My wife and her male Co worker Hmm Affair or not?

[moonshine78]

My wife is 44. Her make coworker is 61. He likes her n expressed that via text. She told him no only friends. She even showed me the text. She says he looks great for his age and he does. But he is older n besides we are together.

She tried hooking him up with another Co worker but thats not working as she kikes another male colleague.

My wife and him take the shuttle to work every morning n back. He buys her donuts in the am and they eat them as they await the shuttle. 

If he has juicy gossip at work he will look for her to tell her. They several times have break or and lunch together. He also buys her snacks.

We were going through a rough patch recently and she wanted to move out and asked him to help her look for a place. She never told me I found out.

They call each other a few times a day on days off. 

She says there is nothing. She talks about him alot too every day.

After they get off shuttle he walks her a block to get her train n waits till she boards n he tells her to tell him she made it safe.

 

He has a live in gf who's getting evicted by the court system. She has issues. My wife is supportive of him on this and feels sorry for him for what he deals with with her. 

She will take a slice of pizza to work n in the evening bring it back not eaten n say shes not hungry n didnt eat. But later tell me about the good food he had. 

She says he looks good for his age though. She mentioned him to her mom as this new friend at work blah blah n she said her moms response " we dont do that". I dont know why the mom said. What coukd she have told her mom or did her mom wonder why she keeps mentioning him. 

 

Should I be concerned?????

Edited September 1, 2022 by moonshine78

[Estes]

This is what is known as an emotional affair. She's already in too deep for comfort. The physical is only a matter of time. He's good to go, just waiting for her to come around.

This needs to stop.

ASAP

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, moonshine78 said:

She tried hooking him up with another Co worker but thats not working as she kikes another male colleague.

We were going through a rough patch recently and she wanted to move out and asked him to help her look for a place

Her moving out is far more important than whatever friends she has as coworkers or what they gossip about. That is like focusing on a clogged sink when the house is burning down.

If you are legally separating, you need to consult an attorney. What exactly are the marital issues? Could marriage counseling be an option?

What do you mean by "she tried hooking up with another coworker"?

Edited September 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[BrinnM]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What do you mean by "she tried hooking up with another coworker"?

I think OP meant that his wife tried to play matchmaker between her 61yo colleague & another female coworker. But the other female coworker was interested in a different man, so it didn’t work out.

[moonshine78]

25 minutes ago, Estes said:

This is what is known as an emotional affair. She's already in too deep for comfort. The physical is only a matter of time. He's good to go, just waiting for her to come around.

This needs to stop.

ASAP

Even though she isnt wanting him?  u think it will become physical?

And u think its an EA? Do u think she knows its an EA

[moonshine78]

26 minutes ago, Estes said:

This is what is known as an emotional affair. She's already in too deep for comfort. The physical is only a matter of time. He's good to go, just waiting for her to come around.

This needs to stop.

ASAP

And u dont think he has quit waiting? U thonk he is still thinking he has a chance??? And how after she told him no

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, moonshine78 said:

Even though she isnt wanting him?  u think it will become physical?

I think she is wanting him. 

If things were not good between you and she wanted to move out - and she turned to him for assistance - it sounds to me like she has a closer/better relationship with him than she does with you right now. I’m sorry.

Edited September 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[moonshine78]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I think she is wanting him. 

If things were not good between you and she wanted to move out - and she turned to him for assistance - it sounds to me like she has a closer/better relationship with him than she does with you right now. I’m sorry.

She laughs with him.on phone for 30 min plus. why did she hide for the longest that he gets her b fast daily n then tell me

[basil67]

I think this coworker is only part of the equation.  A bigger question is about the issue(s) in your marriage which caused her to want to move out....and what made her stay?   If she's unhappy at home, it's far more likely she will seek company elsewhere.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, moonshine78 said:

 U thonk he is still thinking he has a chance??

Why is your marriage really in so much trouble that she is considering moving out? You need to focus on this rather than this coworker.

He is Not the cause of your marital demise. he is a symptom. You're using trivia like they had breakfast etc., to ignore bigger issues of marital breakdown. Why?

[moonshine78]

We sat down n decided to work on our issues . I dont mind her having guy friends. I m.concernes about her having JUST ONE FRIEND(SHES A LONER) this guy. 

Then he becomes her confidant

Her to go person.

 

[moonshine78]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why is your marriage really in so much trouble that she is considering moving out? You need to focus on this rather than this coworker.

He is Not the cause of your marital demise. he is a symptom. You're using trivia like they had breakfast etc., to ignore bigger issues of marital breakdown. Why?

We have devided to work on our issues n we are. Step by step. Its a work in progress. 

Im concerned as I shouls be that we cant work on us with him hovering. I have reason to be concerned cause no one wants their spouse this close to a member of the opposite sex. We are working on us and its going good. But their friendship feels like it takes number 1 spot

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, moonshine78 said:

We sat down n decided to work on our issues . Then he becomes her confidant. Her to go person.

How, exactly are you working on it? Marriage therapy? It won't get better especially since she can't really talk to/confide in you. 

[moonshine78]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

How, exactly are you working on it? Marriage therapy? It won't get better especially since she can't really talk to/confide in you. 

therapy n ourselves. Its getring better trust me . 

[moonshine78]

Its like to concentrate on a movie when there is a distraction. 

You will miss out. She talks about him after wirk. In the morning all the time. He said this did that his gf that its constant. 

[moonshine78]

So my questions are

 

1. How can I tell if she likes him?

Shes told him no to his advances but entertains his company and snacks at work and daily breakfast and maintains a friendship with him believing that since she told him no that all is well.

2. How can I find out of there is more? 

Like she says he is too old for her. 17 yrs to be precise. But says he looks good for his age. I saw him n yes he looks good ill admit. 

3. I wont ask how to stop their friendship as the emotional attachment they have for each other will fade away as me and her continue to work on us. 

4. Is texting him on her way to get the shuttle saying I m on the train. And them talking about everything...us and his relationship problems. Them enjoying each others company(30min call one day as inwas there giggling n laughing) and wanting to call him after work to gossip about work. Them eating breakfast daily. Him seeking her at work when he has the latest gossip. Him buying her snacks and lunch. Is this all normal friendship? I m.genuinely asking as I work in a male dominated blie collar field so I dont have female Co workers to eat meals with gossip with talk about our problems with.

[moonshine78]

2 hours ago, BrinnM said:

I think OP meant that his wife tried to play matchmaker between her 61yo colleague & another female coworker. But the other female coworker was interested in a different man, so it didn’t work out.

yes sorry... thays what I meant

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, moonshine78 said:

Is this all normal friendship?

No. I had an older male coworker who I adored. He sat next to me, we would talk about life and families and common interests - but there was always a boundary. He never bought me breakfast, we didn’t text on our days off, we didn’t talk about our relationship problems. etc… there was always a boundary. Your wife has very weak boundaries with this man. If she is serious about working on your relationship, I would ask her to find another job. You can’t really work on the problems in your marriage when she is in a relationship with another man. 

[mark clemson]

It doesn't sound like they are doing anything physical. I don't think there's any realistic way to know FOR SURE whether there is "anything more" without spying on her/them. This might be illegal, depending on local laws in your jurisdiction, so if you even have interest in this (many folks wouldn't, and to be clear, I'm NOT "suggesting it" for you) you'd probably want to ask a lawyer about its legality first.

Whether a situation like this is an EA or a friendship is to some extent a judgment call. As the spouse your view of whether it "counts" or not is pretty important as no one's "boundaries are being crossed over" except yours. (The flip side of that is that if your boundaries are completely unreasonable to her, they are likely to get crossed. But it doesn't sound like that's the case with you.)

IF it bothers you enough, you can IMO reasonably ask that she end or substantially curtail the friendship. As her husband your needs should be prioritized over the friend's. She is welcome to have other friends (to meet her "need" to be social), but you feel this one potentially threatens the marriage, etc, so you ask that she end it. However, it sounds like you're not interested in asking that.

As others have pointed out, it does sound like your marriage has other issues. Is it possible you are focused on the wrong thing? Of course it's easier said than done, but build a really solid "relationship" with her and presumably she will have little interest in cheating. (Reasonable levels of friendship/socializing are not cheating.)

Edited September 2, 2022 by mark clemson

[moonshine78]

We have issues from our past. I wont go to details now.

She said today the gal he likes at work was jealous cause he bought my wife breakfast n not her. And tomorrow he will buy her lunch too. She told him no.

on her walk home from the train she called him too for 10 min. 

I.told her to end it she refused to call him at 9 pm saying its too late. 

I tried initiating intimacy n she brought our past n turned into an argument n kicked me out of the room

[moonshine78]

I m depressed

[moonshine78]

is this just a friendship?????? she wont call him when im there to ejd the friendship she says she will break ot off slowly

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, moonshine78 said:

is this just a friendship??????

No.

6 hours ago, moonshine78 said:

she wont call him when im there to ejd the friendship she says she will break ot off slowly

Tho is what tells you that she is deeply attached to this man. 

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, moonshine78 said:

I tried initiating intimacy n she brought our past n turned into an argument n kicked me out of the room

Ah - there are those in the world who wait for "intimacy time" to start bringing up issues in the relationship. While it's not deliberate, it tends to shut things down, and can be quite damaging to the relationship. "Issues" should be discussed/addressed at other times, not when you should be bonding as a couple. You can try discussing this "philosophy," and the frustration this tendency of hers (I'm going to guess it's not uncommon) is probably creating for you openly with her, if it has been/continues to be a problem.

A marriage counselor might be a good idea, as it can help to have a referee for difficult discussions that sometimes are needed to "work on" a marriage.

Giving up the friendship "slowly" is not completely unreasonable, although it does call into question the precise nature of the "friendship" (as a lot of things about it are). Point out that she is welcome to have other friends instead. It can be tricky with a work colleague - she doesn't want to create a situation where her co-worker resents her at work. That could have been avoided by not having such a strong "friendship" with him in the first place, but what's done is done...

[Lotsgoingon]

OP,  the problem with this marriage has nothing to do with your wife's relationship with this guy. That's merely the symptom.

You two are disconnected and not close. And she wants to move out, even if she retracted that desire for now. 

You would do better to identify the big problems and work on them. It does sound like your wife is having an emotional affair (spouse like intimacy excepting the physical) with this guy. Well, she's clearly not feeling spouse-like intimacy with you. And I'm not blaming you. I'm simply stating the basics here.

Really, you guys needed to get in repair mode much earlier. You didn't have to wait for this nonsense before you took more action to fix things.