I'm a bit baffled, mixed signals?

[JFReyes]

My female partner of almost 8 years (both 55+, living separately) broke up with me because I had a brief EA with an old friend (40+ year friendship). I admitted it, apologized for it, and know that I want the relationship over the friendship. D-Day was a month ago and she is still angry -- which I understand. However, we have been talking, in contact since then. I really want to mend our relationship or better yet, build a new and better one. However, she says that right now there's no chance of that yet we've gone to salsa class together since then, and that only time will tell. She'll go on a trip for a couple of weeks with her family after which she said she'll have a definite answer for our future together. What do I make of all this? Thanks for your suggestions on how to fix things, or else move on. I know I screwed up but want to fix things and will do whatever it takes,

 

Edited September 3, 2022 by JFReyes

[stillafool]

My advice would be to back off until she reaches out to you to give you her decision.  Stop the dating (salsa, dinner or whatever) until you get a decision one way or the other.  If her decision is no she does not want to get back together go complete NC with her.  Move on and start dating other women.  She will miss you and start coming around.  Trust me on this one.  You were in an emotional affair behind her back with your ex.  Not cool dude.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, JFReyes said:

 she is still angry -- which I understand.  yet we've gone to salsa class together since then, and that only time will tell. She'll go on a trip for a couple of weeks with her family after which she said she'll have a definite answer for our future together.

She wants you to sweat for a while because she is still angry. Give her space, you've apologized? 

[JFReyes]

Understood guys, will do... I've done NC before with previous partners so I know I won't be easy. I understand and accept my mistake and I've apologized from the heart.

 

Edited September 3, 2022 by JFReyes

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, JFReyes said:

I really want to mend our relationship or better yet, build a new and better one

This isn't realistic, OP. 

You can't erase the past and just start over. You changed the goalposts when you had an EA, and she won't be able to just wipe the slate clean. That will always be part of your story now. 

All you can do is be patient and understand she is likely experiencing all kinds of ups and downs: wanting to be with you and feeling nostalgic for the good times, but also being incredibly hurt by you and not seeing you the same way now. You should realize she likely isn't trying to give mixed signals - she's riding the waves of her own pain here. She'll have her "up" moments, followed by moments in which she wants nothing to do with you. 

Give her some time. It might not come back together but spend some time reflecting now: what led you here? Where along the way did you give yourself permission to get too close to another woman? What was going through your mind there?

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, JFReyes said:

. I understand and accept my mistake and I've apologized from the heart.

Ok. Let the dust settle and let her reach out upon her return. Decide how long you want to be in the doghouse if she is going to continue to see you but be angry.

[JFReyes]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This isn't realistic, OP. 

You can't erase the past and just start over. You changed the goalposts when you had an EA, and she won't be able to just wipe the slate clean. That will always be part of your story now. 

All you can do is be patient and understand she is likely experiencing all kinds of ups and downs: wanting to be with you and feeling nostalgic for the good times, but also being incredibly hurt by you and not seeing you the same way now. You should realize she likely isn't trying to give mixed signals - she's riding the waves of her own pain here. She'll have her "up" moments, followed by moments in which she wants nothing to do with you. 

Give her some time. It might not come back together but spend some time reflecting now: what led you here? Where along the way did you give yourself permission to get too close to another woman? What was going through your mind there?

That makes sense -- riding the waves of her own pain. I've known the AP over 40 years and my ex for less than 8. What led me here was a feeling of loneliness. I know I screwed up and will face the consequences; everything will turn out ok for everyone eventually...

[JFReyes]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Let the dust settle and let her reach out upon her return. Decide how long you want to be in the doghouse if she is going to continue to see you but be angry.

Understood. One thing I'm clear about is that no matter what happens I'm not going to continue with my AP.

[ExpatInItaly]

34 minutes ago, JFReyes said:

What led me here was a feeling of loneliness

This stood out to me. 

What had been going on in your relationship that you felt so lonely? 

[JFReyes]

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This stood out to me. 

What had been going on in your relationship that you felt so lonely? 

We don't live together as she has adult daughters living at home, while I live alone. During this time I have been supporting my son who survived brain cancer, praise the Lord. For a year now, our free time was increasingly spent apart even though I complained about it. She complained that I started drinking and it wasn't fun to be around. My bad, but for 7 years prior she was ok with it. I reckon that people change; both of us did. This was my third LTR and I never cheated before, nor will again.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, JFReyes said:

We don't live together as she has adult daughters living at home, while I live alone. During this time I have been supporting my son who survived brain cancer, praise the Lord. For a year now, our free time was increasingly spent apart even though I complained about it. She complained that I started drinking and it wasn't fun to be around. My bad, but for 7 years prior she was ok with it. 

My goodness. What a tough experience, but wonderful to hear he survived. 

Given what you have written above, perhaps this would be a good time to really ask yourself how viable this relationship really is anymore. It sounds as though you had been drifting apart for a while. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Back up here: every close friendship with someone is not an emotional affair. This sounds too simple. I was bad. I said so. I want her back. 

Something is missing here.

 

[glows]

18 hours ago, JFReyes said:

My female partner of almost 8 years (both 55+, living separately) broke up with me because I had a brief EA with an old friend (40+ year friendship). I admitted it, apologized for it, and know that I want the relationship over the friendship. D-Day was a month ago and she is still angry -- which I understand. However, we have been talking, in contact since then. I really want to mend our relationship or better yet, build a new and better one. However, she says that right now there's no chance of that yet we've gone to salsa class together since then, and that only time will tell. She'll go on a trip for a couple of weeks with her family after which she said she'll have a definite answer for our future together. What do I make of all this? Thanks for your suggestions on how to fix things, or else move on. I know I screwed up but want to fix things and will do whatever it takes,

 

You’ll have to be prepared that nothing will fix this as she may not see you the same way again. 

An apology may not be enough and that’s up to her. What caused the EA in the first place and that emotional disconnect? In order to reconcile there has to be some desire or interest in trusting you again or some viability in the relationship. She has to believe in you. Usually that is lost in affairs or breaches of trust. I wouldn’t hold out any hope for this. 

There’s also a good chance she continues to string you along until she finds someone else who hasn’t let her down.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Back up here: every close friendship with someone is not an emotional affair. This sounds too simple. I was bad. I said so. I want her back. Something is missing here.

Agree. It sounds more like a friendship but you told your GF it was an affair to push her away because of the drinking. Check out AA. Online or in person. It may help with the loneliness and turning to drinking.

40 minutes ago, JFReyes said:

She complained that I started drinking and it wasn't fun to be around. My bad, but for 7 years prior she was ok with it.

 

Edited September 4, 2022 by Wiseman2

[JFReyes]

24 minutes ago, glows said:

You’ll have to be prepared that nothing will fix this as she may not see you the same way again. 

An apology may not be enough and that’s up to her. What caused the EA in the first place and that emotional disconnect? In order to reconcile there has to be some desire or interest in trusting you again or some viability in the relationship. She has to believe in you. Usually that is lost in affairs or breaches of trust. I wouldn’t hold out any hope for this. 

There’s also a good chance she continues to string you along until she finds someone else who hasn’t let her down.

I agree that maybe nothing will fix this and I'll try my best to prepare. Although I've known my AP for 40+ years, it wasn't a close friendship until I learned that one of her daughters also has stage 4 cancer. We started communicating frequently about our children and I guess that's when the bonding started. To this day, we haven't met in person in over 15 years.

If she strings me along until she finds someone else, so be it. I won't wait forever but for the time being I'm in no hurry to get into any other relationships.

[Amy4love]

Distance they say is healthy, so i would advice you keep distance from her atm. if she is still interested in you, she would come back and mend fences. 

[glows]

18 minutes ago, JFReyes said:

I agree that maybe nothing will fix this and I'll try my best to prepare. Although I've known my AP for 40+ years, it wasn't a close friendship until I learned that one of her daughters also has stage 4 cancer. We started communicating frequently about our children and I guess that's when the bonding started. To this day, we haven't met in person in over 15 years.

If she strings me along until she finds someone else, so be it. I won't wait forever but for the time being I'm in no hurry to get into any other relationships.

This really isn’t about the affair or cancer or someone else. I know how disgusting a disease and what cancer does, what it looks like, what it smells like and how devastating it is to patients and loved ones so I empathize very deeply with you but this has more to do with the loss of compatibility and no longer seeing eye to eye with your partner. It’s that you both grew apart in the relationship. This also begs the question why you’d still want to be with her if she dislikes your drinking. I’d take the time especially now to rethink things and how you’ve both grown apart. Are you seeking help or want to become sober? That’s work you have to do with yourself. If you can’t see eye to eye or are disagreeing on fundamental beliefs/values, it doesn’t matter whether she forgives or overlooks the affair. You’ll always be butting heads and growing apart.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ditto @glows^^^^^. I'm not seeing any reason why you really want this woman back.

[JFReyes]

12 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Ditto @glows^^^^^. I'm not seeing any reason why you really want this woman back.

She is not a bad person, just difficult to deal with because of her upbringing and fate - widowed with small children (back then) and no family support. That's all in the past but I reckon it's still in her psyche.

[JFReyes]

42 minutes ago, glows said:

This really isn’t about the affair or cancer or someone else. I know how disgusting a disease and what cancer does, what it looks like, what it smells like and how devastating it is to patients and loved ones so I empathize very deeply with you but this has more to do with the loss of compatibility and no longer seeing eye to eye with your partner. It’s that you both grew apart in the relationship. This also begs the question why you’d still want to be with her if she dislikes your drinking. I’d take the time especially now to rethink things and how you’ve both grown apart. Are you seeking help or want to become sober? That’s work you have to do with yourself. If you can’t see eye to eye or are disagreeing on fundamental beliefs/values, it doesn’t matter whether she forgives or overlooks the affair. You’ll always be butting heads and growing apart.

Yes, we've grown apart. Maybe I'm just scared because I'm 62 and although I never say never, I'm realistic about my chances of meeting another companion-for-life. It's not going to be easy. I believe I am handling my drinking problem because I'm functional and productive, but I recognize it's a hurdle. She previously told me that she wouldn't marry me for reasons I won't disclose but weren't about our relationship. And as long as her daughters depended on her, we couldn't live together, which I understand. My son contributed to the breakup of my last LTR which lasted 10 years. I want to give us another chance under a new "compact"; if it doesn't happen then I'll move on...

Edited September 4, 2022 by JFReyes

[glows]

3 minutes ago, JFReyes said:

Yes, we've grown apart. Maybe I'm just scared because I'm 62 and although I never say never, I'm realistic about my chances of meeting another companion-for-life. It's not going to be easy. I believe I am handling my drinking problem because I'm functional and productive, but I recognize it's a hurdle. Only time will tell... Thanks...

There’s more to life than meeting a companion. Wiseman mentioned finding support staying sober and also recognizing loneliness. The concern may also be finding low quality companionship/partners not having fully dealt with your drinking or feeling confident to move through life independently. Whether a companion comes or not, make peace anyway with yourself and find your confidence and faith to move forward.

[JFReyes]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

There’s more to life than meeting a companion. Wiseman mentioned finding support staying sober and also recognizing loneliness. The concern may also be finding low quality companionship/partners not having fully dealt with your drinking or feeling confident to move through life independently. Whether a companion comes or not, make peace anyway with yourself and find your confidence and faith to move forward.

Make peace with myself, that's been my lifelong struggle.

[JFReyes]

I'm looking to adopt a dog; I also kept a saltwater aquarium. Maybe these will help with my loneliness.

[JFReyes]

3 hours ago, Amy4love said:

Distance they say is healthy, so i would advice you keep distance from her atm. if she is still interested in you, she would come back and mend fences. 

I surely hope so, thanks...

[Lotsgoingon]

A dog ain't destructive, but you do need to get out and form some friendships. I know: easier said than done.