Break up - What to Say?

[Otter2569]

I have been dating a woman for several weeks.  For me there is no real connection BUT she has feelings and "wants more".  I catch myself avoiding her and stringing her along because I don't want to hurt her feelings.  I know this is not right but i suck at breaking up with nice people.  Advice please.

She is close friends with my family and they love her which makes this situation more difficult.  To me she is clingy, needs too much attention, is all about sex (posts suggestive things on social media, sends revealing pics to other men, wants to go to strip clubs, wants to be a swinger (she says for me), spends hundreds on lingerie each month) and she is not very independent.  That aside she is also very sweet and caring. 

[glows]

What’s the hesitation in telling her the truth? You don’t feel you’re a match and aren’t going to keep seeing her. If she’s so caring and nice she’ll be moved to respect your wishes. 

You may also use the “it’s me not you” spiel but they’re often transparent and trite. Honesty is always best. 

[stillafool]

The cruelest thing you can do is to continue to string her along.  Sorry that she knows your family and is a good friend of theirs but, so what?  She may be hurt at first but like everyone else she'll get over it and find someone else who wants her.  Just tell her the truth which is always the best choice.

[Els]

Doing this at a few weeks in, is going to hurt her feelings far less than doing this 6 months or 6 years in. Honestly, just... suck it up and do it. The sooner the better. Say the whole "it's not you, it's me" thing, if you want to try and make her feel better, but just make sure you do it ASAP.

[Weezy1973]

Rip off the bandaid. The worst part about breaking up with someone is the mental anguish felt prior to breaking up. The shorter the time spent thinking about breaking up the better. And the relief you’ll feel afterwards will be great.

[ExpatInItaly]

Be kind but firm that you don't have the same feelings and cannot continue. 

Don't offer to be friends, even if she's a family friend. She sounds like she may be the time to cling on to that in hopes that you will change your mind. 

[BrinnM]

Whoa, another one? You’ve got an endless supply of women, you lucky guy! 

But yes, like @Weezy1973said: When it comes to all the unpleasant things that we have to do in our lifetime, less planning & less overthinking is key. Ripping off the bandaid hard and fast, and a “just do it” approach will help. That way, you won’t allow anxiety and stress to build up too much, which always happens to me whenever I drag something out that I should get done already. And then when the anxiety-inducing event is over, and it’s behind me, I feel so much better, and a lot of times I think to myself, “Well, that sucked, but it wasn’t even as bad as I expected. I’m glad it’s behind me.” (applies to almost every situation, personal and professional alike) ……….. So: Do it today! Tell her you think you’re not a match. It sucks that your family knows and likes her, but the attention-seeking, overly sexual behavior would be hard to tolerate long-term. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

she has feelings and "wants more". 

Honesty is the best policy in this case: "You're a great lady, but I am not looking for anything serious". It's a slight variation of 'it's me, not you" but with a more definitive approach since you have been sexual but dodging her.

[Estes]

Since you can't be direct, do what I've done when I've multiple dated and settled on one girl over several others. Ghost her.

Just do the slow fade, don't reach out to her at all, don't pick up when she calls, gradually cut back on texts and returning phone calls ..   be too busy to see her. If you must see her, make it brief with excuses like you have to work early or late, or you have an appointment or a funeral or whatever. It doesn't even have to be all that believable. You're not trying to gain her trust here.

Eventually she'll give up or ask what's up and you can say sorry I'm just not feeling it.

 

[BrinnM]

I wouldn’t ghost her, especially if you consider that his family knows her. Ghosting is generally a crappy move, but yes, I get it, it’s more and more “acceptable” in our society; but in this particular case I don’t think it’ll make it easier for OP at all, due to the family involvement. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You can do the "This isn't going to work for me. I don't think we're a good fit."

She asks why--repeat! ... There is no easy way to break up with someone, but you're only a few weeks in, so this IS easy. You wrote your headline like this was a three-year intense relationship. It hasn't really started.

Forget your family. Families don't want you to be miserable. 

[Estes]

I agree ghosting is a cowardly and cruel strategy but generally if someone doesn't have the strength to be direct and honest and deal with any potential backlash or hurt feelings then it's really the only other choice. Seconded only to the worst possible move which is the old "breakup by text".

The best way- especially since they're connected via family (I missed that part) is to pick a time when she's better able to deal with the bad news, so not when she's at work obviously. Give her a call and get right to it, and say listen we gotta talk. She'll go quiet and probably already know what's coming, and you proceed to tell her that she's a really great girl but you're just not feeling the spark, or you're not feeling "it" or whatever word you feel like putting after the word "feeling" that you're most comfortable with, it really doesn't matter exactly what you say, she'll get it. Be prepared for either "ok good bye and good luck" or hysterics. Give her an opportunity to say a few things but your ultimate goal is to get off the phone as quickly as possible without getting into the whole back and forth as to why you're breaking it off and what can she do to keep things going.

 

[Summer2024]

You need to be honest with her and break up. Kindly, like a gentleman, tell her all the things you like about her and how great she is but that you feel that you are simply not a good match. And that you rather do this now than later and hurt her even more. And that you wish her all the best! 

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't ghost her. 

Be mature, honest and direct. 

[Otter2569]

23 hours ago, Estes said:

Since you can't be direct, do what I've done when I've multiple dated and settled on one girl over several others. Ghost her.

Just do the slow fade, don't reach out to her at all, don't pick up when she calls, gradually cut back on texts and returning phone calls ..   be too busy to see her. If you must see her, make it brief with excuses like you have to work early or late, or you have an appointment or a funeral or whatever. It doesn't even have to be all that believable. You're not trying to gain her trust here.

Eventually she'll give up or ask what's up and you can say sorry I'm just not feeling it.

 

I would consider this if she wasn't so close to my family.  I have gotten distant at times and cancelled plans here and there but I have to man up on this.

[ShyViolet]

Oh you need to end this immediately, before you get yourself any more entangled and it only becomes harder to end it.  It is completely irrelevant that your family loves her.  They are not the ones in a relationship with her, you are.  This is YOUR life.  You just need to say the words "this relationship isn't working for me", keep it SIMPLE and to the point, don't dance around it or soften the blow by offering consolation prizes like staying friends.  You just need to get those words out, and stick to it.