Lost my virginity to a MM…now deeply attached

[glows]

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

 It's been a steady month of no contact with MM. I've been in counseling, staying busy with work, and spending time with friends and family as much as possible. I've begun talking with a guy from a dating app that I like but I'm still struggling with thoughts of MM.

Yes, don’t contact him and keep him blocked. You both don’t work together either anymore and it’s a good thing. 

An emotionally available person for ie that person you may be chatting with may immediately pick up or be aware that you’re not in any shape to date or aren’t completely present. My only suggestion is to be realistic with yourself. Rebounds often don’t work and don’t hurt yourself expecting it to. It may be fun in the moment and something to take your mind off of other thoughts. Be wary also that you’re not attracting people not actually worth your time or feeling worse about themselves.

[Louise1220]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Yes, don’t contact him and keep him blocked. You both don’t work together either anymore and it’s a good thing. 

An emotionally available person for ie that person you may be chatting with may immediately pick up or be aware that you’re not in any shape to date or aren’t completely present. My only suggestion is to be realistic with yourself. Rebounds often don’t work and don’t hurt yourself expecting it to. It may be fun in the moment and something to take your mind off of other thoughts. Be wary also that you’re not attracting people not actually worth your time or feeling worse about themselves.

Hi glows! I appreciate your feedback. This is interesting...we had a date a few days ago and the topic of infidelity got brought up. I felt my cheeks get red and I was wondering if I should say anything. But I decided to be completely transparent with him about my situation. I told him I understand completely if this is a deal breaker, but I didn't want to hide and cover up anything. Honestly, I felt a big weight lifted off. I was prepared for him to say "see ya, I'm out"-- but he was very compassionate and he said he appreciated my being honest with him. He said he wanted to keep getting to know me (I was actually shocked). I'm not putting any pressure on myself and just taking it slow day by day. 

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

Hi glows! I appreciate your feedback. This is interesting...we had a date a few days ago and the topic of infidelity got brought up. I felt my cheeks get red and I was wondering if I should say anything. But I decided to be completely transparent with him about my situation. I told him I understand completely if this is a deal breaker, but I didn't want to hide and cover up anything. Honestly, I felt a big weight lifted off. I was prepared for him to say "see ya, I'm out"-- but he was very compassionate and he said he appreciated my being honest with him. He said he wanted to keep getting to know me (I was actually shocked). I'm not putting any pressure on myself and just taking it slow day by day. 

It’s good you’re able to be yourself. While you’re worried about being accepted also get to know him and see whether you’re compatible. This isn’t just about another guy determining if you’re worth spending time with. It works the other way around too. You’ve come a long way. Stay true to yourself and carry on.

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

we had a date a few days ago and the topic of infidelity got brought up. I felt my cheeks get red and I was wondering if I should say anything. But I decided to be completely transparent with him about my situation. 

Do not tell dates about this . It is not "transparent" it is TMI and making the date about your ex-lover rather than the man in front  of you. And that is hurtful.

If you wish to talk about this ex-lover, speak to trusted friends, family and your therapist but spare men you just met and are hoping to get to know the details of this. Focus on them, not you ex-lover.

Edited October 3, 2022 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

I agree with @Wiseman2   This is past history - it's in the category of things which I'd recommend taking to your grave

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

This is interesting...we had a date a few days ago and the topic of infidelity got brought up. I felt my cheeks get red and I was wondering if I should say anything. But I decided to be completely transparent with him about my situation.

I tend to agree with Wiseman, transparent does not mean that he needs to know every thing in your past history.

If the question is, have you ever been unfaithful, your answer is No. if the question is how many sexual partner’s have you had in the past, the answer is one.   Limiting the information your provide to only what is relevant for your date to know - ie. as it relates to safe sex - is best.

When you start talking about this relationship, it does become more about your MM than the person who is sitting right in front of you. Look forward, not backward.

Glad to hear that you are doing well. You should be really proud, 

[Louise1220]

45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do not tell dates about this . It is not "transparent" it is TMI and making the date about your ex-lover rather than the man in front  of you. And that is hurtful.

If you wish to talk about this ex-lover, speak to trusted friends, family and your therapist but spare men you just met and are hoping to get to know the details of this. Focus on them, not you ex-lover.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning to get t shirts made here. In this case, when he asked me about cheating... I felt a sense of panic and anxiety. I froze for a second and I think he sensed a hesitation. It  just felt easier to be honest. I agree with you-- this is not something to share to just anyone. For more context, we had already been on several dates before this one came up. And this date in particular had already been going on for several hours before this got brought up, so the focus wasn't on this until towards the end. I really do like this guy and IF (big IF) this goes anywhere, I wanted to break the cycle of secrecy and start on a foundation of honesty. Did I mess up?

My question is....when you're actively trying to move on and get to know other people, sometimes they ask about your past dating experiences/relationships? How do I communicate about my past relationship while keeping it secret at the same time? Just to prepare for this question in the future, how would I respond to someone? 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

My question is....when you're actively trying to move on and get to know other people, sometimes they ask about your past dating experiences/relationships? How do I communicate about my past relationship while keeping it secret at the same time? Just to prepare for this question in the future, how would I respond to someone? 

Try "I started dating quite late.  I had one on and off relationship with a guy and it didn't work out.  A stable relationship is much more what I need"

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

How do I communicate about my past relationship while keeping it secret at the same time?

Personally, I would be honest but I would limit the information. Nobody is ever entitled to know every detail about their date’s relationship/sexual history. In fact, I would argue that it would be inappropriate and unhealthy for both partners should that information be shared. Aside from what is necessary to know as it relates to seed sex, your past relationships are not really any of their business. 

My suggestion, tell them that you dated a man who was not the right person for you. It ended, but from that relationship you learned a lot - about yourself, about relationships, about what you want for your future, etc… 

Edited October 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[spiritedaway2003]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do not tell dates about this . It is not "transparent" it is TMI and making the date about your ex-lover rather than the man in front  of you. And that is hurtful.

If you wish to talk about this ex-lover, speak to trusted friends, family and your therapist but spare men you just met and are hoping to get to know the details of this. Focus on them, not you ex-lover.

This is excellent advice. Wiseman. 

OP, your dating history is in the past.  I wouldn't go on a date and talk about exes or other relationships.  Understand that the burden of having a past involving MM is yours to carry (and you shouldn't continue to carry it - learn to be compassionate and forgiving of yourself)  Accept all that has happened and hopefully learn from it so that the cycle doesn't repeat. 

Either way, focus on the dates, and I wouldn't waste time talking past dating history.  Depending on the person, know that sometimes some dates will use the info to judge you, similar to if someone has a high number of sexual numbers.  Unless the relationship is serious, there isn't a need share past dating history, unless one partner explicitly asks or one partner wants to share, or there is a "need to know" (e.g. STD). 

[Louise1220]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Personally, I would be honest but I would limit the information. Nobody is ever entitled to know every detail about their date’s relationship/sexual history. In fact, I would argue that it would be inappropriate and unhealthy for both partners should that information be shared. Aside from what is necessary to know as it relates to seed sex, your past relationships are not really any of their business. 

My suggestion, tell them that you met a man who was not the right person for you. You were at a tough time in your life, and it was not really a healthy relationship for you. It ended, but from that relationship you learned a lot - about yourself, about relationships, about what you want for your future, etc… 

That's helpful. I'm an over analyzer and I always worry about "what ifs". What if they ask about how I feel about abortion? Heavy topics like this are tricky for me to navigate sometimes. Especially when it's something I've been involved in. Is this self sabotage? I'm not sure....

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Louise1220 said:

What if they ask about how I feel about abortion?

If he was to ask, you don’t have to answer. You can say very respectfully, “I would prefer not to discuss that right now.”

Same with the discussion about infidelity, that’s not something I have ever discussed or debated with my partner except to say, when we were discussing exclusivity - that neither of us had ever cheated on a partner.  You can say that too, for what it’s worth. 

The word you are looking for is boundaries. When getting to know someone new, there should be some really healthy boundaries… avoid politics, religion, abortion, infidelity… talk about where you have travelled, and your favorite restaurants, and what you like to do on the weekend…

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

The word you are looking for is boundaries. When getting to know someone new, there should be some really healthy boundaries… avoid politics, religion, abortion, infidelity… talk about where you have travelled, and your favorite restaurants, and what you like to do on the weekend…

Sorry, what I should have said is the reason why you don’t know how to respond is because those kind of questions Cora’s what would be considered by most to be a safe and appropriate boundary when talking with someone you really don’t know well… there is nothing wrong with the fact that it flusters you. Just don’t be afraid to say - this is not something I want to discuss right now. 

[Louise1220]

29 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Sorry, what I should have said is the reason why you don’t know how to respond is because those kind of questions Cora’s what would be considered by most to be a safe and appropriate boundary when talking with someone you really don’t know well… there is nothing wrong with the fact that it flusters you. Just don’t be afraid to say - this is not something I want to discuss right now. 

Thank you BaileyB. I appreciate your clarity. Thinking more about it I may have been too hasty to spill it all. The truth is I can’t talk to my family or friends about it. I am limited to only my counselor right now. 

[glows]

How did he react to the comments about infidelity, OP? Every situation is different. Generally delving into ex relationships isn’t needed and most people graciously change the topic when this comes up, saving the other person from having to say too much or divulge something they might not want to, realizing it’s a mistake to bring this up so early. Just work on that confidence of yours, have good boundaries, a clear mind and conscience. 

Be yourself and you seem like a kind and thoughtful person. Think about what you’d like to see in a partner and what matters most to you in a relationship. Don’t settle and be patient. If there are topics you feel aren’t suitable change the subject or be direct if they’re being pushy. I’d say most people have the ability to understand it’s time to talk about something else and you’re also watching for individuals who have the sensitivity and tact not to bring up such subjects.

Edited October 4, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Louise1220 said:

 How do I communicate about my past relationship while keeping it secret at the same time? 

If you are going on about this married man, no matter the reason, to perfect strangers and dates, no less, perhaps take some time to recover and reflect and be more present when dating rather than bringing up this situation. 

Dating is not a slumber party game of truth or dare where you are supposed to "confess" or go into details about your past.

When you are ready to date, you'll know. You won't feel as panicked about random topics.

[Louise1220]

12 hours ago, glows said:

How did he react to the comments about infidelity, OP? Every situation is different. Generally delving into ex relationships isn’t needed and most people graciously change the topic when this comes up, saving the other person from having to say too much or divulge something they might not want to, realizing it’s a mistake to bring this up so early. Just work on that confidence of yours, have good boundaries, a clear mind and conscience. 

Be yourself and you seem like a kind and thoughtful person. Think about what you’d like to see in a partner and what matters most to you in a relationship. Don’t settle and be patient. If there are topics you feel aren’t suitable change the subject or be direct if they’re being pushy. I’d say most people have the ability to understand it’s time to talk about something else and you’re also watching for individuals who have the sensitivity and tact not to bring up such subjects.

He said he was glad I told him. He opened up to me as well. But now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have. I've learned my lesson here. I'm not going to put any pressure on myself going forward. Just going to take it slow, day by day. There's days where I feel totally fine and I'm living presently. Then there's days when I'm around people and something triggers a memory with MM or triggers my abortion, and my mood changes to sadness. It's hard to cover up and still put on a smile in those moments when I'm around friends or family. 

[glows]

19 minutes ago, Louise1220 said:

I'm not going to put any pressure on myself going forward. Just going to take it slow, day by day. 

Absolutely. This is exactly it. I am very sorry about the abortion and loss. Have you looked at grief counselling? 

[Louise1220]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Absolutely. This is exactly it. I am very sorry about the abortion and loss. Have you looked at grief counselling? 

Thank you. Yes, I am in counseling once a month since that's all I can afford right now. But my counselor will text me every Monday to check and see how I'm feeling which I deeply appreciate. It's definitely helped. 

[Stupidkupid]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree with @Wiseman2   This is past history - it's in the category of things which I'd recommend taking to your grave

This. Do not tell. Certainly not on a date.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Louise1220 said:

He said he was glad I told him.

I hate to say it, because I don’t know how it was received and interpreted by either of you. But, you could interpret this as “he understood, he was glad that I told him.” He could also be thinking, “I’m glad she told me, because that is a real red flag and I’m glad to have that information.” Do you see what I’m saying?

You seem like a lovely woman, the fact that he shared something as well tells me that it was likely received well, so I wouldn’t worry about that. But, with a different person, “I’m glad you told me” can be interpreted different ways… 

If I was on a date with someone and they told me something that was concerning/a dealbreaker, my response would be very polite and socially appropriate. I would say “I’m glad you told me” because now that I have that information, I will chose to make a different decision for myself…

Edited October 4, 2022 by BaileyB

[Louise1220]

42 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I hate to say it, because I don’t know how it was received and interpreted by either of you. But, you could interpret this as “he understood, he was glad that I told him.” He could also be thinking, “I’m glad she told me, because that is a real red flag and I’m glad to have that information.” Do you see what I’m saying?

You seem like a lovely woman, the fact that he shared something as well tells me that it was likely received well, so I wouldn’t worry about that. But, with a different person, “I’m glad you told me” can be interpreted different ways… 

If I was on a date with someone and they told me something that was concerning/a dealbreaker, my response would be very polite and socially appropriate. I would say “I’m glad you told me” because now that I have that information, I will chose to make a different decision for myself…

Great point and exactly what I was thinking too. That it could be the "I'm glad she told me because that is a real red flag" route. I told him I wouldn't blame him or take offense whatsoever if he was no longer interested. It would be perfectly understandable. He responded with we can be friends. I said "There's no pressure to be friends and please don't feel the need to say that in the moment." He said, "no I like talking to you." We moved on to other topics like what we value and look for in a partner, which was a great conversation! We both admitted that we are very picky and it was nice to hear his perspectives on various things. In any case, I truly thought that would be the end of it and I'd probably never hear from him again. And I was fully prepared for that. But surprisingly, he's been texting me everyday and being very flirty and saying he can't wait to hang out again when he gets back into town. He's been initiating every text so far. I'm still treading lightly as I'm still getting to know this guy. To recap... my history is that I've never had a serious boyfriend and I've kept my guard up for a long time until MM came along. I know I'm still fragile right now. I know I'll never be who I was. I know I need to be smarter and wiser going forward. 

All of this feedback is telling me that I made a huge mistake in telling him the truth. I get it....it's very unorthodox and looking back, I didn't think it through. But why do I feel relieved and a lot less anxious now? 

Appreciate the continuous insight!

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

But surprisingly, he's been texting me everyday and being very flirty and saying he can't wait to hang out again when he gets back into town. He's been initiating every text so far. I'm still treading lightly as I'm still getting to know this guy.

That’s fine. Just keep your expectations in check, as he did say he wanted to be friends. Follow his lead and keep it easy and fun. Dating is supposed to be fun! 

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

But why do I feel relieved and a lot less anxious now? 

Because you told your secret and it was fine. I’m glad you feel less anxious - sometimes, the right relationship comes along when we are least expecting it, when the pressure of expectation is not there. 

If you think of it this way, it also really reinforces what we’ve been saying - this relationship is part of your past but it doesn’t have to be a big part of your future. It’s not some big “secret” that you are keeping from the man you are dating, it’s just another life experience that has brought you to this moment. You don’t need to tell the whole story. In this case, you disclosed it all and… fancy that - he didn’t care! So next time, when someone asks you can say with confidence - “yes, I have previously been in a relationship and it didn’t work out” and know that life goes on…

Edited October 4, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

He responded with we can be friends.

Exactly. He saw this as TMI and red flags, which it was. Wait until you are not compelled to vent about this situation to anyone who'll listen. Keep in mind dating is to get to know someone, not to get over someone.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Louise1220 said:

All of this feedback is telling me that I made a huge mistake in telling him the truth. I get it....it's very unorthodox and looking back, I didn't think it through. But why do I feel relieved and a lot less anxious now? 

Appreciate the continuous insight!

For all you know him not wanting to date you may be due to other reasons. He’s still contacting you daily, being flirty and told you he wants to be friends only? This suggests someone mixed up and giving conflicting messages, OP. He sounds like a mess. Is this something you’re comfortable with? If not, I’d block and delete the contact. 

I suggest stepping back and treating this as a learning experience. You’re acknowledging you’re feeling fragile. Brush yourself off and enjoy being single. Date around a bit and get your feet wet. See what else is out there.