Has depression destroyed my relationship?

[Fresh83]

I am absolutely desperate and have not lived properly for 2 years.

I have already searched so much on the internet for help, have been in therapy for 1.5 years (with small interruptions) and take medication. Nothing really got better. Please help me.

My depression is very closely connected with my ex-girlfriend. I have been mainly concerned with how she may have caused my depression, but not how the depression has affected my relationship.

Back story:

I met my ex in the summer of 2020. I was 26 and had never had a girlfriend or been in love. We both fell completely in love and had a wonderful summer. So many things about her I loved. At the time I was supposed to start a master's abroad in the fall just like her in different countries. We weren't a couple at that point, but she really wanted to keep in touch and also wanted me to come visit her. She was really lovebombing.

Once abroad, she reduced the contact after only 3 weeks and finally told me that she had no more feelings. No feelings at all! How does something like this happen after 3 weeks. Even then I knew that she had commitment problems. I didn't think we would get together right now, but not that she would break everything off right away.

My first depressive phase:

I then became really really severely depressed. I dropped out of my master's program and went back to our hometown. I could hardly stand up, tried a lot of drugs at that time, and was almost admitted to a clinic. It got a little better with therapy and medication. At the same time as the antidepressants, I learned that she was coming back from abroad from a friend. This probably also raised my mood.

Summer 2021, the return:

In the summer of 2021, she then came back. We met, and we immediately fell in love again. It was sick. Almost on the first evening she remembered how much she liked me. 3-4 weeks later we were in a relationship.

My depressive symptoms greatly decreased, but were never completely gone. Honestly, I wasn't as happy as I should be. The breach of trust from 2020 and the whole year were just way too burdening still.

During the relationship, I therefore understandably had major trust issues and jealousy problems. My depression was still clearly there. I was still not very productive and empty, but the good feelings through the relationship covered it up.

The relationship was completely chaotic and toxic. My ex had many mental health issues. She has ADHD, complex PTSD, I also suspect Borderline, an anxiety disorder, and childhood trauma. She was beaten and controlled by her mother. On top of that she started a job as an investment banker working 80 hrs. Since she worked so much, I could obvisiouly invest alot more into the relationship than her.

However, we saw each other almost every day, as my apartment was only a 5 min walk from her office. Accordingly, it was very convenient for her. She often came home around midnight or even later. We could never really do anything together during the week. On weekends, she understandably wanted to spend time alone with friends or family. This made me feel even more alone.

She was on a total of 5 birthdays during the relationship and took me along nowhere. I think you should also do something without your partner, but if you already can't do anything during the week, you would have to connect it all a little more. Above all, her friends liked me and I love parties. That was also something that connected us.

You could tell that she really liked me, but she sometimes treated me worse than a simple friend. She didn't really let me fit into her life, even though we saw each other so often. She constantly promised me that she wanted to experience this and that with me, but rarely anything happened.

Over time, however, it was quite better, we experienced some great weekends together. You noticed, but still, that as soon as she undertook something alone was free and went deep into the night to celebrate. With me she was simply more reserved. Sometimes I just think because of my depression I couldnt see the good things. She worked so much and maybe I did pressure her too much. There was no women I would rather spend time with in my life ever. She maybe just needs more time to feel safe and I'm afraid I gave up to early. There were signs of progress too.

There were also major intimacy issues. She took a long time to engage in sex and even cried once after sex because she felt used. This became a big problem. Before the relationship she was already very promiscuous and she seemed very open. This made my jealousy and complexes even bigger. She also had many male friends. In general, she was often dismissive and then affectionate again. Sometimes I had to caress her for 20 minutes so that she could have sex. Then she wanted to have sex again in crazy places and constantly announced to try any sex practices with me. None of it happened. When we had our first city trip as a couple after 7 months we didnt have sex at all because she initiated sex and then started crying before it happend. I couldnt even cuddle her the next day. She felt so much pressure even though I stopped initiating sex.

I finally broke up with her after 8 months, even though I still loved her very much.

The breakup and my second depressive episode:

In the breakup conversation, I cried all the time. I told her about my bad year. She knew before that I was depressed (because of the first breakup), but this time I opened up completely. I also told her that I often felt disgusting and could hardly touch her.

3 days later she had sex with someone else. 2 days later she took another guy home from the club. 1 day later she insulted me. Then she apologized and wanted to talk. I missed her and agreed. We talked 4 hrs and she told how she wanted to change and admitted so many mistakes. The next day I found out about her ONS and completely freaked out and insulted her as well. I apoligized and we had no contact since then. It was the first time I was mean to her or mean to anyone in my life.

After that she had sex with one of her buddies that I was jealous of and she had sex with her boss at the office. She even wanted to have that one buddy of her at my birthday. Remember how she never took me to any of her friends birthdays.

I am completely devastated. It's been 6 months now. I have a huge complex. I feel worthless. I am so scared that I communicated way too poorly during the relationship. There were so many good things that maybe I didn't realize because of the depression. She slept at my place almost every day (without having sex most of the time) and we did a lot together towards the end. I have never met a women I would rather spend time with.

Have I done a mistake? Did my depression weaken my decision skills? She didnt want to break up. I want her to know how badly I'm hurt and that my depression is back.

Edited August 31, 2022 by Fresh83

[Estes]

14 minutes ago, Fresh83 said:

 She didnt want to break up. I want her to know how badly I'm hurt and that my depression is back.

You were depressed and you broke up with her. Now you're depressed again, you think it's related to her, and you want her to know it. Then what happens after you she finds out?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Fresh83 said:

Has depression destroyed my relationship?

Sorry this is happening. Yes untreated or undertreated depression will adversely affect almost every area of your life.

Try not to blame her. Instead see a physician for a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some test done to rule out physical issues/contributors to depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Review your lifestyle as far as drinking, drugs, physical fitness, nutrition. Do what works for you. If it's working out, talking walks, reading, hobbies interests, seeing friends etc.

Try to surround yourself with functional healthy people rather than list supposed diagnoses of exes. Leave her alone, she is not your psychiatrist.

Edited August 31, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Fresh83]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Yes untreated or undertreated depression will adversely affect almost every area of your life.

Try not to blame her. Instead see a physician for a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some test done to rule out physical issues/contributors to depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Review your lifestyle as far as drinking, drugs, physical fitness, nutrition. Do what works for you. If it's working out, talking walks, reading, hobbies interests, seeing friends etc.

Try to surround yourself with functional healthy people rather than list supposed diagnoses of exes. Leave her alone, she is not your psychiatrist.

I have never asked her for help. She was crying in my arms once a week during our relationship. She needed the emotional support all the time.

I'm in therapy, I take medication. So professionells help me. I do everything that is recommended like going to the gym, meeting friends and I stopped doing drugs (alcohol). I have tried out some new hobbies but I'm still crying every day because of my broken relationship. I just cant understand why she treated me so different compared to her friends and why she gave me so many empty promises if she had true deep feelings for me.

[Fresh83]

7 minutes ago, Estes said:

You were depressed and you broke up with her. Now you're depressed again, you think it's related to her, and you want her to know it. Then what happens after you she finds out?

 

 

I have told her in tears that I feel discusting and I can barely touch her anymore. She knew that I was depressed because of the rejection in 2020. She went on having sex with two dudes in one week and thought we could get back together. For me this doesnt make any sense. How can she have true feelings for me if she doesnt care about how I feel?

[Estes]

7 minutes ago, Fresh83 said:

 How can she have true feelings for me if she doesnt care about how I feel?

Well if that's the case then she doesn't.

It's like saying if the shirt is the color red then it's a red shirt.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Fresh83 said:

How can she have true feelings for me if she doesnt care about how I feel?

Unfortunately, she doesn't owe you anything, so it's your task to let go and cease blaming her for this much.

[Estes]

^^I was thinking the same and was going to post as much but I got side tracked with the whole "If she doesn't care I feel, then how can she care about how I feel" thing.

She is NOT responsible for your depression.

That's on you and your genetics and physiology and life experiences etc.

Own it, deal with it, don't put it on anyone else.

 

[Fresh83]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, she doesn't owe you anything, so it's your task to let go and cease blaming her for this much.

I do disagree with this to an extent. She let me down 2020 after lovebombing me. How can you say that she doesnt owe me anything when she gives me promises and tells me she wants to marry me/have kids? As soon as you give someone the feeling that he's special too you, of course you do owe him something. She told me that I might be the love of her life. I deserve at least some support. I gave her so much, I supported her emotionally every day.

Where I do agree is that she is not the only reason for my depression. This is a combination of my genetics, my life experiences etc. But she definetely triggered something in me that existed before.

Edited August 31, 2022 by Fresh83

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Fresh83 said:

I do disagree with this to an extent. She let me down 2020 after lovebombing me. How can you say that she doesnt owe me anything when she gives me promises and tells me she wants to marry me/have kids? As soon as you give someone the feeling that he's special too you, of course you do owe him something. She told me that I might be the love of her life. I deserve at least some support. I gave her so much, I supported her emotionally every day.

Where I do agree is that she is not the only reason for my depression. This is a combination of my genetics, my life experiences etc. But she definetely triggered something in me that existed before.

Sorry, but she doesn't owe you anything.   People can and do end relationships, and as much as it hurts, they are free to move on with their lives.   And given that you describe that she has a number of mental health issues, it doesn't sound like she's got the capabilities to support you even if she wanted to.   And honestly, would be vastly inappropriate for her to be supporting you when the two of you have a history of toxic relationship and trust issues.

Ultimately, we are responsible for our own mental health, with the assistance of those who are able to help (mostly health professionals - and to a lesser degree, family and friends)

I hope you find peace soon

Edited September 1, 2022 by basil67

[Fresh83]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sorry, but she doesn't owe you anything.   People can and do end relationships, and as much as it hurts, they are free to move on with their lives.   And given that you describe that she has a number of mental health issues, it doesn't sound like she's got the capabilities to support you even if she wanted to.   And honestly, would be vastly inappropriate for her to be supporting you when the two of you have a history of toxic relationship and trust issues.

Ultimately, we are responsible for our own mental health, with the assistance of those who are able to help (mostly health professionals - and to a lesser degree, family and friends)

I hope you find peace soon

Ok got it. If even the person that promises you the world and wants to spend the rest of their life with you doesnt owe you anything I will never enter a relationship again. Not saying that she should cure my depression or anything but if you‘re not even responsible for your promises or mistreatings than why should I be in a relationship with someone.

[basil67]

Ok, let's tease this out:  What exactly would you have her do to help you?   

Edited September 1, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

Your question is "has depression destroyed my relationship?'. While depression alone doesn't destroy relationships, it can contribute.

You're not compatible and you've both tried and it wasn't working. So the best bet is to get her out of the equation and focus on optimal mental and physical health practices.

[Will am I]

Your story gives me the feeling that neither one of you is emotionally stable. I'm not writing this to tear you down but to provide you an honest mirror.

 

Instead of the "normal" process of liking eachother, getting closer, exploring compatibility and interest, starting a romantic relationship and building it stronger, you guys went "0 to 60 in 3.5".

She: lovebombing. (by the way, that's not what stable and mature people should be doing)

You: head over heels.

You: gone.

She: losing interest (which is not so strange because things were only getting started, it's not like you were in a long term thing)

You: back

She: all over you again

same pattern repeats.

 

Continue to work on yourself. Because every good relationship starts with two people who are each doing well individually.

And realize that if you are prone to depression (or any other mental health problem), you need an extra stable partner to deal with that. I read you suspect ADHD, PTSS and borderline in her. As much as you're into this woman, she is not the right match for you. You're tempted to circle back and apologize and speak to her about how you're doing. I see a risk that you two would fall in love again and get into this cycle where you're hurting eachother more and more.

 

[Estes]

4 hours ago, Fresh83 said:

Ok got it. If even the person that promises you the world and wants to spend the rest of their life with you doesnt owe you anything I will never enter a relationship again. Not saying that she should cure my depression or anything but if you‘re not even responsible for your promises or mistreatings than why should I be in a relationship with someone.

When a relationship works, it can be really good on so many levels. People change their minds. Feelings change and fade. Unresolved mental health issues rear their ugly heads and drive the partner away. Sometimes people fail to disclose drug, sex, gambling addictions, money problems and abusive behaviors.

That's why there are so many divorces.

The key is to be the sort of guy a woman wants to be with, and is not with him because she owes him a favor or feels sorry for him. This works both ways. If you truly loved her you wouldn't want her to be forced to be in such a position.

[Fresh83]

14 minutes ago, Estes said:

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ok, let's tease this out:  What exactly would you have her do to help you?   

 

The key is to be the sort of guy a woman wants to be with, and is not with him because she owes him a favor or feels sorry for him. This works both ways. If you truly loved her you wouldn't want her to be forced to be in such a position.

I understand what you are trying to tell me. I was with her because I liked her character and her attitude and I wanted to spend time with her and I saw a future together. I was definitely not with her because I wanted any support.

I even talked very little in the relationship about my depression, even though she was the trigger (not the cause). I also went to therapy during the relationship.

But when someone tells me that they want to build a future with me and have very deep feelings for me and are totally in love with me, I at least expect certain promises to be kept and to be treated respectfully.

For me, this has nothing to do with a romantic relationship, but applies to all human relationships. She dropped me after only 3 weeks without any serious reason. That is her right. She comes back and wants to have a relationship and creates an image of a relationship. I see a certain emotional responsibility in her. After all, she also demanded emotional support. Simple friends got more empathy and attention in part.
Of course, I can then also go at any time, which I did.

But let me give you an example:

If you know someone was heartbroken because you rejected him. And know you decide you want to have a relationship with that person and you tell that exact person again that you have extremly deep feelings for them. Wouldnt you help this person when his mother has cancer? Or when he has a family crisis? Wouldnt you want this person to be happy this time? Wouldnt you introduce this person to family and friends? Wouldnt you only promise this person things you really want to do?

I'm not emotionally stable, thats true. I actually feel that we in theory are very compatbile since we have similiar interest, life plans, love being together, both similiar jobs (I'm a laywer, shes a banker) and we are both emotional. I just dont get why she treated me unfair, why she screamed at me so often. During the whole relationship I invested so much more.

I jump between I should have waited longer, I was too controlling or pressured her to much and she just didnt really like me the way I like her.

[Estes]

You keep saying the same thing albeit in different ways.

You are still going on and on about your expectations and what she "should" or "should not" do.

So what she said she'd be with you forever, and then dumped you 3 weeks later and then came back for more. That's what she felt like doing, that's what suited HER needs. This isn't about what YOU want or what YOU need. People are selfish, when it comes to relationships and caring about another person there are NO RULES.

If the other person is getting what they want and need out of a relationship, odds are they'll reciprocate in kind, and the two people will go on together as long as they comfortably and peacefully coexist and continue to meet one another's needs without too much conflict.

The TLDR version of what I wrote above is this: If you're going to be involved with women, you need thicker skin and stop playing the victim.

 

[Will am I]

11 minutes ago, Fresh83 said:

If you know someone was heartbroken because you rejected him. And know you decide you want to have a relationship with that person and you tell that exact person again that you have extremly deep feelings for them. Wouldnt you help this person when his mother has cancer? Or when he has a family crisis? Wouldnt you want this person to be happy this time? Wouldnt you introduce this person to family and friends? Wouldnt you only promise this person things you really want to do?

I relate a little bit to what you are writing.

But you need to have realistic expectations. One expectation is that she will be hot and cold. That's her emotional instability. One day she's all in, the next day she's out. Don't put your expectations too high. It's safe to assume that she can't help being like this.

I think currently it affects you way too deeply because your episodes of depression get triggered. That was my reason to say you two are not a match, and @Estes writes you need thicker skin if you are going to deal with this woman.

That's for your own protection and also for her to thrive as a woman. To deal intimately with someone like your on-and-off girlfriend you need to be strong and not easily shaken. Else she's going to be hurting you too much. And she also needs that strong and stable partner so she can feel secure as she is stumbling, falling down and getting back on het feet, knowing that her partner can handle her behavious and only having to worry about herself. In that security she can grow.

 

 

 

[Fresh83]

29 minutes ago, Will am I said:

 To deal intimately with someone like your on-and-off girlfriend you need to be strong and not easily shaken. Else she's going to be hurting you too much. And she also needs that strong and stable partner so she can feel secure as she is stumbling, falling down and getting back on het feet, knowing that her partner can handle her behavious and only having to worry about herself. In that security she can grow.

 

Doesnt everyone need a somewhat emotionally stable partner? On-and-off is never healthy and if her actions matched her words and she were more stable I didnt have such trust issues. I let her alot of freedom too. I went on vacation alone or with friends several times, she went on partying alone alot etc. But there are some limits to that. I was pretty stable at the beginning of the relationship but I became unstable due to her on-and-off. I'm asking myself if someone else can even accept her behaviour and be stable.

 

45 minutes ago, Estes said:

You keep saying the same thing albeit in different ways.

You are still going on and on about your expectations and what she "should" or "should not" do.

So what she said she'd be with you forever, and then dumped you 3 weeks later and then came back for more. That's what she felt like doing, that's what suited HER needs. This isn't about what YOU want or what YOU need. People are selfish, when it comes to relationships and caring about another person there are NO RULES.

If the other person is getting what they want and need out of a relationship, odds are they'll reciprocate in kind, and the two people will go on together as long as they comfortably and peacefully coexist and continue to meet one another's needs without too much conflict.

The TLDR version of what I wrote above is this: If you're going to be involved with women, you need thicker skin and stop playing the victim.

 

This is somewhat realistic but cold at the same time. You say "if the other person it getting what they want and need out of a relationships, odds are they'll reciprocate in kind". She got what she needed. She was happy with the way the relationship was going because I supported her emotionally and opened up for her. The things that I have done werent too crazy either. Pretty normal stuff like introducing her to all my friends, giving her emotional support, being nice and respectful to her, she had the key to my appartment and could come whenever she wants.

You can break it down to " you dont always get what you want and need" and "she doesnt owe you anything". But I would be totally fine if she just told me that she just wants to cuddle during the week and chill but other than that wants to enjoy her life as a single. It just feels like she lied to me. And I feel like I deserve to be told the truth.

Regarding her ONS after the break up I rationally know that this were most likely coping methods and dont define my worth. But it is still so hard for me to understand how you can feel so much pressure by your partner which you have feelings for but you can have so easily sex with guys you dont even like (for example her boss). And she knew exactly how much it will hurt me if she sleps right away with another guy and she still thought we could easily come back together after one week. This is a proof for me that she lied to me at least to some extent.

Edited September 1, 2022 by Fresh83

[Estes]

34 minutes ago, Fresh83 said:

I was pretty stable at the beginning of the relationship but I became unstable due to her on-and-off.

And I feel like I deserve to be told the truth.

 

As to the two parts of your post I quoted above.

The first- Stop blaming her for you becoming unstable. That's unfair and simply ridiculous. No person will cause another person to be unstable, that's on them. You continue to blame  her for your problems. Be self accountable. It's the first step towards fixing them.

As to the second quote above. Again- get over it. No one deserves anything. Some people win a million bucks in the lottery, others get hit by a random drunk driver and are killed leaving small children at home.

Life aint fair, people are selfish. Accept it or keep chasing your tail with unrealistic expectations from others.

[Fresh83]

6 hours ago, Estes said:

Life aint fair, people are selfish. Accept it or keep chasing your tail with unrealistic expectations from others.

My expectations werent really unrealistic. I just asked for basic stuff that most relationships I know have and she gives persons she is not even together with

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry, this woman is not the "cause" of your depression. Your depressive tendencies are what made you feel so hurt and helpless when things didn't work out with her. So you've got the causation direction wrong. Your depression vulnerability caused the devastating heartache. And then that heartache fed back on the depression. 

Disappointment in relationships is part of life and dating and is part of experiencing joy in relationships. We all get dumped at some point and disappointed. The problem here is that there was really no deep attachment here such that things not working out would justify such a devastating sense of loss on your point. You over-attached to her and you over-attached way too fast. 

Are you working on social skills in your therapy? You need to be meeting other people, many other people. You need to get a life outside this woman. Your therapist should know you have attachment issues (we all do--but yours are serious). 

 

[Estes]

2 hours ago, Fresh83 said:

My expectations werent really unrealistic. I just asked for basic stuff that most relationships I know have and she gives persons she is not even together with

See now this is something we can work with. But not for the reasons you think. It's not about the same old "it's not fair she didn't do this for me or with me" that you've been going on about.

She gives, as you call it "basic stuff" (please elaborate on what that actually is) to people she "isn't together with" (meaning, what in a committed exclusive relationship?). The first question you need to ask yourself isn't "Why is she so unfair I deserve better"?  Rather ask yourself why she isn't naturally inclined to give these "basic things" to you that she gives to others. See you think you should get it from her because it's your expectation and your god given right, but life doesn't work that way and people don't follow the same rules. What you need to figure out is why she isn't compelled to do any of these things for you that she does for other people- and you gotta look at the guy in the mirror for the answer to that one. And fix it. Because your strategy of expecting her to follow the rules of "right or wrong" and "give you what you think you deserve" is going to get you exactly what you have now: nothing at all.

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Fresh83 said:

Doesnt everyone need a somewhat emotionally stable partner? On-and-off is never healthy and if her actions matched her words and she were more stable I didnt have such trust issues. I let her alot of freedom too. I went on vacation alone or with friends several times, she went on partying alone alot etc. But there are some limits to that. I was pretty stable at the beginning of the relationship but I became unstable due to her on-and-off. I'm asking myself if someone else can even accept her behaviour and be stable.

I would agree that many people want an emotionally stable partner.  I know it's important to me.

The way to be with a stable partner is to not accept a partner who is unstable.  In your case, her wanting to come back after breaking up should have been unacceptable to you.  Thing is, we get what we accept, and you accepted instability when you need stability.

In short, she is not the cause of your emotional distress.  The cause of your emotional distress is you wanting to have a relationship with someone who doesn't know if she's coming or going.  

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Fresh83 said:

My expectations werent really unrealistic. I just asked for basic stuff that most relationships I know have and she gives persons she is not even together with

It was unrealistic to want those things *from her* .   When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  And if they aren't behaving how you'd like them to be, don't gripe about it.  Instead, recognise the incompatibility and move on.