Wiseman2 Posted June 2, 2022 Share Posted June 2, 2022 3 hours ago, Confuzze said: On Mother's Day, he started acting cold, but we had an argument that week, and I suggested to breakup May 29th i decided to leave him by not replying anymore. I continued to ignore. On May 31st he texted me "how have I been and why am i so quiet" I ignored. He did not continue texting after seeing I have been ignoring him. Why did you breakup with him after such a short time dating, then go back and try to undo that? What went wrong then? You broke up with him so that explains the "180". You also decided to "ignore him" repeatedly. It's 30 days dating and too much work and arguing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confuzze Posted June 2, 2022 Author Share Posted June 2, 2022 the initial breakup was coz i found that he has hot temper and said hurtful things to me, not caring my feeling so i don't want to continue to be his GF. however, i was soft heart and weak...stupid me, called him the next day to reconcile. i ignored him these days coz i tried using no contact to leave this relationship and stop my heart from bleeding. after mother's day he has been giving me mixed messages, sometimes cold sometimes warm...it's so painful but i dont have guts to say again lets part way.... Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 2, 2022 Share Posted June 2, 2022 4 hours ago, Confuzze said: We are/were together for a lil over one month. Anyway, the last 20+ days were hell to me. feeling of abandonment. unless i'm misunderstanding...you dated for a month, and 20+ days of the month you were miserable? you pre-emptively dumped him, then called and changed your mind, then in your head at your last dinner you dumped him and never told him and have just ignored him and you don't know why he doesn't understand you are broken up? you never told him. sorry to say...you're the one being hot and cold here. if you want to be with him, start communicating and working on your issues. he can't read your mind. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 2, 2022 Share Posted June 2, 2022 Just now, Confuzze said: the initial breakup was coz i found that he has hot temper and said hurtful things to me Then you made the right call ending it and should have deleted and blocked him at that moment from all your social media and messaging apps. Do not date jerks, it's that simple. If someone is rude or mean you end it there and then. Allowing bad behavior is not "a soft heart" is the road to bad situations. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 2, 2022 Share Posted June 2, 2022 10 minutes ago, Confuzze said: we met 15 yrs ago, he asked me out once and never pursued further coz he had a wrong impression of me being a wealthy gal while he was making lil money back then. he told me this year when he started reaching out, out of the blue. we have been on FB acquaintance and he told me he has been following me on FB for 15 yrs... i really want to be with him but if he is gona blow hot/cold air at me...it is better i leave for good. i think the sweet period won't ever return and yes I know i said breakup may have biggest impact onto why he suddenly distanced....i cannot undone that mistake........... If you want to be with him then why are you pulling away? Why break up or block him on social media? Are you afraid to get hurt again or recently out of another relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted June 2, 2022 Share Posted June 2, 2022 1 hour ago, Confuzze said: the initial breakup was coz i found that he has hot temper and said hurtful things to me.... This is quite different from him simply "pulling back." After only 30 days, 20 of which you've been unhappy, consider this a blessing, there is nothing good or positive here from what I have read. Block, delete and move on. Again, I'm sorry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted June 2, 2022 Share Posted June 2, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Confuzze said: found that he has hot temper and said hurtful things to me, What hurtful things? But anyway: As this episode happened very early in the relationship, you were right to withdraw. Nobody wants to be talked down to, or be treated disrespectfully. It was probably the right choice to break up. The way you describe this man - how he has a bad temper and says hurtful things, and who is at the same time constantly in touch by text message, and keeps tabs on you, etc. (“checking in” for no apparent reason, telling you where he goes to lunch and announcing he won’t be able to text for the next few hours etc.) - makes me suspicious, personally. I hate to make blanket statements, and that’s why I’m asking what exactly he said and/or did that was hurtful. But generally speaking, that combination of traits that he shows in the beginning (constantly following up, constant communication, buying jewelry and expensive dinners and so on & simultaneously doing/saying hurtful things and “having a temper”) reminds me very strongly of a man who is controlling. Just my 2 cents. I also understand that this behavior pattern (intense pursuit/hot-cold/pulling away/getting close again/reaching out/going silent) can be addictive. You’re always in limbo, and your subconscious wants to figure out what’s going on and how to reach stability one way or another, which keeps you from letting go. Edited June 2, 2022 by BrinnM Link to post Share on other sites
deepthinking Posted June 3, 2022 Share Posted June 3, 2022 (edited) You seem to think texting is real conversation. But it is a variant only. Maybe, like me sometimes, he got fed up of tapping out one letter at a time in order to respond, so he texted you photos which is easier to do. You have only known him a month. Maybe he never did like texting and we are only just finding that out now. I would not use texts to discuss/express love. Just my two cents. Edited June 3, 2022 by deepthinking Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confuzze Posted June 3, 2022 Author Share Posted June 3, 2022 5 hours ago, BrinnM said: What hurtful things? But anyway: As this episode happened very early in the relationship, you were right to withdraw. Nobody wants to be talked down to, or be treated disrespectfully. It was probably the right choice to break up. The way you describe this man - how he has a bad temper and says hurtful things, and who is at the same time constantly in touch by text message, and keeps tabs on you, etc. (“checking in” for no apparent reason, telling you where he goes to lunch and announcing he won’t be able to text for the next few hours etc.) - makes me suspicious, personally. I hate to make blanket statements, and that’s why I’m asking what exactly he said and/or did that was hurtful. But generally speaking, that combination of traits that he shows in the beginning (constantly following up, constant communication, buying jewelry and expensive dinners and so on & simultaneously doing/saying hurtful things and “having a temper”) reminds me very strongly of a man who is controlling. Just my 2 cents. I also understand that this behavior pattern (intense pursuit/hot-cold/pulling away/getting close again/reaching out/going silent) can be addictive. You’re always in limbo, and your subconscious wants to figure out what’s going on and how to reach stability one way or another, which keeps you from letting go. Wow, what you wrote validates my subconscious thoughts and my actions. So the chase was one month, then we became exclusive bfgf for a duration about one month but yes 20 days out of that one month of being bfgf there were dramas. The first time i verbally told him breakup coz few days prior to that we had argument, I wanna solve via a phone call but he always want texting, eventually got on the phone and he very bad temper, scolded me and said hurtful things out of bad temper to me to "win the quarrel". I noticed he likes to "win" always. I felt disrespected so wanna end it BUT I am a looser coz the next day i called him and reconcile (however, i realized he did not actually see my request to breakup is a breakup. he took it as a huge fight.) The day i called him to reconcile was friday. saturday we both still very loving, he still constantly texting me he misses me, loves me. sundy which was mother's day was the day it went 180...ignoring my texts. my question here (for my own satisfaction and closure purpose) is do you guys/you think he still have feelings for me now (1) he realized i have not been interacting with him since the long weekend when he went for a trip and he was ignoring my text (2) he informed me about his mom's in ER (and he still has been keeping me posted about his mom's progress the last 48 hrs). (3) he said thank you baby when i typed "speedy rcovery to your mother"..... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 3, 2022 Share Posted June 3, 2022 (edited) 58 minutes ago, Confuzze said: my question here (for my own satisfaction and closure purpose) is do you guys/you think he still have feelings for me now (1) he realized i have not been interacting with him since the long weekend when he went for a trip and he was ignoring my text (2) he informed me about his mom's in ER (and he still has been keeping me posted about his mom's progress the last 48 hrs). (3) he said thank you baby when i typed "speedy rcovery to your mother"..... "Feelings" can cover a vast spectrum. I would say that he's likely feeling relieved that you no longer bother him with texts and arguments and thinks that you'll be OK with him verbally abusing you again. In short, his feelings are that he's won this fight with you. Edited June 3, 2022 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confuzze Posted June 3, 2022 Author Share Posted June 3, 2022 12 hours ago, glows said: If you want to be with him then why are you pulling away? Why break up or block him on social media? Are you afraid to get hurt again or recently out of another relationship? the initial breakup was coz i found that he has hot temper and said hurtful things to me, not caring my feeling so i don't want to continue to be his GF. however, i was soft heart and weak...stupid me, called him the next day to reconcile. i ignored him these days coz i tried using no contact to leave this relationship and stop my heart from bleeding. after mother's day he has been giving me mixed messages, sometimes cold sometimes warm...it's so painful but i dont have guts to say again lets part way.... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 3, 2022 Share Posted June 3, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Confuzze said: Does it mean he still have feelings and likes me when he notices I went NC? Why did you rewrite this entire post again? No contact is not a game to make him like you,pay attention to you or make a point. End it diplomatically and finally. Tell him you're not compatible. Then delete and block him. My advice about ending it in a mature, honest way, then blocking him is the same: Edited June 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator threads merged - removed link 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confuzze Posted June 3, 2022 Author Share Posted June 3, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Why did you rewrite this entire post again? Don't play games like"NC" . No contact is not a game to make him like you,pay attention to you or make a point. End it diplomatically and finally. Tell him you're not compatible. Then delete and block him. My advice about ending it in a mature way,then blocking him is the same. [ ] wanted to get perspective from "breakup" group. Not using nc to play game but im lost, to breakup or not to breakup. and wanna know whether he still feelings for me.... Edited June 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator threads merged - removed link Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 3, 2022 Share Posted June 3, 2022 OP, we can read what you have posted previously in the thread, so there's no need to repeat yourself by copying and pasting the same posts. The bottom line is that none of this is normal in a new relationship. You two are fuelled by emotions and drama, it seems. If he has a hot temper, you are better off without him. Have you dated much before? I am wondering if you simply don't have a frame of reference to realize how dysfunctional this all is. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 3, 2022 Share Posted June 3, 2022 13 minutes ago, Confuzze said: the initial breakup was coz i found that he has hot temper and said hurtful things to me, not caring my feeling so i don't want to continue to be his GF. however, i was soft heart and weak...stupid me, called him the next day to reconcile. i ignored him these days coz i tried using no contact to leave this relationship and stop my heart from bleeding. after mother's day he has been giving me mixed messages, sometimes cold sometimes warm...it's so painful but i dont have guts to say again lets part way.... I can see it's disappointing but you'll have to do what's best for yourself. Keep it simple and let him know you're not a match and you don't wish to stay in contact. This is part of maturing and being respectful of someone even if it's difficult. It's also being clear in your decision and your boundaries not to stay in contact and move on. You may have known him for 15 years or were acquaintances over Facebook but that doesn't mean you knew the man enough to spend your life with him or even date him. You tried and discovered he wasn't what you expected. If he mistreated you and has a temper and you know he's not the one for you then let go. No one ever said the right thing to do for yourself (whatever you choose) would be easy. Do it anyway and learn from this experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 3, 2022 Share Posted June 3, 2022 Just now, Confuzze said: ,to breakup or not to breakup. and wanna know whether he still feelings for me.. It's up to you to break up. He treats you poorly. You don't even like him and treat him poorly also. Fighting, breaking up as a game, no contact as a game, etc. Stop and reflect why you would even want all this drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confuzze Posted June 3, 2022 Author Share Posted June 3, 2022 3 minutes ago, glows said: I can see it's disappointing but you'll have to do what's best for yourself. Keep it simple and let him know you're not a match and you don't wish to stay in contact. This is part of maturing and being respectful of someone even if it's difficult. It's also being clear in your decision and your boundaries not to stay in contact and move on. You may have known him for 15 years or were acquaintances over Facebook but that doesn't mean you knew the man enough to spend your life with him or even date him. You tried and discovered he wasn't what you expected. If he mistreated you and has a temper and you know he's not the one for you then let go. No one ever said the right thing to do for yourself (whatever you choose) would be easy. Do it anyway and learn from this experience. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 3, 2022 Share Posted June 3, 2022 I'm sure he has feelings for you but it's dysfunctional, toxic, maybe even abusive if he mistreats you or talks down to you or belittles you. If you have a history of choosing rude and disrespectful people like this in your life or haven't known any better or seen this all your life, you may be drawn to it and seeking his approval. The reality is it doesn't matter what he thinks or feels if he doesn't treat you right. You can shut the door on that and walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 3, 2022 Share Posted June 3, 2022 2 minutes ago, Confuzze said: thanks Welcome. Give this time to pass and forget this man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confuzze Posted June 3, 2022 Author Share Posted June 3, 2022 6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: OP, we can read what you have posted previously in the thread, so there's no need to repeat yourself by copying and pasting the same posts. The bottom line is that none of this is normal in a new relationship. You two are fuelled by emotions and drama, it seems. If he has a hot temper, you are better off without him. Have you dated much before? I am wondering if you simply don't have a frame of reference to realize how dysfunctional this all is. Thanks. I know I have problem of letting go even in the past...you are right..we should not have these ordeals during honeymoon period....im so confused... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confuzze Posted June 3, 2022 Author Share Posted June 3, 2022 13 hours ago, glows said: If you want to be with him then why are you pulling away? Why break up or block him on social media? Are you afraid to get hurt again or recently out of another relationship? I do have one question, yes I will go NC (i had until he gave me the news about his mom admitted to er). I will force myself to move on but darn tough...very depressed and sad now. My question is, should I reply cordially when he texts me about his mom? He has been doing so the last 48 hrs and my reply had been cordial (no saying baby, miss u etc to him). I feel bad if i dont reply about his mom, he gave me a piece of jewelry before I left for my biz trip to overseas (not super expensive) and it meant alot to me. I feel bad if i just take his gift and ignore him when his mom is so ill Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 3, 2022 Share Posted June 3, 2022 1 minute ago, Confuzze said: . I feel bad if i just take his gift and ignore him when his mom is so ill Then be polite and kind. Say sorry about your mother. Then tell him that you are not compatible and end it kindly and diplomatically. Right now you using NC as a game and being rude. What are you hoping with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confuzze Posted June 3, 2022 Author Share Posted June 3, 2022 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Then be polite and kind. Say sorry about your mother. Then tell him that you are not compatible and end it kindly and diplomatically. Right now you using NC as a game and being rude. What are you hoping with that? The first time I did it verbally and in person, i ended up called the next day and reconciled. I am very weak minded. im not using nc as game Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 3, 2022 Share Posted June 3, 2022 1 minute ago, Confuzze said: The first time I did it verbally and in person, i ended up called the next day and reconciled. You keep breaking up with him, then go no contact etc. You are playing games. Breakup/makeup games. No contact games, etc. What exactly would you like to see happening with this man? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 3, 2022 Share Posted June 3, 2022 (edited) 58 minutes ago, Confuzze said: I do have one question, yes I will go NC (i had until he gave me the news about his mom admitted to er). I will force myself to move on but darn tough...very depressed and sad now. My question is, should I reply cordially when he texts me about his mom? He has been doing so the last 48 hrs and my reply had been cordial (no saying baby, miss u etc to him). I feel bad if i dont reply about his mom, he gave me a piece of jewelry before I left for my biz trip to overseas (not super expensive) and it meant alot to me. I feel bad if i just take his gift and ignore him when his mom is so ill If you are planning on accepting messages about his mom and wondering how to reply, then you are not in NC. No Contact means not receiving or replying to messages - and if the other person is likely to message you, then you need to block them. Kindly, you were only together a month before things went south so I don't know why you need updates on his mother's health. If you go NC with him, then his mother is also gone from your life. There is no need to worry about her - she is no longer any of your concern. Though I can't help but wonder if you being available to get "news" of his mother is about trying to stay in contact with him. And in all honesty, if he wanted to to be there for him, he would never have abused you. Why did the inexpensive token of jewelry mean a lot to you? It's probably just what he does each time his temper takes over and he abuses a woman. I'm sure you're not the first woman he's bought a gift for after being a pig Edited June 3, 2022 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
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