Lost my virginity to a MM…now deeply attached

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

Additional context here is that he told me he didn't feel emotionally connected to his wife and that it was a "cordial" marriage.

Louise, they all say this. Very few women would consider a relationship or have sex with a man who told her that he loved his wife, they had a great sex life, and he had a happy family. 

31 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

At that time, I felt bad for him that he was lacking in some way.

He preyed upon your sympathy with his woe is me tale… again, pretty typical play by him and pretty predictable response from you. 

31 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

And I have to say, I also felt special that I was the one in his life that gave him that feeling of being understood. It felt good.

It felt good in that, you got attention, affirmation, and validation. It also felt good in that, you had one-up on his wife. That sense of competition is inherent in the very dynamic of the relationship. 

31 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

His wife was pregnant with their second at the time this happened and he said the pregnancy was forced on him and that he really didn't want to have any more kids.

Oh Lord, the old - my wife forced me to have another baby against my will excuse. Second only to the, my wife forced me to marry her and I didn’t want to get married excuse. Like these men aren’t grown adults with the ability to make a decision and communicate with their wives. 

And seriously, what kind of man cheats on his pregnant wife? The lowest of the low, I’d you ask me. She is at home, caring for his children, pregnant and uncomfortable, vulnerable - and where is her husband? Out canoodling with you!! Brutal! 

31 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

I once asked him if he thought his wife knew that he was cheating. His immediate response was yes and continued to say that she probably doesn't want to bring it up for fear of losing the marriage.

Oh, I thought he was going to say she knows but she doesn’t care… that’s the standard line. She knows but she turns the other cheek because she doesn’t want to lose her house/kids/money/marriage. 

31 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

His immediate response was yes and continued to say that she probably doesn't want to bring it up for fear of losing the marriage. At the time, I actually thought-- wow, that's pretty weak of her.

She potentially has absolutely no idea that her husband is a serial cheater, so we can’t even begin to speculate on her character or what she would do. If anything, you should have empathy for the woman - she IS tied to this man with a mortgage and children and he has not shown her the respect and dignity that she deserves as his wife. You are lucky in that you at least get to walk away from this guy and build a wonderful life for yourself - not entirely unscathed but free to leave him behind you forever. 

Edited September 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Louise1220]

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

Yep, you make room in your life for good things by eliminating the things you know don’t work for you.

I think you have enough evidence to understand fully well, he isn’t good for you.

he took your virginity - he is married - he encouraged an abortion.

why not tell his wife? She deserves to know who she is REALLY married to. 

He told me that he thinks she already knows he's a cheater. But she doesn't want to bring it up because it might mean the end. Honestly, it would make me feel a lot better to tell her--- because I do want him to have to face the hurt that he's caused-- I just don't want to be selfish about it and ruin her life as well. I told him on the phone earlier today that I hope he gets the courage one day to tell his wife the truth about everything and not do this to anyone else. 

[BaileyB]

If you do tell her, don’t do it out of anger or revenge. Don’t do it as a ploy to get him back. Do it because she deserves to know that her husband is a fraud, her marriage is not what she believes it to be. 

The other benefit to come from telling his wife - it will absolutely close the door to any future relationship with this man. Your affair will be done, like dinner. 

Just be prepared - some women don’t appreciate the fact that another woman has infringed on their marriage. Some women respond with anger toward the other woman. It is the risk you take if you decide to tell her the truth. 

[Louise1220]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Louise, they all say this. Very few women would consider a relationship or have sex with a man who told her that he loved his wife, they had a great sex life, and he had a happy family. 

He preyed upon your sympathy with his woe is me tale… again, pretty typical play by him and pretty predictable response from you. 

It felt good in that, you got attention, affirmation, and validation. It also felt good in that, you had one-up on his wife. That sense of competition is inherent in the very dynamic of the relationship. 

Oh Lord, the old - my wife forced me to have another baby against my will excuse. Second only to the, my wife forced me to marry her and I didn’t want to get married excuse. Like these men aren’t grown adults with the ability to make a decision and communicate with their wives. 

And seriously, what kind of man cheats on his pregnant wife? The lowest of the low, I’d you ask me. She is at home, caring for his children, pregnant and uncomfortable, vulnerable - and where is her husband? Out canoodling with you!! Brutal! 

Oh, I thought he was going to say she knows but she doesn’t care… that’s the standard line. She knows but she turns the other cheek because she doesn’t want to lose her house/kids/money/marriage. 

She potentially has absolutely no idea that her husband is a serial cheater, so we can’t even begin to speculate on her character or what she would do. If anything, you should have empathy for the woman - she IS tied to this man with a mortgage and children and he has not shown her the respect and dignity that she deserves as his wife. You are lucky in that you at least get to walk away from this guy and build a wonderful life for yourself - no unscathed but free to leave him behind you forever. 

It's disgusting. I know in my heart of hearts I DO NOT want to be with someone like this. You would think that all of this would be make me lose my desire for him with a snap of a finger. And while at the moment it does, I know that there will come a time when I'm going to have to fight the urge to have sex with him again. It's a mental cycle I'm going to have to break out of. It's a sickness....it has to be. I'm no expert but that's what it feels like. As for his wife, you are right-- I shouldn't be speculating. Honestly, if she were to call me one day and tell me what I whore I am, I would just sit there quietly and take it. Because that's how I feel. It's my own fault. 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

It's a mental cycle I'm going to have to break out of. It's a sickness....it has to be. I'm no expert but that's what it feels like.

Look up intermittent reinforcement, that’s the basis of the addiction of most affairs. 

Edited September 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Louise1220]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Look up intermittent reinforcement, that’s the basis of the addiction of most affairs. 

Wow. I just looked it up...this is enlightening to say the least. I'm a rat in a cage. This is cold hard truth but it's needed. Thank you.

[Louise1220]

8 minutes ago, S2B said:

And be ready - he will contact you again for sex…it’s predictable.

best if you take your power back and block all ways he contacts you!

I have blocked him from everything. He didn't want me to but it's necessary. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

He told me that he thinks she already knows he's a cheater. But she doesn't want to bring it up because it might mean the end. Honestly, it would make me feel a lot better to tell her--- because I do want him to have to face the hurt that he's caused-- I just don't want to be selfish about it and ruin her life as well. I told him on the phone earlier today that I hope he gets the courage one day to tell his wife the truth about everything and not do this to anyone else. 

Of course he knows that his wife knows he's a cheater.  This isn't his first affair and if you end it he'll just get another woman he sees as weak with no boundaries to bed.  Telling his wife wouldn't ruin her life but free her.  She deserves to know who she's married to and to have a chance to leave him and be with a man who respects her.  You would be doing her a big favor by tell her.

 

[Louise1220]

stillafool and S2B-- I'm sure you're both right. However, I want to ask my counselor when I meet with him next week and get his take. I know ending it and going no contact is 100% the right thing. Just want to make sure that my telling his wife would be the right thing also. Another thing too here is that MM, his wife, and I worked together at the same company. That's how they met was at work. They were married by the time I joined the company. I tried to make a connection with her before any sort of feelings developed between him and I. But she never seemed to like me. Could very well be because she watched her husband flirt with me in the office sometimes. There was a time when I didn't think very much of him at all and it was during this time. Then she became pregnant with their first child and after she had their daughter, she left the company. I still didn't have anything with him other than friendship. It wasn't until my 5th year of being his coworker/friend that I started developing feelings. Point being is that if I tell her, there's a risk that all of my former coworkers find out about it too. Some of them I'm still friends with. But maybe it would be for the best. Just let the chips fall where they may. 

[Louise1220]

9 minutes ago, S2B said:

Let him deal with that fallout.

any chance you can change jobs asap?

Oh we don't work together anymore. He and I both went to different companies. 

[stillafool]

48 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

It wasn't until my 5th year of being his coworker/friend that I started developing feelings.

Were you dating any other men during those 5 years?  Have you ever been in a relationship with a single man?  If not, you've missed out on a very important part of life by being involved with someone else's husband.  You've wasted years.

[Louise1220]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Were you dating any other men during those 5 years?  Have you ever been in a relationship with a single man?  If not, you've missed out on a very important part of life by being involved with someone else's husband.  You've wasted years.

Yes I went on dates with other guys but never felt anything deep with them. I still had my guard up. Meanwhile, didn’t realize that I was letting it down slowly with MM. You are correct— so much time wasted that I will never get back. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Louise1220 said:

I have blocked him from everything. He didn't want me to but it's necessary. 

Blocking is the number one tool to use toward moving on IMO.  Good you took that step.  

Edited September 3, 2022 by stillafool

[Luna66star]

I'm so sorry you are in this mess.  The fault is entirely his for allowing those boundaries to be  crossed.  He took full advantage of you, a young vulnerable woman.  He should have said no to getting too close.  However a lot of MM have a roommate type of marriages after many years and when an opportunity arises, they think it's okay to keep a side relationship. No divorce, no separation, and still keep the status quote at home.  Having your cake and eating it too.  He got intimacy needs met with you.  What were you getting but crumbs.

I know you feel otherwise but he's not a nice guy.  Sure he's human and has needs (sex) but it's highly manipulative and self serving to string you along for so many years.

I'm glad it's ended.  You must get your mind off him and actively meet others.  Otherwise this agony will never end.  There are many dating sites you can sign up on to start chatting with other men.  When other guys give you attention, it will feel good and MM obsession will lessen.

Absolute no contact is the key.  I hope things get better soon!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Louise1220]

I thought I'd provide an update as well as continue looking for on going support as I move on from my affair. It's been a steady month of no contact with MM. I've been in counseling, staying busy with work, and spending time with friends and family as much as possible. I've begun talking with a guy from a dating app that I like but I'm still struggling with thoughts of MM. I miss hearing his voice and being intimate with him. I just keep telling myself to hang on and let the feeling pass. There have been moments that I've needed to go back to my post and re-read all the feedback that's been given to me to snap me out of it and remind myself of why being in an affair is toxic. I truly can't wait for the day when the feeling of wanting him and missing him has faded away. This is brutal journey. But I've been acknowledging those moments of pushing through the desire as small wins for myself. I want to express my gratitude to all of the kind and gracious responses I've received on this forum. I appreciate you greatly and God Bless each of you!

[glows]

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

 It's been a steady month of no contact with MM. I've been in counseling, staying busy with work, and spending time with friends and family as much as possible. I've begun talking with a guy from a dating app that I like but I'm still struggling with thoughts of MM.

Yes, don’t contact him and keep him blocked. You both don’t work together either anymore and it’s a good thing. 

An emotionally available person for ie that person you may be chatting with may immediately pick up or be aware that you’re not in any shape to date or aren’t completely present. My only suggestion is to be realistic with yourself. Rebounds often don’t work and don’t hurt yourself expecting it to. It may be fun in the moment and something to take your mind off of other thoughts. Be wary also that you’re not attracting people not actually worth your time or feeling worse about themselves.

[Louise1220]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Yes, don’t contact him and keep him blocked. You both don’t work together either anymore and it’s a good thing. 

An emotionally available person for ie that person you may be chatting with may immediately pick up or be aware that you’re not in any shape to date or aren’t completely present. My only suggestion is to be realistic with yourself. Rebounds often don’t work and don’t hurt yourself expecting it to. It may be fun in the moment and something to take your mind off of other thoughts. Be wary also that you’re not attracting people not actually worth your time or feeling worse about themselves.

Hi glows! I appreciate your feedback. This is interesting...we had a date a few days ago and the topic of infidelity got brought up. I felt my cheeks get red and I was wondering if I should say anything. But I decided to be completely transparent with him about my situation. I told him I understand completely if this is a deal breaker, but I didn't want to hide and cover up anything. Honestly, I felt a big weight lifted off. I was prepared for him to say "see ya, I'm out"-- but he was very compassionate and he said he appreciated my being honest with him. He said he wanted to keep getting to know me (I was actually shocked). I'm not putting any pressure on myself and just taking it slow day by day. 

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

Hi glows! I appreciate your feedback. This is interesting...we had a date a few days ago and the topic of infidelity got brought up. I felt my cheeks get red and I was wondering if I should say anything. But I decided to be completely transparent with him about my situation. I told him I understand completely if this is a deal breaker, but I didn't want to hide and cover up anything. Honestly, I felt a big weight lifted off. I was prepared for him to say "see ya, I'm out"-- but he was very compassionate and he said he appreciated my being honest with him. He said he wanted to keep getting to know me (I was actually shocked). I'm not putting any pressure on myself and just taking it slow day by day. 

It’s good you’re able to be yourself. While you’re worried about being accepted also get to know him and see whether you’re compatible. This isn’t just about another guy determining if you’re worth spending time with. It works the other way around too. You’ve come a long way. Stay true to yourself and carry on.

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

we had a date a few days ago and the topic of infidelity got brought up. I felt my cheeks get red and I was wondering if I should say anything. But I decided to be completely transparent with him about my situation. 

Do not tell dates about this . It is not "transparent" it is TMI and making the date about your ex-lover rather than the man in front  of you. And that is hurtful.

If you wish to talk about this ex-lover, speak to trusted friends, family and your therapist but spare men you just met and are hoping to get to know the details of this. Focus on them, not you ex-lover.

Edited October 3, 2022 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

I agree with @Wiseman2   This is past history - it's in the category of things which I'd recommend taking to your grave

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

This is interesting...we had a date a few days ago and the topic of infidelity got brought up. I felt my cheeks get red and I was wondering if I should say anything. But I decided to be completely transparent with him about my situation.

I tend to agree with Wiseman, transparent does not mean that he needs to know every thing in your past history.

If the question is, have you ever been unfaithful, your answer is No. if the question is how many sexual partner’s have you had in the past, the answer is one.   Limiting the information your provide to only what is relevant for your date to know - ie. as it relates to safe sex - is best.

When you start talking about this relationship, it does become more about your MM than the person who is sitting right in front of you. Look forward, not backward.

Glad to hear that you are doing well. You should be really proud, 

[Louise1220]

45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do not tell dates about this . It is not "transparent" it is TMI and making the date about your ex-lover rather than the man in front  of you. And that is hurtful.

If you wish to talk about this ex-lover, speak to trusted friends, family and your therapist but spare men you just met and are hoping to get to know the details of this. Focus on them, not you ex-lover.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning to get t shirts made here. In this case, when he asked me about cheating... I felt a sense of panic and anxiety. I froze for a second and I think he sensed a hesitation. It  just felt easier to be honest. I agree with you-- this is not something to share to just anyone. For more context, we had already been on several dates before this one came up. And this date in particular had already been going on for several hours before this got brought up, so the focus wasn't on this until towards the end. I really do like this guy and IF (big IF) this goes anywhere, I wanted to break the cycle of secrecy and start on a foundation of honesty. Did I mess up?

My question is....when you're actively trying to move on and get to know other people, sometimes they ask about your past dating experiences/relationships? How do I communicate about my past relationship while keeping it secret at the same time? Just to prepare for this question in the future, how would I respond to someone? 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

My question is....when you're actively trying to move on and get to know other people, sometimes they ask about your past dating experiences/relationships? How do I communicate about my past relationship while keeping it secret at the same time? Just to prepare for this question in the future, how would I respond to someone? 

Try "I started dating quite late.  I had one on and off relationship with a guy and it didn't work out.  A stable relationship is much more what I need"

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

How do I communicate about my past relationship while keeping it secret at the same time?

Personally, I would be honest but I would limit the information. Nobody is ever entitled to know every detail about their date’s relationship/sexual history. In fact, I would argue that it would be inappropriate and unhealthy for both partners should that information be shared. Aside from what is necessary to know as it relates to seed sex, your past relationships are not really any of their business. 

My suggestion, tell them that you dated a man who was not the right person for you. It ended, but from that relationship you learned a lot - about yourself, about relationships, about what you want for your future, etc… 

Edited October 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[spiritedaway2003]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do not tell dates about this . It is not "transparent" it is TMI and making the date about your ex-lover rather than the man in front  of you. And that is hurtful.

If you wish to talk about this ex-lover, speak to trusted friends, family and your therapist but spare men you just met and are hoping to get to know the details of this. Focus on them, not you ex-lover.

This is excellent advice. Wiseman. 

OP, your dating history is in the past.  I wouldn't go on a date and talk about exes or other relationships.  Understand that the burden of having a past involving MM is yours to carry (and you shouldn't continue to carry it - learn to be compassionate and forgiving of yourself)  Accept all that has happened and hopefully learn from it so that the cycle doesn't repeat. 

Either way, focus on the dates, and I wouldn't waste time talking past dating history.  Depending on the person, know that sometimes some dates will use the info to judge you, similar to if someone has a high number of sexual numbers.  Unless the relationship is serious, there isn't a need share past dating history, unless one partner explicitly asks or one partner wants to share, or there is a "need to know" (e.g. STD).