I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[William]

Bumping this previous directive up:

 

William said:

Please focus in [ on the topical content]

 

And the reality of dealing with a spouse's long-term affair.

Edited April 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[edith]

Thank you all.

 

To answer some of the questions, other than the cheating, he’s a present husband. We rarely ever fight. I guess I’d call him distant sometimes, but I notice a marked difference when he is in touch with this other woman. This is why it’s been so important for me to get validation on his feelings - so to answer someone else’s question about why his feelings for her matter, it’s because he instantly distances himself from me when she’s in the picture. He’s not attentive, he locks himself up in the office, he appears distant in thought. It’s hard to explain but it’s as if he’s not really “here”.

 

The other part of it is that if another woman has his heart and mind, then there is nothing left over for me. And I didn’t marry him to get leftovers. As hard as it is for me to gauge and accept his possible feelings for her, getting other people’s perspectives on whether she means something to him has been invaluable.

[zouz71]

Bumping this previous directive up:

i didnt get it William , was this addressed to me , am i banned ?

[edith]

 

She isn’t leaving her husband. We have focused a lot on his behavior, but what about hers? She’s happy to fling around a bit - when it suits her - but her FB is plastered with her Stepford-wifeness. She is not about to give up a comfortable life where she no longer needs to work, her child’s stability or her own social status for your husband. Trade-off just ain’t there, frankly. Now, if her husband catches her, that could be a whole different story.

 

I agree with this. I think her assertion that she didn’t want this to be “serious” supports it. I think she wrote she likes it that they can just meet “whenever” and there isn’t “a lot of commitment “. Who knows if this is true, but given her social stature (based on the town she lives in, having a beach house, not working, etc.), I think my husband is no match. So from this perspective, I’m safer, but none of this changes my husband’s possible feelings for her, and I do wonder if her unavailability makes her higher status to him.

[edith]

i didnt get it William , was this addressed to me , am i banned ?

 

I doubt it. It was crazelnut who called me “stupid” and her post was edited.

[zouz71]

Thank you all.

 

To answer some of the questions, other than the cheating, he’s a present husband. We rarely ever fight. I guess I’d call him distant sometimes, but I notice a marked difference when he is in touch with this other woman. This is why it’s been so important for me to get validation on his feelings - so to answer someone else’s question about why his feelings for her matter, it’s because he instantly distances himself from me when she’s in the picture. He’s not attentive, he locks himself up in the office, he appears distant in thought. It’s hard to explain but it’s as if he’s not really “here”.

 

The other part of it is that if another woman has his heart and mind, then there is nothing left over for me. And I didn’t marry him to get leftovers. As hard as it is for me to gauge and accept his possible feelings for her, getting other people’s perspectives on whether she means something to him has been invaluable.

 

u deserve a better life,

my opinion , he has emotions toward this women and or any women

in his matching matrix now.the matching criteria now is sexually driven , he is not choosing a wife

he is choosing a mistress, if he gets a divorce his choices may vary

[elaine567]

I agree with this. I think her assertion that she didn’t want this to be “serious” supports it. I think she wrote she likes it that they can just meet “whenever” and there isn’t “a lot of commitment “. Who knows if this is true, but given her social stature (based on the town she lives in, having a beach house, not working, etc.), I think my husband is no match. So from this perspective, I’m safer, but none of this changes my husband’s possible feelings for her, and I do wonder if her unavailability makes her higher status to him.

 

 

Probably

 

We (gen) always want the things we cannot have.

 

The thrill of the chase and his ego will keep your husband interested in her.

[zouz71]

I doubt it. It was crazelnut who called me “stupid” and her post was edited.

 

thinking abt such crucial decision and take logical ones it is genuine

your family is lucky to have you

[zouz71]

Probably

 

We (gen) always want the things we cannot have.

 

The thrill of the chase and his ego will keep your husband interested in her.

 

 

 

the status might change if her husband feels betrayed when Ow fears to be discovered and acts selfishly ...

[zouz71]

edith , r they meeting soon ?

why dont u put a gps in the car?

we need one more evidence , then action should start.

you need someone to trust to oerform some actions, like calling the wonan and threatening her to tell her husband , the caller can claim that he or she is close to u but you dont know abt the affair....

[stillafool]

I agree with this. I think her assertion that she didn’t want this to be “serious” supports it. I think she wrote she likes it that they can just meet “whenever” and there isn’t “a lot of commitment “. Who knows if this is true, but given her social stature (based on the town she lives in, having a beach house, not working, etc.), I think my husband is no match. So from this perspective, I’m safer, but none of this changes my husband’s possible feelings for her, and I do wonder if her unavailability makes her higher status to him.

 

Of course it does. That is why he has her on a pedestal. But knowing all of this must give you the relief you've been searching for as it is clear she is not going to leave her husband. So now why don't you stop snooping and obsessing and sit back and enjoy your life. Your husband isn't going to leave you so there's nothing else for you to worry about, is there?

[stillafool]

Probably

 

We (gen) always want the things we cannot have.

 

The thrill of the chase and his ego will keep your husband interested in her.

 

I doubt he will ever lose interest in this woman but Edith doesn't care she just wants to make sure he stays put. He will because this woman will so Edith needs to forget about and keep living her happy life.

[stillafool]

edith , r they meeting soon ?

why dont u put a gps in the car?

we need one more evidence , then action should start.

you need someone to trust to oerform some actions, like calling the wonan and threatening her to tell her husband , the caller can claim that he or she is close to u but you dont know abt the affair....

 

Edith already knows her husband is emotionally involved with this woman, wants sex with her, but this woman is not going to leave her cushy lifestyle for Edith's husband. That is all Edith cares about and it's not going to happen.

[Crazelnut]

The other part of it is that if another woman has his heart and mind, then there is nothing left over for me. And I didn’t marry him to get leftovers.

 

edith, the other woman HAS his heart and mind. What are you going to do about it?

 

Sorry for using the word "stupid," but you are frustrating the crap out of me.

[edith]

What am I going to do? I’m going to see how this plays out, if they really meet this Wednesday. I’ll assess how it goes because I’m sure they’ll be talking about it the next day.

 

I feel less worried but the possibility that she might be in love with my husband, instead of her own, still looms large. Do you guys really think that if she decides to leave her husband, my husband will follow suit? I know no one can say for sure, but I find myself believing his interest is only temporary. I’m trying, guys. I’m trying not to be in denial.

Edited December 9, 2018 by edith

[stillafool]

Hire an investigator to give you answers. We've already told you over and over our thoughts on this.

[zouz71]

What am I going to do? I’m going to see how this plays out, if they really meet this Wednesday. I’ll assess how it goes because I’m sure they’ll be talking about it the next day.

 

I feel less worried but the possibility that she might be in love with my husband, instead of her own, still looms large. Do you guys really think that if she decides to leave her husband, my husband will follow suit? I know no one can say for sure, but I find myself believing his interest is only temporary. I’m trying, guys. I’m trying not to be in denial.

 

 

Edith , you need top collect more evidences and keep them , can't you put a VR and GPS in his car at least .

 

 

and if you are able to hack all his accounts , can't u trace his mobile ?

 

 

FOCUS NOW ...

[carhill]

What am I going to do? I’m going to see how this plays out, if they really meet this Wednesday. I’ll assess how it goes because I’m sure they’ll be talking about it the next day.

At this point I'd consider it an open affair and make sure you're protected legally and proceed as you see fit to remain or leave.

 

I feel less worried but the possibility that she might be in love with my husband, instead of her own, still looms large.

Possible, sure. However, since we can't read minds, no real imperative to be concerned about it. If she does, she does. If not, not.

Do you guys really think that if she decides to leave her husband, my husband will follow suit?

Depends. If he's a BBD and she's done the calc on that remaining after his D, then perhaps. Women are usually pragmatic about this stuff. Yeah, the emotions are spectacular but when it comes down to the nuts and bolts, momma wants a new pair of shoes too. If her shoe rack is stocked at home and she's happy with that status quo, no worries, she's not going anywhere, regardless of in-love stuff. She has a lot of power right now, the power of choice. She can screw around on her H and still use all the laws of the land to screw him in a divorce. She knows this. However, once she starts the process, she's cast her die and has no control over your H. Who knows, he might have another person in his life or mind. She's a placeholder or obvious shill. Speculation, sure, but I've seen all of it.

 

I know no one can say for sure, but I find myself believing his interest is only temporary. I’m trying, guys. I’m trying not to be in denial.

You're probably right, as interest is, for nearly everyone, only temporary. The rest is commitment, or not, and life. Sure some people die committed to the person they first fell in love with as a youth but that's pretty rare. For everyone else interest, and often commitment, is time-limited.

 

It sounds to me like the balance still tips in favor of staying M, at least from your side. If that's the case, accept it and live it. Focus on things away from the details of what they are or aren't doing/saying/being. Live your life. There's no subterfuge here. They're having some sort of an affair.

[pepperbird]

Edith , you need top collect more evidences and keep them , can't you put a VR and GPS in his car at least .

 

 

and if you are able to hack all his accounts , can't u trace his mobile ?

 

 

FOCUS NOW ...

 

 

NO NO NO NO

 

 

DO NOT hack his accounts. It may be illegal ( even if he is your spouse) where you live. If it is, any information you gather can't be used anyway.

 

Depending on where you live, evidence of the affair, in legal terms, may not be useful, especially if you live in a place with " no fault" laws.

 

You bets starting point? Contact a lawyer where you live. He or she will be well versed int he laws, and can give you the best advice to protect yourself.

[zouz71]

NO NO NO NO

DO NOT hack his accounts. It may be illegal ( even if he is your spouse) where you live. If it is, any information you gather can't be used anyway.

<snip>

Pepper ,She is been reading his emails in the last x years and watching his messages on his phone.

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[edith]

My husband keeps reaching out to her.

 

I saw more messages today. He’s SO graphic when he talks to her. First he asked her if he could see her today, even if only for 15 minutes, “just for a taste”, because he didn’t even want to wait until Wednesday! She says she can’t but they still have a date for Wednesday. He wants to take her to a hotel.

 

The significant part is tat she asks him if it’s been a long time for him with the oral sex, he lies and says “Years”. That is a lie. I don’t know what he does with other women, but he has it with me. Why would he want her to believe that?! Then she immediately writes “That is wrong on so many levels. A man like you shouldn’t want for anything in bed”. They continue to talk about the sex, my husband doing whatever he can to turn her on, wants to know her fantasies, tells her what he wants to do as soon as they see each other. That he wants her “dressed up, hair done, makeup and a lot of lipstick “. (This woman is the make-up/dressed up type, from pictures I’ve seen.) She tells him she “knows what he likes”.

 

I don’t know how I’m going to handle it this Wednesday. I’m definitely not in a position financially or legally to stop them from meeting, so my plan will have to wait for now. I don’t know what to think. I need to know if what they’re doing is progressing so I can get ready, but without letting him know. His interactions with other women are definitely not as involved as with this woman, they’re almost transactional. With her, he’s asking about fantasies, what does she want him to do, etc.. This kills me more than anything.

 

I honestly didn’t think he’d contact her again. I need to listen to you guys more. But it still gnaws at me that the only thing they talk about is sex. My husband seems very single-minded! If you read the messages.

[BaileyB]

You want to know what you should do on Wednesday... Go and see a lawyer. Have him served divorce papers on Thursday.

 

They are having a full-blown affair edith. He is telling her what all cheaters tell their OW - my wife is a terrible person, there is no sex at home. He manipulates her, just as he manipulates you.

[burnt]

This is post #200 on this thread. All posters can advise you again and again the same thing, but ultimately YOU are the one who needs to realize that you need to dump your cheating husband.

 

He is not worth it.

 

Wednesday your husband is going to have an AWESOME time with someone other than you. He is dying in anticipation.

 

Well, on Wednesday, you too should have an AWESOME time, with someone other than him -- talking to a divorce lawyer, that is.

[Crazelnut]

I know no one can say for sure, but I find myself believing his interest is only temporary. I’m trying, guys. I’m trying not to be in denial.

 

Oh my goodness, you're even in denial about being in denial.

 

We've told you a thousand times that we think he is obsessed with her. Possibly in love. There is nothing more we can say to you here. You are just avoiding the unpleasantness and pain that comes from knowing your (chronic cheater of a) husband loves another woman. We get it. But all the mental gymnastics you're doing are unnecessary. Accept it. Decide that you will live being 2nd in his heart and mind. It will be much easier for you in the long run, since you refuse to divorce him.

[TaserTag]

I really don't know how you can stand this, edith. Reading your latest posts just makes ME sick and angry, so I can't begin to imagine how you must really feel inside.

 

I think that you should leave this man, because he is such a huge liar. He is lying about you to other women and disrespecting you a thousand times over. And he is the man who should be protecting you and honoring you above anyone else. He's lying about you to stroke another woman's ego, and that fool is eating it up and trying to compete with you by 'putting on more lipstick' and talking trash about you. Ugh.

 

At the very least, I think you should use what is in your power to put an end to the lalaland that your husband and this fool of another woman are living in. Tell the other woman's husband and show him copies of these emails and see how quickly their grand romance sinks. Let her own husband put an end to it. Or contact her yourself and tell her that she's an idiot, you and your husband have a great sex life and he's just a cheater, and she needs to tell her husband about them or you will.

 

Do *something.* Don't just sit there and let them continue their games. I know that you don't want to divorce your husband, but I don't think there's much chance at all of your husband actually leaving you. Read the many threads on this forum and husbands rarely leave the wife for the side piece. He already lies to her about his relationship with you, so their relationship is as built on lies as your own, but you have a business, home and children with him (which makes him even less likely to leave you, but is also sad for you, because I think you could do a lot better than your husband).

 

Put an end to this affair, stick up for yourself, demand better, or just get a divorce and find better... I could absolutely not stand being put through the disrespect that they are putting you through, and you should not stand for it either.