Lost my virginity to a MM…now deeply attached

[Louise1220]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Personally, I would be honest but I would limit the information. Nobody is ever entitled to know every detail about their date’s relationship/sexual history. In fact, I would argue that it would be inappropriate and unhealthy for both partners should that information be shared. Aside from what is necessary to know as it relates to seed sex, your past relationships are not really any of their business. 

My suggestion, tell them that you met a man who was not the right person for you. You were at a tough time in your life, and it was not really a healthy relationship for you. It ended, but from that relationship you learned a lot - about yourself, about relationships, about what you want for your future, etc… 

That's helpful. I'm an over analyzer and I always worry about "what ifs". What if they ask about how I feel about abortion? Heavy topics like this are tricky for me to navigate sometimes. Especially when it's something I've been involved in. Is this self sabotage? I'm not sure....

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Louise1220 said:

What if they ask about how I feel about abortion?

If he was to ask, you don’t have to answer. You can say very respectfully, “I would prefer not to discuss that right now.”

Same with the discussion about infidelity, that’s not something I have ever discussed or debated with my partner except to say, when we were discussing exclusivity - that neither of us had ever cheated on a partner.  You can say that too, for what it’s worth. 

The word you are looking for is boundaries. When getting to know someone new, there should be some really healthy boundaries… avoid politics, religion, abortion, infidelity… talk about where you have travelled, and your favorite restaurants, and what you like to do on the weekend…

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

The word you are looking for is boundaries. When getting to know someone new, there should be some really healthy boundaries… avoid politics, religion, abortion, infidelity… talk about where you have travelled, and your favorite restaurants, and what you like to do on the weekend…

Sorry, what I should have said is the reason why you don’t know how to respond is because those kind of questions Cora’s what would be considered by most to be a safe and appropriate boundary when talking with someone you really don’t know well… there is nothing wrong with the fact that it flusters you. Just don’t be afraid to say - this is not something I want to discuss right now. 

[Louise1220]

29 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Sorry, what I should have said is the reason why you don’t know how to respond is because those kind of questions Cora’s what would be considered by most to be a safe and appropriate boundary when talking with someone you really don’t know well… there is nothing wrong with the fact that it flusters you. Just don’t be afraid to say - this is not something I want to discuss right now. 

Thank you BaileyB. I appreciate your clarity. Thinking more about it I may have been too hasty to spill it all. The truth is I can’t talk to my family or friends about it. I am limited to only my counselor right now. 

[glows]

How did he react to the comments about infidelity, OP? Every situation is different. Generally delving into ex relationships isn’t needed and most people graciously change the topic when this comes up, saving the other person from having to say too much or divulge something they might not want to, realizing it’s a mistake to bring this up so early. Just work on that confidence of yours, have good boundaries, a clear mind and conscience. 

Be yourself and you seem like a kind and thoughtful person. Think about what you’d like to see in a partner and what matters most to you in a relationship. Don’t settle and be patient. If there are topics you feel aren’t suitable change the subject or be direct if they’re being pushy. I’d say most people have the ability to understand it’s time to talk about something else and you’re also watching for individuals who have the sensitivity and tact not to bring up such subjects.

Edited October 4, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Louise1220 said:

 How do I communicate about my past relationship while keeping it secret at the same time? 

If you are going on about this married man, no matter the reason, to perfect strangers and dates, no less, perhaps take some time to recover and reflect and be more present when dating rather than bringing up this situation. 

Dating is not a slumber party game of truth or dare where you are supposed to "confess" or go into details about your past.

When you are ready to date, you'll know. You won't feel as panicked about random topics.

[Louise1220]

12 hours ago, glows said:

How did he react to the comments about infidelity, OP? Every situation is different. Generally delving into ex relationships isn’t needed and most people graciously change the topic when this comes up, saving the other person from having to say too much or divulge something they might not want to, realizing it’s a mistake to bring this up so early. Just work on that confidence of yours, have good boundaries, a clear mind and conscience. 

Be yourself and you seem like a kind and thoughtful person. Think about what you’d like to see in a partner and what matters most to you in a relationship. Don’t settle and be patient. If there are topics you feel aren’t suitable change the subject or be direct if they’re being pushy. I’d say most people have the ability to understand it’s time to talk about something else and you’re also watching for individuals who have the sensitivity and tact not to bring up such subjects.

He said he was glad I told him. He opened up to me as well. But now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have. I've learned my lesson here. I'm not going to put any pressure on myself going forward. Just going to take it slow, day by day. There's days where I feel totally fine and I'm living presently. Then there's days when I'm around people and something triggers a memory with MM or triggers my abortion, and my mood changes to sadness. It's hard to cover up and still put on a smile in those moments when I'm around friends or family. 

[glows]

19 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

I'm not going to put any pressure on myself going forward. Just going to take it slow, day by day. 

Absolutely. This is exactly it. I am very sorry about the abortion and loss. Have you looked at grief counselling? 

[Louise1220]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Absolutely. This is exactly it. I am very sorry about the abortion and loss. Have you looked at grief counselling? 

Thank you. Yes, I am in counseling once a month since that's all I can afford right now. But my counselor will text me every Monday to check and see how I'm feeling which I deeply appreciate. It's definitely helped. 

[Stupidkupid]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree with @Wiseman2   This is past history - it's in the category of things which I'd recommend taking to your grave

This. Do not tell. Certainly not on a date.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Louise1220 said:

He said he was glad I told him.

I hate to say it, because I don’t know how it was received and interpreted by either of you. But, you could interpret this as “he understood, he was glad that I told him.” He could also be thinking, “I’m glad she told me, because that is a real red flag and I’m glad to have that information.” Do you see what I’m saying?

You seem like a lovely woman, the fact that he shared something as well tells me that it was likely received well, so I wouldn’t worry about that. But, with a different person, “I’m glad you told me” can be interpreted different ways… 

If I was on a date with someone and they told me something that was concerning/a dealbreaker, my response would be very polite and socially appropriate. I would say “I’m glad you told me” because now that I have that information, I will chose to make a different decision for myself…

Edited October 4, 2022 by BaileyB

[Louise1220]

42 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I hate to say it, because I don’t know how it was received and interpreted by either of you. But, you could interpret this as “he understood, he was glad that I told him.” He could also be thinking, “I’m glad she told me, because that is a real red flag and I’m glad to have that information.” Do you see what I’m saying?

You seem like a lovely woman, the fact that he shared something as well tells me that it was likely received well, so I wouldn’t worry about that. But, with a different person, “I’m glad you told me” can be interpreted different ways… 

If I was on a date with someone and they told me something that was concerning/a dealbreaker, my response would be very polite and socially appropriate. I would say “I’m glad you told me” because now that I have that information, I will chose to make a different decision for myself…

Great point and exactly what I was thinking too. That it could be the "I'm glad she told me because that is a real red flag" route. I told him I wouldn't blame him or take offense whatsoever if he was no longer interested. It would be perfectly understandable. He responded with we can be friends. I said "There's no pressure to be friends and please don't feel the need to say that in the moment." He said, "no I like talking to you." We moved on to other topics like what we value and look for in a partner, which was a great conversation! We both admitted that we are very picky and it was nice to hear his perspectives on various things. In any case, I truly thought that would be the end of it and I'd probably never hear from him again. And I was fully prepared for that. But surprisingly, he's been texting me everyday and being very flirty and saying he can't wait to hang out again when he gets back into town. He's been initiating every text so far. I'm still treading lightly as I'm still getting to know this guy. To recap... my history is that I've never had a serious boyfriend and I've kept my guard up for a long time until MM came along. I know I'm still fragile right now. I know I'll never be who I was. I know I need to be smarter and wiser going forward. 

All of this feedback is telling me that I made a huge mistake in telling him the truth. I get it....it's very unorthodox and looking back, I didn't think it through. But why do I feel relieved and a lot less anxious now? 

Appreciate the continuous insight!

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

But surprisingly, he's been texting me everyday and being very flirty and saying he can't wait to hang out again when he gets back into town. He's been initiating every text so far. I'm still treading lightly as I'm still getting to know this guy.

That’s fine. Just keep your expectations in check, as he did say he wanted to be friends. Follow his lead and keep it easy and fun. Dating is supposed to be fun! 

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

But why do I feel relieved and a lot less anxious now? 

Because you told your secret and it was fine. I’m glad you feel less anxious - sometimes, the right relationship comes along when we are least expecting it, when the pressure of expectation is not there. 

If you think of it this way, it also really reinforces what we’ve been saying - this relationship is part of your past but it doesn’t have to be a big part of your future. It’s not some big “secret” that you are keeping from the man you are dating, it’s just another life experience that has brought you to this moment. You don’t need to tell the whole story. In this case, you disclosed it all and… fancy that - he didn’t care! So next time, when someone asks you can say with confidence - “yes, I have previously been in a relationship and it didn’t work out” and know that life goes on…

Edited October 4, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

He responded with we can be friends.

Exactly. He saw this as TMI and red flags, which it was. Wait until you are not compelled to vent about this situation to anyone who'll listen. Keep in mind dating is to get to know someone, not to get over someone.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

All of this feedback is telling me that I made a huge mistake in telling him the truth. I get it....it's very unorthodox and looking back, I didn't think it through. But why do I feel relieved and a lot less anxious now? 

Appreciate the continuous insight!

For all you know him not wanting to date you may be due to other reasons. He’s still contacting you daily, being flirty and told you he wants to be friends only? This suggests someone mixed up and giving conflicting messages, OP. He sounds like a mess. Is this something you’re comfortable with? If not, I’d block and delete the contact. 

I suggest stepping back and treating this as a learning experience. You’re acknowledging you’re feeling fragile. Brush yourself off and enjoy being single. Date around a bit and get your feet wet. See what else is out there. 

[Louise1220]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. He saw this as TMI and red flags, which it was. Wait until you are not compelled to vent about this situation to anyone who'll listen. Keep in mind dating is to get to know someone, not to get over someone.

I respect and value your take. But just to clarify, telling him about MM was not a way for me to get over MM. At least that wasn't my intention. My intention was "hey...this is the story. It's in my past but I'm still figuring my way through it. Take it or leave it."

And to clarify even further, I didn't spill all this date 1. It took a few dates before I told him the truth. Each date has gotten deeper and deeper in conversation and it felt safe to be honest. I don't want any potential SO to ever say "why didn't you tell me this sooner? You could have or should have told me" I don't want to waste anyone's time. If this guy hears this and thinks "red flags, I'm out"... then he isn't the one, and isn't it better to know that now rather than later? Please enlighten me if I'm wrong. I like to look up quotes as a way to comfort myself-- in this case, pertaining to honesty. Please let me know if these are an exception to my case....

"Saying too much can complicate things. But in this short life, not saying enough is much worse."

"Communicate. Even when it's uncomfortable or uneasy. One of the best ways to heal is simply, get everything out."

"Be open and truthful. Try to be the most honest you can be. To yourself, but also to other people. Try to live a life that no matter what question they ask you, you'll always be able to look the other person in the eye." 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Louise1220 said:

. My intention was "hey...this is the story. It's in my past but I'm still figuring my way through it. Take it or leave it."

 

Ok. That's not really worth wasting someone's time for when you would be better off confiding in trusted friends, family and your therapist.

Why date with an "I don't care" attitude? Or deliberately go present yourself as damaged goods?  Use discretion in who you open up to.

Simply take a break from dating until you no longer feel the urge to talk about this ex lover.

Edited October 5, 2022 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

Open and truthful is not a bad thing, but not everyone wants or cares to hear your whole life story. You should share this information only at the right time, and with the right person. That’s my humble opinion.

We all have things in our lives that we are not proud of and we all have things that we are working through. We all don’t share this information with everyone we meet.

There is a reason why you have a counsellor - thats the best place to talk about this stuff. That person serves a different purpose than the man you date. 

So, while I applaud your willingness to take responsibility and be open and honest with people, there is a time and a place. Sharing too much - you will run the risk that he will either a) decide this is a red flag and walk away or b) people will not want to spend time with you because sharing too much information tends to make some people uncomfortable. 

Edited October 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[Louise1220]

On 10/5/2022 at 6:30 AM, BaileyB said:

Open and truthful is not a bad thing, but not everyone wants or cares to hear your whole life story. You should share this information only at the right time, and with the right person. That’s my humble opinion.

We all have things in our lives that we are not proud of and we all have things that we are working through. We all don’t share this information with everyone we meet.

There is a reason why you have a counsellor - thats the best place to talk about this stuff. That person serves a different purpose than the man you date. 

So, while I applaud your willingness to take responsibility and be open and honest with people, there is a time and a place. Sharing too much - you will run the risk that he will either a) decide this is a red flag and walk away or b) people will not want to spend time with you because sharing too much information tends to make some people uncomfortable. 

I spoke with my counselor about it— I asked him if I made a mistake by telling the guy I’ve been seeing about everything. He said not necessarily, but going forward I do need to set boundaries for myself and not feel bad for keeping certain things to myself. While I don’t regret telling new guy, you and wiseman are right— I do need to use discretion going forward.
 

Thank you all again for your support and honesty! It’s helping me through the storm for sure

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

I spoke with my counselor about it— I asked him if I made a mistake by telling the guy I’ve been seeing about everything. He said not necessarily, but going forward I do need to set boundaries for myself and not feel bad for keeping certain things to myself. While I don’t regret telling new guy, you and wiseman are right— I do need to use discretion going forward.
 

Thank you all again for your support and honesty! It’s helping me through the storm for sure

Glad to see you've met someone and moving on from MM.