I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[sandylee1]

As you've confirmed he's married...please steer clear. It won't end well and you have your son to think about.

 

If you said he was single and nothing to do with anyone close to you...I really wouldn't blame you. Not one tiny bit.

 

What you need to think about...is what's your end game here? If you want to know if other men find you attractive...that's easy to test...but where would it get you?

 

 

I'm the kind of person who would likely have a revenge affair to feel better...because if itss good for the goose......but not with a married man.

 

Right now your head is a mess. Concentrate on the therapy and in time you'll hopefully figure out what you want.

 

Bringing another man in the mix is not what you need.

[diddilybop]

So do you guys think that what the coach has done is flirting? What I’ve noticed the most is the staring and the extra attention at practices, but I’m so out of it when it comes to flirting, I honestly can’t tell. To be even more honest, I don’t see myself going after a married man. He would have to do all the work!

 

yikes. after all the advice and energy that many of the posters have given you, it STILL feels like you're missing the point. it's just too depressing for me to watch anymore. and with that, i'm out.

 

good luck, edith.

Edited December 24, 2018 by diddilybop

[georgia girl]

Honestly, Edith, I don’t think he’s flirting. I think you are reacting emotionally with everything you have been through and possibly seeing things that aren’t there. It’s understandable, but don’t go there. It’s not healthy for you or your children. Furthermore, I do think that you may wind up very embarrassed if he starts to suspect that you’re chasing him. I would leave it alone and work on what’s in front of you right now.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Edith, it has been several months since I last posted on LS but your thread demanded my attention and I feel compelled to add my two cents. I'm speaking based on my own experiences and much pain that I've healed from after many hours in my own therapist's office, lots of LS, lots of reading and YouTube videos on relationships, etc. Please know my intention is only to save you and your kids from a ton of pain.

 

First off, your romantic fantasy interest in a married man...just NO to that. Right now you have one wrist bleeding severely from your husband's infidelity. Becoming the other woman will be like slicing open your other wrist. It won't be long before you bleed out. That is my analogy for the emotional and spiritual devastation you are inviting onto yourself and your kids. Even if you don't care about the impact on your kids, believe me when I tell you that getting involved with another man, especially a married man, will shred the last ounce of your self-worth and any good feelings you can currently muster. If you continue down this path, be prepared to sink into a very deep depression for a long time thatwill take years to recover from, if ever. Right now you feel so justified (and short term righteousness that will dissipate into despair when you realize how fleeting the good feelings are and you're left with a much bigger mess to clean up), but truly you are only welcoming your own death sentence.

 

Consider that son's coach might be sniffing your vulnerability right now and is preparing to make you din din. You are not in an emotional state to make good decisions about trusting new people in prominent roles in your life. Remember when sharks smell blood... And you are definitely bleeding. Don't make yourself a victim all over again!

 

Also, I would like to point out that your obsession with your husband and this woman mirrors his obsession with her and her husband. I think that will give you some insight into his behavior.

 

I'm in the camp that he is emotionally invested in her somehow, but who can say how so based on what we know herein. Regardless, and more importantly, what are you going to do with that information? Does it change your marital arrangement? Or is it that you are using it as a measuring stick of your own worth and self-value (bc no-one should hand that over to another person even though it happens all the time). In the end, what is different for you in determining whether he is emotionally involved with her? It changes nothing regarding the factual circumstances, unless you are the catalyst for that change...and it seems to me you are a long way off from being that catalyst because it does not seem you want your own life to change. Ultimately you have to decide what you want for yourself, your life, what you are willing to accept, and how you can best provide for your children's security (including their emotional security!). Remember that your kids did not choose to be brought into all this. You are the adult and so is your husband, although he has chosen to introduce lots of instability to your family for his selfishness.

 

You have a whole lot to sort through in therapy. It's going to take months/years in therapy to get to the bottom of all this, but it will be well worth it! If you are not getting results with your new therapist, keep looking for one until you do. Finding a good fit with a therapist is very important. Be strong.

[edith]

Wow, what an incredible post. It is so well written and encompassing of all the information I’ve shared for over a month. I agree with you. But I can’t seem to shake my interest in this man. And things may be progressing...

 

I’m super surprised right now.

 

Last week when I suggested a soccer camp to the group of parents including the coach, I also said I’d stay to watch for the duration of the camp, 3 hours. So the other moms said we should carpool, I agreed.

 

This morning one of the moms sent a text about carpooling to me, another mom, and the coach’s wife. I again reminded them I’d be staying to watch, and the coach’s wife texts back to all of us saying this:”Just talked to my husband about it, and he is planning to stay and watch for a bit, so we will be driving anyway. He needs all the pointers he can get.”

 

So, it could be that both of them will be driving to the camp - but even if his wife is there, it won’t bother me! The fact that he has known since last week that I’d be staying to watch, and now he’s doing the same, is awesome. It might actually be better if his wife is there, I won’t be so anxious then.

 

I don’t know what to expect so tomorrow I’m going to be on pins and needles all day. I’m trying so hard not to think about him, but my mind is pretty much made up. I might be safe if he doesn’t come on to me, though, since I’m so nervous around him.

Edited April 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

Its like one of these horror movies.

Lights out, the front door seems a good safe choice, but the basement beckons, the stairs are unsafe, the murderer lurks beneath with a huge knife waiting...

Don't go in the basement, don't go in the basement...we all shriek

BUT... where does she go?... the basement...

[BTDT2012]

Edith, don't do to another woman what has been done to you. It won't make you feel better.

[RecentChange]

Edith - don’t be so blatantly desperate for attention. It’s reminiscent of an abused dog that rolls over and piddles the moment someone gives it a little attention.

 

Not to mention immoral, bad choice that will cause chaos in a number of innocent lives etc.

 

Try to remember, most people don’t just shrug when their spouse has sex with, or even flirts with another person.

 

Maybe your husband should be flirting with you rather than all the other women he enjoys lavishing attention on.

[pepperbird]

op,

if you do this, I doubt you'll like the face looking back at you in the mirror each morning. You will be part of the cause of another human being's pain, and the worst part? You already know how low that can make you feel. Instead of lusting after her husband, how about you spare his wife a thought and feel a twinge of pity for this woman who you are happy to hurt, even though she has done absolutely nothing to you.

 

Even if he was single, given everything on your plate, why add more to it?

[edith]

What a rollercoaster at the soccer camp today!

 

I got there at the same time as the coach - with his wife and all kids in tow. We both say hi to each other, I’m hanging out at the lobby and so is he. I try not to look at him, since his wife is there. I go inside the court. Ten seconds later, he follows - alone. He says hi to me with a big smile and we exchange a few words. I go back to the lobby and he follows me. I’m happy about this because I look fantastic, if I do say so myself!

 

Then I make conversation with his wife - his eyes get big. He doesn’t join. All of us go back to the court and all of a sudden, a few minutes after camp had started, all of them leave!! I felt so deflated. His wife had mentioned in a text he wanted to stay and watch “for a bit”, so I’m thinking that’s what she meant.

 

Until he walks in... choosing a door right beside me, instead of the door he had used before. He’s ALONE. He smiles and says hi again, and leans on the same post I’m leaning against. We say nothing to each other. I sit on the floor (only place to sit!), he sits a few feet away. I’m thinking this is odd - were the only parents who know each other there, why isn’t he sitting with me. So I’m deflated again !

 

Then he takes a phone call and goes outside. He comes back through the same door right beside me, and while sitting down, I ask him if the coaching he’s watching is helping him. He stops and kneels down next to me.

 

For the next 2 hours and 45 minutes, that’s where he stays - we talked, laughed, watched our kids playing, he was lavishing compliments on my son’s playing skills, and I was having a great time. At one point, I asked him “Are you staying the whole time?”. He said yes and then said, sort of anxiously, “Are you??”. I said yes.

 

Such a great time I didn’t notice my water had spilled on the floor! I left to get paper towels, at this point he was talking to one of the coaches. I come back, wipe it off the floor and he asks me what happened. Then he says he’ll take care of it - it’s still wet -, and walks to the men’s room to get more paper towels, and I follow him because my coat also got some. He goes back, wipes off the spot, and I’m embarrassed because - why is he doing this?? Then I say I’ll throw the paper towels out and he says “Don’t worry about it, I got it”. I say thank you and try not to notice that as we’re bending over at the same time, we were super close.

 

Then it all changed. He stood up. Then he looked through the glass door and said “There’s my wife, she was supposed to bring me a coffee!”. I said hi to her. He immediately moved away from me and was talking to her. He did try to involve me in a conversation with her, which I did a little. I was having a hard time processing his body language being completely different, and I only caught him quickly staring at me once. Then I said goodbye to them and left.

 

I spent the drive home wondering if all of this means he’s interested. I’m trying so hard to convince myself that I don’t want this, but today has made it very difficult. I’m still feeling deflated by how he changed when his wife showed up, but I guess that’s expected. I really want to know if I’m reading him correctly.

 

Any insights? (Not about not doing this, but about his interest.)

Edited December 27, 2018 by edith

[bathtub-row]

I think you need to screw around with this guy, wreck his marriage (because it’s wreckable), destroy the lives of his kids, and create a nightmare in your own life - because there’s not enough drama in your life as it is.

 

Your level of immaturity is completely staggering.

[RecentChange]

Edith, why are you lowering yourself to such pathetic levels? You sound like a young teen girl - who happens to be desperate for the attention of a married man.

 

Why? Will this fix any of your problems?

 

Do you want your children to be mocked and ridiculed when it comes out that their mother tried to have an affair with one of the other parents?

 

Do you want everyone to gossip and whisper about how immoral and sad you are?

 

Do you want it to come out that your husband has been banging whoever he desires because neither of you have any respect for you?

 

What good could possibly come of this? Besides a short lived ego stroke.

 

How about this - if you are all that. If you look so damn good etc, why don’t you find yourself a single man to have an affair with?

[edith]

I think you need to screw around with this guy, wreck his marriage (because it’s wreckable), destroy the lives of his kids, and create a nightmare in your own life - because there’s not enough drama in your life as it is.

 

Your level of immaturity is completely staggering.

 

What makes you think his marriage is wreckable?

[bathtub-row]

What makes you think his marriage is wreckable?

 

That would be the part you’d pick up on. Look, a guy doesn’t seek out a woman and talk to her for hours unless he wants to screw around with her. I know that makes you feel really special and that’s what you wanted to hear. When he uses you and then dumps you and you’re crushed by whatever comes of all that, you can start a whole new thread. Lol.

[edith]

Lol. That made me laugh. I think I’d stick with this thread but don’t know if that would be against the rules

 

I see what you mean. Being with him would be super risky. Our town has less than 5,000 people. Everybody knows everybody. He grew up here - I grew up in a big city. So I have to remind myself that this type of behavior in a small town would be scandalous. This could be why he’s being subtle. I don’t know.

 

I can’t begin to describe to you guys how freeing it is to not be focused on my husband and his affairs. I know this isn’t productive, but it has been a wonderful distraction. I only have a couple more months with the coach... But then - get this - his older son and my older son are in the same classroom in 5th grade.... I know, I know. This is dangerous. I get it. I’m trying to talk myself out of it.

Edited April 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[TaserTag]

Do you really have nothing better to do with your life than sleep with another woman's husband and try to break up someone else's family? Do you really not care about their children or your own? Are you really this immature and selfish?

 

You act like you think this is scandalous, dangerous and exciting, but it's just pathetic. You are hurt that your husband loves another woman, so instead of sorting out your life and marriage, you're desperate to mess around in another couple's life and wreak your own havoc. You'd rather have the make believe ego boost than deal with reality. Following around your children's coach like a desperate puppy and using your children to try to cheat on their father...

 

You and your husband are clearly just alike. I just feel sorry for the children in this mess at this point.

 

Hopefully the coach isn't a big enough scumbag to take you up on your offers.

[BaileyB]

I’m trying to talk myself out of it.

 

It certainly doesn't feel like it, based on your recent posts.

[Amethyst68]

You say it's a small town and everyone knows everyone. My take is this coach knows all about your husband's cheating and thinks it makes you an easy target. Bored, resentful wife sitting at home, doesn't really have to put much effort in, and he was right. A few glances and you're ready to what? Jump into bed with him?

 

You have a twisted view of morality and entitlement when it comes to affairs. You seem to think it's permitted as long as they're attractive. I take it this coach is also attractive then so he should be allowed to cheat on his wife, according to your own rules?

[BaileyB]

You say it's a small town and everyone knows everyone. My take is this coach knows all about your husband's cheating and thinks it makes you an easy target.

 

Or perhaps, his kindness is just pity. I too wonder if he is aware that your husband has a wandering eye, and what you mistake for flirting is actually just kindness and pity.

[pepperbird]

Lol. That made me laugh. I think I’d stick with this thread but don’t know if that would be against the rules ?

 

I see what you mean. Being with him would be super risky. Our town has less than 5,000 people. Everybody knows everybody. He grew up here - I grew up in a big city. So I have to remind myself that this type of behavior in a small town would be scandalous. This could be why he’s being subtle. I don’t know.

 

I can’t begin to describe to you guys how freeing it is to not be focused on my husband and his affairs. I know this isn’t productive, but it has been a wonderful distraction. I only have a couple more months with the coach... But then - get this - his older son and my older son are in the same classroom in 5th grade.... I know, I know. This is dangerous. I get it. I’m trying to talk myself out of it.

 

 

Wow...how could you even think of putting your son in this position?

 

I admittedly felt some pity for you before, but that has evaporated. You are just like your husband...putting your own needs ahead of your children's.

[pepperbird]

You say it's a small town and everyone knows everyone. My take is this coach knows all about your husband's cheating and thinks it makes you an easy target. Bored, resentful wife sitting at home, doesn't really have to put much effort in, and he was right. A few glances and you're ready to what? Jump into bed with him?

 

You have a twisted view of morality and entitlement when it comes to affairs. You seem to think it's permitted as long as they're attractive. I take it this coach is also attractive then so he should be allowed to cheat on his wife, according to your own rules?

 

 

 

 

I really wonder if he's even interested at all, or the op is projecting her needs onto him.

Even if he is paying attention to her, it's no compliment.

[georgia girl]

I really wonder if he's even interested at all, or the op is projecting her needs onto him.

Even if he is paying attention to her, it's no compliment.

 

I agree. I think she is reading into polite conversation and spinning a fantasy world. This guy clearly came to the event with his wife, was expecting her back and was all about his wife when she did come back. He has said nothing inappropriate or even mildly flirtatious and instead focuses on their children.

I think Edith has an overactive imagination. However, I also feel terribly bad for

Her children. Dad isn’t going to win Father of the Year with all of his extramarital affairs and Mom now appears to be fixated on restarting her personal life at the direct expense of both children (this guy is one child’s coach and the parent of a fellow classmate). Who, in this situation, is looking out for the kids?

[edith]

That’s right, guys... He’s not interested in me at all... ?

 

I got there a little early today. I wait in the lobby while my son goes straight to the court. Then the coach comes through the door... Alone ? No wife in sight, only his son. He greets me with a big smile on his face and we start talking. He then says “I’m going to have to cut out for an hour... maybe an hour and a half. I’m going to the next town over.” I then say “I might leave for a bit too, I wanted to go get some coffee”. He immediately asks “Where do you get coffee from?” I reply Starbucks, he says “I don’t know where they have a Starbucks there, but I’m happy to get you a coffee and bring it back here to you. You don’t need to go out in the rain.” ???

 

I immediately accept and say that would be great! Then another mom comes in. We start chatting so coach goes to the court door to watch the kids. He waits until the other mom leaves, then asks me how I take my coffee. I try to give him money and he says “No way! I got it. Don’t worry about it. I’ll bring you some hot coffee. Black, right?” I say yes, thank him and go put my money back.

 

As he’s leaving, he again tells me when he’ll be back. I go to sit and watch the camp.

 

About an hour and 15 minutes later, he walks in. I motion him over to where I am - we had stands to use today - he hands me the coffee and I say “Wow, thank you! You’re the best!” I also tell him I’ve saved him a seat, so he sits right next to me. Our legs don’t touch but I wish they would!

 

We spent the next hour and a half talking about everything under the sun - life, work, kids, his struggles as a coach, how he reacts to things, high school, etc. etc. One thing that stood out was when I was mentioning that I hadn’t realized how long a drive it was to the camp when I shared it with the group. He said “It’s been great!”. Then he paused and looked straight into my eyes. He said “It’s been worth every penny.” First I swooned, then I smiled and said “I agree...”

 

Towards the end, a couple whose son was with our group arrives. They’re friends from town, but much closer with the coach’s family than with mine. I immediately noticed the coach moving 2 inches or so away from me in his seat... then I saw the couple had walked in and was on the other side of the court!! I hadn’t even thought of what people might think seeing us sitting alone, together. But clearly, the coach was on it.

 

There were more furtive glances from the coach to me, complimenting my son and none of the other boys, talking only to me, etc.. Then at the end I said goodbye to him and the couple and walked to the other side of the court where my son continued to attempt goals. I wait, then I see the couple leaving and the coach and his son walking towards us to play with my son. They play together for a while, while I “coach” them ? Then the coach says goodbye with a huge smile and we part ways.

 

My son continues to play, we were in there for a while... We finally walk outside and I see the coach’s car in the parking lot, still!! I walk towards my car, which is somewhat close to his, see him pull out of the spot then stop. I look over, and the coach is waving at me. I wave back... He was obviously waiting for us to come out and I was pretty much walking on air by this point.

 

So, I don’t know if this is going anywhere, but at this point I don’t care. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve felt this happy. I know it won’t last, but I’m not walking away from it. Not now.

[sandylee1]

One thing I'll say to any men having an affair...is it can make your wife become interested in other men. Edith is a typical example of this. Starved for affection and reading meaning into every smile, glance, head tilt and movement the coach makes.

 

Edith... as we say in the UK...you can find a man to shag easily. Just don't do it so close to home.

 

It won't end well for anyone.

[georgia girl]

I have no words. This is an absolute train wreck. Edith, you talked about how your boys came first and that’s why you couldn’t divorce and now this? I want to beg you not to do this to your children but I realize it’s futile.

 

I’m out.

Edited December 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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