Instant connections are real?

[Will am I]

14 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Gaeta, how long after you met did this begin happening? 

I think I'd feel totally suffocated by all that attention so early in nor would I trust it. 

I was thinking the same. If you only just met and he's all over you like this... that sounds like lovebombing.

But maybe the thing has been going on for a little while and he's really fallen in love.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It's like going from one extreme to the other.

Since the last man you dated disappeared. 

It wasn't too long ago that you dated someone who you really liked for four months. How long did you give yourself to process that? 

Last man came back and tried to bait me by pretending needing a friend to talk. I did not fall in his trap. 

In my last thread l mentionned several times l liked him but l was not into him. We were dating but not officially. 

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, poppyfields said:

So who's this new man?  Are you into him? 

If so, I'm happy for you!  Relax and enjoy. 😍

Oh man! I knew you'd ask this lol, don't rain on my parade because of his age ok? 😉 He's 49 (his ex of many years is my age), a researcher, 2 daughters. He's smart, funny as hell, and soooooo handsome! When is the last time I dated a man I found attractive? too long ago! I spent the last year dating men I wasn't into in the hope I'd grew attracted to them. 

Big YEP I'm into him! but if he disappears tomorrow morning I'll be ok. 

[Gaeta]

56 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I was thinking the same. If you only just met and he's all over you like this... that sounds like lovebombing.

But maybe the thing has been going on for a little while and he's really fallen in love.

But I don't feel suffocated for now, he doesn't talk for long, he's not monopolizing my time.

I looked lovebombing definition and I found this

1. Give you constant compliments

2. Bombard you with gifts

3. Relationship feels too intense with ILY very quickly, wanting to meet your parents, talking of marriage

4.Wanting all of your attention, need to know where you are

5. Your boundaries upsets them.

Nothing of that is going on. And in terms of when it started, we connected like 10 days ago online. I had a weekend out of town so we could not meet, He offered to meet upon my return in town and I said (thinking of what @poppyfields said somewhere on here about being more thourough with these men before meeting) instead of rushing through traffic after work, and he works later than me, I offered we get to learn a bit about each other this week and we meet the following weekend. So we spent last week video calling and we discovered we had a lot of common interests, we were looking for the same thing, and we found the other one attractive, interesting, funny.

So we met last Friday and we hit if off instantly, coffee turned into dinner, he wanted to stay downtown longer but I insisted we be reasonable, he was driving long hours that night to go pick up his daughter at her grand parents 3 hours away. We kept in touch through the weekend, he got back last night. Today we both have things to take care of so if time allows we might have dinner tonight, if not it will be sometime this week after work. Of course he'll say things like I can't wait to see you again but he's reasonable and not pushy at all. 

 

[Will am I]

Then what are your concerns? This seems like something beautiful developing!

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Then what are your concerns? This seems like something beautiful developing!

My concern is I can't fully enjoy it because it's probably another 'fake instant connection'. I know, nothing much you guys can say, it's all up there in between my ears. I hate being disillusioned, I hate it sooo much!

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My concern is I can't fully enjoy it because it's probably another 'fake instant connection'. I know, nothing much you guys can say, it's all up there in between my ears. I hate being disillusioned, I hate it sooo much!

It's been one date that went really well, a possible meet up this week and communication in between? That is rather par for the course in the beginning when there is mutual interest. All you need to do is pace yourself and take your time getting to know him. 

[Will am I]

Yep. Give the guy a chance and allow the thing to develop at the pace that you're comfortable with. If this is a good man, he will be understanding that you have been hurt in the past and allow you the time you need.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Last man came back and tried to bait me by pretending needing a friend to talk. I did not fall in his trap. 

In my last thread l mentionned several times l liked him but l was not into him. We were dating but not officially. 

That thread about him and now your question certainly paints a different story.

In any event.

Good luck!

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

That thread about him and now your question certainly paints a different story.

In any event.

Good luck!

What?

You asked me about last guy. It's all in my last thread. Not creating anything new.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

My concern is I can't fully enjoy it because it's probably another 'fake instant connection'. I know, nothing much you guys can say, it's all up there in between my ears. I hate being disillusioned, I hate it sooo much!

You don’t really have a choice at this point. You’re going to either have to embrace Buddhism (doesn’t really seem your style) or live with the early stage worries you’re having. It’s way too early to be invested at all, but your inability to enjoy it suggests you’re already invested. If you weren’t invested in the outcome you would just be able to enjoy the moment. 

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What?

You asked me about last guy. It's all in my last thread. Not creating anything new.

Having started a thread on him and dating him for four months, you now claim you weren't into him.

After he disappeared in the midst of dating you.

Fine.

So why are you afraid of becoming disillusioned with this man in particular?

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

You don’t really have a choice at this point. You’re going to either have to embrace Buddhism (doesn’t really seem your style) or live with the early stage worries you’re having. It’s way too early to be invested at all, but your inability to enjoy it suggests you’re already invested. If you weren’t invested in the outcome you would just be able to enjoy the moment. 

I actually read a few books on buddhism and do my best to remain in the moment. 

I'm not invested. I know a lot of stories on here are about overly invested people but it's not my problem. My problem is the opposite, l'm disillussionned and guarded. One cannot created a bond while guarded. 

I barely initiate contact with him because in my mind when l like someone they disappear anyway.

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Having started a thread on him and dating him for four months, you now claim you weren't into him.

After he disappeared in the midst of dating you

So why are you afraid of becoming disillusioned with this man in particular?

Reread my thread where this last man considered me uninvested, guarded and diffucult. I also said several times in my last thread l liked him but l was not into him. I created the thread about him not communicating with me during his vacation because l was used to his attention, used to having him to go out with, used to our chit chats, but l was not sad or heart broken. 

I'm not afraid of becoming disillussionned. I'm already disillutionned. 

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Reread my thread where this last man considered me uninvested, guarded and diffucult. I also said several times in my last thread l liked him but l was not into him. I created the thread about him not communicating with me during his vacation because l was used to his attention, used to having him to go out with, used to our chit chats, but l was not sad or heart broken. 

I'm not afraid of becoming disillussionned. I'm already disillutionned. 

Okay Gaeta.

I will reread when I have some more time.

It may be worth considering: 

Maybe some of your fear is a result of the energy that you have expelled in the past that has set you up for disappointment.

Dating people you aren't into, for example.

Maybe that's why you're feeling "disillusioned."

Date men you actually like.

[Weezy1973]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I barely initiate contact with him because in my mind when l like someone they disappear anyway.

Like I said before, this will become a self fulfilling prophecy. And he might disappear. When I say don’t get too invested I mean getting to a point in your mind where you don’t worry about a guy disappearing. Realizing you can’t control it anyways. This guy could lose interest. Or meet someone he likes more. Or turn out to be a cheating jerk. Or could be a great guy and great match for you. Who knows? But there’s only one way to find out…

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm not invested...

Gaeta, just to know because it's how I choose to live my life and conduct my relationships (and now marriage) but you can be invested in the man, in your relationship while NOT being invested in the outcome.  

Read the "Law of Detachment," it's one of the seven spiritual laws of success, practiced in Buddhism and Eastern philosophy.

It does NOT mean being a cold, uncaring person, not able to 'feel' and being detached in that sense. 

It means living in the moment, enjoying the moment. 

Focusing on the journey NOT the destination. Allowing the Universe to guide you to wherever you're meant to be and with whom for however long it's meant to last. 

Sounds hokey to some but it's truly how I live my life and it's made a tremendous difference over the years.

Even in my marriage, we both take it one day at a time and are enjoying the journey, the path we are on together. 

Have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, next year, next 20 years! 

And it truly doesn't matter, I mean that sincerely.  Whatever the Universe has in store, I accept.

I find that in today's dating environment people are so hung up on "where is this going, what does this mean"?

In other words - the outcome.

No one can predict the future or the outcome, to me it's a fruitless discussion to have or even concern yourself with. 

Simply enjoy and embrace the moment, fall in love!  💘  

With that attitude, it more likely than not it will work out long term or even forever!

It's the false promises made, the expectations, the pressure to live up to some ideal defined by society that breaks people up from what I have witnessed. 

Living this way requires a great deal of trust, in both yourself and your partner, 

Trust in yourself in knowing that if it should end, you will be OK and will value and cherish what you've learned and how you've grown from the experience.

Not allowing yourself to become bitter, jaded or distrustful from it.

And trust in him knowing he's the person you want to travel down this path with. 

That he lives his life and treats you and your relationship with value, honor and integrity.

 

Edited September 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

49 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I also said several times in my last thread l liked him but l was not into him. I created the thread about him not communicating with me during his vacation because l was used to his attention, used to having him to go out with, used to our chit chats, but l was not sad or heart broken. 

This^ is how I recall that thread too G.

Later, after he broke rapport (the routine) you began missing him stating after not hearing from him in three weeks you missed hearing his voice.

I still don't believe you were ever truly into him though, from the beginning of that thread to the end. 

I didn't know he returned though, under the guise of needing your help?  

Perhaps I missed it but it doesn't matter, out with the old, in with the new! 

This new man is an entirely different person.

Try to not allow past disappointments to negatively alter the path you're on with this man. 

Edited September 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

37 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

When I say don’t get too invested I mean getting to a point in your mind where you don’t worry about a guy disappearing. Realizing you can’t control it anyways. This guy could lose interest. Or meet someone he likes more. Or turn out to be a cheating jerk. Or could be a great guy and great match for you. Who knows? But there’s only one way to find out…

Ok, l don't worry he dissapears, l interpreted it as l cannot 'care' anymore.

[Calmandfocused]

I think the problem is you put way too much pressure on yourself G. 
 

Pressure to find that Special one. 
 

I think you’re burnt out with the pressure. I think you’re desensitised to dating full stop. It’s just become a fundamental part of your life and because of this reason the fun and excitement has gone. 
 

Add into that all your recent disappointments and your left with dating deflation. No one will cut the mustard when you get to this stage. 
 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: give yourself a break. A proper dating break. Fill your life with other things and stop making dating a focal point of your life. 
 

The way I see it G is that you are not ready to meet someone right now.
 

You don’t need to find a spark with a date right now. You need to get a spark back with dating in general.
 

Not going to happen whilst you’re in the burnout stage.  

[Gaeta]

@Calmandfocused: your post really spoke to me.

Also my youngest turned 18, got in college, got a boyfriend and l'm anticipating that empty nest coming in a couple of years.

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I think the problem is you put way too much pressure on yourself G. 
 

Pressure to find that Special one. 
 

I think you’re burnt out with the pressure. I think you’re desensitised to dating full stop.

Me too.

My sincere thoughts is - if you are worried and always waiting for the other show to drop - you probably shouldn’t be dating right now. While one should be appropriately guarded (ie. no catfishers or love bombers or other deal breakers), one must approach dating with an open heart and sincere intentions or it’s not going to work. 

There is good reason why they say when you finally give up the hope that you will find “the one” and let go of the need to have a man in your life, that’s often when he presents himself. When you are truly open to the possibility but not particularly attached to the outcome, good things tend to happen. 

 

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

When you are truly open to the possibility but not particularly attached to the outcome, good things tend to happen. 

Absolutely!  

What this means to me is allowing things to emerge and unfold naturally rather than forcing them to happen.

It's about considering every moment and experience from a place of observation and with a curious mind, rather than wanting to control them or the outcome. 

Apologies if my posts come off preachy G but I believe in embracing this philosophy so much, it's helped me more than I can say, guiding me to where I am today. 

There are entire books devoted to this subject - the law of infinite possibilities.  

I don't know, maybe spend some time reading, learning new ways to embrace life, and subsequently your relationships? 

I have several recommendations if you're interested. 

 

 

Edited September 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

On 9/4/2022 at 8:37 AM, Gaeta said:

I met someone and I have no red flags to report, I have no gut instinct talking to me, I have nothing negative to get bogged down in! I can't get enough of him, he can't get enough of me

What you seem to be describing is mutual attraction and chemistry. Basically the sine qua non of dating. There's no need to compare past disappointments with the wrong/incompatible men. This is a whole new man to evaluate in a whole new way in a whole new situation.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

On 9/5/2022 at 9:49 AM, Gaeta said:

My concern is I can't fully enjoy it because it's probably another 'fake instant connection'. I know, nothing much you guys can say, it's all up there in between my ears. I hate being disillusioned, I hate it sooo much!

Why does there need to be an instant connection? Of course they are fake. You are both strangers. And you will be strangers for about 2 years of continued dating.

just forget about the instant connection and take the time to get to know him, the real him, not the “him” that you are envisioning.

I think you are too focused on the destination and missing the journey.  Think of it like an onion. You have to peel it one layer at a time.