Am I Crazy or No?

[RebeccaR]

7 minutes ago, AmICrazyOrNo said:

Also the first one that more or less answers the question in the titles. 

Whatever message you meant to send I interpret as trust but verify. 

Unless you want to end your marriage, don’t ask for the test

[AmICrazyOrNo]

I don’t have to ask her for a test. I can just do one and not tell her. 
 

Also, note in an earlier post I mentioned there isn’t much room between “you have no evidence” and “you’re being paranoid”

[RebeccaR]

Your daughter is 2. Are you going to abandon her if she’s not “yours”? Good luck with the fallout from that. You should have accused her during the pregnancy, not 2 years later. I think you’re p!sssd at your wife for her treatment of you during your unemployment, and you want to punish her. And the guy you imagined might be the father is very unlikely to be the father. Think before your ruin your own life.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, AmICrazyOrNo said:

I don’t have to ask her for a test. I can just do one and not tell her. 

Unfortunately this may not quench your thirst for putting jealousy above loving your daughter..

[AmICrazyOrNo]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this may not quench your thirst for putting jealousy above loving your daughter..

It would if she is determined to be mine. Then I’d move along and feel like a giant a**h***. 

11 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Your daughter is 2. Are you going to abandon her if she’s not “yours”? Good luck with the fallout from that. You should have accused her during the pregnancy, not 2 years later. I think you’re p!sssd at your wife for her treatment of you during your unemployment, and you want to punish her. And the guy you imagined might be the father is very unlikely to be the father. Think before your ruin your own life.

very insightful. I have to consider that. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Uh, paternity is actually NOT the issue here. It's just the last straw that finally kicked in your defense mechanisms after feeing rejected and dismissed by your wife.

That's the problem. The marriage is in crisis. She's pulled away. She's miles away from you. And you're passive. You are afraid to confront her--you have initiated the blunt conversations and challenges that the crisis demands.

You're so passive (with such low expectations) that it seems only the paternity issue (extreme) has kicked you to take a first step. 

Couples have to survive layoffs. Getting laid off isn't justification for her to treat you like dirt! Seems that you did assume it was justification and so you treated yourself like dirt by feeling guilty when your wife was being mean and not supportive.

Sounds to me like this woman (and her wealth) have been in control from the get-go. And you have never confronted her. Time to have the confrontation ... multiple ... shouting and screaming (as long as there's no physical violence) at each is better than silence and nothingness. 

Your wife seems angry at you and has lost respect for you, but she doesn't know how to tell you that. This is one of those situations where your guilt and sense of inadequacy after being laid off only contributed to her distance and coldness. 

Who do you have around you that you can talk to about this marriage? You need some frank conversations with some buddies. Time to spill--to help you get your courage up. 

The marriage is in crisis, teetering right now--it's just that you guys are pretending the building isn't collapsing. That pretense is rapidly coming to an end. 

[basil67]

Oh no, I'm so sorry - I didn't read the opening post thoroughly and thought that the child was a newborn.  Now I realise that she's two and loves and has bonded with you, I will rescind my suggestion to get a DNA test.  If you find out that she's not yours what are you going to do?  Would you destroy her life by walking away from her?   Frankly, if you were really worried about her parentage, you should have addressed it when she was born.

Your talk of looking for visual similarities doesn't account for the randomness of how we take on different traits of our ancestors.   For example, both of my children are unquestionably my husband's.  However, our son looks nothing like my husband at all...but he does look kind of like me.  Meanwhile, when our daughter was young, she looked just like my husband's maternal side of the family and nothing like me.   Adding to the confusion, we both have blue eyes and her eyes are hazel.   Now we were taught in high school that two blue eyed parents will have a blue eyed child, but it's not true.  Recessive genes can change eye colour (and as it so happens, there is hazel on my husband's side).  But even though she looked nothing like me when she was 10, naturally I can't question my parentage  

Now I realise that my children are irrelevant to your issue, but I'm using them to demonstrate that a child's looks don't necessarily indicate parentage.  

 

[MickeyBill]

What is a stag & doe party?

 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/1/2022 at 11:01 PM, AmICrazyOrNo said:

 Many articles stated that wives are likely to cheat when  they are ovulating.

Is this worth a paternity test?

No. I think this theory that "women cheat when ovulating" is pseudoscience. It's rubbish because women who don't ovulate (on the pill, whatever) could cheat as well.

I also think you're sidestepping the real issues of marital breakdown.

So paternity testing because of a celebrity crush, host at a party 2 years ago who's taller than you and a Halloween costume 2 years ago makes no sense.

The only recent thing upsetting you is that she made a comment about a celebrity who has blue eyes. So you're going to get genetic testing because your child has blue eyes?

Marriage therapy would help you out a lot more than trying to "prove" your daughter is illegitimate.

Edited September 4, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, MickeyBill said:

What is a stag & doe party?

It's a party an engaged couple has before they get married, generally to help raise some funds for the wedding. Usually there's a bar, some silly games, food, and so on. Guests pay a small entry fee and of course for drinks. A small community effort to help out the couple, if you will.  It's common in some areas, unheard of in others. Very common in the area around my hometown in Canada, for example. 

 

Edited September 4, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[MickeyBill]

Ok thanks!

 

[Acacia98]

21 hours ago, AmICrazyOrNo said:

WHY DO I NEED AN ATTORNEY IF THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF CHEATING LET ALONE PREGNANCY WITH ANOTHER MAN??

You know, you don't have to argue with the folks responding to you. You don't owe us any explanations or proof that you mean well. You can simply take what you find useful and leave what you find irrelevant.

Get a DNA test done quietly if that's possible. And depending on what you find and how you want to proceed, you could decide whether it makes sense to see a lawyer for advice.

[pepperbird2]

On 9/2/2022 at 12:01 AM, AmICrazyOrNo said:

My (41m) partner (36f) and I have been together for 14 years. Living together 11. We have 2 kids, 4 1/2 (m)& 2 (f). Million dollar family. 

I have an embarrassing concern that has kept me up random nights for about 2 years and 9 months  

About a year and a half after our first, I had a very painful and sudden job loss. My partner had just gone back to work full time and was already out earning me when this happened. She is also from a wealthy family.  While this mitigated our financial concerns, our relationship suffered.

She was very unsympathetic and shortly after became downright contemptuous most of the time we were speaking.  We had been through a lot together and I felt awful that I could no longer contribute, but was hurt by her lack of care. During this time, we had almost no sex. She rarely said anything other than snarky criticism. I had been training for a career upgrade when I was let go so a few months into looking for work, I was stunned to hear her accuse me of losing my job on purpose to sit around and spend her money. She still doesn’t know this but that night a call back from a friend was the only thing that stopped me from taking my own life. I was full of self loathing and felt like her and our son would be better off without me as a burden, especially before my beautiful boy was old enough to miss me. 

Things were not good but I realized how sad and pitiful I’d become. She wasn’t helping (my state, or my ability to look for work) but I felt like I was lucky she hadn’t just kicked me out of our house, and kept me from our son. I had become extremely angry, depressed and probably quite unpleasant to be around.

Her and I had discussed another baby when times were better and the clock was ticking so to speak, so in spite of our situation, with her income and wealthy family to support us, we decided to try for number 2. 

Our first try that time was not successful and we were going to try for the next month. 

Before that day came, we were invited to a hallowe’en party. She dressed like she’s never dressed before. Her costume seemed to necessitate a tight satin mini dress and lots of time on hair and makeup. When we walked in she was turning heads. I felt thrilled with her with me. Her friend’s husband invited a lot of loud, boisterous, coke fueled, cocky grown-up frat boy types who I’ve long since grown unthreatened by. She seemed to know some, but nothing suspicious caught my eye.

The next week was halloween and other than taking our son trick or treating, she was more or less contemptuous the entire time. She would never go out normally and that week she went out at least 3 times, usually after some fuss in the bathroom to get ready. The last time she came home, dropped her phone on the table, brushed me off and jumped in the shower. 

I had grown so suspicious that I did the no-no. I flipped over her phone and scrolled through her call history. None from her friend.  Texts. No messages. Emails. No emails. Insta DMs. No insta dms. Unless she communicated with these women by effing raven, I had to  concede that I would never know how she was contacted or how those plans were made.

I felt sick and worried but pushed that away. I hadn’t been insecure like that since we’d first dated and it felt weird. I assumed I was losing my mind, or that she deleted messages to her friends complaining about how much she disliked me. I confronted her and she was dismissive and accused me of being paranoid and insecure, and managed to eye-roll her way out of questions I felt weren’t unwarranted.

A few days later, with her unenthusiastic, mechanical participation, we conceived our second. 

This pregnancy was during COVID. There was not contact with much of anyone and I somehow managed to find work, getting promoted quickly. As my confidence improved, so did our relationship. I have done a lot of work on myself for my family and my own sake since that time. I also spent the pandemic renovating our house which gave me a lot of pride at home and I began asserting myself in our relationship like I never had before.

By the due date all fear was behind me. I was over the moon when our daughter was born.  

But as I’d read so much about why and when wives cheat, what it looks like, why a wife might be mad at you all the time by this time, I couldn’t shake that week off.

Many articles stated that wives are likely to cheat when the relationship is bad. Check.

When they are over 30. Check. Withholding sex from their partner. Double check outside of scheduled baby making. 

When they have a one year old. Check.

And most painful:

when they are ovulating.

Since that time I feel many aspects of our relationship have improved and I can’t imagine that my partner of 13 years would destroy or family and put us all through that sort of pain because I was laid off and struggled to find work for a few months, but I also know that every man who has been in that situation thought the same thing. 
 

If I could prove infidelity, I would just leave, but that would be crazy ona weird hunch.

if the timing wasn’t so critical, I’d just let it go and assume the worst but acknowledge my part in her feelings at that time. But with our relationship improving and me falling more in love with my daughter every day this little shred of doubt is tearing me apart.

is this worth a paternity test?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking at this from the perspective of the little girl, I woudl advise you to get her DNA tested. She has every right to know where she came form, and if you wait, it will only be more painful.

You can still love her, still be her dad and be the most important man in her life-none of that will ever change.

[mark clemson]

I think it's a fair question. OP, are you going to walk out of your daughter's life if she's not genetically yours?

Many men would, many would not. I would go so far as to say many men seem to have an "instinct" to not raise a kid who's not theirs, that tends to kick in whether or not "bonding" has occurred.

Edited September 7, 2022 by mark clemson

[S2B]

On 9/3/2022 at 3:30 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Well you're putting yourself in a lose-lose situation. If it is not yours, you'll want a divorce and if it is and you've made these accusations, she will. So get your test and prepare for the divorce.

You could do the dna test without telling her. Get the results yourself and see what it states.