I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[georgia girl]

He “found” this “love of his life” 10 years ago and never made an attempt to leave his marriage during those 10 years. He is comfortable with everything. He has convenience and predictability of the marriage, Which is perfectly balanced off by the excitement of affair(s) with the women outside the marriage. Why would he all of a sudden wake up one day and decide to change his entire life? Unless wife drives him insane, but even if that is the case, he will find ways to keep her happy and keep the balance in marriage as well as in his affair.

 

I am not saying that he doesn’t love this particular other woman. Maybe he does. Maybe he has also loved some other women within duration of his marriage. He loves his wife as well. Maybe he just loves many women and can’t get enough of them and can’t be committed to anyone in particular?

 

 

I agree that there is a risk. But there is a risk in every relationship/marriage. No one is insured against the fallout.

 

In this particular case divorce is very unlikely. Unless wife initiated it.

 

Spying on them will not solve anything. Ok. If wife will be so good to record their conversations and will hear all the niceties he is whispering in the other woman’s ears will it indicate that he really mean those things and not just saying nice words to keep the other woman engaged in this wonderful affair? Some married men string other women along for decades and tell them all the things that they want to hear.

 

The biggest question. Here. Edith. Can you live in a marriage like this??? Can you accept him as he is ( he will not change, men don’t change)???

 

I have to say, I have read through this entire thread and I agree with this post. It doesn’t mean that I think this is a good way to live or that I would choose it for myself, but I think the evaluation provided here is pretty spot on. This guy has no real loyalty to anyone but himself and I doubt, regardless of his obsession with the OW, that he is willing to upset his pretty easy going life. That said, here are some additional observations I would add:

 

OP, your husband is enthralled with this woman. Maybe it’s the unattainable - he’s chasing her for sex when others would have/did cave. She’s got the certain something that appeals to him... whatever. He is enthralled. Is it love? Maybe? More likely a form of obsession, which can be just as dangerous to your relationship (or more).

 

She isn’t leaving her husband. We have focused a lot on his behavior, but what about hers? She’s happy to fling around a bit - when it suits her - but her FB is plastered with her Stepford-wifeness. She is not about to give up a comfortable life where she no longer needs to work, her child’s stability or her own social status for your husband. Trade-off just ain’t there, frankly. Now, if her husband catches her, that could be a whole different story.

 

I would think long and hard about what you really want out of life and start to build your own dreams and consider your own future, with or without him. It’s time to decorate your own garden, so to speak. It may a) make you more attractive to him (which I know you desire); but b) will make it less of a catrastophe for you if you guys do separate.

[zouz71]

one question edith , is he good to yiu ?

[William]

Bumping this previous directive up:

 

William said:

Please focus in [ on the topical content]

 

And the reality of dealing with a spouse's long-term affair.

Edited April 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[edith]

Thank you all.

 

To answer some of the questions, other than the cheating, he’s a present husband. We rarely ever fight. I guess I’d call him distant sometimes, but I notice a marked difference when he is in touch with this other woman. This is why it’s been so important for me to get validation on his feelings - so to answer someone else’s question about why his feelings for her matter, it’s because he instantly distances himself from me when she’s in the picture. He’s not attentive, he locks himself up in the office, he appears distant in thought. It’s hard to explain but it’s as if he’s not really “here”.

 

The other part of it is that if another woman has his heart and mind, then there is nothing left over for me. And I didn’t marry him to get leftovers. As hard as it is for me to gauge and accept his possible feelings for her, getting other people’s perspectives on whether she means something to him has been invaluable.

[zouz71]

Bumping this previous directive up:

i didnt get it William , was this addressed to me , am i banned ?

[edith]

 

She isn’t leaving her husband. We have focused a lot on his behavior, but what about hers? She’s happy to fling around a bit - when it suits her - but her FB is plastered with her Stepford-wifeness. She is not about to give up a comfortable life where she no longer needs to work, her child’s stability or her own social status for your husband. Trade-off just ain’t there, frankly. Now, if her husband catches her, that could be a whole different story.

 

I agree with this. I think her assertion that she didn’t want this to be “serious” supports it. I think she wrote she likes it that they can just meet “whenever” and there isn’t “a lot of commitment “. Who knows if this is true, but given her social stature (based on the town she lives in, having a beach house, not working, etc.), I think my husband is no match. So from this perspective, I’m safer, but none of this changes my husband’s possible feelings for her, and I do wonder if her unavailability makes her higher status to him.

[edith]

i didnt get it William , was this addressed to me , am i banned ?

 

I doubt it. It was crazelnut who called me “stupid” and her post was edited.

[zouz71]

Thank you all.

 

To answer some of the questions, other than the cheating, he’s a present husband. We rarely ever fight. I guess I’d call him distant sometimes, but I notice a marked difference when he is in touch with this other woman. This is why it’s been so important for me to get validation on his feelings - so to answer someone else’s question about why his feelings for her matter, it’s because he instantly distances himself from me when she’s in the picture. He’s not attentive, he locks himself up in the office, he appears distant in thought. It’s hard to explain but it’s as if he’s not really “here”.

 

The other part of it is that if another woman has his heart and mind, then there is nothing left over for me. And I didn’t marry him to get leftovers. As hard as it is for me to gauge and accept his possible feelings for her, getting other people’s perspectives on whether she means something to him has been invaluable.

 

u deserve a better life,

my opinion , he has emotions toward this women and or any women

in his matching matrix now.the matching criteria now is sexually driven , he is not choosing a wife

he is choosing a mistress, if he gets a divorce his choices may vary

[elaine567]

I agree with this. I think her assertion that she didn’t want this to be “serious” supports it. I think she wrote she likes it that they can just meet “whenever” and there isn’t “a lot of commitment “. Who knows if this is true, but given her social stature (based on the town she lives in, having a beach house, not working, etc.), I think my husband is no match. So from this perspective, I’m safer, but none of this changes my husband’s possible feelings for her, and I do wonder if her unavailability makes her higher status to him.

 

 

Probably

 

We (gen) always want the things we cannot have.

 

The thrill of the chase and his ego will keep your husband interested in her.

[zouz71]

I doubt it. It was crazelnut who called me “stupid” and her post was edited.

 

thinking abt such crucial decision and take logical ones it is genuine

your family is lucky to have you

[zouz71]

Probably

 

We (gen) always want the things we cannot have.

 

The thrill of the chase and his ego will keep your husband interested in her.

 

 

 

the status might change if her husband feels betrayed when Ow fears to be discovered and acts selfishly ...

[zouz71]

edith , r they meeting soon ?

why dont u put a gps in the car?

we need one more evidence , then action should start.

you need someone to trust to oerform some actions, like calling the wonan and threatening her to tell her husband , the caller can claim that he or she is close to u but you dont know abt the affair....

[stillafool]

I agree with this. I think her assertion that she didn’t want this to be “serious” supports it. I think she wrote she likes it that they can just meet “whenever” and there isn’t “a lot of commitment “. Who knows if this is true, but given her social stature (based on the town she lives in, having a beach house, not working, etc.), I think my husband is no match. So from this perspective, I’m safer, but none of this changes my husband’s possible feelings for her, and I do wonder if her unavailability makes her higher status to him.

 

Of course it does. That is why he has her on a pedestal. But knowing all of this must give you the relief you've been searching for as it is clear she is not going to leave her husband. So now why don't you stop snooping and obsessing and sit back and enjoy your life. Your husband isn't going to leave you so there's nothing else for you to worry about, is there?

[stillafool]

Probably

 

We (gen) always want the things we cannot have.

 

The thrill of the chase and his ego will keep your husband interested in her.

 

I doubt he will ever lose interest in this woman but Edith doesn't care she just wants to make sure he stays put. He will because this woman will so Edith needs to forget about and keep living her happy life.

[stillafool]

edith , r they meeting soon ?

why dont u put a gps in the car?

we need one more evidence , then action should start.

you need someone to trust to oerform some actions, like calling the wonan and threatening her to tell her husband , the caller can claim that he or she is close to u but you dont know abt the affair....

 

Edith already knows her husband is emotionally involved with this woman, wants sex with her, but this woman is not going to leave her cushy lifestyle for Edith's husband. That is all Edith cares about and it's not going to happen.

[Crazelnut]

The other part of it is that if another woman has his heart and mind, then there is nothing left over for me. And I didn’t marry him to get leftovers.

 

edith, the other woman HAS his heart and mind. What are you going to do about it?

 

Sorry for using the word "stupid," but you are frustrating the crap out of me.

[edith]

What am I going to do? I’m going to see how this plays out, if they really meet this Wednesday. I’ll assess how it goes because I’m sure they’ll be talking about it the next day.

 

I feel less worried but the possibility that she might be in love with my husband, instead of her own, still looms large. Do you guys really think that if she decides to leave her husband, my husband will follow suit? I know no one can say for sure, but I find myself believing his interest is only temporary. I’m trying, guys. I’m trying not to be in denial.

Edited December 9, 2018 by edith

[stillafool]

Hire an investigator to give you answers. We've already told you over and over our thoughts on this.

[zouz71]

What am I going to do? I’m going to see how this plays out, if they really meet this Wednesday. I’ll assess how it goes because I’m sure they’ll be talking about it the next day.

 

I feel less worried but the possibility that she might be in love with my husband, instead of her own, still looms large. Do you guys really think that if she decides to leave her husband, my husband will follow suit? I know no one can say for sure, but I find myself believing his interest is only temporary. I’m trying, guys. I’m trying not to be in denial.

 

 

Edith , you need top collect more evidences and keep them , can't you put a VR and GPS in his car at least .

 

 

and if you are able to hack all his accounts , can't u trace his mobile ?

 

 

FOCUS NOW ...

[carhill]

What am I going to do? I’m going to see how this plays out, if they really meet this Wednesday. I’ll assess how it goes because I’m sure they’ll be talking about it the next day.

At this point I'd consider it an open affair and make sure you're protected legally and proceed as you see fit to remain or leave.

 

I feel less worried but the possibility that she might be in love with my husband, instead of her own, still looms large.

Possible, sure. However, since we can't read minds, no real imperative to be concerned about it. If she does, she does. If not, not.

Do you guys really think that if she decides to leave her husband, my husband will follow suit?

Depends. If he's a BBD and she's done the calc on that remaining after his D, then perhaps. Women are usually pragmatic about this stuff. Yeah, the emotions are spectacular but when it comes down to the nuts and bolts, momma wants a new pair of shoes too. If her shoe rack is stocked at home and she's happy with that status quo, no worries, she's not going anywhere, regardless of in-love stuff. She has a lot of power right now, the power of choice. She can screw around on her H and still use all the laws of the land to screw him in a divorce. She knows this. However, once she starts the process, she's cast her die and has no control over your H. Who knows, he might have another person in his life or mind. She's a placeholder or obvious shill. Speculation, sure, but I've seen all of it.

 

I know no one can say for sure, but I find myself believing his interest is only temporary. I’m trying, guys. I’m trying not to be in denial.

You're probably right, as interest is, for nearly everyone, only temporary. The rest is commitment, or not, and life. Sure some people die committed to the person they first fell in love with as a youth but that's pretty rare. For everyone else interest, and often commitment, is time-limited.

 

It sounds to me like the balance still tips in favor of staying M, at least from your side. If that's the case, accept it and live it. Focus on things away from the details of what they are or aren't doing/saying/being. Live your life. There's no subterfuge here. They're having some sort of an affair.

[pepperbird]

Edith , you need top collect more evidences and keep them , can't you put a VR and GPS in his car at least .

 

 

and if you are able to hack all his accounts , can't u trace his mobile ?

 

 

FOCUS NOW ...

 

 

NO NO NO NO

 

 

DO NOT hack his accounts. It may be illegal ( even if he is your spouse) where you live. If it is, any information you gather can't be used anyway.

 

Depending on where you live, evidence of the affair, in legal terms, may not be useful, especially if you live in a place with " no fault" laws.

 

You bets starting point? Contact a lawyer where you live. He or she will be well versed int he laws, and can give you the best advice to protect yourself.

[zouz71]

NO NO NO NO

DO NOT hack his accounts. It may be illegal ( even if he is your spouse) where you live. If it is, any information you gather can't be used anyway.

<snip>

Pepper ,She is been reading his emails in the last x years and watching his messages on his phone.

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[edith]

My husband keeps reaching out to her.

 

I saw more messages today. He’s SO graphic when he talks to her. First he asked her if he could see her today, even if only for 15 minutes, “just for a taste”, because he didn’t even want to wait until Wednesday! She says she can’t but they still have a date for Wednesday. He wants to take her to a hotel.

 

The significant part is tat she asks him if it’s been a long time for him with the oral sex, he lies and says “Years”. That is a lie. I don’t know what he does with other women, but he has it with me. Why would he want her to believe that?! Then she immediately writes “That is wrong on so many levels. A man like you shouldn’t want for anything in bed”. They continue to talk about the sex, my husband doing whatever he can to turn her on, wants to know her fantasies, tells her what he wants to do as soon as they see each other. That he wants her “dressed up, hair done, makeup and a lot of lipstick “. (This woman is the make-up/dressed up type, from pictures I’ve seen.) She tells him she “knows what he likes”.

 

I don’t know how I’m going to handle it this Wednesday. I’m definitely not in a position financially or legally to stop them from meeting, so my plan will have to wait for now. I don’t know what to think. I need to know if what they’re doing is progressing so I can get ready, but without letting him know. His interactions with other women are definitely not as involved as with this woman, they’re almost transactional. With her, he’s asking about fantasies, what does she want him to do, etc.. This kills me more than anything.

 

I honestly didn’t think he’d contact her again. I need to listen to you guys more. But it still gnaws at me that the only thing they talk about is sex. My husband seems very single-minded! If you read the messages.

[BaileyB]

You want to know what you should do on Wednesday... Go and see a lawyer. Have him served divorce papers on Thursday.

 

They are having a full-blown affair edith. He is telling her what all cheaters tell their OW - my wife is a terrible person, there is no sex at home. He manipulates her, just as he manipulates you.

[burnt]

This is post #200 on this thread. All posters can advise you again and again the same thing, but ultimately YOU are the one who needs to realize that you need to dump your cheating husband.

 

He is not worth it.

 

Wednesday your husband is going to have an AWESOME time with someone other than you. He is dying in anticipation.

 

Well, on Wednesday, you too should have an AWESOME time, with someone other than him -- talking to a divorce lawyer, that is.