Meeting up with ex BF [UPDATE - rekindled and broke up again]

[Lauriebell82]

On 6/10/2022 at 2:30 AM, Confuzze said:

I have started therapy session. Also Read up on anxious attachment. Can I ask you what did u do to recover from anxious attachment you said you had long time ago?

Great job! Getting into therapy is the first step. I have been in therapy for 6+ years straight (even before my divorce) and also have been in 12 step programming for codependency as well as well SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous) which focuses on the dynamic between anxious and avoidant in a relationship, which is what often we end up attracting into a relationship. These programs have helped me so very much! 

Here are the websites if you are interested: They have phone meetings and you can talk to people on the phone with similar issues for some great support. It really helps a ton! I have been a part of these programs for 5 years. 

coda: coda.org

SLAA: slaafws.org

Edited June 13, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[Confuzze]

On 6/13/2022 at 8:40 AM, Lauriebell82 said:

Great job! Getting into therapy is the first step. I have been in therapy for 6+ years straight (even before my divorce) and also have been in 12 step programming for codependency as well as well SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous) which focuses on the dynamic between anxious and avoidant in a relationship, which is what often we end up attracting into a relationship. These programs have helped me so very much! 

Here are the websites if you are interested: They have phone meetings and you can talk to people on the phone with similar issues for some great support. It really helps a ton! I have been a part of these programs for 5 years. 

coda: coda.org

SLAA: slaafws.org

Thanks for the websites I definitely could use some help..are they very costly?

[Lauriebell82]

On 6/28/2022 at 12:10 PM, Confuzze said:

Thanks for the websites I definitely could use some help..are they very costly?

You are welcome! Nope, both programs (meetings) are free. Only the meeting materials (books, pamplets, ect) used during the meetings, cost money. But a lot can be found on amazon and they are between $10-20 each.

[Maldives]

If he's still acting cold, it means he's still carrying that arguement in his head. Men always tend to act like this. I'm generalizing but I notice a lot of men behave like this when arguments happen in relationships. It's a way of processing information in his case He has some resentment. 

[Confuzze]

Hello everyone. I'd appreciate if I can get some constructive TIPS or advice from here. First of all let's factor OUT / remove whether or not we should reconcile, from this equation/question. My last time of seeing him was end of May, then I went overseas for several months, We kept in touch as BF/GF via chat platforms while I was in overseas. We eventually stopped communicating end of June (even though the word breakup was not brought up). I don't want to llist out the whole 9-yard of why brokeup, etc but I was the one wanted to leave. I returned to this country 2 weeks after we stopped talking (July5). Few weeks later, I decided I want to keep this relationship despite all the sad things happened before. I reached out on Aug22  (total no contact from June 27 to Aug 21) 

to wish him a happy birthday and asked how he was. He replied ASAP and chatted a bit, told me he was having work issues. Conversation ended. I later off, and on, off and on kept texting going and asked him when can I buy him bday dinner. A lot of reluctance from him, I started to get anxiety attack, I was walking on egg shells and lotsa uncertainty. Eventually, after one whole week gone I asked again he OK to meet tonight. 

My help request here:

(1) How should I act during dinner? I have been doing breathwork to reduce my panic and anxiety attacks. I want to raise my positive vibration. I did facial mask, did things to take care myself to prepare to meet him aftere 3.5 months. but still How should I act during dinner? I am SO NERVOUS.

(2) I want to know when can I start the serious conversation about (a) what is our status since no breakup was mentioned, we just stopped talking while I was in overseas (b) Can we rekindle and start a fresh relationship? I love him! We are going to have sushi tonight so I dont know WHEN to bring up these topics.

I am very nervous and still having anxiety attack while typing here. I would appreciate your kindness on tips and advice on my 2 questions above.

Edited September 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

Without knowing why you stopped communicating it's hard to give an answer.  His reluctance in meeting for a b-day dinner is kind of telling where his head is on this.  If he were anxious to get back with you he would have jumped at the chance to have you take him for a b-day dinner.  It seems you had to ask him more than once to do this too.  

Bringing up the status between you right now seems kinda obvious, you used to date and drifted apart, ( I think), so you can ask him if he wants to start dating again.  Be prepared for rejection because of his reluctance to jump at the chance for this dinner.  How long did you two date before it ended.?   

[basil67]

I'm guessing this previous thread is the history to what happened.   The whole situation was a mess of push and pull. A combination of you playing games of ignoring him and his hot temper and apparent verbal abuse.

When you asked him to dinner, it sounds like you didn't disclose the discussions you want to have.   So instead of taking him out to celebrate his birthday as civil exes, you're planning to ambush him with a whole lot of conversation which he doesn't want.   And I am confident in saying he doesn't want those discussions because he's so wary of meeting you.

This is his birthday.  Do not make it about you or your feelings.

Edited September 1, 2022 by basil67

[stillafool]

Oh I just glimpsed at your past comments about this guy and how he treats you.  I can see why you left him alone because of how he treated you.  From his reluctance to quickly accept your invitation to buy him a b-day dinner it doesn't seem like he's changed his mind about you.  You've stated you have "anxious attachment" issues and I don't know if you've received counseling for that, but chasing after this man is definitely going to set you back.  Maybe if he were the one who came to you and said he's received help to manage his emotions, promised to be a different man and wants you to give him a chance, I might say try it.  With you doing the chasing after the way he has treated you I fear you are setting yourself up for more of the same old, same old.   That's not healthy and you won't be happy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why do you want a meet a guy who you have to practically beg to see you? 

[glows]

I tend to pay attention, not ignore, the way I feel around someone. You’re having anxiety and panic attacks around this person. 

If you insist on seeing him expect nothing from him as he doesn’t even owe you an answer for the way he feels. He may not have any answer for you or he may react poorly. I don’t think there’s any guideline as to when to bring these up but certainly not before having eaten. You’ll have to read the room and his cues to see whether he reciprocates any affection for you. I would not bring up any feelings at all. See what he’s like around you and whether there’s a spark. 

At this point you’re only two people meeting at a restaurant. It doesn’t mean anything more than that. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Confuzze said:

How should I act during dinner? I have been doing breathwork to reduce my panic and anxiety attacks. I want to raise my positive vibration.

He seems like one of the sources of your anxiety. 

Is this the same man?:

 

[FMW]

I think the most important thing is to prepare yourself for any outcome, including his rejection of anything beyond having that dinner.  Your anxiety is because of fearing rejection, fearing a bad reaction to something you might say.  You can't control what he says or does.  All you can control is your expectations and your own words and actions. 

When to start the serious conversation and questions is something you have to feel your way through.  It's never worked for me to plan ahead how and when I'm going to bring up uncomfortable topics.  You have to pay attention to what's going on at the moment, how things are flowing (or maybe more importantly NOT flowing).  

[Confuzze]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems like one of the sources of your anxiety. 

Is this the same man?:

 

The same guy...but yea..I made a conscious decision to rekindle...will see how it goes

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Confuzze said:

The same guy...but yea..I made a conscious decision to rekindle...will see how it goes

 

Why?  He has treated you horribly.  Don't you think you deserve better?  He's never going to treat you the way you want him to.  You'll look up one day and years will have passed, you've grown older and still begging him to love you while watching him fall in love with someone else.  Don't throw your life away on this dude.

 

 

[Confuzze]

21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why?  He has treated you horribly.  Don't you think you deserve better?  He's never going to treat you the way you want him to.  You'll look up one day and years will have passed, you've grown older and still begging him to love you while watching him fall in love with someone else.  Don't throw your life away on this dude.

 

 

That is true...I can't move on...

[basil67]

Given his obvious reticence to meet with you, why are you putting yourself in the position of receiving a massive rejection?   Is it to help you move on?

Edited September 2, 2022 by basil67

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, Confuzze said:

That is true...I can't move on...

Of course you can.  Stop telling yourself that.  Get into therapy if you have to in order to take your life back.  One day when he's gone you will have no other choice but to move on.  Do it now while you still have a chance to get someone else.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Confuzze said:

...I can't move on...

You don't have to. All you need to do is stop chasing him then delete and block him.

While spa treatments are fine for relaxing they're not a substitute for appropriate physical and mental health care. Particularly when you pursue one of the causes of your distress.

Surround yourself with good people places and things. Remove irritating factors and people.

 

[Confuzze]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't have to. All you need to do is stop chasing him then delete and block him.

While spa treatments are fine for relaxing they're not a substitute for appropriate physical and mental health care. Particularly when you pursue one of the causes of your distress.

Surround yourself with good people places and things. Remove irritating factors and people.

 

thanks so much

[ExpatInItaly]

Meeting him again only to have him (again) reject a relationship with you is not going to help you. 

11 hours ago, Confuzze said:

I made a conscious decision to rekindle

But he doesn't appear to have a desire to rekindle. You are going to get terribly hurt all over again. 

[Confuzze]

I think some of you may read my history in here. Things have transpired so much. Long story short, Sept 1, went out to celebrate his birthday after 2 months of NC. He initiated to rekindle with action, while I confirmed with words. I understood that things need to slowly get back into grooves after a long NC... anyway today, he told me it is best for us to be just friends, instead of lovers.

I am writing here, coz I have nobody to tell. I am processing the whole thing, still. I am not sure I am feeling sad or nonchalant. I feel moody.

How do I heal? How do I move on?

[basil67]

I'm sorry  There was only ever a remote chance that it was going to rekindle successfully.  But you gave it your best and now have your answer.

You move on by going NC and staying that way.  The two of you can't be friends while you have feelings because it will stop you from healing.  And there's always a good chance that he was just saying "be friends" to be polite and has no real intention of keeping in contact. 

Lastly, go back and re-read the bad things you wrote about him.  Hang them on your fridge where they will remind you of why it broke up in the first place. 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Confuzze said:

 He initiated to rekindle with action, while I confirmed with words.  anyway today, he told me it is best for us to be just friends, instead of lovers.

Sorry this happened. Hopefully he is not just hooking up then backing off again.

It's best not to stay friends because it keeps you trapped in this situationship.

When you delete and block him, you'll be able to move forward and find someone who wants what you want instead of having to chase an indifferent man like this.

[ExpatInItaly]

45 minutes ago, Confuzze said:

How do I heal? How do I move on?

Block this guy for good. 

It doesn't sound like you two rekindled at all. He simply agreed to meet you after you asked him repeatedly (according to your previous thread) and we sadly warned you that this was not going to go well. Now that you know for sure that there is no future, you really need to cut him out of your life in every way. 

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Confuzze said:

How do I heal? How do I move on?

By going complete NC so you don't get jerked around again.  You're not getting back together.  This is what you need to start drilling into your brain and give up.  Block him and begin your healing process.  You can do this just be determined and stick to it.  You'll be proud of yourself when you get to the other side of this pain.  Good luck.