I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[LightestofCadmiums]

I normally read Loveshack, but joined because this thread has been driving me up the wall bonkers. No matter how long you bury your head underneath the covers and behave coyly, you are pro cheating and you promote your husband to go out, hunt, lie, and groom women, for his obvious overblown ego and entitlements.

I joined for the most part, because I either missed reading or have not read one post explaining why your husband does what he does, as i see it.

He is a USER, yes plain although not simple, a user. He uses you to cook, launder, clean, and babysit which takes care of all his housing needs. He uses other women to build his ego and receive wild and passionate sex.

Of course it is odd that these two have only spoken here or there over the course of a decade, because that is what it is and nothing else, he is a USER. My guess is he has a long term affair that you have no clue about and when they are off, he runs to, Miss HideandSeek every so often as the rebound gal, USING her.

I agree with the poster your husband has little love to share when he only loves himself and his needs come first. I totally disagree that he loves the blo job girl because this makes her think she is somehow not spoiled goods and this is silly and delusional.

How much porn does your husband have stashed and secret files hidden that you have no idea are there and no way to find and open without a professional doing so. I would place a keylogger on all his devices.

If he is a fantastic father as you claim he is, then he will remain a fantastic father for his children should you divorce him. Children handle divorces well, if their parents handle it well, behave as adults, and leave adult issues to adults to handle. I disagree with anyone suggesting kids be told adult issues to sway them to act out against and hate a parent with marital issues that do not have anything to do with them.

Edith, when are you going to start loving yourself? I have never read any post as odd as this one. You live life as if looking through a film and watching another person's life, in awe, as if it is a daytime soap opera. When are you going to start living your own life.

Do you love your husband at all? It does not seem like you do. If you did, even with the healthiest of attachment styles and healthy independence, not having any reaction at all, would make me think my spouse could care less about me, if he had learned I was running around with countless men for many years and never said one word about it and never reacted, sharing no emotions to the point of never mentioning it.

Isn't it time for you to take a stand so all these questions if he loves, does not love, his thoughts, his meaning, his intentions can come from the only source that knows, your husband.

[zouz71]

Great posts. I really appreciate each one of you who takes the time to help.

 

I’ll try to answer all the questions. It’s not that I am afraid of splitting up, I simply know that my children would suffer terribly without their father at home. They are VERY close. I’m content to stick to my part of a promise I made myself: that, no matter what, I would raise these children with a father at home. Once the children leave, I can reassess.

 

All of my pain comes in waves. Your posts are very sobering. I can see now how she really is holding all the cards. She decides when my husband wants me, and when he does t. She’s not the one dealing with his bad temper and foul mood - she gets the “understanding him”, she doesn’t have to worry, he’s still there and will be when she decides to come back - this is what I got from his calm response to her.

 

My commitment to my children is bigger than my commitment to myself. I can get through this.

 

But most of the time, what rings in my ear is a post on page 3 of this thread, where someone wrote that “Men don’t chase a woman for 10 years because of good head.” That made me wake up in more ways than one. I am coming to terms with the fact that he will always be there for her. The excruciating truth is that he’s not there for me in this way. She has parts of him I never get. And why? And how? She can’t possibly know him like I do.

 

 

Edith , May God bless your soul for your commitment ,

 

 

I think irrespective of what emotions exists between them , they both wants to stay in their marriage yet enjoy on the borderline of physical affair .

 

 

She is freaking because up to now all playful things she did with your husband are not considered cheating in her dictionary ( though it is ) .

 

 

she doesn't want to have a full sexual experience with your husband because emotionally she will have feelings toward him , and put her marriage in risk .

 

 

How courageous you are to confront that woman alone , threatening her that you will expose her ; this will make her dump him .

 

 

 

 

or you can find a way to make her think that her husband is suspicious about her .

 

 

 

 

Best

[donotmicrowave]

At this point, I am not sure why so many are upset with the husband.

 

This woman isn't simply in denial. She has rolled herself out into a doormat. She has chosen this for herself AND HER CHILDREN. These poor kids are not stupid and have to grow up in that kind of an environment. If she was serious about wanting best for her kids, she would have divorced that man, gotten herself together and and let the kids find a better example.

 

That man has gotten a free pass and probably knows it. He takes what he's given.

 

This is coming from someone who grew up with a cheating parent. I wish my father had gotten out. I bloody wish.

[Crazelnut]

It’s not that I am afraid of splitting up, I simply know that my children would suffer terribly without their father at home. They are VERY close. I’m content to stick to my part of a promise I made myself: that, no matter what, I would raise these children with a father at home. Once the children leave, I can reassess.

<snip>

My commitment to my children is bigger than my commitment to myself. I can get through this.

This is utter nonsense. I was going to use a stronger term, but figured it'd get edited anyway. 31% of all children in the US live in single parent households. MILLIONS of children live through divorce and turn out just fine. Can't you see that you are actually harming your children by allowing them to grow up with such a horrible example of marriage? And sorry, but any man who is busy chasing tail is NOT a good father. He should be giving all his love and time and attention to his family, not the femme du jour. And certainly not a long term fling he's been chasing after for 10 years.

 

You are just avoiding doing the hard thing. You would rather be a doormat than address the elephant in the room.

[donotmicrowave]

My commitment to my children is bigger than my commitment to myself. I can get through this.

 

You are hurting your children. You will absolutely destroy them. You selfish woman, as long as you get your "trophy man".

[elaine567]

I also cannot see how a woman who is "heartbroken" and who is constantly on edge and upset over her cheating husband can be a good parent to her children.

Children readily pick up on emotional vibes and whilst they may not know all the gory details, they will definitely know something is very wrong here.

A man with a "bad temper and foul moods" whose mind is constantly on his extramarital sexual conquests and a woman tormented by waves of emotional pain.

Great parents...

Exactly what every child needs.

[Artdeco]

I also cannot see how a woman who is "heartbroken" and who is constantly on edge and upset over her cheating husband can be a good parent to her children.

Children readily pick up on emotional vibes and whilst they may not know all the gory details, they will definitely know something is very wrong here.

A man with a "bad temper and foul moods" whose mind is constantly on his extramarital sexual conquests and a woman tormented by waves of emotional pain.

Great parents...

Exactly what every child needs.

 

I agree. What you’re putting up with is bad for your self-esteem, and consequently bad for your parenting. You’re not doing your kids a favor at all.

[zouz71]

the only explanation I can find is that maybe edith is an expat in US or western country , she comes from a community that will not welcome her if she divorce and go back to her place , and she can't stand on her feet , so technically if she divorce she will have to stand on her feet , work anything and build her future with her hands ,

 

under the umbrella of sticking to kids , she feels safer ...

 

 

edith , is my assumption true ?

[stillafool]

Great posts. I really appreciate each one of you who takes the time to help.

 

I’ll try to answer all the questions. It’s not that I am afraid of splitting up, I simply know that my children would suffer terribly without their father at home. They are VERY close. I’m content to stick to my part of a promise I made myself: that, no matter what, I would raise these children with a father at home. Once the children leave, I can reassess.

 

All of my pain comes in waves. Your posts are very sobering. I can see now how she really is holding all the cards. She decides when my husband wants me, and when he does t. She’s not the one dealing with his bad temper and foul mood - she gets the “understanding him”, she doesn’t have to worry, he’s still there and will be when she decides to come back - this is what I got from his calm response to her.

 

My commitment to my children is bigger than my commitment to myself. I can get through this.

 

But most of the time, what rings in my ear is a post on page 3 of this thread, where someone wrote that “Men don’t chase a woman for 10 years because of good head.” That made me wake up in more ways than one. I am coming to terms with the fact that he will always be there for her. The excruciating truth is that he’s not there for me in this way. She has parts of him I never get. And why? And how? She can’t possibly know him like I do.

 

Yes he will always be there for her. Guess what? He will always be there for his kids as well. Keeping your kids in a home where they see there mother get constantly abused is not healthy. You are teaching your daughters that it is okay to be abused by men and your sons that it is perfectly okay to abuse women. You are holding on to this man because of your extreme love for him which he does not have for you. You don't want to give up your comfortable home and lifestyle so you would rather be abused and use you kids as an excuse. A strong woman would lace up her boots and get to work on correcting their situation. Edith he probably loathes you for being so weak. It is not attractive when you lay down and be a doormat for a person. As a matter of fact it is a real turn off.

[edith]

Wow, I definitely wasn’t expecting all of this criticism. I am in the US, born and raised. I just have very traditional views of marriage. And my children simply will not grow up in a single parent home. Now, I’d like to redirect this thread to the main issue: my husband’s cheating.

 

He contacted the woman again this morning. I was able to see her Facebook and she had posted something about the best way to sleep is to have a clear conscience. Immediately after, my husband messaged her. I got the full messages.

 

He messaged her and she replied by apologizing for not being able to go yesterday, he acted very understanding, then added”I’ll just have to continue to jerk off”. Telling comment, because he can have sex at home anytime he wants it. But he wants her to believe he’s neglected.

 

They spent a long time going back and forth about sex, fantasies, she said her husband wouldn’t try certain things, and my husband basically competing with her husband and saying he’d try anything she wanted. At one point she said she’d only been with her husband and not anyone other than my husband, and his response was positive. As if that matters to him. He was all over her, asking about her fantasies and what did she want him to do to her.

 

I never expect he’d go looking for her so soon, the day after she blew him off? I should have listened when one of you said he’d be back in touch with her. I was fully expecting him to let her go after she turned him down. And they’re all over each other again. Thank you all for listening. Writing these things helps me to process them.

[edith]

In one of the messages, he tells her “You know you can trust me...”. Trust? In a sex only affair? They’re making all of these plans for the next time they meet up. And multiple times he wrote “Its up to you”, or “I’ll do whatever you want”. I can’t bring myself to stop checking. And I can’t confront him. I don’t want to lose my husband.

[Orokotikki]

I don’t want to lose my husband.

 

I'm sorry but you already have.

 

The only chance to get him to stop cheating is to make him face consequences. You have to be willing to risk losing the marriage to save it, otherwise you just live in a twisted mockery of one.

 

So sorry you are here, best of luck.

[LightestofCadmiums]

I also cannot see how a woman who is "heartbroken" and who is constantly on edge and upset over her cheating husband can be a good parent to her children.

Children readily pick up on emotional vibes and whilst they may not know all the gory details, they will definitely know something is very wrong here.

A man with a "bad temper and foul moods" whose mind is constantly on his extramarital sexual conquests and a woman tormented by waves of emotional pain.

Great parents...

Exactly what every child needs.

 

 

Is she in emotional pain? It seems Edith is enjoying the lifestyle and imo I have felt no emotions at all pouring out from how she expresses them in her writing. If reversed, a woman (breadwinner) married to a man who tends to the house and kids, and has knowledge his wife is running around sleeping with countless men, and shrugs at the affairs, basically saying 'meh,' until perhaps (1) is seen as a risk of snatching his lifestyle, so he focuses on this affair to make sure it is not a threat to his trophies and easy living.

 

I believe a male would be seen as a moocher, user, or gold digger.

 

If Edith does have insurmountable anxiety, pain, and grief built up for years ll held inside, what happens when the youngest leaves and so does the serial philanderer who decides he wants to become a single player. Will Edith blow and lose her mind? It will way to late at that point and she will regret not growing a backbone and demanding some respect and fidelity.

 

Heck, at this moment he is acting as if he is a single man. I believe men can cheat and maintain the love and care for their wives, except the serial cheater, a man/woman who cheats throughout their entire marriage.

[elaine567]

I never expect he’d go looking for her so soon, the day after she blew him off? I should have listened when one of you said he’d be back in touch with her. I was fully expecting him to let her go after she turned him down. And they’re all over each other again. Thank you all for listening. Writing these things helps me to process them.

 

 

That was wishful thinking.

"Cultivating" an OW can be difficult. Most stable strong women, totally reject him and tell him to go back to his wife...

Here, he no doubt identified a weakness in this woman's marriage/life in general, so he managed to worm his way in.

She was/is probably hungry for validation/attention/sex/love, so she has been happy to keep him around.

He will not let this one go, if he can help it.

There is a bit of a joke on the OW forums - sooner or later the MM always comes back...

[elaine567]

Is she in emotional pain?

She says she is.

[LightestofCadmiums]

In one of the messages, he tells her “You know you can trust me...”. Trust? In a sex only affair? They’re making all of these plans for the next time they meet up. And multiple times he wrote “Its up to you”, or “I’ll do whatever you want”. I can’t bring myself to stop checking. And I can’t confront him. I don’t want to lose my husband.

 

 

I will give your spouse the benefit of a doubt, that he is intelligent, and can see right through this gals game. He is a serial cheater and once he does bed her and receives more than a blo job , he will likely let her go. He asks about her fantasies, not marriage material questions or any questions regarding any future. They hardly know one another and have spoken infrequently over 10 years. Add up the math, they have known one another intimately in real life time for around 4 weeks.

 

The meme, really? The meme girls are something else. Sleeping with a conscious, yet she is speaking about sexual fantasies and giving blo jobs to another man besides her own husband. I doubt any man would see her as virtuous. She is in a full blown delusion.

You have your moment Edith, go write something snarky under here FB meme about what the meme is actually about. Say: Hello (waves) do you sleep with a conscious before or after blowing my husband here or there over the years? How's your lovely husband Frank (her husband) doing?

[stillafool]

He's already had sex with the other woman.

[LightestofCadmiums]

He's already had sex with the other woman.

 

Excuse me if I missed them having intercourse, I have been busy banging my head on the wall over this thread. Isn't Bambi the other woman who feels she is not breaking her vowels or betraying her husband by only handing out blow jobs to other men.

 

This made me reevaluate some on the situation.

 

Earth to Edith: your husband has not had enough time in the company of this woman to be in love, he is on lust mode. She, however, is an actress, a player herself. I highly doubt her husband was her first rodeo in the sack. Her pressing this issue makes me believe thou protest too much. Give me a break. Her coy and manipulative behavior is dangerous, because she is playing little damsel in virtuous distress.

 

Stop this train and regain some strength, dignity, respect, and lay out your boundaries to your husband. He may need this and may need to see you do this and take a stand. He may think you could care less what he does. He is a cheater, so he is likely to be suspicious of you and knows you know and have never spoken up. Show some passion and spirit to relight the flames in this marriage.

Edited December 13, 2018 by LightestofCadmiums

[elaine567]

Add up the math, they have known one another intimately in real life time for around 4 weeks.

Not true, they used to work together.

#128

Edited December 13, 2018 by elaine567

[LightestofCadmiums]

Not true, they used to work together

 

That still does not add up at all with the short times they have been intimate and while she attempt to direct their conversation to ones of substance, he re routes the conversation back to sexual fantasies and masturbation.

She is a fallback girl, the every 5 year rub and sniff. He goes sniffing when his well is dry.

 

The meme on FB spells trouble and I have found that women who play out their thoughts, moods, and drama through this means tend to have a few issues, and i will leave it at that, issues, to be kind.

 

It is not her husband I am worried about having anything other than fantasies at this point, but more worried this gal is full of it, is playing the game, and is delusional. She is desperate for him to see her as some illogical virtuous blow job princess, who is fantastic and wonderful for protecting her husband??? while countless men seek out hookers for blow jobs.

 

I do think it is wise for Edith to step in and take control of the situation and she needs to be the one to do it with some flair and passion. She needs to take a stand and make a statement. Her husband is going nowhere at this time.

Edited December 13, 2018 by LightestofCadmiums

[LightestofCadmiums]

Not true, they used to work together.

#128

 

I do understand your position and of course there may be more, but she is married, not single. If she were single, and readily available, then he would be taking huge chances keeping in touch even sporadically. I have not read anything Edith is reading into that is close to meaning he is closer with this one.

Trust means trust as in the 2 cheating trust to keep it a sexual rendezvous, and be careful with their spouses not finding out. He is still in a cheater's mind protecting Edith. But, Edith needs to be concerned more about this one's motives and playing a part, an actress. She wants to gain some grounding. Edith needs to put a halt to it, imo.

[elaine567]

I do understand your position and of course there may be more, but she is married, not single. If she were single, and readily available, then he would be taking huge chances keeping in touch even sporadically. I have not read anything Edith is reading into that is close to meaning he is closer with this one.

 

The difference being that this has been going on for 10 years, the other women were in short lived "affairs" with her husband, the affair crashed and burned and the women were never heard of again.

This relationship is the gift that keeps on giving.

[edith]

I’m glad someone is finally seeing into the other woman’s game - this is exactly what she’s doing. The damsel in distress. I don’t have the time to transcribe messages, but her story is basically that her husband isn’t adventurous, she’d like to try new things, my husband is her “sex twin” and is saving her from her marriage. She harps on how much alike they are and she subtly badmouths me. The sad thing is if you see my husband’s responses, he falls for it every time, especially when she talks about how she’s “only been with one man”. Yes, one plus mine. That’s exactly what she is - an actress. I don’t think my husband sees that.

 

Today is a tough day for me. I went back to the messages I was able to find today and they ended weirdly. It put a lump in my throat. She wrote something like “I could never get enough of you”. My husband wrote “I wish...”. She stopped writing, and so did he. This tells me his comment crossed some kind of imaginary line.

 

It’s funny how I become an expectador and yet I feel secure in my place. The person who mentioned my husband isn’t going anywhere is probably correct. So in my mind, I should still be able to maintain our marriage intact if this affair can blow over. Is it ever possible to not feel anything over this kind of betrayal?

 

Because I hide in the bathroom to cry so my children won’t see me. I sleep next to him at night and wonder if he’s thinking about her. I can gauge how their affair is going that day by his mood. Did she reply to him, did she not? Is he happy or angry? All I want is to feel nothing, because the way out of this mess is not one I’m willing to take.

[Artdeco]

I’m glad someone is finally seeing into the other woman’s game - this is exactly what she’s doing. The damsel in distress. I don’t have the time to transcribe messages, but her story is basically that her husband isn’t adventurous, she’d like to try new things, my husband is her “sex twin” and is saving her from her marriage. She harps on how much alike they are and she subtly badmouths me. The sad thing is if you see my husband’s responses, he falls for it every time, especially when she talks about how she’s “only been with one man”. Yes, one plus mine. That’s exactly what she is - an actress. I don’t think my husband sees that.

 

Today is a tough day for me. I went back to the messages I was able to find today and they ended weirdly. It put a lump in my throat. She wrote something like “I could never get enough of you”. My husband wrote “I wish...”. She stopped writing, and so did he. This tells me his comment crossed some kind of imaginary line.

 

It’s funny how I become an expectador and yet I feel secure in my place. The person who mentioned my husband isn’t going anywhere is probably correct. So in my mind, I should still be able to maintain our marriage intact if this affair can blow over. Is it ever possible to not feel anything over this kind of betrayal?

 

Because I hide in the bathroom to cry so my children won’t see me. I sleep next to him at night and wonder if he’s thinking about her. I can gauge how their affair is going that day by his mood. Did she reply to him, did she not? Is he happy or angry? All I want is to feel nothing, because the way out of this mess is not one I’m willing to take.

 

Dude, I don’t know why you’re so focused on what she’s doing, what she’s thinking, and whether or not she’s an actress or a damsel in distress, and whatnot. Why does it matter? Are you living with your husband, or with her?

 

He’s the one who is supposed to be loyal to you, not she, so how can it make you feel any better if she is the one playing games? It makes it even worse actually, because she indirectly dictates your life by interfering with your husband’s moods. How is that any better than an “actual” affair? What’s the difference? You’re apparently not happy if you cry all the time hiding in the bathroom. And I don’t know how old your kids are, but the way you’re living your life is definitely not guiding them in the right direction and is not providing a safe home for them, either. They apparently live with a mother who’s unable to think/act for herself. You’re not protecting your “family” by suffering in silence and obsessing over what some third party is thinking/planning. You have no influence there. Is it really true that your H has been having affairs throughout all your marriage, or sex encounters, or whatever you call it? And you’ve never said a WORD?

 

Your fear of confronting him is paralyzing you, and you’re just distracting yourself with all your e-mail-reading; that way, you don’t have to be proactive, I get it - and using your kids as an excuse is really not getting you anywhere, either. What do you think your kids will think of you if they find out what their dad has been up to all their lives? I can tell you that they won’t respect you much for that. The best you will probably get from them is pity, let’s hope it’s not disrespect.

[elaine567]

What do you think your kids will think of you if they find out what their dad has been up to all their lives? I can tell you that they won’t respect you much for that. The best you will probably get from them is pity, let’s hope it’s not disrespect.

 

Friend of mine had a very abusive childhood, his father regularly beat him up. As he got older he kind of forgave his father, (he also had a bad upbringing). They never got that close but OK.

However he actively hated his mother.

I asked him why, since it was his father who was the abusive one, the bully, the one that did the damage. He said it was his mother's job to protect him, and she stayed silent, he couldn't forgive her for that...