Is it ok to turn to an ex for support

[Sue G]

I am going through a career transition becoming a business owner for the first time in my life at 46 by successfully getting a huge loan from the bank and it coïncides with a house renovation nightmare (going through lawyer’s and costing me more then the house will ever be worth).  My house is barely habitable not functional at all yet, but I moved back into it. I lived almost a year with my parents, my kids and partner in a 4 1/2 , with a hemiplegic mother who’s unconsciously killing my dad with her incessant demands and  her misery ( yes mommy issues). Anyway all this to say I am under severe financial stress, emotional stress. Must hire employees by Monday, must make sure everything is in place to operate my business…. And today I had a car accident on my way between picking up my daughter from high school and my son in elementary which destroyed 2 mags and popped 2 fairly new tires on my MDX. I just signed away my life insurance to my creditors instead of my kids today.  I am burnt out, sad and tired, and crying and my partner won’t console me in anyway. I love him but he’s the least empathetic bf I have ever had.So in my despair, I reach out by text to the father of my kids, who’s been working for a bank for over 20 years for some support and I spoke to him about my worries while crying and seeking some reassurance. The call lasted for 25 minutes exactly. Then on the worst day yet my life, my bf looses it on me for turning to my ex and decides to be a cold hearted angry bastard and makes sure I go to bed sader angrier and more distresses than ever. He told me, that from now on, he would turn to his ex every time he’s upset. He knew how badly I hated his crazy manipulative ex-wife and he sort of declared war on me on this night of all nights. Who’s right and who’s wrong here?

[basil67]

I'm so sorry all this is happening to you right now.  

With regards to what's going on for you now, I don't so much see this as right or wrong, but rather cause and effect.   I completely understand your boyfriend getting mad when you reached out to your ex for comfort.  But I also understand you reaching out elsewhere for support when your boyfriend isn't stepping up.   As a further complication, you seem to have a lot of chaos in your life (I realise that much of it is completely out of your control) and I wonder how much you've been leaning on your boyfriend.  It could be that your boyfriend has never been supportive.... or did he used to be supportive but got burned out by hearing about all the issues? 

And I know that this isn't what you asked, but I'm also wondering about the timing of getting a huge loan when you've just had to sign your life insurance to your creditors.   What did you put up as collateral for the loan?  Is the interest rate competitive?   I can't help but worry that the financial stress from this loan is only going to exacerbate your stress.   If your business fails (statistically, many new businesses fail in the first three years) will you be left in an even worse state when you have to give the lenders whatever you put up for collateral?  

I feel like you've got too many plates spinning at present  (((hugs)))

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Sue G said:

.So in my despair, I reach out by text to the father of my kids, Who’s right and who’s wrong here?

There's no right or wrong. You have to communicate with your kids father anyway, no? Why would you bother telling the BF about this communication with your children's father? The relationship with the BF sounds chaotic and hostile. Why are you there?

[glows]

9 hours ago, Sue G said:

I am going through a career transition becoming a business owner for the first time in my life at 46 by successfully getting a huge loan from the bank and it coïncides with a house renovation nightmare (going through lawyer’s and costing me more then the house will ever be worth).  My house is barely habitable not functional at all yet, but I moved back into it. I lived almost a year with my parents, my kids and partner in a 4 1/2 , with a hemiplegic mother who’s unconsciously killing my dad with her incessant demands and  her misery ( yes mommy issues). Anyway all this to say I am under severe financial stress, emotional stress. Must hire employees by Monday, must make sure everything is in place to operate my business…. And today I had a car accident on my way between picking up my daughter from high school and my son in elementary which destroyed 2 mags and popped 2 fairly new tires on my MDX. I just signed away my life insurance to my creditors instead of my kids today.  I am burnt out, sad and tired, and crying and my partner won’t console me in anyway. I love him but he’s the least empathetic bf I have ever had.So in my despair, I reach out by text to the father of my kids, who’s been working for a bank for over 20 years for some support and I spoke to him about my worries while crying and seeking some reassurance. The call lasted for 25 minutes exactly. Then on the worst day yet my life, my bf looses it on me for turning to my ex and decides to be a cold hearted angry bastard and makes sure I go to bed sader angrier and more distresses than ever. He told me, that from now on, he would turn to his ex every time he’s upset. He knew how badly I hated his crazy manipulative ex-wife and he sort of declared war on me on this night of all nights. Who’s right and who’s wrong here?

If there’s one thing you’ve learned, it’s that everyone does need support including you. I’d look at this in the bigger picture, thinking about the people you wish to have in your life who are supportive, intelligent and think similarly to you in the sense that you are not always overexplaining yourself and wasting your time or precious energy feeling drained and distressed. 

Are you having second thoughts about your business? Go back to your motivation and intent in creating the business. Don’t get sidetracked. 

[stillafool]

It seems your boyfriend is just adding to your mountain of probems.  Why do you still need him around?

[FMW]

I understand your boyfriend not liking you reaching out to your ex-husband, but it sounds like he was a jerk to you about it instead of expressing his feelings about it in a mature and constructive way.    

Did you reach out to your ex primarily because of trusting his financial expertise/advice, or was it more for emotional support?  As a business owner there may be local resources for free advice or limited consulting that you might want to check into.  If you were reaching out for emotional support because you felt abandoned in that way by your boyfriend, that's a bigger issue.  I would guess that this wasn't the first time he was a "cold hearted angry bastard". 

On 8/31/2022 at 11:43 PM, Sue G said:

I lived almost a year with my parents, my kids and partner in a 4 1/2

Does this mean your boyfriend was living with you at your parents?