I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[Crazelnut]

I know no one can say for sure, but I find myself believing his interest is only temporary. I’m trying, guys. I’m trying not to be in denial.

 

Oh my goodness, you're even in denial about being in denial.

 

We've told you a thousand times that we think he is obsessed with her. Possibly in love. There is nothing more we can say to you here. You are just avoiding the unpleasantness and pain that comes from knowing your (chronic cheater of a) husband loves another woman. We get it. But all the mental gymnastics you're doing are unnecessary. Accept it. Decide that you will live being 2nd in his heart and mind. It will be much easier for you in the long run, since you refuse to divorce him.

[TaserTag]

I really don't know how you can stand this, edith. Reading your latest posts just makes ME sick and angry, so I can't begin to imagine how you must really feel inside.

 

I think that you should leave this man, because he is such a huge liar. He is lying about you to other women and disrespecting you a thousand times over. And he is the man who should be protecting you and honoring you above anyone else. He's lying about you to stroke another woman's ego, and that fool is eating it up and trying to compete with you by 'putting on more lipstick' and talking trash about you. Ugh.

 

At the very least, I think you should use what is in your power to put an end to the lalaland that your husband and this fool of another woman are living in. Tell the other woman's husband and show him copies of these emails and see how quickly their grand romance sinks. Let her own husband put an end to it. Or contact her yourself and tell her that she's an idiot, you and your husband have a great sex life and he's just a cheater, and she needs to tell her husband about them or you will.

 

Do *something.* Don't just sit there and let them continue their games. I know that you don't want to divorce your husband, but I don't think there's much chance at all of your husband actually leaving you. Read the many threads on this forum and husbands rarely leave the wife for the side piece. He already lies to her about his relationship with you, so their relationship is as built on lies as your own, but you have a business, home and children with him (which makes him even less likely to leave you, but is also sad for you, because I think you could do a lot better than your husband).

 

Put an end to this affair, stick up for yourself, demand better, or just get a divorce and find better... I could absolutely not stand being put through the disrespect that they are putting you through, and you should not stand for it either.

[elaine567]

Is your husband ever abusive?

[zouz71]

Is your husband ever abusive?

 

very good question , because you have to careful , he might hurt you if things escalates

edith , you need to collect evidences , and onstall a camera in the house , where u sit facing it at evry occasion u talk

[BaileyB]

edith , you need to collect evidences , and onstall a camera in the house , where u sit facing it at evry occasion u talk

 

With all due respect to those who say edith should hire an investigator and collect evidence... how much more evidence do you think this woman needs to convince her that she has an adulterous husband? Even edith doesn’t dispute the fact that he has been lying and cheating on her with numerous women for years. Seriously, with what she knows she would be very justified if she chose to leave the marriage tomorrow...

 

Hiring an investigator, putting a camera in the home, even continuing to monitor his phone is rather inconsequential at this point... there is nothing new to be gained, it would be a waste of time and money.

[zouz71]

With all due respect to those who say edith should hire an investigator and collect evidence... how much more evidence do you think this woman needs to convince her that she has an adulterous husband? Even edith doesn’t dispute the fact that he has been lying and cheating on her with numerous women for years. Seriously, with what she knows she would be very justified if she chose to leave the marriage tomorrow...

 

Hiring an investigator, putting a camera in the home, even continuing to monitor his phone is rather inconsequential at this point... there is nothing new to be gained, it would be a waste of time and money.

 

 

She knows and convinced that he is cheating , however she doesn't accept the facts .

 

 

The evidences are not for her , they are to be used in the future in her case , if adultery is convicted in a marriage in her state , otehrwise if she needs to expose the OW she will be able to do so on a strong base.

 

 

private investigators are expensive , tools are not .

 

 

best

[edith]

No, he’s not abusive. I hadn’t considered the consequences of telling him I know everything, but I don’t feel I’d be in danger. Thank you very much for all the input. I’m trying to make this work with the feelings of dread, hurt and anger that come over me without warning. Today is the day and I can barely look at him. He knows something is wrong, but not what. I’m not a good enough writer to convey how much it hurts me not only that he feels the need to step out of our marriage, but that on top of that, he has feelings for her. I’m seriously considering letting it all go and no longer monitoring him. This has taken a toll on my mental health and the stress of this affair has me ready to give up.

[stillafool]

No, he’s not abusive. I hadn’t considered the consequences of telling him I know everything, but I don’t feel I’d be in danger. Thank you very much for all the input. I’m trying to make this work with the feelings of dread, hurt and anger that come over me without warning. Today is the day and I can barely look at him. He knows something is wrong, but not what. I’m not a good enough writer to convey how much it hurts me not only that he feels the need to step out of our marriage, but that on top of that, he has feelings for her. I’m seriously considering letting it all go and no longer monitoring him. This has taken a toll on my mental health and the stress of this affair has me ready to give up.

 

I really feel that would be the best thing for your emotional health since you are going to stay with him. No use upsetting yourself on a daily basis.

[zouz71]

No, he’s not abusive. I hadn’t considered the consequences of telling him I know everything, but I don’t feel I’d be in danger. Thank you very much for all the input. I’m trying to make this work with the feelings of dread, hurt and anger that come over me without warning. Today is the day and I can barely look at him. He knows something is wrong, but not what. I’m not a good enough writer to convey how much it hurts me not only that he feels the need to step out of our marriage, but that on top of that, he has feelings for her. I’m seriously considering letting it all go and no longer monitoring him. This has taken a toll on my mental health and the stress of this affair has me ready to give up.

 

 

I am really sorry for what you are going through ,

 

 

 

I do understand as apposed to some others what keeps you in this marriage ;

 

it is not just wealth , you consider that even with this it is not worth destroying a family ...

 

 

I advise you dear , not to burry your feelings , do one thing today :

 

 

-just at the time of the supposed date , send him a message :

 

 

"I don't know why but i feel you are distant now , in another world , I love you but have a gut feeling that something is taking you away, from my love for you , from your family ,whatever it is , don't let it destroy the lovely family you have , it is not worth it ."

[zouz71]

let's see if this changes his mind , or make him feel guilty .

if it doesn't ... he is not worth your emotions at all even if you decide to stay in this rotten marriage.

[elaine567]

What excuse has he made to you for going out and meeting this woman today? Should he not be at work, at home?

[Amethyst68]

Are you truly going to sit back passively and let your husband go and have sex with another woman while you do nothing to prevent it?

 

What happens after? Will you be able to go on having sex with him? What if his exploits today leave him so turned on he reaches for you tonight?

 

Look it's obvious you're not looking to leave your marriage, this is the most circular thread I've seen in a long time but you should at least make your husband aware that his actions have consequences.

 

As I mentioned before be careful what you're teaching your children is acceptable behavior. You may think they are unaware of what's going on but there are numerous stories on this and other forums where the children have actually known a great deal if not all of what is going on. Especially these days when kids are often more tech savvy than their parents!

[edith]

You guys are not going to believe what happened. SHE CANCELLED ON HIM.

 

I saw he was in an awful mood this morning, which is not like him. He’d told me he’d be going out for drinks with friends tonight. I asked him about it and he said he changed his mind.

 

I was itching to find some time to check his messages. I finally did and she’s sent one saying this:

 

“I can’t see you tonight. I’m sorry. I will try to change my mind and maybe we’ll be able to see each other at some point. I just don’t have the courage right now.”

 

It took him a few minutes to reply and he just wrote “Ok. No worries.”

 

Now he’s in a foul mood and I’m happier than I imagined! Maybe nothing will come from this. There’s a part of me happy to see him moping around, but I also know what this means. I thought it was interesting that he didn’t complain to her or anything. What does this mean? Maybe he doesn’t care as much as I thought?

 

This is the best news I’ve gotten in a while.

[carhill]

If it didn't matter to him he wouldn't be in a foul mood over a cancellation. With friends, people cancel all the time no biggie.

 

Accept that it matters to him and move on with the M.

[Amethyst68]

He didn't argue because he didn't want to upset her, he still wants to meet up with her in the future and doesn't want to do anything that will impact that.

 

If he didn't care he wouldn't be in a foul mood, he'd just accept it and move on. Nothing we say is going to change your mind, you've got a severe case of tunnel vision when it comes to this relationship.....

[elaine567]

If he was indifferent or in a good mood due to the cancellation that would indicate he didn't care or he was relieved the meet wasn't going to happen.

The fact he is in a foul mood, means he is disappointed and upset things didn't go the way he wanted them to go.

 

 

No meet up = good, as far as you are concerned.

Foul mood = bad, as far as you are concerned

[stillafool]

He didn't have time to tell her how he really felt because he didn't want to get caught writing back a long text. He'll discuss it with her later - via phone.

[BaileyB]

Now he’s in a foul mood and I’m happier than I imagined! Maybe nothing will come from this. There’s a part of me happy to see him moping around, but I also know what this means. I thought it was interesting that he didn’t complain to her or anything. What does this mean? Maybe he doesn’t care as much as I thought?

 

This is the best news I’ve gotten in a while.

 

What does this mean? Your husband was planning to have sex with another woman tonight and the only reason why it is not happening is because SHE had a crisis of confidence and backed out.

 

That is not good news for you. If not this woman, it will be another. Your husband did not tell this woman that he loved his wife and decided that he couldn’t betray her in this way... you are a fool to think that this is good news.

 

But hey, go right ahead and put your head back in the sand...

[edith]

All valid points. What do you guys think it means that she backed out? Guilt? So this probably means she loves her husband and not mine. This is good news, in my view. I do see how backing out didn’t come from him, but if anyone knew how rotten I was feeling before, what I’m feeling now is relief. Because IF he is in love with her, her backing out will probably affect how he feels about her.

[TaserTag]

I do not think that your husband is in love with this other woman, you, or anyone. He's lying to everyone and just looking for sex and excitement wherever he can find it. He's looking for the ego boost of 'being wanted sexually.' He needs that validation for whatever sad reason. And that has nothing to do with love. The other woman does not love your husband either (she does not even really know him), and is probably also just looking for an extra ego boost and some excitement. Your husband lies to her, at the least, about you and his home life, so the other woman does not even know who he really is.

 

It does not really matter why the other woman backed out. It's possible that she gets all of her fulfillment and excitement by stringing your husband along through emails and such. Maybe that's enough of an ego stroke for her. I doubt that she loves her own husband, with the way that she is carrying on with your husband. Your husband and the other woman just seem like bored people looking for some excitement.

 

You seem fine with your husband's other affairs, and if you are okay with him sleeping with other people, then I really don't think that you need to worry about this other woman either. They are using each other to feed their own egos and to feel excitement on the side. I don't see anything particularly special here. He keeps trying to sleep with her, she backs out a lot, they flirt on email and lie to each other about how great they are... he's probably chasing her because she keeps backing off and he needs to have her to validate himself. I don't think that's love at all.

[elaine567]

WE have no idea what your husbands feelings are for this woman.

Is she the love of his life and he has spent 10 years chasing her or is she just a fall back women he uses for sex when he is going through a dry spell...

Only he knows that.

 

Also we have no idea as to where his mind is at.

Is he in this marriage for life, or is he just treading water till he gets a better offer or he can pluck up the courage to leave...

All very well to quote statistics or experiences gleaned from forums, but everyone is an individual, we have no idea what this man has planned for his life.

Some men leave for other women, some men leave to explore new frontiers, some men leave as they are in mental turmoil, some men leave as they are feeling smothered and trapped, some men leave to find themselves...

To say men never leave is perhaps lulling the OP into a false sense of security...

[georgia girl]

I do not think that your husband is in love with this other woman, you, or anyone. He's lying to everyone and just looking for sex and excitement wherever he can find it. He's looking for the ego boost of 'being wanted sexually.' He needs that validation for whatever sad reason. And that has nothing to do with love. The other woman does not love your husband either (she does not even really know him), and is probably also just looking for an extra ego boost and some excitement. Your husband lies to her, at the least, about you and his home life, so the other woman does not even know who he really is.

 

It does not really matter why the other woman backed out. It's possible that she gets all of her fulfillment and excitement by stringing your husband along through emails and such. Maybe that's enough of an ego stroke for her. I doubt that she loves her own husband, with the way that she is carrying on with your husband. Your husband and the other woman just seem like bored people looking for some excitement.

 

You seem fine with your husband's other affairs, and if you are okay with him sleeping with other people, then I really don't think that you need to worry about this other woman either. They are using each other to feed their own egos and to feel excitement on the side. I don't see anything particularly special here. He keeps trying to sleep with her, she backs out a lot, they flirt on email and lie to each other about how great they are... he's probably chasing her because she keeps backing off and he needs to have her to validate himself. I don't think that's love at all.

 

I think this post is dead on. I am glad you are relieved for your sake, but I doubt this “episode” is over. He is going to try again, probably reaching out in the next few days and she will likely respond. At some point, they may very well reach the point of no return where she doesn’t back down. May not be this time, may not be when they restart this dance again a few months from now, but I predict they will cross the line.

 

Edith, do you want a better marriage? Do you think you guys can start talking about fidelity or get some counseling? You can share that you are willing to forgive and that you want the marriage, but I think without a little honesty and tough conversation, your marriage is going to slowly attrition away.

[Artdeco]

The most disturbing thing about this story - other than the fact that you’ve put up with it in SILENCE for almost 10 years - is that you’re actually relieved that SHE cancelled on your husband. What is there to be relieved about? It looks like she holds all the cards, and he’s sitting there in limbo waiting until she throws him a bone, while you’re the one keeping the M intact without him knowing what you know. How’s that working for you? Why is it that you put up with multiple affairs, at least one of them being something more? Isn’t that soul crushing? If you don’t want to get divorced, ask yourself why that is. What’s your fear? How much worse does it have to get for you to see that he’s disrespecting you to the core?

 

If you’re so afraid of splitting up, at least have an honest, open conversation with him. Confront him - like yesterday. He needs to know that he’s dealing with a spouse who has a backbone. Be that wife who shows her backbone, or he’ll walk all over you for the next 10-20 years. I mean, what do you get out of this marriage? Can’t be love. Can’t be money (there’s not enough money in the world to make somebody live through this). Hope? I really want to understand this better. You did mention kids and family, but you’ve created a monster ...... you live with a man who thinks he can do as he pleases, having multiple sex partners and such, and you live in a family where you can’t even say what bothers you, because nobody knows what you know. You can’t be yourself in this relationship. That’s sad. It’s such a fake environment you’re living in. Doesn’t that make you incredibly sad?

[BaileyB]

All valid points. What do you guys think it means that she backed out? Guilt? So this probably means she loves her husband and not mine. This is good news, in my view. I do see how backing out didn’t come from him, but if anyone knew how rotten I was feeling before, what I’m feeling now is relief. Because IF he is in love with her, her backing out will probably affect how he feels about her.

 

edith, you are really grasping at straws here. If anything, I would think that backing out would probably only make him want to pursue her more. If you are thinking that he is going to become frustrated and let this go... the last ten years would prove otherwise.

 

As to whether she loves her husband not yours, or whether your husband loves her and not you... I don't think any one of you knows what true love is - if you did, they wouldn't be doing what they are doing and you wouldn't be tolerating this kind of behavior from your husband.

[edith]

Great posts. I really appreciate each one of you who takes the time to help.

 

I’ll try to answer all the questions. It’s not that I am afraid of splitting up, I simply know that my children would suffer terribly without their father at home. They are VERY close. I’m content to stick to my part of a promise I made myself: that, no matter what, I would raise these children with a father at home. Once the children leave, I can reassess.

 

All of my pain comes in waves. Your posts are very sobering. I can see now how she really is holding all the cards. She decides when my husband wants me, and when he does t. She’s not the one dealing with his bad temper and foul mood - she gets the “understanding him”, she doesn’t have to worry, he’s still there and will be when she decides to come back - this is what I got from his calm response to her.

 

My commitment to my children is bigger than my commitment to myself. I can get through this.

 

But most of the time, what rings in my ear is a post on page 3 of this thread, where someone wrote that “Men don’t chase a woman for 10 years because of good head.” That made me wake up in more ways than one. I am coming to terms with the fact that he will always be there for her. The excruciating truth is that he’s not there for me in this way. She has parts of him I never get. And why? And how? She can’t possibly know him like I do.