Maybe I'm overreacting

[Kasdan]

Hey everyone. I've been married for almost 10 years and I would say it's been a happy one. My wife is a big social media user, but I'm not. I have it and use it to keep in touch with family, etc. and I always like and look at what my wife posts. Recently, I noticed some new guy that I have never seen or heard about in 10 years going through and liking every post with a picture of her in it. He goes way out of his way to like them even if they are buried in the post and not on the front. At first I didn't think much of it but it just kept happening. Now I have never paid all that much attention to her activities there, but something about this caused my stomach to go a bit, well uneasy.

I left it thinking I was being silly and insecure and why should I be there have never been any issues. I chalked it up to some stupid male thing that I just need to get over. But I did keep my eye on it and after a while it bugged me so I started looking back and it's been going on for a while. Then I did something I am not proud of, I looked at her messages. Turns out he's some old flame of some sort. He keeps trying to talk to her about those past days and telling her she's beautiful. Her responses were mostly innocent and short (thankfully) but she never put a stop to it. She just said those are good memories and thank you stuff like that. In between there would be just normal talk that you might expect from two people that are friends. 

I should note that during COVID are sex life took a bit of a hit, I just chalked it up to a combo of normal ebb and flow of any marriage lasting longer than 5 minutes and the added stress of a pandemic and dealing with children, but the timing of this guy is close to that same time. 

So, my question for everyone is this....Am I overreacting to something silly maybe because while we are not unhappy we have been a little off with life and everything going on or do I have a right to feel the jealousy and hurt that I'm feeling now? If it's the first, do you have any advice on how I get past it because if I'm just being a stupid idiot I don't want it to mess up my marriage.

Thanks in advance.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Kasdan said:

Her responses were mostly innocent and short (thankfully) but she never put a stop to it. She just said those are good memories and thank you stuff like that. In between there would be just normal talk that you might expect from two people that are friends. 

Am I overreacting to something silly maybe because while we are not unhappy we have been a little off with life and everything going on or do I have a right to feel the jealousy and hurt that I'm feeling now?

It's probably nothing but seems magnified because of other issues in the marriage.

[Kasdan]

Quote

It's probably nothing but seems magnified because of other issues in the marriage.

You could be right about that. Should I say something about it? I've been sitting thinking I should and but I'm trying to figure out how to approach it.

Edited September 1, 2022 by Kasdan
including the quote

[Estes]

The bigger issue here is the unhappy marriage and the ebbs and flows that you consider to be normal. They might be but how do you know what you're comparing your problems to and it doesn't really matter if they're significant enough to cause more problems down the road.

She likes the attention she's getting from this guy, that's for sure. Maybe she isn't getting enough from you?

What steps are you taking to turn things around in your marriage? It's like you stubbed your toe and you're concerned if you broke it while you're blindly stumbling towards a cliff.

[Summer2024]

Hi Kasdan, you have the right to feel how you feel. No one can tell you otherwise. 
 

Now, recognizing that your marriage fell off a bit (understandably- the pandemic affected us all), I would make the extra effort to make sure your relationship with her is secured and solid. Plan a surprise date, keep it light, and nice. If you open up that you have been monitoring her Instagram and checking for all the likes and invading her privacy to read messages, her reaction can be to pull away from you, which is not what you want. 

It seems to me that she maybe needed a bit of attention and enjoyed someone telling her flattering comments, but it sounds innocent and it sounds like nothing happened between them. 

Don’t focus on it, instead focus on solidifying your relationship, you are together and I am sure that there are so many things you both love from each other. Focus on the positive and growing together and tell her she is beautiful and how lucky you are to be with her. Women need to hear this from their husbands!!

I wish you all the best!

 

[chrysalis3]

22 hours ago, Kasdan said:

You could be right about that. Should I say something about it? I've been sitting thinking I should and but I'm trying to figure out how to approach it.

You could approach the topic very gently. Social media is a bit fickle.Sometimes I notice a person I have not seen a like from in a long time go ape  liking all my stuff and they seem to vanish again.  If bigger issues in the marriage exist, you prob should find away to iron those out.  

[laurshel]

Just be honest and communicate with her. Tell her that you've noticed this guy who has been liking all of her posts and take it from there. I doubt anything serious is going on. Like others have suggested, she may enjoy the attention or maybe she doesn't think it's a big deal and worth mentioning. Since you've seen her messages, you'll know if she's lying about direct contact. Whether or not she's going to be honest or try to hide things from you is why you need to ask.

[flitzanu]

i can tell you, now that you've snooped and read her messages, you're never going to get it out of your head until you bring it up.

it sounds like the messages you saw that she was not discussing hooking up with him or meeting up with him, that it was this guy that was saying everything and she was just being polite.

 

[glows]

On 9/1/2022 at 1:21 PM, Kasdan said:

You could be right about that. Should I say something about it? I've been sitting thinking I should and but I'm trying to figure out how to approach it.

You already know who it is and put the two and two together about how they know one another. If anything his attention makes you uncomfortable but that’s only because you’re feeling a bit insecure about your marriage. Do you trust your wife? Does she seem checked out of your marriage? Does she plan any dates or make time for the both of you? Do you do the same?