I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[edith]

Then just assume that they haven’t seen each other BUT are still addressing each other that way; what does it say about their relationship? That it’s only sex! That’s how I feel.

[Crazelnut]

Then just assume that they haven’t seen each other BUT are still addressing each other that way; what does it say about their relationship? That it’s only sex! That’s how I feel.

 

It is not only sex! Jeez, how many more times can we tell you this? Deal with it. He is waaay into her, and you need to just accept that and learn to live with it.

[BaileyB]

It is not only sex! Jeez, how many more times can we tell you this? Deal with it. He is waaay into her, and you need to just accept that and learn to live with it.

 

This. It is literally what everyone has been trying to tell you, this whole time.

[diddilybop]

It is not only sex! Jeez, how many more times can we tell you this? Deal with it. He is waaay into her, and you need to just accept that and learn to live with it.

 

right?! instead of using all your energy of trying to play this guessing game, learn to live with the fact that it's not just sex (as we ALL have said) OR better yet, use that energy to confront your husband, let him go and take care of yourself and your children.

[RecentChange]

Then just assume that they haven’t seen each other BUT are still addressing each other that way; what does it say about their relationship? That it’s only sex! That’s how I feel.

 

Then what's the problem? Seems like you have convinced yourself there is none.

 

Your husband can pine for other women, tell them how very much he misses them. How the sex with them was so wonderful that he craves it, dreams about it for years.

 

I wonder, does that really make you feel great? Boost your self esteem? Make you feel like you have everything that these other women do not?

 

How about the fact he probably thinks about her when he is with you? I guess that's cool too, no reason to make a stink.

[zouz71]

hire a PI before wednesday , and get photos / evidence they are meeting ,

 

 

 

let them meet this last time ...

 

 

then you need to think what to do with that evidence,meet that woman alone and confront her , with affirmation that if she tells your hubby you will expose the photos everywhere.

 

 

let her dump him , if dumped he will be more hurt than if you just confront him.

 

 

 

now , next step : get those evidences .

[zouz71]

One obvious thing is that they fear to get exposed a lot , especially her .

[pepperbird]

One obvious thing is that they fear to get exposed a lot , especially her .

 

 

for some, the sneaking and lying is all part of the fun. It's as if they are little kids going behind mommy's back.

[stillafool]

My husband and I own a business together. It was started after our marriage, so a divorce and division of assets would be a complete nightmare. And I don’t even want to get into a custody battle. Not to mention the fact that I don’t want a divorce.

 

All I want to know is if my husband is in love with another woman. People on this board haven’t given me proof that he is, and I don’t want to blow his relationship with her out of proportion. She’s just another floozy he’s hoping to bang on the side and not worth my marriage, our business, my life and my kids’ lives.

 

My posts don’t show it but I am heartbroken over even the prospect that what he has with her is serious. But at the same time... He has stayed put for 10 years, has he not?

 

Darling we are not Private Investigators that you have hired to give you proof of your husband's infidelity. You can always hire one if proof is what you're seeking. We do not have the answers you are searching for so why do you continue to beat us up over this?

[stillafool]

My guess is that she could be giving him porn style sex hourly and he would still cheat.

 

People forget or don't realize the binding effect an emotional affair can have on people. It is much easier to get over someone when it's just sex. When emotions are bound it's hell getting over someone.

[edith]

Yes, I understand that everyone on here says he has feelings for her. What I don’t understand is what has he done to support this? Is it calling her “my dirty girl”? Or raving about the sex? Or saying he misses her? I understand what everyone is saying. I’d like help identifying what in their affair makes it an emotional affair. You guys seem like the perfect crowd to analyze a relationship - and this thread/my posts have provided a lot of material - and break it down classifying it as emotional. I think even her assertion that she wants their relationship to “not be serious” is telling. But does this mean they don’t have feelings?

 

Thank you all very much for your perspectives, even the blunt ones like stillafool’s . I really appreciate all views. It helps me so much to come here and vent/write things through. It helps me to cope, so thank you all.

[BaileyB]

Yes, I understand that everyone on here says he has feelings for her. What I don’t understand is what has he done to support this?

 

Literally everything you have shared supports this. Everything.

[diddilybop]

Yes, I understand that everyone on here says he has feelings for her. What I don’t understand is what has he done to support this?

 

i agree with BaileyB and stillafool. OP, everything you've told us about your husband and his interactions with OW has supported this. we've all told you this many times as well. no matter how many times you ask, you're going to get the same response from us. it feels like you're either completely missing the point OR you're deliberately and stubbornly not taking our advice.

 

if you need a "different" response from what we're saying, then confront your husband - we're not your professional detectives here.

[zouz71]

edith , Again and again ,

 

you are denying the facts that he is cheating on you .

 

If you feel guilty about this you shouldn't he is the cheater ,

 

 

if you feel you pushed him to be a cheater (doubt) , and want to give him chance , you should start putting boundaries and work on enhancing your marriage.

 

If he is a cheater by nature and still you want to continue with him , your choice but be realistic you can't change him .

[RosannaTMI]

Edith. Does it change anything for you whether he has or doesn’t have feelings for her?

 

At this moment how does his current state of relationship with her (feelings or not) affect your marriage? Does he treat you differently? What difference does it make to your relationship with him if he loves her or not? You are conducting investigation and getting to know some info but what if you didn’t see all of these and your married life continued as normal?

 

Can you be content with your married life and ignore whatever he is doing outside of the marriage? Is it possible at all?

[elaine567]

Can you be content with your married life and ignore whatever he is doing outside of the marriage? Is it possible at all?

She has done that for years as OWs have come and gone, what makes this woman different is that this affair has been on and off for 10 years.

This is not the usual short term affair for sex that quickly burns out, she has learnt to tolerate those, this is potentially a bigger threat.

[stillafool]

Yes, I understand that everyone on here says he has feelings for her. What I don’t understand is what has he done to support this? Is it calling her “my dirty girl”? Or raving about the sex? Or saying he misses her? I understand what everyone is saying. I’d like help identifying what in their affair makes it an emotional affair. You guys seem like the perfect crowd to analyze a relationship - and this thread/my posts have provided a lot of material - and break it down classifying it as emotional. I think even her assertion that she wants their relationship to “not be serious” is telling. But does this mean they don’t have feelings?

 

Hire a Private Investigator. He/she can get pictures of them together, perhaps an audio recording and other evidence to give you the answers you seek. You can't expect a bunch of strangers who know nothing about them to give you evidence of an emotional or sexual affair. We are making an assessment of what you've told us which says he is very emotionally involved with her. You obviously are not and haven't believed anything we say. You just want to go over this again and again. At least with a PI you can see and hear with your own eyes and ears what is truly going on. Maybe then you will understand.

[RosannaTMI]

She has done that for years as OWs have come and gone, what makes this woman different is that this affair has been on and off for 10 years.

This is not the usual short term affair for sex that quickly burns out, she has learnt to tolerate those, this is potentially a bigger threat.

 

This is not a threat to her marriage. He never left wife for this other woman in fact he was never exclusive with this other woman because he had other affairs going on. Why would he leave his wife it now after 10 years? If it didn’t happen in the first few years it is not going to happen ever.

 

Some married men have these long terms engagements with various women for decades. Maybe she is not only one like that in his life. Maybe he juggles 2-3 of those affairs that wife is not aware of.

Edited December 7, 2018 by RosannaTMI

[Crazelnut]

Edith, stop it. You know everything you need to know. He is emotionally attached, obsessed, probably in love with her. She IS different to him than all the others.

 

So just stop with the questions. You will never get an answer that will satisfy you.[]

 

The pain will only go away when you divorce him (unlikely) or when you simply decide to let it go. Accept that she has a part of his heart and mind, and THAT is the trade off you make to stay married to Mr. Wonderful.

Edited December 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BaileyB]

This is not a threat to her marriage. He never left wife for this other woman in fact he was never exclusive with this other woman because he had other affairs going on. Why would he leave his wife it now after 10 years? If it didn’t happen in the first few years it is not going to happen ever.

 

Some married men have these long terms engagements with various women for decades.

 

Or, he could decide tomorrow that he has found the love of his life and walk out the door, never to return again. This is the risk, the uncertainty that you live with, when you chose to stay in this kind of relationship.

 

Although there may be some truth in this post - certainly, it has been 10 years and he has engaged in several affairs during his marriage... The fact that he has not left yet does indicate that he is content with his lot in life - maintaining his financial and social status, while engaging in his own fun... IMHO, this kind of post does a disservice to OP. In a way, it normalizes what would be considered by most to be totally inappropriate behaviour in a marriage. I'm not sure this this is what was intended by the post... No doubt, OP will grab onto this post to support her desire to stay in what can perhaps be described as an abusive marriage. Obviously, it happens. There are men who feel entitled to do this just as there are many women who make the decision to trade their self respect for financial security among other things. It’s just really sad when some women come to believe that they don’t deserve anything more from a man...

Edited December 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[RosannaTMI]

Or, he could decide tomorrow that he has found the love of his life and walk out the door, never to return again..

 

He “found” this “love of his life” 10 years ago and never made an attempt to leave his marriage during those 10 years. He is comfortable with everything. He has convenience and predictability of the marriage, Which is perfectly balanced off by the excitement of affair(s) with the women outside the marriage. Why would he all of a sudden wake up one day and decide to change his entire life? Unless wife drives him insane, but even if that is the case, he will find ways to keep her happy and keep the balance in marriage as well as in his affair.

 

I am not saying that he doesn’t love this particular other woman. Maybe he does. Maybe he has also loved some other women within duration of his marriage. He loves his wife as well. Maybe he just loves many women and can’t get enough of them and can’t be committed to anyone in particular?

 

 

I agree that there is a risk. But there is a risk in every relationship/marriage. No one is insured against the fallout.

 

In this particular case divorce is very unlikely. Unless wife initiated it.

 

Spying on them will not solve anything. Ok. If wife will be so good to record their conversations and will hear all the niceties he is whispering in the other woman’s ears will it indicate that he really mean those things and not just saying nice words to keep the other woman engaged in this wonderful affair? Some married men string other women along for decades and tell them all the things that they want to hear.

 

The biggest question. Here. Edith. Can you live in a marriage like this??? Can you accept him as he is ( he will not change, men don’t change)???

Edited December 7, 2018 by RosannaTMI

[BaileyB]

He “found” this “love of his life” 10 years ago and never made an attempt to leave his marriage during those 10 years.

 

I’m sorry, but I disagree. If my husband is having serial affairs with other women and chasing one particular woman for 10 years... I would most definitely assume that I am NOT the love of his life. Truthfully, I would not feel like HE is the love of MY life.

 

This isn’t love. People who love each other don’t treat each other this way. If he truly loved his wife, he wouldn’t put her health at risk by exposing her to stds. He may well stay for a variety of other reasons; comfort, financial stability, reputation, a desire to maintain the family home for his children... Sure, he may feel that he “loves” his wife but his behavior is not very “loving...”

[RosannaTMI]

I’m sorry, but I disagree. If my husband is having serial affairs with other women and chasing one particular woman for 10 years... I would most definitely assume that I am NOT the love of his life. Truthfully, I would not feel like HE is the love of MY life.

 

This isn’t love. People who love each other don’t treat each other this way. If he truly loved his wife, he wouldn’t put her health at risk by exposing her to stds. He may well stay for a variety of other reasons; comfort, financial stability, reputation, a desire to maintain the family home for his children... Sure, he may feel that he “loves” his wife but his behavior is not very “loving...”

 

Also true. Most of all this guy LOVES HIMSELF.

[RosannaTMI]

IMHO, this kind of post does a disservice to OP. In a way, it normalizes what would be considered by most to be totally inappropriate behaviour in a marriage. I'm not sure this this is what was intended by the post... No doubt, OP will grab onto this post to support her desire to stay in what can perhaps be described as an abusive marriage. Obviously, it happens. There are men who feel entitled to do this just as there are many women who make the decision to trade their self respect for financial security among other things. It’s just really sad when some women come to believe that they don’t deserve anything more from a man...

 

I just expressed my point of view on the situation. I hope Edith is smart enough not to follow any particular advise from this eager bunch of complete strangers and will form her own strategy.

[BaileyB]

Also true. Most of all this guy LOVES HIMSELF.

 

I completely agree with you here!