Meeting up with ex BF [UPDATE - rekindled and broke up again]

[Confuzze]

We are/were together for a lil over one month. He was awesomely sweet at the beginning, constantly interacting with me from good morning till good night and usually ends with "miss you". His reply would never be longer than 2-3 hrs during the day. Unless he had something to do which will take him 5-7 hrs he would inform me first. In the morning he would inform me if he was busy with work and will reply slower to me.

He would send me "location" whenever he goes to eat, pretty often. He also suggested lets meet more often for lunch (we live quite far apart from each other), all in all his actions proving to me he was slowly but surely proceeding further with me in this relationship. I did not have to feel any doubt, no insecurity.

On Mother's Day, he started acting cold, for no reason, just strange and weird (but we had an argument that week, and I suggested to breakup BUT I called him back the next day to reconcile. After reconcile he was still very loving and also bought me a jewelry gift online). On Mother's Day he read my message prior night saying "i miss you", buthe didn't reply. He also did not say good morning which he did on a daily basis. Until very late in the day of Mother's day he showed me photo of his car after washed and later he just went offline / refused to interact. Long story short ever since then we had many arguments coz I asked why was he acting not the same anymore. I started asking him do you miss me (yes I know I messed up, but I was in fear so i acted desperate) a few times and he refused to say. He got angry and said he does not like to be forced. and he felt that miss or not miss is not necessary to be verbal. (before mother's day he would say he misses me every 3 hrs throughout the day, without me requesting. He willingly said from his heart)

Anyway, the last 20+ days were hell to me. feeling of abandonment. I read forums, articles, etc. I learned that this behavior = he stops liking me. I had to leave to overseas for work so the night before departure he took me to dinner and gave me that jewelry he ordered online (as mentioned above). It was an expensive dinner, he acted normal not cold. But at dinner whenever I tried to get into the topic of why was he giving me cold treatment he would just dodged. So, in my heart i told myself this would be our last date/dinner and his gift will be my memory and I will just exit this relationship when I leave for overseas. i will wear that jewelry during my trip everyday to remember him. I did not tell him my decision but gave him a tight hug and i cried before I went home. I was VERY DETERMINED to leave him. But I failed, when I was flying to overseas, and transiting in different nations he texted me often, making sure my flights were ok,  my trip was ok. He even keyed in all my flight numbers into an app to notify him my status. Shockingly he started saying good morning, i miss ya, i love ya. My heart was so weak/soft I replied him and continued interaction instead of going on a no contact (my plan to leave him). However even he kept in contact, the interaction was still never like before mother's day. Still cold. This went on for 8 days into my trip and he started once again to go COLDER last friday, saturday!! meaning he would not interact with me, but he would send me photos of his road trip over the long weekend public holiday, after 20 hrs of me texting him. No typing any words no how are you, no good morning but only sent me his trip photos.

my emotion was and is so messed up by him and my heart feels so painful, I feel so fatigue I keep getting anxiety attack therefore on May 29th i decided to leave him by not replying anymore. On May 30th he texted he was back home from his trip. I continued to ignore. On May 31st he texted me "how have I been and why am i so quiet" I ignored. He did not continue texting after seeing I have been ignoring him. Please note that I am still in overseas when these happened and am now still overseas typing here in the forum.

June 1st, I was sleeping (overseas timezone) but having anxiety attack coz I am really sad, I miss him I want him but have to leave him due to him not loving me anymore. I woke up in the middle of my sleep, grabbed my phone and saw his text. He sent me location of a hospital and his text says his mom was admitted to ER. Half asleep and having lotsa anxiety the whole night, I replied his text because I am concerned of his mom. we exchanged few messages and my last msg was " sorry to hear, please take care, speedy recovery to your mom". THEN HE REPLIED "thanks baby, will talk to you later".... I ignored this part and i went back to sleep.

When I woke up few hrs later saw his text that his mom admitted to icu, condition worsen, he also sent photo of his mom in the bed with a nurse helping her. So again, I replied him. And he continued to text me that he was having fever 106F, he texted me a photo of him and the thermometer. I replied him to take med, take care, etc. I did NOT include any sweet intimate names throughout this conversation.

Next he sent me photo of a negative covid test. I ignored and I think he went to sleep coz it was night time his time zone). Basically our conversation ended with his photo of the negative covid test

My questions:

(1) He seems to realize I was ignoring him starting May 28, 29, 30, 31. Does it mean he thought about me / still have some feelings for me? (i blocked him from seeing my social media)

(2) Even though he knew I was ignoring him, he informed me about his mom in ER and then ICU and said thanks Baby....what these mean? I am in pain and hella confused.

(3) To be honest with myself and with this forum, my real wish is to be with him but be in the same environment / treatment before mother's day. But I know he has lost feeling for me now...I just want to leave and not be the nuisance, needy GF keeps asking "do u miss me"...so my 3rd question is...what should I do.....I am in pain, have anxiety, and soft hearted..

please help me....

[introverted1]

4 minutes ago, Confuzze said:

we had an argument that week, and I suggested to breakup

I think this may have been the beginning of the end, OP.  When you signal to your partner that your way of handling conflict is to suggest breaking up, it destroys trust and confidence in the relationship.  In your case, it seems to have triggered on/off behavior for both of you. It's unlikely you will ever have a stable relationship with this man, for many reasons.

In any case, you were only together for a month and then had a month of cold/distant behavior,.  Best to make a clean break at this point.

[Confuzze]

5 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I think this may have been the beginning of the end, OP.  When you signal to your partner that your way of handling conflict is to suggest breaking up, it destroys trust and confidence in the relationship.  In your case, it seems to have triggered on/off behavior for both of you. It's unlikely you will ever have a stable relationship with this man, for many reasons.

In any case, you were only together for a month and then had a month of cold/distant behavior,.  Best to make a clean break at this point.

Thank you for your kind reply. I admit, I have bad management of conflicts and only want easy way out or hot headed for a breakup....May I ask why did you say " unlikely you will ever have a stable relationship with this man"?

[JRabbit]

Honestly, he was maybe getting a bit smothered, and instead of being cool and doing your own thing, you smothered him further. Then berated him about how he should miss you.

Someone not texting for hours is not a big deal. He took you to dinner, bought you gifts, did all that stuff while you were away, but instead of see that you chose to see that he only sent you photos instead of texts while he was on his trip?  Then you chose to ignore him when he actually reached out?

Sounds like the end of the relationship was entirely your doing.

[Alvi]

It's only been a month of you dating him. This should be your honeymoon period or so to speak but the two of you have many arguments, insecurities, tons of confusion, a break up,  a make up, he buys you a jewelry (WHAT?). Don't you think this is too much for a new relationship? It doesn't even matter whether this is his fault or your fault. At the end of a day, this new relationship is giving you anxiety and tons of confusion. Too much, way too much for only a month or so of dating. The two of you are probably not that compatible in a long run but both of you probably enjoy on-off, hot-cold rollercoaster type of a relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Confuzze said:

We are/were together for a lil over one month. He was awesomely sweet at the beginning, constantly interacting with me from good morning till good night and usually ends with "miss you".

we live quite far apart from each other. he was still very loving and also bought me a jewelry gift online. I had to leave to overseas for work so the night before departure he took me to dinner and gave me that jewelry he ordered online

On May 31st he texted me "how have I been and why am i so quiet" I ignored.

When I woke up few hrs later saw his text that his mom admitted to icu, condition worsen, he also sent photo of his mom in the bed with a nurse helping her.

You've only known each other ~30 days and already there is too much drama and too many red flags. Why are you long distance? How often have you seen each other in person? Why carry on a text relationship but then keep "ignoring him"? Doesn't that seem like games to you?

Have a conversation in person, then decide if all this distance and conflict and games is what you want.

[Confuzze]

16 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

Honestly, he was maybe getting a bit smothered, and instead of being cool and doing your own thing, you smothered him further. Then berated him about how he should miss you.

Someone not texting for hours is not a big deal. He took you to dinner, bought you gifts, did all that stuff while you were away, but instead of see that you chose to see that he only sent you photos instead of texts while he was on his trip?  Then you chose to ignore him when he actually reached out?

Sounds like the end of the relationship was entirely your doing.

I just did not understand why the sudden 180 change (started on Mother's day sunday)...i could feel he was pulling away....

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Confuzze said:

I just did not understand why the sudden 180 change (started on Mother's day sunday)...i could feel he was pulling away....

Are you exclusive or both still talking to and meeting local single available people? It's an exhausting amount of drama, add to that the distance and it's hard for this to work out.

[Confuzze]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you exclusive or both still talking to and meeting local single available people? It's an exhausting amount of drama, add to that the distance and it's hard for this to work out.

we are not long-distance. we live far from each other like 40 miles a way. But now I am in overseas for work for short while only. we are exclusive bfgf. yes lotsa drama and anxiety. I did not understand why he suddenly turned 180 and be cold to me starting that mother's day sunday and that triggered me to act desperate

[Alvi]

5 minutes ago, Confuzze said:

I just did not understand why the sudden 180 change (started on Mother's day sunday)...i could feel he was pulling away....

According to your first post, the two of you had an argument prior to the Mother's day. You broke thigs off with him for a day. That's when things started to change. The honeymoon period ended for him. And to be fair, you started to see the real him as well.

But yeah, are you even exclusive at this point? 

In any case, you have to realize that not every relationship is meant to last forever. Some people come and go from your life. That's just the way it is.

[JRabbit]

10 minutes ago, Confuzze said:

I just did not understand why the sudden 180 change (started on Mother's day sunday)...i could feel he was pulling away....

Could you though, or was it in your head? Because other times you thought this, he was then showing his interest.

I think you rely and base too much off of texting. Why not cool the texting, and change to phone calls and in person meetings. Texting is creating way too much anxiety for you, or maybe you aren't ready to date.  You are policing his every minute, his every text and creating stories in your mind about how he feels based on not receiving a text message.

[Confuzze]

7 minutes ago, Alvi said:

According to your first post, the two of you had an argument prior to the Mother's day. You broke thigs off with him for a day. That's when things started to change. The honeymoon period ended for him. And to be fair, you started to see the real him as well.

But yeah, are you even exclusive at this point? 

In any case, you have to realize that not every relationship is meant to last forever. Some people come and go from your life. That's just the way it is.

yea we are exclusive bf gf (at least that was what he told me)...yea i started to see the real him (not all yet) especially his bad temper...quite hot

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, Confuzze said:

I just did not understand why the sudden 180 change (started on Mother's day sunday)...i could feel he was pulling away....

So what?  Maybe he was tired, had a bad day, maybe he was busy, maybe he needed a bit of room to breathe. 

Do you honestly expect a man to behave the same exact way, giving you attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? OK that's an exaggeration but you know what I mean.

I'm sorry that is simply not sustainable. 

I agree that he most likely felt suffocated.  He even told you he doesn't like being "forced," which even if that wasn't your intention,  that's how he felt. 

That was your cue to back off, leave him be and do your own thing. 

Learn to leave men alone sometimes.  Don't hassle them if they need a time out or room to breathe.  It's normal. 

Learn to contain your anxiety and adapt to all the changing nuances that occur in early stages while moving closer to each other emotionally and intimately. 

Hot/cold, push/pull get a bad rap imo.  It's called ebb and flow and it's normal especially in early stages. 

One simply cannot expect their bf/gf to give them the same level of attention at all times, every day.  

Again it's not sustainable and it's an unrealistic expectation.

I'm sorry. 

Edited June 2, 2022 by poppyfields

[Confuzze]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So what?  Maybe he was tired, had a bad day, maybe he was busy, maybe he needed a bit of room to breathe. 

Do you honestly expect a man to behave the same exact way, giving you attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? OK that's an exaggeration but you know what I mean.

I'm sorry that is simply not sustainable. 

I agree that he most likely felt suffocated.  He even told you he doesn't like being forced, which even if that wasn't your intention,  thats how he felt. 

Learn to leave men alone sometimes.  Don't hassle them if they need a time out or room to breathe.  Simply do your own thing 

Learn to contain your anxiety and become flexible to all the changing nuances that occur in early stages while moving closer to each other emotionally.

Hot/cold, push/pull get a bad rap imo.  It's called ebb and flow.

One simply cannot expect their bf/gf to be giving them the same level of attention at all times, every day.  

Again it's not sustainable and it's an unrealistic expectation.

I'm sorry. 

Thanks... so can I ask, do you think he still care bout me after all things transpired (coz he informed me his mom in ER, etc. after noticing I ignored him / quiet a few days)

[poppyfields]

Just now, Confuzze said:

Thanks... so can I ask, do you think he still care bout me after all things transpired (coz he informed me his mom in ER, etc. after noticing I ignored him / quiet a few days)

I have no idea.

These very early stages are so fragile.  With so much drama happening within such a short time (only 30 days) before you've had a chance to truly bond, he may be gone for good.

All you can do is go no contact, leave him alone, hope he misses you and if he reaches out and wants see you, start over and this time, try to contain your anxiety, understand that at times there will be some "pulling back" then moving closer again. 

It's all part of the process of coming together. 

Good luck. 

[LynneVicious]

One thing I’m seeing is absolutely no communication. You explain here in detail your feelings but never spoke if you discussed anything with him. He can’t read minds so he has no idea what you’re thinking. And the whole “I’ll ignore him because he’s ignoring me” is games that will go nowhere. 

Whybdont you at least speak with him to clear the air? 

[poppyfields]

Sure OP you can try talking to him but from what you've written that's what started this mess.

Things were moving fast, he pulled back, needed to take a breath, you felt abandoned and began asking questions seeking reassurance

He then felt pressured and forced, he expressed that to you and your response was to push harder.  Then when he did reach our, you ignored him as punishment. 

In my experience, men do not respond well to "talks" especially after only 30 days.

They respond when you leave them alone. 

 

Edited June 2, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

You sensed he was pulling away around Mother's Day and then pre-emptively ended the relationship. When you tried to discuss it with him he dismissed you at dinner. That would have been his opportunity to hear you and make that time meaningful and for you to acknowledge your mistake being too rash.

The communication is very poor and while 40 m. isn't so far, what else do you know about this man? 

He seems interested but you are frustrated with him. That may be entirely valid. 

I do think the texting might have gone overboard and it gave a false sense of intimacy. Build intimacy in person, focus on this in the future. Terms of endearment, "baby", are pleasant words. They don't say anything about the foundation or true backbone of a relationship with potential. This means good communication, shared goals/outlook/values, compatible natures and so on. This takes time. 

And please do not resort to ignoring someone in order to get them to miss you. This is extremely manipulative. I understand you're angry and hurt. You let someone go when you choose no contact or to prevent yourself from further pain, and to heal, not to draw someone closer to you. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Confuzze said:

He was awesomely sweet at the beginning, constantly interacting with me from good morning till good night and usually ends with "miss you". His reply would never be longer than 2-3 hrs during the day. Unless he had something to do which will take him 5-7 hrs he would inform me first. In the morning he would inform me if he was busy with work and will reply slower to me.

He would send me "location" whenever he goes to eat, pretty often.

All of this is usually not sustainable in the long-term, OP, and I am generally wary of people who come so stong at the beginning. It sets an unrealistic expectation for communication after the honeymoon phase wears off, and people like this tend to fade out just as quickly as they ignited in the beginning. 

2 hours ago, Confuzze said:

before mother's day he would say he misses me every 3 hrs throughout the day, without me requesting.

Again, this is a bit much for a guy you've just started dating. 

2 hours ago, Confuzze said:

but we had an argument that week, and I suggested to breakup

But this was the turning point. It is never a good idea to act on impulse when you don't really mean what you're saying. 

2 hours ago, Confuzze said:

We are/were together for a lil over one month.

And this is serious drama for a guy you've dated a few weeks. It's the sign that things are not going to work out. You two should be enjoying the thrill of getting to know each other and instead there are fights and push-pull/ignore/blocking games. Even if you two do try to resume, I don't see this lasting.

[Amanda92]

It seems to be toxic to break up just because of the first argument... and now you can't believe why did he step back.

Now when his mom is in a hospital, he needs you as a friend. No matter if he feels anything or not, he needs a friend and you still play games and avoid him... Do you even care?

[Confuzze]

33 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

It seems to be toxic to break up just because of the first argument... and now you can't believe why did he step back.

Now when his mom is in a hospital, he needs you as a friend. No matter if he feels anything or not, he needs a friend and you still play games and avoid him... Do you even care?

I immediately texted him after seeing him informing me his mom was in the ER. I ignored him was for the long weekend trip he took. I said " speedy recovery to your mom", he replied thank you baby...

[Confuzze]

38 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All of this is usually not sustainable in the long-term, OP, and I am generally wary of people who come so stong at the beginning. It sets an unrealistic expectation for communication after the honeymoon phase wears off, and people like this tend to fade out just as quickly as they ignited in the beginning. 

Again, this is a bit much for a guy you've just started dating. 

But this was the turning point. It is never a good idea to act on impulse when you don't really mean what you're saying. 

And this is serious drama for a guy you've dated a few weeks. It's the sign that things are not going to work out. You two should be enjoying the thrill of getting to know each other and instead there are fights and push-pull/ignore/blocking games. Even if you two do try to resume, I don't see this lasting.

I truly agree with you and thanks for helping me to see clearer. that is why when i typed "ignored his messages" because I wanna go on no contact coz i want to leave for good coz i cannot bear the pain anymore. i know i am longing for the period before mother's day sunday...which I think will never come back. i only replied because I saw him telling me his mom admitted to the ER so I was very concerned and I texted him...I miss him, i really do. i want to be with him but i know....i have to leave...

[Confuzze]

1 hour ago, glows said:

You sensed he was pulling away around Mother's Day and then pre-emptively ended the relationship. When you tried to discuss it with him he dismissed you at dinner. That would have been his opportunity to hear you and make that time meaningful and for you to acknowledge your mistake being too rash.

The communication is very poor and while 40 m. isn't so far, what else do you know about this man? 

He seems interested but you are frustrated with him. That may be entirely valid. 

I do think the texting might have gone overboard and it gave a false sense of intimacy. Build intimacy in person, focus on this in the future. Terms of endearment, "baby", are pleasant words. They don't say anything about the foundation or true backbone of a relationship with potential. This means good communication, shared goals/outlook/values, compatible natures and so on. This takes time. 

And please do not resort to ignoring someone in order to get them to miss you. This is extremely manipulative. I understand you're angry and hurt. You let someone go when you choose no contact or to prevent yourself from further pain, and to heal, not to draw someone closer to you. 

 

Thanks for the advice. when i typed "ignored his messages" because I wanna go on no contact coz i want to leave for good coz i cannot bear the pain anymore. i know i am longing for the period before mother's day sunday...which I think will never come back. i only replied because I saw him telling me his mom admitted to the ER so I was very concerned and I texted him...I miss him, i really do. i want to be with him, i really want to but i know....i have to leave because we r hurting each other...

[glows]

15 minutes ago, Confuzze said:

Thanks for the advice. when i typed "ignored his messages" because I wanna go on no contact coz i want to leave for good coz i cannot bear the pain anymore. i know i am longing for the period before mother's day sunday...which I think will never come back. i only replied because I saw him telling me his mom admitted to the ER so I was very concerned and I texted him...I miss him, i really do. i want to be with him, i really want to but i know....i have to leave because we r hurting each other...

To your credit, OP, you have been more or less steady in the decision to break up or put this behind you. It was his messages after the fact that seemed to confuse you. If you do go your separate ways, think about what you need in a long term relationship. Sometimes we get too caught up in what the other person is doing or hurt over circumstances we can't change. 

That's also why I asked what else do you know about this man? You could be in love with the idea of a relationship, not necessarily him as a person. 

[Confuzze]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

To your credit, OP, you have been more or less steady in the decision to break up or put this behind you. It was his messages after the fact that seemed to confuse you. If you do go your separate ways, think about what you need in a long term relationship. Sometimes we get too caught up in what the other person is doing or hurt over circumstances we can't change. 

That's also why I asked what else do you know about this man? You could be in love with the idea of a relationship, not necessarily him as a person. 

we met 15 yrs ago, he asked me out once and never pursued further coz he had a wrong impression of me being a wealthy gal while he was making lil money back then. he told me this year when he started reaching out, out of the blue. we have been on FB acquaintance and he told me he has been following me on FB for 15 yrs... i really want to be with him but if he is gona blow hot/cold air at me...it is better i leave for good. i think the sweet period won't ever return and yes I know i said breakup may have biggest impact onto why he suddenly distanced....i cannot undone that mistake...........