Has depression destroyed my relationship?

[Fresh83]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

Are you working on social skills in your therapy? You need to be meeting other people, many other people. You need to get a life outside this woman. Your therapist should know you have attachment issues (we all do--but yours are serious). 

 

I‘m going out every weekend, from friday to sunday. I have been doing this for many years. I‘m an extrovert, outgoing and I love parties. I‘m pretty bad at flirting but in general I‘m good with people. I know how to socialize and I have a really good group of friends. 

I‘m bad at approaching women though.

Oh, and I have always had a life beside my girlfriend. Even during the relationship I was constantly going out with friends. Her best friend was btw one of my closest friends too. I was going out with her even more than my ex lol.

 

I‘m really not one of these guys who neglects his friends because of this girlfriendy I could never understand these people.

 

I totally agree that I was over attached to her. This was a consequence of her being my very first girlfriend at the age of 26.

Edited September 2, 2022 by Fresh83

[Fresh83]

2 hours ago, Estes said:

See now this is something we can work with. But not for the reasons you think. It's not about the same old "it's not fair she didn't do this for me or with me" that you've been going on about.

She gives, as you call it "basic stuff" (please elaborate on what that actually is) to people she "isn't together with" (meaning, what in a committed exclusive relationship?).

Yes, I was the one who was in a commited exclusive relationship with her. Maybe I just dont get the concept of being in a relationship then. I assumed that when you decide to start a commited exclusive relationship with a person, this means this person is your favourite person. The person from the opposite (or prefered) gender you like spending time with the most.

If that is not the case why are you even in a relationship with that person in the first place? It doenst mean that this person is your only priority and the center of the world but your favourite person.

[S2B]

Get a new therapist and a new psychiatrist.

Learn that you have handed her too much of YOUR power.

fight to take YOUR power back! And never ever give anyone that much power over your own happiness.

happiness comes from within. Stop handing it/giving it away.

Edited September 2, 2022 by S2B

[Fresh83]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

Get a new therapist and a new psychiatrist.

Learn that you have handed her too much of YOUR power.

fight to take YOUR power back! And never ever give anyone that much power over your own happiness.

happiness comes from within. Stop handing it/giving it away.

I thought about chaning my therapist. I even talked with her about that but she seemed really constructive. Changing your therapist is not really easy since it not easy to find a proper therapist in the first place and you have to start all over again.

And I know most things myself. I know that true happiness comes from within and I'm responsible for my own luck. At the moment it also is so difficult as my relationship was marked by so many up and downs and the ups gave me so amazing feelings and these feelings are no missing. Nothing gives me a really good feeling now. I cant enjoy anything even thoug I go out with friends alot or go to the gym etc.

I'm doing everything that is recommanded:
- I go to the library from monday to friday (I'm almost a lawyer, I will write my last exam soon)
- I go to the gym 3 times a week

- I read self helf books and I meditate

- I go out with friends at the weekend

- I stopped doing drugs

- I'm in Therapy and take antidepressants

- i changed my diet

 

I still feel so empty inside. I'm crying almost every day because I miss my ex. It's horrible. I still struggle to get out of bed almost every day. I cant really concentrate. When I'm studying I'm fighting to read a single page of my book.

[Acacia98]

On 9/1/2022 at 12:07 AM, Fresh83 said:

The relationship was completely chaotic and toxic. My ex had many mental health issues. She has ADHD, complex PTSD, I also suspect Borderline, an anxiety disorder, and childhood trauma. She was beaten and controlled by her mother.

 (...)

 She maybe just needs more time to feel safe and I'm afraid I gave up to early. There were signs of progress too.

 (...)

Have I done a mistake? Did my depression weaken my decision skills? She didnt want to break up. I want her to know how badly I'm hurt and that my depression is back.

OP, you have my sympathy. I hope you will get better with time as you give yourself time to mourn the relationship, learn valuable lessons from it, and learn to take care of your physical, emotional and mental health better.

I notice you described your ex as having ADHD, complex PTSD, possibly borderline personality disorder, an anxiety disorder, and childhood trauma. I have no idea how you came to these conclusions. Perhaps part of your opinion is based on diagnoses she's told you about and part is based on your observation of her behavior. If your opinion is close to the truth about her, then you already have the answers to most of your questions. These conditions or states impact the way a person behaves and feels and affect their ability to participate in a healthy and loving relationship. 

If these things may be true about her, it is not realistic to expect her to demonstrate emotional stability in her relationship with you. She's not pretending to be unwell and emotionally unstable. She is unwell and emotionally unstable. Your dating her then failing to understand why she behaved as she did and expecting her to behave differently even now could be compared to knowing that somebody has a broken leg, expecting them to run a marathon, and not understanding why they can't even manage 10 meters.

Your being more understanding and patient would not have changed the fact that she was who she was. Similarly, your being more understanding and patient would not have miraculously healed the person with the broken leg and enabled them to run a marathon. 

You must accept that it is not your place to fix her or to rescue her. She has to do the hard work that will lead to her getting better and managing her mental health. And you have to do the same regarding your own mental health.

From what I read here, neither you nor her were in a position to have a healthy relationship. Your time together brought to the surface issues that already existed and revealed that you both probably shouldn't be dating anybody. Rather, it would be best for both of you to devote that energy to learning to look after yourselves. And you need to do that separately.

The way you reacted to her actions in the relationship was not ideal. There were points when her actions should have given you pause and made you take a huge step back and ultimately end the relationship for good. Reconciling should never have been an option. Also, the degree to which you missed her to the point of being unable to function without her was not typical either. I can't help wondering whether the way this relationship played out reminded you of some long-ago experience of abandonment or loss. If yes, that might partly explain the intensity of your feelings and why it is so difficult to move on.

Edited September 2, 2022 by Acacia98

[Lotsgoingon]

No, you do not help someone whose mother had cancer if you're not dating them and if they're not otherwise a friend. That's the role of friends and family and close romantic partners (close meaning really really close and close for some time!).  

The person whose mother has cancer needs to have other friends and family and counseling to get through the difficult person. No, if you're not someone's romantic partner, you DO NOT want to help them through a crisis. There isn't the relationship there for that to work. 

The romantically uninterested person helps the other through crisis, and the other thinks the helper now wants to date. Inevitable. Unavoidable.

Lots of relationships break up when illness or crisis appears early. There just isn't enough of a solid bond to withstand the storm. 

[S2B]

11 hours ago, Fresh83 said:

I thought about chaning my therapist. I even talked with her about that but she seemed really constructive. Changing your therapist is not really easy since it not easy to find a proper therapist in the first place and you have to start all over again.

And I know most things myself. I know that true happiness comes from within and I'm responsible for my own luck. At the moment it also is so difficult as my relationship was marked by so many up and downs and the ups gave me so amazing feelings and these feelings are no missing. Nothing gives me a really good feeling now. I cant enjoy anything even thoug I go out with friends alot or go to the gym etc.

I'm doing everything that is recommanded:
- I go to the library from monday to friday (I'm almost a lawyer, I will write my last exam soon)
- I go to the gym 3 times a week

- I read self helf books and I meditate

- I go out with friends at the weekend

- I stopped doing drugs

- I'm in Therapy and take antidepressants

- i changed my diet

 

I still feel so empty inside. I'm crying almost every day because I miss my ex. It's horrible. I still struggle to get out of bed almost every day. I cant really concentrate. When I'm studying I'm fighting to read a single page of my book.

Do some art therapy

journal daily

find somewhere to do volunteer work!!! This helps a LOT!!

 

[poppyfields]

22 hours ago, basil67 said:

I would agree that many people want an emotionally stable partner.  I know it's important to me.

The way to be with a stable partner is to not accept a partner who is unstable.  In your case, her wanting to come back after breaking up should have been unacceptable to you.  Thing is, we get what we accept, and you accepted instability when you need stability.

In short, she is not the cause of your emotional distress.  The cause of your emotional distress is you wanting to have a relationship with someone who doesn't know if she's coming or going.  

 

I echo @basil67^^.  100%.

Bottom line @Fresh83we are all responsible for what happens to us in life, and for our own choices.  

Here, you had a girl who was quite unstable, who came on strong with promises of love and forever after, etc but then took it all back, dumped you, returned, lather rinse repeat. 

You blame her for breaking promises and treating you poorly, etc which caused or exacerbated your depression, however what you're missing is that it was YOUR choice to take her back, and remain with her, that was 100% on you and it's important you take responsibility for that

That's what it means to own your choices and to recognize and accept your own role in whatever happens to you. 

So when you encounter instability like this, you say no thank you and move on with your life. 

Look for more stable people with integrity who keep and honor the commitments they make, who think twice about making unrealistic promises and have the ability and emotional maturity to love you in the way you need to be loved.

It's true no one owes you anything.  The only person who owes you anything is yourself and that means making the best choices for yourself, which includes saying no thank you and walking away when necessary, no matter how intoxicating the chemistry or feelings. 

Much of what you're experiencing now could have been avoided had you simply said "no thank you" to this girl the first time she dumped you and wanted you back. 

As @basil67said, unacceptable.

None of this means you should avoid relationships.  Simply learn to make better choices and NOT tolerate BS such as this girl presented, and you will be fine. 

Take care of you, love yourself first. 

 

Edited September 2, 2022 by poppyfields

[Fresh83]

12 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The person whose mother has cancer needs to have other friends and family and counseling to get through the difficult person. No, if you're not someone's romantic partner, you DO NOT want to help them through a crisis. There isn't the relationship there for that to work.

She was my romantic partner, didnt I make this clear?

 

15 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

 

I notice you described your ex as having ADHD, complex PTSD, possibly borderline personality disorder, an anxiety disorder, and childhood trauma. I have no idea how you came to these conclusions. Perhaps part of your opinion is based on diagnoses she's told you about and part is based on your observation of her behavior. If your opinion is close to the truth about her, then you already have the answers to most of your questions. These conditions or states impact the way a person behaves and feels and affect their ability to participate in a healthy and loving relationship.

She was in therapy for one year because of her childhood trauma. So most of these mental problems were diagnosed or mentioned by her. Borderline is just a pure assumptions by myself so we can exclude that. Anyway, she knows that she is emotionally unstable herself and she knows and metioned in 2020 and 2021 before our relationship that she has attachment problems.
Thats why she was honest and I knew what I was getting into. I was just so in love because there were so many characteristic traits about her that I liked and the way she treated people as a single impressed me.

It was my own decision to take her back after she rejected me in 2020. We were not a romantic couple back then and we lived in different countries so I justified my decision to take her back as we were now living in the same country and she cant just ran away. The circumstances were different and even though her losing feelings after just a couple of weeks was a sign of her emotional unstabability I thought now we have a proper chance.

But of course, one point I take away from your answers is that I have to take responsibility for my decisions. I have decided to take her back and I have decided to separate again. I had good reasons in both situations and I thought about it beforehand. I know it is not my responsibility to help her heal. She promised change but I will never know if it happened.

I just cant enjoy anything now that I used to enjoy before because the highs from the relationship are missing. And even though I broke up, I feel very deeply hurt and rejected because she is experiencing many of the things she promised me with others.
A person doesn't owe you anything at first. But breaking promises is not nice, at least not at first, especially if you love the person. Yes, life is not fair. It is all about acceptance and appreciate what I actually have.

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 You blame her for breaking promises and treating you poorly, etc which caused or exacerbated your depression, however what you're missing is that it was YOUR choice to take her back, and remain with her, that was 100% on you and it's important you take responsibility for that

It will be pretty difficult to trust anyone in the future though. Every time someone tells me that they have feelings for me, I will hardly believe it. Yes I took her back, but just after she apoligized and promised me realistic things. And as I said, were now living in the same country.

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, Fresh83 said:

She was my romantic partner, didnt I make this clear?

No, it wasn't clear....I was also confused.   Was she your romantic partner when you were wanting to lean on her?  Or was she your ex-romantic partner at the time?

Also, given the array of your ex's mental health problems, did she actually have the capacity to support you?  The fact that you've got issues in your own life doesn't necessarily mean that your partner has the ability to support you.  I remember back to when I was struggling as a new mother and my mother in law was dying from cancer....I was in no state to be able to give out additional support to my husband.  All I could do at the time was try and keep my own head above water., while he kept his own head above water and we met in the middle

You can't expect support from a person who doesn't have the capacity to give it. 

Quote

It will be pretty difficult to trust anyone in the future though. Every time someone tells me that they have feelings for me, I will hardly believe it. Yes I took her back, but just after she apoligized and promised me realistic things. And as I said, were now living in the same country.

Do you understand the concept that people can feel love and then fall out of love?  Or that you can have a cool friend but then they get on your nerves and start annoying you?  Or that someone can promise to help you with something and then circumstances leave them unable to meet their promise?   Sometimes promises work out and sometimes they don't.  All we can do in life is hope for the best and plan for the worst. 

Edited September 3, 2022 by basil67

[Fresh83]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It wasn't terribly clear.  Was she your romantic partner when you were wanting to lean on her?  Or was she your ex-romantic partner at the time?

Also, given the array of your ex's mental health problems, did she actually have the capacity to support you?  The fact that you've got issues in your own life doesn't necessarily mean that your partner has the ability to support you.  I remember back to when I was struggling as a new mother and my mother in law was dying from cancer....I was in no state to be able to give out additional support to my husband.  All I could do at the time was try and keep my own head above water.....

You can't expect support from a person who doesn't have the capacity to give it. 

She was my romantic partner. I never expected anything from her while we were broken up obvisouly. We are in no contact. How could she support me?

I didnt even expect much emotional support during the relationship. She was the one demanding this. She is a somewhat succesful women with a career but regularly cried in my arms. When my brother in law left my sister I just asked for some emotional support, she misinterstood this and went on partying until 6am and gettin drunk. Even though she told me she was too tired because of her work. This is just an example. There were 2-3 situations like this were she completly ignored my feelings or went on demanding emotional support from me when I was actually the one with the crisis. I didnt even begged for emotional support, just told her that my mother was in hospital because of cancer (she survived, she wasnt really treaten by death at this point) and she ignored it more or less and asked me to help her for her master thesis.

And yes, I can just walk away at this point, communicate my needs. She never denied help to harm me. Because of her ADHD, she was too wired to recognize problems and because of her attachment anxiety, she was overwhelmed when I expressed needs. But when friends of her had depression or needed help, she could easily to talk to them, even though I was her romantic partner. She also decided to be with me, it was her choice as well.

[Wiseman2]

On 9/2/2022 at 4:53 AM, Fresh83 said:

:I go to the library from monday to friday (I'm almost a lawyer, I will write my last exam soon)
- I go to the gym 3 times a week

- I read self helf books and I meditate

- I go out with friends at the weekend

- I stopped doing drugs

- I'm in Therapy and take antidepressants

- i changed my diet

You're doing well. Definitely focus on what you're focusing on. It may take a while for your brain and body to recover from drugs and alcohol, so keep up the good habits.

The highs and lows of mood disorders can be quite disruptive, but you're doing well to try and stay on an even keel.

The other thing is to live in the present and look forward to the future, rather than ruminating or injustice collecting about the past.

When you are ready get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Fresh83 said:

She was my romantic partner. I never expected anything from her while we were broken up obvisouly. We are in no contact. How could she support me?

I didnt even expect much emotional support during the relationship. She was the one demanding this. She is a somewhat succesful women with a career but regularly cried in my arms. When my brother in law left my sister I just asked for some emotional support, she misinterstood this and went on partying until 6am and gettin drunk. Even though she told me she was too tired because of her work. This is just an example. There were 2-3 situations like this were she completly ignored my feelings or went on demanding emotional support from me when I was actually the one with the crisis. I didnt even begged for emotional support, just told her that my mother was in hospital because of cancer (she survived, she wasnt really treaten by death at this point) and she ignored it more or less and asked me to help her for her master thesis.

And yes, I can just walk away at this point, communicate my needs. She never denied help to harm me. Because of her ADHD, she was too wired to recognize problems and because of her attachment anxiety, she was overwhelmed when I expressed needs. But when friends of her had depression or needed help, she could easily to talk to them, even though I was her romantic partner. She also decided to be with me, it was her choice as well.

Ok, so the upshot from all of this is that you were incompatible....and that you were expecting more than she, with all her issues, could give.   Find your resilience...the ability learn from things which went wrong....and  bounce back. And importantly, if you want emotional strength in future partners, walk away from those who clearly don't have it.

Edited September 3, 2022 by basil67

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, Fresh83 said:

It will be pretty difficult to trust anyone in the future though.

Every time someone tells me that they have feelings for me, I will hardly believe it.

Why?  She was one person.  How she or any woman feels about you shouldn't define how you feel about yourself or affect your ability to trust. 

This goes to your own self-esteem and how you value yourself.   When we love ourselves, value ourselves, what others think doesn't hold so much power.

This is also why it's important to leave situations with unstable, unhealthy people immediately

Don't hang around or take back. That's making good choices for yourself and loving yourself first. 

By remaining, the doubts, the suspicions, the insecurities, the anxiety festers and grows and can (and most likely will) negatively impact your current relationship and all your subsequent relationships.

As what's happening now when you say you will never trust again.  

Again, she was one person, stop allowing her so much power over you, she is certainly not deserving of that, no one is.

I admit I've been jerked around too, lied to, cheated on by a drug-addicted ex who I was engaged to at the time,  but the difference is I left as soon as it began happening. 

I didn't hang around hoping it would get better or trying to fix him. Or justifying it, blaming it on drugs and alcohol or anything else.

I actually lost respect for him so I left..  He's a grown man, he knew exactly what he was doing.  

It was actually one of the most difficult decisions I ever.made, and took me a couple of years to fully recover from, but it was without a doubt the best decision.

I've made plenty of mistakes but one thing I've never done is tolerate BS and as a result, I never became bitter and jaded, and never lost my ability to trust. 

I recently got married, it took many years to find him but I always had faith and trust that I would despite the BS I had experienced. 

Learn to walk away from toxic people immediately, love and respect yourself first and you will too. 💛

Edited September 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

It will be pretty difficult to trust anyone in the future though. Every time someone tells me that they have feelings for me, I will hardly believe it. Yes I took her back, but just after she apoligized and promised me realistic things. 

This is depression and helplessness talking here. One, you can recover and love again. You think most people on this board haven't been hurt in love in some way? Of course we have--many of us multiple times and the pain didn't kill us. It wasn't even traumatic because the failure of a particular romance with one individual is just that, one relationship at one time with one individual.

What helps us though is to learn from our experiences. You aren't learning.

At the bottom is your sense of powerlessness. You do have power. You have to step into it.