Lost my virginity to a MM…now deeply attached

[Louise1220]

I have been in an on-again off-again relationship with a MM for almost 3 years. The quick backstory is we were colleagues and became friends for 6 years. I had never even had a boyfriend before and always kept me guard up when it came to men. I think maybe I was trying to avoid making mistakes or getting hurt. But this MM, he was someone I could talk to and felt very natural with. He was so interested in my thoughts and perspective on things. I felt seen and understood. My feelings inevitably started to get stronger and deeper. One day we opened up to each other about how we felt. He said he had been in love with me for years and wished we could be together. But of course, he couldn’t leave his wife and kids for me. I told him I understood and I didn’t want get hurt, so I settled for the crumbs of time with him. I was 28 years old at this time. He knew I was a virgin and that he would be my first. However, I got pregnant very quickly and we decided to move forward with an abortion. Something I truly didn’t want but also didn’t want this to screw up his life with his wife and kids. It caused me a lot of grief (still does) and I ended things after that. However, the loneliness felt unbearable and I kept going back to him. At this point, it’s the cruel hot/cold routine from him and I don’t know how to let him go. He’s been in my life for so long now that it feels like a divorce or a death. I need help through this. Thank you for listening. It’s nice to have this platform to vent. 

[BaileyB]

Welcome Louise. 

I’m sorry this this has happened to you, but if you read this site you will quickly learn that your story is fairly typical. 

35 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

He knew I was a virgin and that he would be my first. However, I got pregnant very quickly and we decided to move forward with an abortion. Something I truly didn’t want. It caused me a lot of grief (still does).

I’m very sorry that this happened. 

35 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

At this point, it’s the cruel hot/cold routine from him and I don’t know how to let him go. He’s been in my life for so long now that it feels like a divorce or a death.

Have you ever seen a counsellor Louise? That would be the single best thing you can do for yourself. You say that you feel like you don’t know how to let him go… I say that you can end this relationship and find your own happiness but you need to find some support. 

If you end the relationship, the pain and feeling of loss will be intense but it will be short lived… it will get better with time. As painful as it is, it can’t be much worse than the pain of watching the man that you love live life and raise a family with another woman. It can’t be much worse than the pain of aborting your child because the pregnancy was inconvenient for your MM. It can’t be much worse than the hot and cold routine that you are living now. It can’t be much worse than the regret you will feel one day when you realize that you have wasted your youth - the best years of your life - on a dead end relationship. Personally, I would take the short term pain of ending the relationship any day over the agony of any of those other things. 

This ends when you decide to love yourself more than you think that you love this man. And, the way you begin to do that is to find yourself a counsellor and go no contact. 

Of course, keep posting here. There are many women on this site who have had similar experiences and are willing to offer support and encouragement. 

Edited August 31, 2022 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

^^ agree, this sounds like something a professional counselor might be best suited to help you work through. Hopefully counseling is accessible/available for you?

[stillafool]

I'm sorry this happened to you also.  I agree with others that you need professional counseling to help you get over this traumatic situation you're in.  There are some good ones out there and I hope you find peace.

[Louise1220]

Thank you all for your support. I know I need counseling. The thing is I can’t afford it right now, living paycheck to paycheck. Unless there’s another way I’m not aware of. I’ve been in a few counseling sessions about it but I still ended up going back to him. I do think having a support group who has been through this can help me though. Reading other peoples experiences has already been comforting. I’d like to connect with other people one on one that have been through it. Maybe that will help? Idk.

[mark clemson]

They don't have PMs on this site until after a certain # of posts (there may be a time requirement too).

You could try "help lines" if there are some to call in your area. Just keep in mind when things are "staffed" by volunteers - well, you get whatever you get, which might in some cases do more harm than good. However, it's something consider.

[Louise1220]

I just got off the phone with my MM. We ended it. I am a puddle right now and I feel so lost and broken. What do I do right now? Literally what? I can't focus on anything. How do I push through these moments? I'm never going to feel his touch or kiss again. Why does this hurt so bad?

[mark clemson]

I think it's not so different from the end of any other relationship. It's easy and typical to feel sad. Also it sounds like this is one of your first major breakups (since e.g. you lost your virginity to him) and there was a lot going on emotionally in your relationship.

For me, the main strategy in a break up was to practice good "self-care" and wait while "I process my feelings". This can take longer than we'd like but eventually we get over them, at least the vast majority of the time for the vast majority of people.

I've certainly been hit hard by some of my breakups in the past, but eventually you get over them and they become just like any other very emotional memory. "Time heals all wounds."

Edited September 2, 2022 by mark clemson

[jah526]

9 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

I just got off the phone with my MM. We ended it. I am a puddle right now and I feel so lost and broken. What do I do right now? Literally what? I can't focus on anything. How do I push through these moments? I'm never going to feel his touch or kiss again. Why does this hurt so bad?

Keep in your mind that you have done the right thing, for both of you, and for his family also. It definitely is difficult, and the loneliness can feel unbearable. It did for me, for a while. Then that started to subside, and I began to notice other people in my life. In the meantime, I spent a lot of time outdoors, just walking in nature. It’s an old saying, but it really does take time. Find other ways to reward yourself while you are healing.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

What do I do right now? Literally what?

Take a deep breath. And then, take another. 

You will be ok. You will get through this…

It’s ok to stay home this weekend and cry. If that’s what you need to do, buy some ice cream and watch a sad movie and just let the emotions out.

If you have a friend you can call - call them. If you have a journal, write. If you are like me - go for a long walk. Whatever allows you to feel the feelings and brings some comfort - do it this weekend.

You will be ok and you will get through this. I know it doesn’t feel this way, but it is actually the best thing that could have happened to you. You now have the opportunity to go and find the love and the relationship that you want - when you are ready. Hugs. 
 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

I just got off the phone with my MM. We ended it.

Sorry this happened. Do you still have to see him at work?

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

You need to deal with the abortion and whatever bad place you were in when you got involved with this.

[BaileyB]

Louise, do you have an employee assistance program at work? That is one way to access counselling supports. The other thing to do would be to talk with your doctor about possibly some medication to help short term with the depression and anxiety you are feeling. Perhaps your physician can help you to access some counselling support. You really should try to find some counselling as you move through this, there are things to work-on here including why you chose this relationship for yourself, why you stayed so long, and how to move forward and find a healthier relationship for yourself. I would also look online - with Covid, there are more and more resources available to help those who are struggling…

Edited September 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Louise1220]

I know, there is a lot of work to do to figure out how I got tangled up in this mess. I know at the time, I was fighting a fear and loneliness in me. I was 28 years old. Still single. Everyone else around me finding relationships, settling down, moving into the next phase of their lives. I knew MM had feelings for me and I wanted to invite that in and forget about it being wrong. I wanted to feel what it was like to be loved in that way (at least what I thought was love). I didn’t realize that sex would lead to such a deeper bond that would cause this much pain to end. The good news is that we don’t work together anymore and haven’t for over a year. We both moved on to different companies. But nevertheless, we kept it going and breaking up again and again. Going on medication makes me nervous…I don’t want to become reliant on anything. I just want to do what’s best and what’s effective to make sure it stays over and done with. 

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

I was 28 years old. Still single. Everyone else around me finding relationships, settling down, moving into the next phase of their lives.

That’s understandable, I’ve been in a similar position. It’s hard. That said, you made a very unhealthy choice for yourself and you stayed for a really long time… such that you now don’t believe yourself to be capable of ending this unhealthy relationship. There is lots to ponder there, as you work to develop your own self worth, strength, and resiliency. You will want to find a healthier relationship for yourself in the future. 

21 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

Going on medication makes me nervous…

It’s not for everyone, just something to consider.

You need to do something though - whether that is exercise, and/or counselling, and/or self help books, and/or talking with a friend/trusted family member, and/or journaling. 

You also need to have a plan for what you will do when a) you feel lonely and you want to reach out and/or b) he contacts you again. 

Edited September 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Louise1220]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s understandable, I’ve been in a similar position. It’s hard. That said, you made a very unhealthy choice for yourself and you stayed for a really long time… such that you now don’t believe yourself to be capable of ending this unhealthy relationship. There is lots to ponder there, as you work to develop your own self worth, strength, and resiliency. You will want to find a healthier relationship for yourself in the future. 

It’s not for everyone, just something to consider.

You need to do something though - whether that is exercise, and/or counselling, and/or self help books, and/or talking with a friend/trusted family member, and/or journaling. 

You also need to have a plan for what you will do when a) you feel lonely and you want to reach out and/or b) he contacts you again. 

Thank you BaileyB, I greatly appreciate your feedback. I’ve thought a lot about it. He gave me hope whenever he would say things like “if you’re still single and my wife and I don’t work out, I want to be with you.” I mistakenly held onto that, hoping that I would be the exception. The pang of anger and frustration now I feel with myself is knowing that it was never going to happen. I was living in a fantasy world that I thought felt better than the actual reality that I was always going to be the OW. Now that it’s ended and the tears on my face are drying up, I do feel relief and a great weight lifted. The trick for me will be just as you said…to make a plan for whenever those feelings of loneliness come in and I want to reach out. I’m not sure what the plan is yet but for now, I’m just going to try and process everything to the best of my ability. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness. This gives me hope for a better future for myself.

[Lotsgoingon]

Be reasonable with yourself: 

Given how deeply attached you to him (and apparently unattached to other people), you can NOT just "will yourself" into keeping distance. The craving and longing for him (emotionally and physically) will return with a vengeance.

So you need to get to therapy and fix a number of things in your life, so that you aren't so dependent on this guy.  You identify two big issues you're struggling with. 

Issue #1 Fear of making a mistake---a huge issue that connects to a tangle of other issues. People can center all of therapy around  letting go of the perfectionism and when they make progress, their lives improve dramatically.

Issue #2 Fear of getting hurt--another huge issue that connects to a tangle of other issues. Again, could be the center of therapy all on its own.

You can work on those and improve a lot and get a lot happier. Will require some work, require finding a really good therapist. Quit all incompetent, unclear, unsafe and less-than-brilliant therapists. Keep going til you find the amazing one for you. 

Sounds like your MM was a mentor, an older advisor, someone you trusted and who built you up. But when you got involved, he really undermined the mentor relationship. In other words, the ideal would be that you would be out dating other people and you check in with this guy for affirmation. But once you got sexually involved and pregnant, that clean mentor relationship was uprooted and tossed into the river. 

I have mentored a number of younger women, and it's one reason I have a super hard boundary--because I saw a buddy of mine (a woman) fall in love with a married man who was sorta a mentor. She also got pregnant and that relationship messed her up because like you apparently, it was her first relationship. You start your dating like knowing you are not a priority and getting comfortable with that. 

A first relationship with a married man is terrible for going forward. That's why you're in such pain and longing. Absolutely terrible template that you are starting life with. But you can overcome this. Get to therapy. 

Edited September 2, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[BaileyB]

You will be fine Louise. This is for the best.

If it was me, I would absolutely focus on all the things I said above - that he preyed upon my loneliness and vulnerability, that he agreed to abort my child because it was not convenient for his life/marriage, that he would allow me to waste my time knowing that he was never going to leave his wife. I would foster my anger and that would help me to look forward, not backward. This man was not a friend to you - a friend doesn’t take advantage of another for their own personal gain in the way that he did. A friend wants what’s best for you, even if they have to sacrifice what they want. This man may have developed feelings for you but what he has done here is not fair to you in any way… You own part of that, because you chose to be in a relationship with this man. But, I would say don’t focus on the regret and remorse - this is without doubt a very difficult and painful learning experience for you but if you learn the lesson, it won’t be wasted. 

Edited September 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Louise1220]

20 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Be reasonable with yourself: 

Given how deeply attached you to him (and apparently unattached to other people), you can NOT just "will yourself" into keeping distance. The craving and longing for him (emotionally and physically) will return with a vengeance.

So you need to get to therapy and fix a number of things in your life, so that you aren't so dependent on this guy.  You identify two big issues you're struggling with. 

Issue #1 Fear of making a mistake---a huge issue that connects to a tangle of other issues. People can center all of therapy around  letting go of the perfectionism and when they make progress, their lives improve dramatically.

Issue #2 Fear of getting hurt--another huge issue that connects to a tangle of other issues. Again, could be the center of therapy all on its own.

You can work on those and improve a lot and get a lot happier. Will require some work, require finding a really good therapist. Quit all incompetent, unclear, unsafe and less-than-brilliant therapists. Keep going til you find the amazing one for you. 

Sounds like your MM was a mentor, an older advisor, someone you trusted and who built you up. But when you got involved, he really undermined the mentor relationship. In other words, the ideal would be that you would be out dating other people and you check in with this guy for affirmation. But once you got sexually involved and pregnant, that clean mentor relationship was uprooted and tossed into the river. 

I have mentored a number of younger women, and it's one reason I have a super hard boundary--because I saw a buddy of mine (a woman) fall in love with a married man who was sorta a mentor. She also got pregnant and that relationship messed her up because like you apparently, it was her first relationship. You start your dating like knowing you are not a priority and getting comfortable with that. 

A first relationship with a married man is terrible for going forward. That's why you're in such pain and longing. Absolutely terrible template that you are starting life with. But you can overcome this. Get to therapy. 

Thank you Lotsgoingon— this is good insight for me and I appreciate your take. I have reached out to my previous counselor and he said he will give me a reduced rate! I think what’s helping me at this very moment is simply accepting that this going to be a tough road. I’m just going to lean in and realize that I’m going to feel uncomfortable for awhile as I take steps to move on. The pulling back from him is definitely not going to be easy but I believe all of you when you say it will get better. I can’t afford to waste any more time. Hurts enough as it is to know I’ve wasted 3 years. Honestly, this guy should come with a warning label. He’s had extramarital relationships before me. I know I know….how stupid could I be to buy into the lie. He was just so good at convincing me I was different from any of them and that he never loved them like he did me. What the hell was I thinking? *facepalm*

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

I have reached out to my previous counselor and he said he will give me a reduced rate!

Yeah!!

19 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

I think what’s helping me at this very moment is simply accepting that this going to be a tough road. I’m just going to lean in and realize that I’m going to feel uncomfortable for awhile as I take steps to move on.

That is good insight. I’ve heard it said (and I’m going to butcher this;) that personal growth happens only when we are broken - when life is going well we are not motivated to change and grow. But, when we are struggling through the most difficult times, this is our greatest opportunity for growth and change. I believe that to be very true. Embrace this and know, good will come from this experience - if you are ready to do some self reflection and do the work. It won’t always be easy but it should be worth it - 

19 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

He’s had extramarital relationships before me.

HUGE RED FLAG - for future reference.

19 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

He was just so good at convincing me

I think you really, really wanted to believe him. And that’s where you need to focus in therapy… Why you ignored the red flags. Why you didn’t have the self worth to tell this guy to take a hike. I mean, you aborted a child because you didn’t want to screw up his life. And, you told him that you understood when he told you that he wasn’t going to leave his wife and children. 

I agree with what was stated above, for your first relationship to be an affair with a married man - that is a terrible template on which you will be attempting to build future relationships. But, you sound like a good and insightful person - I think with counselling you will figure it out. 

Edited September 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Louise1220]

26 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You will be fine Louise. This is for the best.

If it was me, I would absolutely focus on all the things I said above - that he preyed upon my loneliness and vulnerability, that he agreed to abort my child because it was not convenient for his life/marriage, that he would allow me to waste my time knowing that he was never going to leave his wife. I would foster my anger and that would help me to look forward, not backward. This man was not a friend to you - a friend doesn’t take advantage of another for their own personal gain in the way that he did. A friend wants what’s best for you, even if they have to sacrifice what they want. This man may have developed feelings for you but what he has done here is not fair to you in any way… You own part of that, because you chose to be in a relationship with this man. But, I would say don’t focus on the regret and remorse - this is without doubt a very difficult and painful learning experience for you but if you learn the lesson, it won’t be wasted. 

You are right— looking back he said all the right things that made me feel special. I’ve seen how he can be with women and it puts a knot in my stomach that I let myself fall into the trap. A very hard lesson indeed. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, a tough road in some ways, but a liberating and joyful road when you feel the freedom to stay away from this guy and the freedom to build a great life outside of this guy and the freedom to forgive yourself.

The goodies will come and they should come soon. I hope your counselor is good.  Example: you and the counselor to come up with a plan for ending things with him, not contacting him. So much easier to do this when you've got support and the external encouragement and accountability.

Edited September 2, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Louise1220]

28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I think you really, really wanted to believe him. And that’s where you need to focus in therapy… Why you ignored the red flags. Why you didn’t have the self worth to tell this guy to take a hike. I mean, you aborted a child because you didn’t want to screw up his life. And, you told him that you understood when he told you that he wasn’t going to leave his wife and children. 
 

Additional context here is that he told me he didn't feel emotionally connected to his wife and that it was a "cordial" marriage. That the focus was just on the kids and nothing more than that. At that time, I felt bad for him that he was lacking in some way. And I have to say, I also felt special that I was the one in his life that gave him that feeling of being understood. It felt good. I don't know to this day if he was honest about that or not-- I may never know for sure. It doesn't even matter at this point. In any case, I chose ME and what I wanted from it. Putting a wall up blocking out any thought about his wife and kids. His wife was pregnant with their second at the time this happened and he said the pregnancy was forced on him and that he really didn't want to have any more kids. I once asked him if he thought his wife knew that he was cheating. His immediate response was yes and continued to say that she probably doesn't want to bring it up for fear of losing the marriage. At the time, I actually thought-- wow, that's pretty weak of her. But maybe that's a reflection of me and what I would do if I were her. Maybe I would overlook it too? Idk...just processing through all this. I'm so grateful for this forum by the way. What a comfort and encouragement!

[Louise1220]

36 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The goodies will come and they should come soon. I hope your counselor is good.  Example: you and the counselor to come up with a plan for ending things with him, not contacting him. So much easier to do this when you've got support and the external encouragement and accountability.

Thanks Lotsgoingon-- Yes, I just made an appointment for next week with my counselor. Looking forward to making a plan with help and accountability. Onward and upward. 

[Louise1220]

6 minutes ago, S2B said:

Good! Now YOU have a chance to have a real and true relationship!!

stay strong! Know YOU deserve a man who will prioritize you as #1

dig deep within! Remind that little girl inside of you that THIS was NOT what you dreamed of when you imagined love as a little girl!

he is a complete jerk! Please tell yourself a thousand times a day that you deserve better!!

Thank you S2B. I think you're giving me more love right now than he ever did. Gosh that's so sad, but sobering. I just read a quote that says in order for good things to happen, bad things must end. I think I'm going to need this written on my forehead, bathroom mirror, phone screen, you name it. 

[Louise1220]

9 minutes ago, S2B said:

we ended it. I only wish it said

I ended it!  

I called him and told him that I didn't want to go on like this and he said he understood. So I guess you could say it was my idea and that he agreed and wants the best for me.