Breakup - what would you do

[CastleClash]

So maybe my story is not one of the long ones, where a breakup happened after years, but just as hurtful to me.

I've been in the talking stage with a woman for months via texts, due to COVID and her living in another city, we haven't seen each other often and I wasn't sure if she wanted anything more. Then during this summer we have started dating, hand in hand, kisses and all that. After 2 weeks she told me she likes me and I have good qualities what she wants in her man, but doesn't love me yet, 2 weeks after she broke up with me. 

During that 1 month of dating I've learned she was texting her ex once in a while (they broke up 4 years ago) and she was also on a dating site (however she claims she wasn't searching for anything and she did send me screenshots, that she wasn't replying to anyone, but I didn't understand why she was there in the first place).

She is emotionally unavailable, to me for unknown reasons, since she claims she has never seen her ex since breakup and doesn't want to revisit that). According to her, she has not fallen in love with anyone since that breakup - which was over 4 years ago.

Should I remain in No Contact? I didn't beg her after the breakup, however I did propose that we could try it in a different way, but she didn't want that. She broke up with the typical its not you its me thing and that she didn't want to hurt me, later she communicated it differently and said the flame wasn't there, and physically I wasn't exactly what she would want.

We are in no contact for over 2 weeks now.

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, CastleClash said:

Should I remain in No Contact? I

Yes.  She broke up with you so don't chase her.  If she wants to get back with you she will let you know and contact you.  You didn't say what happened to make her finally break up with you after telling you she doesn't love you yet.  What happened?.

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, CastleClash said:

Should I remain in No Contact?

Yes. There are other women to date - no need to pursue someone who is not interested. 

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, CastleClash said:

During that 1 month of dating I've learned she was texting her ex once in a while (they broke up 4 years ago) and she was also on a dating site (however she claims she wasn't searching for anything and she did send me screenshots, that she wasn't replying to anyone, but I didn't understand why she was there in the first place).We are in no contact for over 2 weeks now.

Sorry this happened. She's on dating sites, dating her ex and is not who you thought she was from the text-relationship. Let it go, she is not a good risk to take.

[CastleClash]

31 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes.  She broke up with you so don't chase her.  If she wants to get back with you she will let you know and contact you.  You didn't say what happened to make her finally break up with you after telling you she doesn't love you yet.  What happened?.

Nothing really, I was on a business trip for a week and according to her she realised that she didn't miss me at all and didn't want to waste my time. I didn't see this coming, I was naively thinking that if we would see each other more then eventually she would start feeling something, but it was over. I thought she would give it more time.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, CastleClash said:

Nothing really, I was on a business trip for a week and according to her she realised that she didn't miss me at all and didn't want to waste my time. I didn't see this coming, I was naively thinking that if we would see each other more then eventually she would start feeling something, but it was over. I thought she would give it more time.

Okay no, don't do anything else.  She's just not into you and really there is nothing more you can do to change that at this point.  I'm sorry, it happens but the good news is there are plenty of other women who will be into you so start dating others.  Good luck.

[Amanda92]

I'm in the same situation. Texting for months, dating several weeks, then my trip when he didn't miss me and decided not to waste our time since he doesn't love me. He also didn't have any feelings to anyone for the last 5 years.

I struggle with accepting that because we had a great time together, he was very affectionate and sweet. I miss him everyday, but I know I deserve someone who wants me.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, CastleClash said:

Should I remain in No Contact?

Yes. 

I'm sorry OP, but there's nothing here to work with. She's been clear she doesn't want to keep dating, and she's also been very direct about her reasons why. You would be wasting your time sitting around hoping something changes. It's not going to happen. 

I would delete her everywhere and find someone else. 

[CastleClash]

1 hour ago, Amanda92 said:

I'm in the same situation. Texting for months, dating several weeks, then my trip when he didn't miss me and decided not to waste our time since he doesn't love me. He also didn't have any feelings to anyone for the last 5 years.

I struggle with accepting that because we had a great time together, he was very affectionate and sweet. I miss him everyday, but I know I deserve someone who wants me.

To be honest, I've been in this situation on the other side aswell. I was dating a woman years ago and my feelings towards her were not as strong as I would have wanted them to be, but still decided to give it a try, it lasted about 5 months (it got better after time) and decided to break up with her. I said the same pathetic excuse I got right now, "its not you, its me", "I will be happy if you find someone better", "I can't give you what you want", while in reality I just thought that I could find someone better.

And the thing about "They always return", I aswell after a heartbreak contacted her after 8 months thinking "well crap, maybe I can't find someone better." Luckily she was already seeing someone, maybe I would have hurt her more with another try.

Now I don't know if THIS going to happen to me or you, but I feel like people who are set out to find someone better and get their heart broken will always remember that you were there for them and will try to contact you. When the time comes the ball will be in my corner and yours and we get to decide if we want a fresh start with them or not. Too bad people mostly realize what they lost waaay too late after you've moved on.

Edited September 4, 2022 by CastleClash

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, CastleClash said:

  I aswell after a heartbreak contacted her after 8 months thinking "well crap, maybe I can't find someone better." Luckily she was already seeing someone, maybe I would have hurt her more with another try.

Agree. Whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own reasons such as boredom, struck out elsewhere, dry spell, convenient sex, etc. That is why moving forward along with blocking and deleting an ex is the best approach. You'll be fine.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own reasons such as boredom, struck out elsewhere, dry spell, convenient sex, etc.

This. 

It's not usually because they "realize what they've lost." It's often because you'll do in the meantime, as they're still looking for the person they want on a longer-term basis. 

[Lotsgoingon]

She has been emotionally unavailable--your words. Why would you want to cultivate further contact with her? Is it sex? I ask with criticism--just to say it's self-abusive to pursue someone who is emotionally available.  

 

[CastleClash]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

She has been emotionally unavailable--your words. Why would you want to cultivate further contact with her? Is it sex? I ask with criticism--just to say it's self-abusive to pursue someone who is emotionally available.  

 

No, not sex and not self-abuse. After talking with someone every day for months you grow attached to that person and the feelings won't magically disappear into thin air after a breakup. Sad thing really.

[Lotsgoingon]

Hold on: if someone is emotionally unavailable, then talking to them is unsatisfying.

Which is it: is she emotionally unavailable? Or is she a supportive and open great friend to talk to? If the conversations were as open as you suggest, then you'd not have questions about her ex and all of that. 

 

[glows]

She doesn’t sound attracted to you, emotionally or physically. I don’t see why she would expect to miss you after only a month or so of dating. That’s a red flag even if it’s a paltry excuse. It suggests a person too mired in chaotic relationships. Missing someone after a month seems ridiculous as you hardly know that person.

You say you’ve been chatting and texting for months and it might have set up a sense of false intimacy. Unfortunately she’s just not available or isn’t interested so let this one go. 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, CastleClash said:

No, not sex and not self-abuse. After talking with someone every day for months you grow attached to that person and the feelings won't magically disappear into thin air after a breakup. Sad thing really.

But you had no problem leaving and not contacting that other girl you just weren't feeling it with, so you can do it you just don't want to give up on her.  That is your ego.  She's already let you go.  I agree with others that when someone is not into you they rarely decide later that they now want you back.

[ShyViolet]

There is nothing to talk about here.  This woman couldn't have made it clearer that she's not interested in you.  Don't compromise your self-respect and dignity by chasing someone who doesn't want you.  Leave her in the past.  You can have hurt feelings over it, but that doesn't mean contacting her again would be a good idea.