I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[edith]

<Moderation note - updated with background material from thread duplicating similar content to later part of this thread:

 

Is my son’s coach flirting? Or is it my imagination?>

 

I’ve found out that my husband has been cheating on me for 10 YEARS. On and off, with the same woman. I’ve posted here before and have not posted in 8 years.

 

I found a different email account, going back to 2008, where it takes them hundreds of emails and 2 years to have sex. According to emails, they only had oral sex. She did not want more. The emails spanning 10 years show their break ups, when either my husband dropped her, or she dropped him. They discussed kids- she’s married with kids like us, careers, etc..

 

He offered her jobs on 3 different occasions. She denied them. (They worked in the same field.) After my husband lost his job, she contacted a group including my husband, saying she was looking for something part-time. My husband did not reply to her but saved emails asking a college buddy of his to contact her and offer her a job. He goes through these elaborate conversations to convince his buddy that the scope of the job should be big, basically trying to give her as good an opportunity as possible. These are from 3 years ago.

 

Fast forward to March, 2018. I’ve found LI messages where someone contacted him with a profile named “I Miss You”. At first he didn’t know who it was, but messages reveal that it’s the woman. She eventually tells him in May that she’s going to be moving away for the summer and can’t see him, but will in September.

 

He saved screenshots of her 3 visits to his profile in October. No communication.

 

Then this past Monday, there are more messages between them - my husband reached out to her. Asking her if she thinks about the past. They go back and forth at midnight, he’s trying to rope her into sex talk! She doesn’t give in and eventually tells him she has guests and it’s a late night, so they can “talk tomorrow”.

 

My husband didn’t reply and I haven’t seen anything else. I cannot begin to describe how hurt and betrayed I feel.

 

I have known of NSA affairs he’s had. He’s very good looking and women swarm him. I always knew they would blow over, and always have. But I never, ever imagined the amount of deceit and manipulation that goes into having a 10-year affair.

 

But another part of me says it’s not a real affair since they’ve never had actual sex, and it’s never lasted past a few months at a time. I can’t figure out if I should count my husband as emotionally involved with her, or if she’s just sex like the others. And why would he go back to her now? I understand he needs sex, and I give as much as I can, but that doesn’t seem to be enough for him.

 

Is this woman worth ending my marriage over?

Edited January 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Update title and post link to now-closed thread.

[d0nnivain]

Your marriage has been over for at least 9.5 years. You simply need to formalize it.

 

A single misstep could possibly be overcome with a lot of hard work & a good therapist. This is your husband leading a double life.

 

I don't know that she is the reason to end the marriage. The reason to end it is that your husband hasn't been an active or faithful participant in it the entire time.

[BaileyB]

I don't know that she is the reason to end the marriage. The reason to end it is that your husband hasn't been an active or faithful participant in it the entire time.

 

This. I would have an issue with the dishonesty and I would not be able to trust this man. For those reasons, I would end the marriage. I'm so sorry.

[elaine567]

It depends, you have sat back and allowed his previous affairs, so what makes this any different?

[BaileyB]

You have sat back and allowed his previous affairs, so what makes this any different?

 

Also my question. His other NSA affairs were somehow acceptable to you, but this emotional affair is somehow not?

[central]

It depends, you have sat back and allowed his previous affairs, so what makes this any different?

 

I agree. The difference now is that you are aware that this one has lasted for a long time, even if it was emotional and not physical. You weren't unhappy enough in all those past years to leave (were you happy, or just blissfully ignoring it all?), knowing how he behaves when given an opportunity by these other women. Have you reached a breaking point, finally?

[Amethyst68]

Does he know you're aware of his affairs? If there's been no consequences then why would he stop?

 

Only you can decide what boundaries you are prepared to live with being crossed. Personally I'd have left long ago, the disrespect and dishonesty alone would have been enough, never mind the NSA sex.

[burnt]

Is this woman worth ending my marriage over?

 

The more important question to ask is is your husband worth continuing your marriage?

 

The woman is not the problem. Your cheating husband is. It's your husband who has betrayed you for ten years.

 

And, you have allowed it in the past. Why?

Your silent message to him was that you would tolerate his cheating on you. Why?

 

You cannot change his behavior. You can only control your reactions.

[Simple Logic]

At this point you have a full accounting of what has and contiues to occur. It is just a matter of deciding if it is acceptable, stoppable, or worth a divource.

[MrVegas]

That’s an awful long time for him to be chasing this woman.

 

As despicable as the cheating is, I’m not sure it is even the biggest issue. Nearly a decade of your marriage he has spent trying to get this woman in bed (and it sounds like he was successful with others)

 

It’s up to you if you feel it’s repairable, but I would be doubtful he ever stops based on what you described.

[edith]

No, he doesn’t know that I know about this affair or the NSA flings he’s had. What concerns me is that I could live with sex only - I know this isn’t normal but I knew when I married him that he wouldn’t be sexually faithful because of his looks. We’ve never discussed that, but the price I’ve had to pay to be with someone like him was to accept the lack of sexual faithfulness.

 

But he is crossing the line going back and forth with the same woman for 10 years. I feel betrayed in a way I never have before. I already had my doubts about what she meant 8 years ago when their affair was fledgling, and even saw an attorney. I never confronted my husband or ended the marriage. But she keeps reappearing every once in a while when one of them returns. My husband went too far in trying to “help” her with a high paying job through a friend ( she turned it down), and he never even told her he was the one arranging the job - in other words, he did it selflessly, genuinely to help her. When I figured this out from the emails, my heart sank.

 

Now in their messages from Monday, she’s curbing his sex talk attempts and he doesn’t let down. She asks what made him reach out to her and he said he didn’t know but that he hadn’t had head in a long time and always thinks of her when he wants good sex! She stopped replying until he reached out to her again and she said she was busy with guests. (Holiday in the U.S.)

 

We had had sex the day before. It’s not like he’s neglected. He has other women to get sex from. I don’t understand the need for this one 10 years later and my jealousy doesn’t let me think straight.

[BaileyB]

What concerns me is that I could live with sex only - I know this isn’t normal but I knew when I married him that he wouldn’t be sexually faithful because of his looks. We’ve never discussed that, but the price I’ve had to pay to be with someone like him was to accept the lack of sexual faithfulness.

 

To each their own, but your reasoning and your justification for his affairs/your complacency makes absolutely no sense to me.

 

Perhaps, fidelity is not important to you... and it that is the case, that's fine. But, its not wrong to expect fidelity from a good looking man. There are plenty of good looking men who stay faithful to their wives...

[d0nnivain]

If you are a jealous person why on earth would you marry a man KNOWING he could not be sexually faithful to you?

 

OMG. You need more self respect & you will never develop that if you stay with this guy.

[SunnyWeather]

No, he doesn’t know that I know about this affair or the NSA flings he’s had. What concerns me is that I could live with sex only - I know this isn’t normal but I knew when I married him that he wouldn’t be sexually faithful because of his looks. ....

 

no, people are not unfaithful because of their looks. it's a character trait.

 

how about you forward all those messages to her spouse?

 

it won't help your situation, but it sure would get interesting from a voyeuristic perspective

[Mr. Lucky]

No, he doesn’t know that I know about this affair or the NSA flings he’s had. What concerns me is that I could live with sex only - I know this isn’t normal but I knew when I married him that he wouldn’t be sexually faithful because of his looks. We’ve never discussed that, but the price I’ve had to pay to be with someone like him was to accept the lack of sexual faithfulness.

 

Then you’re really no different from all the other women he’s been sleeping with, all of whom were willing to accept his lack of availability and fidelity. You get what you permit...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Fugu]

I always knew they would blow over, and always have. But I never, ever imagined the amount of deceit and manipulation that goes into having a 10-year affair.

 

But another part of me says it’s not a real affair since they’ve never had actual sex, and it’s never lasted past a few months at a time. I can’t figure out if I should count my husband as emotionally involved with her, or if she’s just sex like the others. And why would he go back to her now? I understand he needs sex, and I give as much as I can, but that doesn’t seem to be enough for him.

 

Is this woman worth ending my marriage over?

 

Yes, it's worth ending your marriage over because of the part above that I bolded. It's an incredible amount of deceit over a very long period of time. Not that it would be good if he had slept around after a rough patch in a long marriage, but it would 'add up', so to speak. This is indicative of someone who is essentially leading a double life. He's married to you but giving his affection and loyalty to another, and for a period long enough to constitute an entirely separate relationship concurrent with yours.

 

I would take time to gather all of the evidence, and then at some point, when you've got all of your ducks lined up, I would just confront him one weekend morning and say "We need to talk." And then just lay it out, fact by fact, item by item, email by email. I would start from the beginning. I would conclude by saying "I'm just curious to know your response but understand that nothing you say will change the course of this relationship now - it's over." And it's over because of decisions YOU made starting 10 years ago and have CONTINUED TO MAKE since.

[Amethyst68]

I seriously doubt this man is as good looking as you've built him up to be in your mind. In any way in no way should you be giving up your self respect to keep a man who obviously doesn't care about you.

 

You set the bar on the level of treatment you receive. You've accepted this disrespect for 10 years, do you have kids? How can you bring them into this? What about your health? How can you be sure he practices safe sex? Do you have go through the humiliation of regular STI checks to have sex with your husband?

[edith]

Being promiscuous is not for me - I would never cheat on him. And I honestly think that an inordinate amount of status, be it beauty, intelligence, or wealth, allows people to live outside of the rules of regular society. The tree huggers of the world obviously will disagree, but this is not the point of my post.

 

I have posted to understand the dynamic behind this one affair. Am I making too much of it by thinking he’s emotionally involved with her? Because if it’s just sex, I can live with it. But if he has feelings for her, I’d have to reassess our entire marriage.

 

Please spare me your outrage at my reasons for staying married to him. I know they’re not mainstream. But while I appreciate different perspectives, my main reason in posting is to understand if it is normal for a sex-only affair to last for 10 years.

 

And yes, we have children. 2 boys in 4th and 5th grade. He’s a wonderful and present father.

[William]

Please focus in on this content:

 

Quote

I have posted to understand the dynamic behind this one affair. Am I making too much of it by thinking he’s emotionally involved with her? Because if it’s just sex, I can live with it. But if he has feelings for her, I’d have to reassess our entire marriage.

 

And the reality of dealing with a spouse's long-term affair.

Edited April 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Amethyst68]

Well by your own admission there's been no sex so that leaves emotion.

 

It may be one sided on his side as he seems to be chasing, the only way you'll ever know is to ask but whether you'll find the truth is another matter.

[edith]

Thank you, William.

 

There has been sex - oral sex - but that was at her request. It wasn’t clear in the emails why. Although I do remember reading she felt it wouldn’t be as much of a betrayal? But I’m not sure if she meant sex. So they’ve been intimate in 10 years, but not full-blown sex.

 

This is what killls me - my husband has wanted her for 10 years for oral sex?? He already gets that at home. My heart is in a million pieces when I think about this might mean, because the reality of it is crushing.

[BaileyB]

Am I making too much of it by thinking he’s emotionally involved with her?

 

The short answer is no. For me, it would be absolutely unacceptable. But that doesn’t really matter... you must decide where you draw the line...

[zouz71]

Thank you, William.

 

There has been sex - oral sex - but that was at her request. It wasn’t clear in the emails why. Although I do remember reading she felt it wouldn’t be as much of a betrayal? But I’m not sure if she meant sex. So they’ve been intimate in 10 years, but not full-blown sex.

 

This is what killls me - my husband has wanted her for 10 years for oral sex?? He already gets that at home. My heart is in a million pieces when I think about this might mean, because the reality of it is crushing.

 

so edith

you are fearing emotional attachment ...

 

you want answer to the question you raised about why is he interrested in her while she only gave him partial satisfaction or physical experience .

 

-frankly . only him can answer ...

 

but lets try to analyze :

-do you give him oral ?

[BaileyB]

There has been sex - oral sex - but that was at her request. It wasn’t clear in the emails why. Although I do remember reading she felt it wouldn’t be as much of a betrayal? But I’m not sure if she meant sex. So they’ve been intimate in 10 years, but not full-blown sex.

 

This is what killls me - my husband has wanted her for 10 years for oral sex?? He already gets that at home. My heart is in a million pieces when I think about this might mean, because the reality of it is crushing.

 

Are you sure about that? Not many men, particularly a man who has engaged in other extramarital affairs, would stop at oral sex. That doesn’t seem very realistic...

 

It would seem, based on your own words, that this may cross the line for you... and that would be an entirely reasonable thing for a wife to decide.

[elaine567]

I know you have somewhat compartmentalised his affairs as them being all about sex which leaves the "emotional" side of him all to yourself, but I really doubt that that was the reality.

I also doubt that this longstanding "relationship" which has lasted 10 years did not contain a big emotional component.

 

You have somehow fooled yourself into accepting all this cheating by your husband as it suited you and kept your marriage and family intact.

Whether you can now ride out this storm and continue to turn a blind eye, is really up to you.

But I guess this has all been of great cost to you personally, so maybe it is time to take stock and face reality here.