Falling in love with 'an affair'

[inghol]

I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years with my partner & am generally very happy. He is kind, loving we are very compatible & share lots of interests, but the sex was never great and has pretty much fizzled out altogether over the last couple of years.

Long before I met my partner I was on and off seeing another guy, purely for sex, and this has continued throughout my relationship.

For some strange reason probably around 6 months ago I started developing feelings for this other guy, which I don’t understand as I’ve been seeing him for probably 10 years without any emotional involvement at all.

While the sex is excellent I never even considered him as relationship material as he’s 12 years younger than me, we are from very different backgrounds, and never really considered him compatible.

He has also started feeling the same towards me & I really have never felt so emotionally distressed & just don’t know what to do.

My head says I’d be mad to lose a very kind loving & compatible partner even if the sex isn’t there. But while I don’t think I love the “affair” it’s very deep infatuation.

Continuing like this seems impossible as every time I see him my feelings just get stronger, and while I didn’t feel guilty before I do now there’s an emotional connection.

PS I know there will be those who want to make a judgment on my seeing this guy but that, for now, doesn’t help me so please don’t judge. It has helped keep my relationship together in one way and deal with the lack of sex in my relationship. 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? 

Edited September 2, 2022 by inghol

[ExpatInItaly]

It doesn't sound like you are truly compatible with either of these men. 

One is secure and loving but there's no romantic chemistry. The other is sexually exciting but doesn't seem to match the sort of partner you are seeking. 

3 hours ago, inghol said:

My head says I’d be mad to lose a very kind loving & compatible partner

But your relationship doesn't stand on its own two legs. You've always had someone else in the background, propping you up and making your relationship tolerable for for.  Thus, you would be losing the illusion of a good relationship but one that apparently won't function when it's just the 2 of you. And sooner or later, you will lose this other guy. Someday, he will meet his forever-person and probably cut you off. 

Then where will you be? 

It is probably time to make yourself single and find a guy is actually right for you. Neither of these two is, in and of themselves. It goes without saying that you need to do some inner work too, and reflect on the choices that brought you here. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, inghol said:

My head says I’d be mad to lose a very kind loving & compatible partner even if the sex isn’t there.

Agree, neither of these relationships are meeting your needs and this balancing act can’t continue forever. 

You are not compatible with your partner if you are not sexually compatible. What’s more, you are not behaving in a loving way toward your partner.

Take away the affair and you have a relationship that is not meeting your basic needs. You have found a workaround but what it has enabled you to do is to stay longer than you otherwise would or otherwise should have stayed.

You would be wise to end the relationship and stop wasting your own time and your partner’s time. He deserves more than a partner who is not lying to him and betraying his trust throughout the entire relationship. And you deserve to have a partner with whom you share a close emotional and sexual relationship.

Personally, I would end both relationships because they are both holding you back from going in search of finding your “right” relationship. And honestly, I would get some counselling and do some serious soul searching before you find another partner/relationship.

Edited September 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, inghol said:

I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years with my partner & am generally very happy.but the sex was never great and has pretty much fizzled out altogether over the last couple of years.

Long before I met my partner I was on and off seeing another guy, purely for sex, and this has continued throughout my relationship.

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? How old is your partner? Are there health problems? Is your lover married? Yes, it's untenable. You are just complacent roommates at this point. Does the other man want more than hookups?

[stillafool]

Luckily you aren't married to either of these men and can leave and find someone who is compatible with you in all ways.  You have now developed romantic feelsing for your FWB which means it's time to end that situation unless he feels the same way for you.  If you don't and given he's 12 years younger you will end up very hurt when he inevitably gets a girlfriend and ends it.  This is why FWB relationships almost always favors the men because women end up falling for them and they rarely make a FWB their girl.

[smackie9]

Dump your partner. If he doesn't want sex with you, he's already checked out so parting ways would be understandable. Give the lover a chance. You have known each other for 10 years, starting a real relationship would be your next step to seeing if this could work. Anything is possible. Think about it....how would you feel if your partner was having great sex with another woman for the duration of your relationship? It doesn't make sense. Why not have the whole package?

[chrysalis3]

11 hours ago, inghol said:

Continuing like this seems impossible as every time I see him my feelings just get stronger, and while I didn’t feel guilty before I do now there’s an emotional connection.

 

Do you know his feeling's toward's you?