Desperately need your help!

[Kelly8181]

Dear anyone out there.

I’m in a terrible position, where me and my boyfriend is about to split up just weeks before we are having a baby. I’m so confused about the whole thing, and I’m desperate to figure out if there is something in our conflict I misunderstood, or if its him that is off here. I would be so grateful for whatever feedback I can get!

Our conflict is about cheating, and started 2 weeks ago when I got suspicious about why he has been so private with his phone during the 3 years we’ve been together. After I confronted him he wrote me a long and convincing mail and explained the reason why he was hiding his phone from me, was because I was jealous and would overreact if saw him texting with female friends I didn’t knew about. He felt my suspiciousness was indirectly accusing him of bad behaviour, which was uncalled for as he would never be disloyal to me or do anything that would break our trust.

However, I could still feel he was hiding something, and this became the start of a 10 day long and crazy conflict, with him lying to me so massively and repeatedly that I was loosing my sense of what was right and couldn’t tell up from down anymore. Everyday I caught him in a new lie, and everyday he would swear that he was done lying, only just to keep lying to me again the next day.

This continued for a week and drove me out on the edge of what I could handle, especially so close to birth with all my primal instincts screaming for the loyalty and safety I thought we had. Everyday a new piece of information came to light and by the end of the 10 days, it was clear that he had had 2 relationships behind my back. He said the first one was mainly a platonic relationship with a woman he had dated not long before we met. Through all of our relationship, they been meeting for coffee at her place every 2-3 month, just for a friendly chat, but a few times the goodbye hugs had been a bit too long. As he had regularly deleted their text correspondence, I ask him to recreate it, and a text came up where he wrote that the reason he kept her a secret from me, was because he still had some feelings for her he couldn’t turn off.

I know many people think that you shouldn’t ask to see your partners private phone, but at this point there had been so many lies, that I felt it was my only option to get to the truth. The other relationship he had, was with a woman he kissed at a party while I was 4 month pregnant, they had about a week of intense text exchange, which ended in a meeting at her place, where nothing physical happened. I talked to her, and she told me that he had said some really bad and degrading things about me, and how he was stuck with me and rather would start something up with her.

When I finally found out the truth after all the lies, I flipped and showed aggressiveness that he’d never seen in me, as I threw a watermelon to the floor and hit him on his shoulder, which I know was not ok and apologised for right away. I also called him a coward and a liar and let him know that I thought what he was doing to me was terrible, but I never used any swearing or degrading profanity words. However, he feels that my behaviour and the week long cross-examination was unacceptable and showed a complete lack of empathy from my side, because I didn’t considered how hard this was for him. No matter what he had done, if I really loved him I should have seen and cared for how he felt in the conflict, as this had been the worst experience of his life. We had been eating and sleeping very little the 10 days, and he felt I should have stopped the constant interrogation and see how bad it was hurting him. 

He says all the lies was his attempt to not make things worse as he didn’t want to lose me, and it seems like he is somewhat ok with his behaviour. He also don’t seem to think that the secrets, cheating and what he said about me was that bad, and explained it with, that he wasn’t happy in our relationship at that point and just needed to let some steam out and get some comfort from the other woman.

His primary conclusion of the conflict is that I hurt him so bad, that he no longer can trust that I will take care of his feelings and his best interests. He feels he needs to protect himself against me or put his guard up now, as this conflict has showed him that I have a very selfish side, where I don’t put him into consideration as he always does with me. Is he right? Was my actions really that bad? And what about his own actions? By now I am so confused and in shock because, despite of how crazy this whole conflict sounds, we’ve been having a really loving and respectful relationship for 3 years and both wanted to start a family together. I feel I have lost my better judgment right now, and would be so grateful for any honest feedback on this conflict, no matter if it’s me who is in the wrong here.

Edited September 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, Kelly8181 said:

I talked to her, and she told me that he had said some really bad and degrading things about me, and how he was stuck with me and rather would start something up with her.

Now you see this girl was telling you the truth.

 

23 minutes ago, Kelly8181 said:

. He feels he needs to protect himself against me or put his guard up now, as this conflict has showed him that I have a very selfish side, where I don’t put him into consideration as he always does with me. Is he right? Was my actions really that bad? And what about his own actions? By now I am so confused and in chock because, despite of how crazy this whole conflict sounds, we’ve been having a really loving and respectful relationship for 3 years and both wanted to start a family together.

He's using this an excuse to break up with you.  He's a liar and a cheat and you found him out.  Instead of being remorseful he turned the entire thing around and is now blaming you.  He's not over his ex and has admitted to still having feeling for her.  You are better off without him and be glad you found out who he is before going further.  Just look after yourself and your baby for no.  Have you filed for child support yet?  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Kelly8181 said:

I’m in a terrible position, where me and my boyfriend is about to split up just weeks before we are having a baby. we’ve been having a really loving and respectful relationship for 3 years and both wanted to start a family together.

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Yes he is cheating. But you need to decide if staying with him is worth it. No you do not have to have compassion for his dilemma that he chose to resolve by cheating.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Kelly8181 said:

Everyday I caught him in a new lie, and everyday he would swear that he was done lying, only just to keep lying to me again the next day. This continued for a week and drove me out on the edge of what I could handle, especially so close to birth with all my primal instincts screaming for the loyalty and safety I thought we had. Everyday a new piece of information came to light and by the end of the 10 days, it was clear that he had had 2 relationships behind my back. 

Hi Kelly. 

I apologize if this sounds harsh, but with respect to what's quoted above^^, everything that happened after that point would have and could have been avoided if you had simply followed your intuition and instincts and the evidence /information presented in front of you and just WALKED! 

Ended the relationship, bye. 

You don't remain in a relationship when there's lying, deceit, dishonesty, cheating. 

If you do, everything that happens thereafter, good, bad and ugly, at least in part, is on YOU, for staying. 

In your case, things only got worse, to the point you became so unhinged you tossed a watermelon on the floor and hit him, verbally berated him. 

This is not good, obviously

Why did you not leave when you first came upon his lying and cheating?  

You're not the first woman to remain in a toxic situation like this, but I will never understand it. 

Many women use the excuse "but I love him" or in your case you are having his baby, but what type of toxic environment will your baby be born into by remaining in this mess with this liar and cheater?  

Not to mention your own mental and emotional health?

In any event, to answer your question, imo you are both in the wrong. 

HIM for lying and cheating and YOU for staying. 

Are you living together?  If so, move out immediately, stay with a trusted friend or family.  Even a shelter would be better than living with him.

Do you know what gaslighting is?  The word gets tossed around a lot but it means 'altering the state of another's reality' which is what he has done and continues to do.

He's got you believing you are the "bad guy," it's all your fault and he needs to protect himself from you. 

What a load of @#$%!!

HE'S the liar, he's the cheater, you need to get away from this "person" ASAP.

I'm sorry you are going through this, especially now. 

Please take care of yourself and good luck with your baby. 

 

[basil67]

If I understand correctly, this all came to light just two weeks ago.   Such a short time to process so much!  I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you.

To answer your question, your reaction is proportionate to the crime.  Him talking about needing sympathy and understanding for being discovered to have two women on the side is just gaslighting.   Now that you know the truth, and are seeing no contrition on his part whatsoever, it's time to start making plans for a life without him.  First things first, go an speak to a lawyer to find out how best to manage it

[BaileyB]

21 hours ago, Kelly8181 said:

His primary conclusion of the conflict is that I hurt him so bad, that he no longer can trust that I will take care of his feelings and his best interests. He feels he needs to protect himself against me or put his guard up now, as this conflict has showed him that I have a very selfish side, where I don’t put him into consideration as he always does with me.

This man has been meeting two other women regularly during your relationship. He has admitted that he has feelings for one and he has complained to the other about you… and yet somehow, you are the selfish one? You are the one who can no longer be trusted? 

I’m sorry, I know that you are pregnant and due very soon but I would pack my things and leave today. This relationship would be done. Do you have somewhere you can go - a close friend or family member who could support you as you give birth? 

[BaileyB]

21 hours ago, Kelly8181 said:

After I confronted him he wrote me a long and convincing mail and explained the reason why he was hiding his phone from me, was because I was jealous and would overreact if saw him texting with female friends I didn’t knew about.

Of course you are going to “overreact” when you learn that he is texting other women - men in relationships and not supposed to be texting and meeting other women at their homes. 

21 hours ago, Kelly8181 said:

He said the first one was mainly a platonic relationship with a woman he had dated not long before we met. Through all of our relationship, they been meeting for coffee at her place every 2-3 month, just for a friendly chat, but a few times the goodbye hugs had been a bit too long. He kept her a secret from me because he still had some feelings for her he couldn’t turn off.

I do not believe that they met for coffee and a friendly chat, with a hug goodbye. Even still, this is very inappropriate for a man in a relationship. 

21 hours ago, Kelly8181 said:

The other relationship he had, was with a woman he kissed at a party while I was 4 month pregnant, they had about a week of intense text exchange, which ended in a meeting at her place, where nothing physical happened.

Again, I don’t believe that. 

21 hours ago, Kelly8181 said:

I talked to her, and she told me that he had said some really bad and degrading things about me, and how he was stuck with me and rather would start something up with her.

Beside the inappropriate relationships/meeting with other women, this is the other reason why you should end the relationship. 

21 hours ago, Kelly8181 said:

He feels that my behaviour was unacceptable and showed a complete lack of empathy from my side, because I didn’t considered how hard this was for him. No matter what he had done, if I really loved him I should have seen and cared for how he felt in the conflict, as this had been the worst experience of his life.

Indeed, it’s hard for him to be caught stepping out. Poor guy, you should feel badly for him. If you really loved him, you would be thinking of him and not yourself right now. Please. He is the offender, you are the victim here. 

21 hours ago, Kelly8181 said:

He wasn’t happy in our relationship at that point and just needed to let some steam out and get some comfort from the other woman.

It goes without saying that there are other ways to let some steam out than texting and meeting other women. If this is his chosen coping strategy every time he feels stressed or unhappy at home, that should be a HUGE warning sign as you prepare to have a baby. 

Edited September 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

21 hours ago, Kelly8181 said:

Dear anyone out there.

I’m in a terrible position, where me and my boyfriend is about to split up just weeks before we are having a baby. I’m so confused about the whole thing, and I’m desperate to figure out if there is something in our conflict I misunderstood, or if its him that is off here. I would be so grateful for whatever feedback I can get!

Our conflict is about cheating, and started 2 weeks ago when I got suspicious about why he has been so private with his phone during the 3 years we’ve been together. After I confronted him he wrote me a long and convincing mail and explained the reason why he was hiding his phone from me, was because I was jealous and would overreact if saw him texting with female friends I didn’t knew about. He felt my suspiciousness was indirectly accusing him of bad behaviour, which was uncalled for as he would never be disloyal to me or do anything that would break our trust.

However, I could still feel he was hiding something, and this became the start of a 10 day long and crazy conflict, with him lying to me so massively and repeatedly that I was loosing my sense of what was right and couldn’t tell up from down anymore. Everyday I caught him in a new lie, and everyday he would swear that he was done lying, only just to keep lying to me again the next day.

This continued for a week and drove me out on the edge of what I could handle, especially so close to birth with all my primal instincts screaming for the loyalty and safety I thought we had. Everyday a new piece of information came to light and by the end of the 10 days, it was clear that he had had 2 relationships behind my back. He said the first one was mainly a platonic relationship with a woman he had dated not long before we met. Through all of our relationship, they been meeting for coffee at her place every 2-3 month, just for a friendly chat, but a few times the goodbye hugs had been a bit too long. As he had regularly deleted their text correspondence, I ask him to recreate it, and a text came up where he wrote that the reason he kept her a secret from me, was because he still had some feelings for her he couldn’t turn off.

I know many people think that you shouldn’t ask to see your partners private phone, but at this point there had been so many lies, that I felt it was my only option to get to the truth. The other relationship he had, was with a woman he kissed at a party while I was 4 month pregnant, they had about a week of intense text exchange, which ended in a meeting at her place, where nothing physical happened. I talked to her, and she told me that he had said some really bad and degrading things about me, and how he was stuck with me and rather would start something up with her.

When I finally found out the truth after all the lies, I flipped and showed aggressiveness that he’d never seen in me, as I threw a watermelon to the floor and hit him on his shoulder, which I know was not ok and apologised for right away. I also called him a coward and a liar and let him know that I thought what he was doing to me was terrible, but I never used any swearing or degrading profanity words. However, he feels that my behaviour and the week long cross-examination was unacceptable and showed a complete lack of empathy from my side, because I didn’t considered how hard this was for him. No matter what he had done, if I really loved him I should have seen and cared for how he felt in the conflict, as this had been the worst experience of his life. We had been eating and sleeping very little the 10 days, and he felt I should have stopped the constant interrogation and see how bad it was hurting him. 

He says all the lies was his attempt to not make things worse as he didn’t want to lose me, and it seems like he is somewhat ok with his behaviour. He also don’t seem to think that the secrets, cheating and what he said about me was that bad, and explained it with, that he wasn’t happy in our relationship at that point and just needed to let some steam out and get some comfort from the other woman.

His primary conclusion of the conflict is that I hurt him so bad, that he no longer can trust that I will take care of his feelings and his best interests. He feels he needs to protect himself against me or put his guard up now, as this conflict has showed him that I have a very selfish side, where I don’t put him into consideration as he always does with me. Is he right? Was my actions really that bad? And what about his own actions? By now I am so confused and in shock because, despite of how crazy this whole conflict sounds, we’ve been having a really loving and respectful relationship for 3 years and both wanted to start a family together. I feel I have lost my better judgment right now, and would be so grateful for any honest feedback on this conflict, no matter if it’s me who is in the wrong here.

He’s been withdrawing for awhile and may have always felt uneasy about you. When he says he doesn’t feel safe around you or that you care about his emotions I’d also consider whether he’s inherently anxious by nature and has other mental health issues that predate your relationship. This relationship has not been working for awhile. 

You became pregnant and he felt it was his duty to stay with you but his lying was unacceptable. There are many ways to reconcile a pregnancy and remain a good father yet preserve one’s integrity as a person. He executed this poorly and now can’t seem to handle the fall out and account for his wrongdoings in an appropriate manner. That’s why he appears blithe and unremorseful. There’s too much resentment on his side to be sorry and some of that may have nothing to do with you at all and his own personal issues/ the way he conducts his life/ his lack of integrity as a person for many years. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your priority is your baby and you, the health of the two of you. He may be a good father and not a good partner and the decision to end the relationship is your call. I’d think about what impact being around someone with low integrity would have on you and rethink things.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/2/2022 at 5:59 PM, Kelly8181 said:

this conflict has showed him that I have a very selfish side, where I don’t put him into consideration as he always does with me. Is he right?

He couldn't be more wrong if he also told you the sky is sparkly green. 

This man is awful. He's been cheating and lying, and now he's gaslighting the hell out of you and making it your fault that the relationship is falling apart. I am sorry you're dealing with this, but you need to end this. He doesn't love you the way a partner should, let alone the father of your baby. He doesn't even have basic respect for you. 

I would start making my exit plan. And I would speak to a good lawyer because you will need one to help you sort out custody and child support. 

[BaileyB]

On 9/2/2022 at 10:59 AM, Kelly8181 said:

this conflict has showed him that I have a very selfish side, where I don’t put him into consideration as he always does with me.

I would ask him in what way was he considering you when he was texting and visiting other women? 

On 9/2/2022 at 10:59 AM, Kelly8181 said:

He says all the lies was his attempt to not make things worse as he didn’t want to lose me,

Ah, he was being considerate when he lied to you and his the fact that he was behaving badly, texting and visiting other women… that was for YOUR benefit, not his. Good gracious. 

It goes without saying that if he was considering you he wouldn’t be texting and visiting other women. That is a basic consideration that most men afford their wives/girlfriends when they are in a serious relationship. The fact that he doesn’t believe that you are owed this consideration - that would be a huge problem for me. 

[chrysalis3]

22 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry, I know that you are pregnant and due very soon but I would pack my things and leave today.

I agree! Op you should leave. How is this healthy? 

[Will am I]

On 9/2/2022 at 5:59 PM, Kelly8181 said:

His primary conclusion of the conflict is that I hurt him so bad, that he no longer can trust that I will take care of his feelings and his best interests.

This would be the big red flag for me.

He shows some questionable behaviour. (I'm using the softest words because I don't know all the details and we did not get a chance to read the other side of the story. but "questionable" is the very least of words).

Then he gets in a big fight with his pregnant girlfriend. 

And now she's the one to blame? Because he's not feeling safe?

 

 

This kind of victim blaming and twisting of truth and adoption of the victim roll is telltale narcissist behaviour. I don't feel I am in a position to give you an advice @Kelly8181, but if I did advice it would be to run, leave your relationship and rely on your family and friends for support. 

 

[Starswillshine]

Oh honey. Hugs. 

No, he is not wrong. He has trained you to believe any reactions you have to his poor behavior is inappropriate. You are even apolozing for having gone through his phone. All of this is gaslighting. And I can promise you, none of it will get better. It is manipulation at every level. I know you are expecting a baby soon together, but please start to look how to leave this relationship and be on your own. It will hurt like hell, but it beats pouring yourself into this relationship, swallowing any hurts and disappointments so as to not rock the boat, and spending years feeling like you are the crazy, jealous, insecure one. Unfortunately I speak from experience. My ex husband tried the same lines when he was exposed as well. Kind of disturbing how identical his excuses were. He even wrote most of it in a long drawn out letter. He could no longer trust me, he kept it from me because I was jealous and insecure, blah blah blah... 

You are NOT crazy. You are just with someone who is manipulating you and it makes you question yourself, your reality, and what is real and what is not. 20 years I spent with a man like this. I promise it never gets better.