After getting divorced female friend doesn't want to get together. Wrong to bother asking 1 more time?

[max3732]

There was someone I used to play sports with in a group and also 1 on 1 on a pretty regular basis who was married with 2 kids and I'm a single guy. 

After she got divorced I asked her to play and she said she had this or that going on and couldn't do it. Then I saw her a few months later and she told me was thinking about me and wanting to get together to play. I asked her and got the same thing about being busy with people visiting, her kids, or whatever. I kind of thought she would reach out to me when things settled down but never did.

The other day I was driving by her neighborhood (she lives like 2 minutes away) and was just wondering what's going on with her. Could I have said or done something that offended her that just happened to coincide with her divorce? After years of playing sports and also going out with groups to dinner and everything she doesn't want to have anything to do with me? Does she think that now that she's single I'd try to date her or something? I have 0 interest in that.

After getting told she's busy twice over that much time would it be socially wrong to reach out and just ask how she's doing and if she'd want to play? It's probably been over 6 months since I last asked her. We also have some mutual friends so I don't want to come across weird.

[stillafool]

 

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

After getting told she's busy twice over that much time would it be socially wrong to reach out and just ask how she's doing and if she'd want to play? It's probably been over 6 months since I last asked her. We also have some mutual friends so I don't want to come across weird.

No do not reach out again.  She may have been so busy with her life after the divorce, met someone and got involved, thinks you want to date but is not interested and doesn't want to lead you on, or all of the above.  Next time you see her in person ask her how she's doing and if she brings up the sport, say "sure, just let me know when you want to do it" and change the subject so she'll realize you don't want to date her.  Say bye and leave.  Why are you so intent on playing the sport with her?  Are there other people you can play with?

Edited September 3, 2022 by stillafool

[max3732]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

No do not reach out again.  She may have been so busy with her life after the divorce, met someone and got involved, thinks you want to date but is not interested and doesn't want to lead you on, or all of the above.  Next time you see her in person ask her how she's doing and if she brings up the sport, say "sure, just let me know when you want to do it" and change the subject so she'll realize you don't want to date her.  Say bye and leave.  Why are you so intent on playing the sport with her?  Are there other people you can play with?

There are other people but she lives really close so it's very convenient. Plus she's close to my level and I always had a lot of fun. We competed together and won a tournament and it just surprised me that she pulled away like that. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, max3732 said:

We competed together and won a tournament and it just surprised me that she pulled away like that. 

Well since you competed and won together chances are she's probably involved in a relationship and doesn't have time right now.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

It's probably been over 6 months since I last asked her. We also have some mutual friends so I don't want to come across weird.

She's going through a lot and that may include rearranging her friendships after divorce. She knows your contact info so let the dust settle.

[ShyViolet]

It would be too much to ask her again, when she's already blown you off twice by saying she's "busy."  Don't ever chase someone who has little or no interest in you, whether it's in the context of friendship or dating.  If she was interested, you would know.  Just leave it alone.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're over-worrying this one.

Look, all the time--ALL the time--people desire to exercise more, read more, get out more, see friends more, go to the movies more--whatever! And so so often, their lives are too messy to do this thing.

I have no doubt that thought about playing with you. 

I also have no doubt that her life isn't ready for that. One needy kid can hijack a parent's life. A needy kid and a tough boss can hijack your life. Haven't you wanted to do activities that you didn't follow through on.

Now, you are right: she is not romantically interested in you, if that's a question you have. But again, sometimes people's lives are so messy that they avoid dating out of the hope that things will soon settle down. 

She knows who you are and how to reach you I assume. Calling her is a waste of time, even annoying. She will let you know when she's ready to play. You'll get a call or a message. You think she's somehow forgotten the offer from you, or the idea to play. No, people don't forget that. 

[Alpacalia]

I think she may have thought you were romantically interested in her recently divorced and she was not interested.

Keep it in perspective.

The divorce process must be quite a rollercoaster, and I'm sure she's just focused on getting her life back on track.

If she's interested in getting together, she'll probably get back to you when things calm down a bit for her.