Meeting up with ex BF [UPDATE - rekindled and broke up again]

[Amanda92]

Stop playing games and going NC. If you are in a relationship and you want to break up - you tell him about that! Don't ghost someone who you called your boyfriend and just talk.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Confuzze said:

I will go NC (i had until he gave me the news about his mom admitted to er). I will force myself to move on but darn tough...very depressed and sad now.

Why are you sad and depressed - you’ve dated this man for a month? Surely, you are a little over-invested if you find yourself depressed when the relationship ends. At this stage, you should still be having fun while you get to know the man and decide whether this is a man you want to date.

And, this is not the relationship for you if it has this much breakup and makeup drama after only a month. 

Just tell the man that it’s not working for you and wish him well. Then, don’t respond to any texts/block him. And really think about this experience - you have a lot of maturing to do before you are ready for a real relationship. 

Edited June 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[introverted1]

On 6/2/2022 at 10:36 AM, Confuzze said:

Thank you for your kind reply. I admit, I have bad management of conflicts and only want easy way out or hot headed for a breakup....May I ask why did you say " unlikely you will ever have a stable relationship with this man"?

Because anything with this much drama/confusion/anger/hurt/etc. is neither healthy nor stable.

To be honest, it seems that both you and this man have some growing to do so you can find healthy and respectful ways of interacting with a partner. 

Since you're the one posting and we have only your version of events to go by, the advice is directed at you:  rather than obsessing over what he said or did (or didn't say/do), take some time to regroup and think about what you want from a partner and what you can offer as a partner.  Ideally, the same qualities should exist on both sides of the equation.

Good luck.

Edited June 3, 2022 by introverted1

[glows]

8 hours ago, Confuzze said:

I do have one question, yes I will go NC (i had until he gave me the news about his mom admitted to er). I will force myself to move on but darn tough...very depressed and sad now. My question is, should I reply cordially when he texts me about his mom? He has been doing so the last 48 hrs and my reply had been cordial (no saying baby, miss u etc to him). I feel bad if i dont reply about his mom, he gave me a piece of jewelry before I left for my biz trip to overseas (not super expensive) and it meant alot to me. I feel bad if i just take his gift and ignore him when his mom is so ill

It's more important that you clarify that this isn't for you and you don't want to pursue this any further. Most people will take the hint and stop sending you updates about what's happening in their life including their family updates. Also wish him well and ask that you go your separate ways. I think it's critical you do this because it cuts the other person loose also and clarifies that he's free to date another person. 

Not replying at that point will then be appropriate as you've just indicated that it's over and he will need to find support or other means through some place else. You're not his support system. 

If you are the one needing support during a difficult time or feeling lonely, please make sure you are seeking the support from appropriate avenues also. Hanging onto people like this or feeling guilty or stalling is suggesting to me that you may need support and it's not going to be this man.

[poppyfields]

My advice is seek professional help to determine why THIS much angst, hurt, anger, depression, pain all within 30 days of dating. 

Nevermind HIM, let him figure himself out..

This is not meant as an insult I promise, but your reaction is not "normal," it's over-dramatic and histrionic. 

Again, please seek professional help and good luck.

Edited June 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, Confuzze said:

I feel bad if i just take his gift and ignore him when his mom is so ill

Return the gift. And, simply tell him that you have thought about it and decided that this relationship isn’t what you want for yourself.

Of course, it’s not the best time because his mother is ill. But, you’ve dated him for a month - he will deal with it. I’m sure he has friends and family members that he can lean on now. 

Whatever you do, don’t tell the guy that you want to end the relationship and then change your mind. You may say that you are indecisive but that is a very immature and unkind thing thing to do. Be decisive and have the courage to tell him if you decide to end the relationship - don’t ghost him. 

Edited June 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[flitzanu]

10 hours ago, Confuzze said:

I do have one question, yes I will go NC (i had until he gave me the news about his mom admitted to er). I will force myself to move on but darn tough...very depressed and sad now. My question is, should I reply cordially when he texts me about his mom? He has been doing so the last 48 hrs and my reply had been cordial (no saying baby, miss u etc to him). I feel bad if i dont reply about his mom, he gave me a piece of jewelry before I left for my biz trip to overseas (not super expensive) and it meant alot to me. I feel bad if i just take his gift and ignore him when his mom is so ill

if you feel guilty, return his gift, wish him well, wish his mother well, and tell him you're ending it.

you're not in "no contact" if you keep talking to him, regardless of if it is about him or his mom.

either you want this or you don't, that's your decision and you will have to eventually make a choice, otherwise this will go on forever.

[Confuzze]

13 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Because anything with this much drama/confusion/anger/hurt/etc. is neither healthy nor stable.

To be honest, it seems that both you and this man have some growing to do so you can find healthy and respectful ways of interacting with a partner. 

Since you're the one posting and we have only your version of events to go by, the advice is directed at you:  rather than obsessing over what he said or did (or didn't say/do), take some time to regroup and think about what you want from a partner and what you can offer as a partner.  Ideally, the same qualities should exist on both sides of the equation.

Good luck.

Hello, I am very sad and hope I can get some refuge here. Yes I appreciate your honesty, I know it is dysfunctional and dramatic. I am in overseas still for business trip. I continued working on NC. Today, i saw my bf posted status "we'll be ok" on the chat platform he uses to communicate with me since day 1. clearly that post was regarding his mom being in ER and himself has been having high fever on-off-on-off.

Is it me? am i thinking too much? or is it fact...i felt that post was to get my attention coz i was on NC (after i brokme NC and replied whatever he typed about his mom's ICU 2-3 days ago)...Reason being, I know for fact he does not post stuff like "i am sad, we'll be ok" on chat platform or FB. He only posts photos of food,car online.

I feel he is playing mind games with me he knows i am too weak. he knows i care.

so i actually broke NC today and wrote "what is your moms status in ICU"

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, have you had a boyfriend before? 

[Confuzze]

40 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, have you had a boyfriend before? 

yes a few but yes most of the relationships were not good

[Confuzze]

14 hours ago, glows said:

It's more important that you clarify that this isn't for you and you don't want to pursue this any further. Most people will take the hint and stop sending you updates about what's happening in their life including their family updates. Also wish him well and ask that you go your separate ways. I think it's critical you do this because it cuts the other person loose also and clarifies that he's free to date another person. 

Not replying at that point will then be appropriate as you've just indicated that it's over and he will need to find support or other means through some place else. You're not his support system. 

If you are the one needing support during a difficult time or feeling lonely, please make sure you are seeking the support from appropriate avenues also. Hanging onto people like this or feeling guilty or stalling is suggesting to me that you may need support and it's not going to be this man.

Hello, I am very sad and hope I can get some refuge here. Yes I appreciate your honesty, I know it is dysfunctional and dramatic. I am in overseas still for business trip. I continued working on NC. Today, i saw my bf posted status "we'll be ok" on the chat platform he uses to communicate with me since day 1. clearly that post was regarding his mom being in ER and himself has been having high fever on-off-on-off.

Is it me? am i thinking too much? or is it fact...i felt that post was to get my attention coz i was on NC (after i brokme NC and replied whatever he typed about his mom's ICU 2-3 days ago)...Reason being, I know for fact he does not post stuff like "i am sad, we'll be ok" on chat platform or FB. He only posts photos of food,car online.

I feel he is playing mind games with me he knows i am too weak. he knows i care.

so i actually broke NC today and wrote "what is your moms status in ICU"

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Confuzze said:

yes a few but yes most of the relationships were not good

Then perhaps it's time to take a break and sort out your own emotions, too. 

If this is a pattern, you need to examine your filters when choosing men and how your own behaviour contributes to your misery. None of this is normal for a such a short-lived relationship. You're getting over-involved and over-invested and your emotions are steering the ship. This isn't the way to find happiness. 

Do you mind if I ask how old you and he are? 

[Confuzze]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then perhaps it's time to take a break and sort out your own emotions, too. 

If this is a pattern, you need to examine your filters when choosing men and how your own behaviour contributes to your misery. None of this is normal for a such a short-lived relationship. You're getting over-involved and over-invested and your emotions are steering the ship. This isn't the way to find happiness. 

Do you mind if I ask how old you and he are? 

I am having hard time letting go but i know i am not happy with the current version of him (cold treatment). I also know i should not accept his selfishness and bad temper however I long for the warm fuzzy feelings he gave me at the beginning (starting from he first pursuing me). each time i went into a relationship, i fall hard....

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Confuzze said:

I long for the warm fuzzy feelings he gave me at the beginning

You need to realize that these feelings are not the basis for a sustainable relationship. They're a fraction of what makes a relationship work. 

When you start seeing major red flags, you need to leave and not look back. Instead, you're hanging on to the fantasy version of this guy but that's not who he is. Clinging on to those initial thrills is leading you to stay in bad situations and make poor choices for yourself. 

[Confuzze]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You need to realize that these feelings are not the basis for a sustainable relationship. They're a fraction of what makes a relationship work. 

When you start seeing major red flags, you need to leave and not look back. Instead, you're hanging on to the fantasy version of this guy but that's not who he is. Clinging on to those initial thrills is leading you to stay in bad situations and make poor choices for yourself. 

thanks for the encouragement....how can i do to be successful at executing this (leaving him)...i feel so weak...not strong will

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Confuzze said:

thanks for the encouragement....how can i do to be successful at executing this (leaving him)...i feel so weak...not strong will

By realizing that you miss the attention more than you miss him as a person. 

A lot of people can butter you up in the beginning. But only a special few can maintain a healthy, happy and mutually-respectful bond. However, you are also going to need to do some work on yourself to get there. If you tend to dive into relationships head-first and minimize red flags, your own self-worth needs to be addressed. Warm, fuzzy feelings are not going to heal whatever wounds you're carrying inside yourself. 

Again, how old are you and this guy? 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Confuzze said:

Hello, I am very sad and hope I can get some refuge here. Yes I appreciate your honesty, I know it is dysfunctional and dramatic. I am in overseas still for business trip. I continued working on NC. Today, i saw my bf posted status "we'll be ok" on the chat platform he uses to communicate with me since day 1. clearly that post was regarding his mom being in ER and himself has been having high fever on-off-on-off.

Is it me? am i thinking too much? or is it fact...i felt that post was to get my attention coz i was on NC (after i brokme NC and replied whatever he typed about his mom's ICU 2-3 days ago)...Reason being, I know for fact he does not post stuff like "i am sad, we'll be ok" on chat platform or FB. He only posts photos of food,car online.

I feel he is playing mind games with me he knows i am too weak. he knows i care.

so i actually broke NC today and wrote "what is your moms status in ICU"

I wouldn't read into that post or analyze it too much. It could mean anything. What's important is that you find support through appropriate channels and depend less and less on this man. It's ok to care for others but be discerning about how you spend your time and with whom and for what reason.

Since you keep contacting him, not much is going to change. It may trigger more of your anxiety.

 

[Confuzze]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

By realizing that you miss the attention more than you miss him as a person. 

A lot of people can butter you up in the beginning. But only a special few can maintain a healthy, happy and mutually-respectful bond. However, you are also going to need to do some work on yourself to get there. If you tend to dive into relationships head-first and minimize red flags, your own self-worth needs to be addressed. Warm, fuzzy feelings are not going to heal whatever wounds you're carrying inside yourself. 

Again, how old are you and this guy? 

i am old 44 and he is 46. is good on what u wrote, helps me to see clearer and helps remind myself ...i cannot see and disect things well to understand and to feel better. all i am having now are racing thoughts - leave, miss him, leave, but cannot let go, leave but text him but his mother

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Confuzze said:

i am old 44 . i am having now are racing thoughts - leave, miss him, leave, but cannot let go.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the "racing thoughts". Have some tests done for metabolic, hormonal and endocrine issues. Rule out thyroid or menopausal issues.

Leave this man alone. He's not making you happy.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Confuzze said:

i am old 44 and he is 46. 

Oh dear. 

I thought you were going to say late teens or early 20s. You are both far too old for any of these shennanigans. I don't mean that disrespectfully; I am 41 myself. This behaviour from a man in his late 40s would turn me right off. 

At this point, you should be settling into a much more mature idea of love and happiness. This man is not going to provide that for you. 

[smackie9]

Girl you were just too thirsty when this guy came along and love bombed you. You are in love with the idea of a relationship not with the guy. Work on your mental health and get a life that fulfills you. Tip: a man can't give you a life, only you can.

Edited June 4, 2022 by smackie9

[Alpacalia]

There is a song by Katy Perry that always comes to mind when I read a thread like this: "Hot and cold".

If this is negatively affecting your well-being, as it seems that it is, and you feel awful about yourself because you don't know where you stand, it is okay to walk away and prioritize yourself.

Many people might think that since it is only a month, it is not too long and therefore you will be able to get over it fairly quick as it is only a month.

Well, some people have dated some people for years and got over them in a few days, while some others have dated some people for a few days and got over them in a few years. 

He met a need you had in your mind. Identify and understand the root of this longing. Un-do a basic need to un-need it.

Instead, acknowledge this need and find another way to satisfy it. At times, this can be painful and frustrating, but this is a necessary part of growth. So grow. Even though it hurts. Grow. Keep going. Be kind to yourself.

Even though you may have thought he was unique, this man does not possess a magical license that can fulfill all of your needs.

This is about you, not him.

[Lauriebell82]

I did not read this whole thread, just a few replies, but I tend to agree that your conflict resolution skills need to some improvement in order to make a healthy relationship work. I don't believe this man is hot/cold, I believe your issues with anxious attachment and poor conflict resolution (i.e. break ups and ignoring him instead of health communication) are what the main issue is and what has led to the problems in the relationship. I think if you sense a partner pulling away AT ALL this triggers a fear based reaction which sends you down a rabbit hole. It would benefit you to do some work on yourself and adapt some healthier coping skills to deal with your relationship anxiety. I would suggest therapy and/or self help books. I used to have anxious attachment issues as well, and have since been able to do work and now am able to communicate in a healthy way and not feel threatened or abandoned when my boyfriend needs his own space. As a result of this, not only has our relationship gotten closer and evolved, but it's so healthy and loving! Please don't give up..it's possible to work on these issues.

Edited June 6, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[NuevoYorko]

Please just woman up and take care of this.  Call him and tell him that you are ending it.  You don't need big explanations.  Just say that it is not working for you, wish him the best, and tell him you are moving on.

Then delete and BLOCK him.

In the future, NEVER start a relationship with this texting every few hours from morning to night.  This is completely unsustainable, unrealistic, superficial, and unhealthy.  I think one contact per day, if people are serious about each other, is reasonable.  Talking on the phone, though it seems obsolete anymore, is good.  A conversation with some depth is possible.  

Last thing:  if you are actively dating someone and especially if you consider them to be your boyfriend, and you want to end it, you need to tell them.  Just ghosting is not an option.  It's also not a way to drive a relationship any direction, or to get a person to do what you want.  

I'm sorry you feel badly but really, this was a very minimal amount of investment on your part or his.  You will get over it quickly if you stop the drama.

[Confuzze]

On 6/5/2022 at 8:51 PM, Lauriebell82 said:

I did not read this whole thread, just a few replies, but I tend to agree that your conflict resolution skills need to some improvement in order to make a healthy relationship work. I don't believe this man is hot/cold, I believe your issues with anxious attachment and poor conflict resolution (i.e. break ups and ignoring him instead of health communication) are what the main issue is and what has led to the problems in the relationship. I think if you sense a partner pulling away AT ALL this triggers a fear based reaction which sends you down a rabbit hole. It would benefit you to do some work on yourself and adapt some healthier coping skills to deal with your relationship anxiety. I would suggest therapy and/or self help books. I used to have anxious attachment issues as well, and have since been able to do work and now am able to communicate in a healthy way and not feel threatened or abandoned when my boyfriend needs his own space. As a result of this, not only has our relationship gotten closer and evolved, but it's so healthy and loving! Please don't give up..it's possible to work on these issues.

I have started therapy session. Also Read up on anxious attachment. Can I ask you what did u do to recover from anxious attachment you said you had long time ago?