I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[HadMeOverABarrel]

How is your counseling going, Edith?

[PinkPampies]

Edith

 

I understand what you’re going through. It’s nice to have any kind of attention from a man while you’ve been traumatized for all these years and betrayed by your husband...

 

But just take it for what it is as a confidence boost. Maybe coach enjoys your attention. Use this as an ego boost to make yourself feel good, but do not entertain any ideas of an affair of any kind with him.

 

Use your newfound confidence to deal with your own marriage. You can divorce knowing you still got it. Your boys are better off coming FROM a broken home than IN one.

[pepperbird]

One thing I'll say to any men having an affair...is it can make your wife become interested in other men. Edith is a typical example of this. Starved for affection and reading meaning into every smile, glance, head tilt and movement the coach makes.

 

Edith... as we say in the UK...you can find a man to shag easily. Just don't do it so close to home.

 

It won't end well for anyone.

 

 

I'm doubting this is some reaction to her husband's dalliances. I doubt either of them is exactly cut from the "fidelity" cloth.

[brigit87]

Starved for affection and reading meaning into every smile, glance, head tilt and movement the coach makes.

 

 

Yes. This is what it looks like to me. I do feel empathic for OP, I know what it's like to question your own desirability and to feel the nudge of excitement when an attractive male gives you attention.

 

My husband never had an affair. If he did I'd just divorce him. But my ego would be crushed. Affairs are never good at building up self-esteem just read the stuff in the OW section.

 

However, this isn't an affair it's just a bit of nonsense. What will probably happen is you'll cross the line with him and he may reject you in such a way that you'll feel sharp shame. What will you do then?

[elaine567]

What will probably happen is you'll cross the line with him and he may reject you in such a way that you'll feel sharp shame. What will you do then?

 

 

That is the risk, or worse one and done... eek!

[Southwardbound]

That is the risk, or worse one and done... eek!

 

Trying to give your man a taste of his own - actions back by having revenge sex with someone else won’t have the effect you think. It really leaves a dirty after taste in your mouth.

As far as him ‘trusting’ her - & she him, try to remember they have been at this for years - they most likely have revealed & been very honest with each about how they feel about each other - emotionally & sexually, & about what is going on in their everyday lives with their spouses. He is meeting her needs, & she is meeting his needs - that is the bottom line & it hasn’t changed one iota for ten years. You bet they are having more than just oral sex. They are talking more than you think. They have a relationship that satifies them. The things they say to each other is just a sexual game.

You shhould be worried, cause they are patient. Sort yourself out, - for a divorce. My MM calls his W, a good little family manager who gives periodic duty sex. Is that what you want to be to your spouse? Cause your story is similar to his W’s story - but then she know’s nothing about ‘us.’

Edited December 31, 2018 by Southwardbound

[edith]

And just for the record, I could care less if he’s married. This is not about falling in love and having kids. It’s about sex. Pure and simple.

 

I disagree that he won’t try to follow through. He would have discouraged the flirting until now if that were the case. I do agree he’s enjoying it - because our interest has only been platonic for 6+ years, and this is the first time we’ve had enough contact for the flirting to escalate. It must be different for someone just reading a narrative, but I recognize his tone and looks and reactions when we are face to face. His physical interest has been clear for years - I am an attractive woman - , but the question here is whether or not he will turn it into more. I am not the kind of woman to chase a man - that’s for ugly women. Our interactions have only just started - and escalated - since basketball season started. We are both married people in a small community. It would be social suicide to come out of the blue “confessing feelings” for another parent! That’s for single, unattached and low-level people.

 

The married-but-cheating game is much more subtle and involved. We need to feel each other our first. I haven’t done anything that makes him sure of my interest. We’re both walking on eggshells and that’s what makes it exciting, in my opinion. So I guess some posters could be right.... But I highly doubt it.

[FMW]

My guess is that choosing to stay in a marriage in which you know your husband has pretty much always been unfaithful to you has caused serious emotional damage to you. It's hard if not impossible for you to have any clarity whatsoever about things through all those wounds.

 

You're reaching out desperately for any scrap of distraction and you have latched onto this situation. Fantasizing about the coach's possible interest in you provides you with a much needed ego boost and fills a need for excitement and to feel vital and alive again.

 

I know it seems fun now, but trust me, this will only make things worse for you in the future.

 

But I know, and you've explicitly said, you don't care what anyone else thinks. I understand you just need to share it. It's part of filling that need to feel wanted and vital. But at some point you will see what a destructive way you've chosen to deal with your current circumstances.

[Amethyst68]

So in just over a month you've went from stating that you're not promiscuous and would never cheat to boldly saying you're pursuing this MM for sex.

 

Which is the real you? Are you and your husband really just two of the same no boundary, low moral, type of people? Beauty is only skin deep, your recent posts certainly don't show any true attractiveness of character.

 

If you do go ahead and cheat and get caught I'd say the likelihood is your husband will go for divorce immediately, despite his own cheating.

 

Can I ask why you are posting identical posts in 2 different threads? Are you hoping to get someone to agree with you? From what I can see you are getting the same type of responses in both threads!

[brigit87]

So in just over a month you've went from stating that you're not promiscuous and would never cheat to boldly saying you're pursuing this MM for sex.

 

Which is the real you? Are you and your husband really just two of the same no boundary, low moral, type of people? Beauty is only skin deep, your recent posts certainly don't show any true attractiveness of character.

 

If you do go ahead and cheat and get caught I'd say the likelihood is your husband will go for divorce immediately, despite his own cheating.

 

Can I ask why you are posting identical posts in 2 different threads? Are you hoping to get someone to agree with you? From what I can see you are getting the same type of responses in both threads!

 

It would be good to merge the threads. In any case I don't think the OP is making rational decisions. She'll mess stuff up, then need to clean it up and hopefully won't crash to the point of no return.

 

This is a train wreck in progress.

[BaileyB]

And just for the record, I could care less if he’s married. This is not about falling in love and having kids. It’s about sex. Pure and simple.

 

That makes what you are contemplating even worse edith. You plan to use this man, to possibly destroy his marriage and reputation, to serve your own selfish purpose in much the same way your husband has used the other women...

 

I disagree that he won’t try to follow through.

 

He would have to be an absolute fool to follow through with this...

 

So in just over a month you've went from stating that you're not promiscuous and would never cheat to boldly saying you're pursuing this MM for sex!

 

Indeed. This is not the action of a woman who is a concerned mother, staying in a bad marriage for the sake of her children. If you were concerned about your children, you wouldn't be considering doing something that could absolutely devastate their world.

Edited January 1, 2019 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

That makes what you are contemplating even worse edith. You plan to use this man, to possibly destroy his marriage and reputation, to serve your own selfish purpose in much the same way your husband has used the other women...

 

 

 

He would have to be an absolute fool to follow through with this...

 

 

 

Indeed. This is not the action of a woman who is a concerned mother, staying in a bad marriage for the sake of her children. If you were concerned about your children, you wouldn't be considering doing something that could absolutely devastate their world.

 

 

the op is on track to becoming just another ws who cheats because they are selfish. Who cares what happens to the respective families so long as she gets the ego hit she wants?

btw...for someone who claims to be so foreign to affairs, she sure sees to know how to go about setting one up.

[brigit87]

the op is on track to becoming just another ws who cheats because they are selfish. Who cares what happens to the respective families so long as she gets the ego hit she wants?

btw...for someone who claims to be so foreign to affairs, she sure sees to know how to go about setting one up.

 

But the ego hit will fade. She's already displaying anger and resentment towards the wife which is actually a normal reaction for women. Women don't like sharing their men. But the OW is not the partner. Not ever.

 

Let her divorce and get out of the small town and move to Alaska. There's lots of men there to choose from. She''l forget this one in a second.

 

Also, the wife needs to dive him to work. If he gets caught how will he get to his job?

Edited January 1, 2019 by brigit87

[Mrschaney]

Wow! Confessing feelings is for “low level people”, but married people having sexual affairs is ok? Lady, I felt sorry for you in the beginning of this thread, but now I wonder why wouldnt your husband cheat on you? You get what you deserve.

[stillafool]

 

 

Indeed. This is not the action of a woman who is a concerned mother, staying in a bad marriage for the sake of her children. If you were concerned about your children, you wouldn't be considering doing something that could absolutely devastate their world.

 

I've said this all along. Edith isn't staying in her marriage for the kids it's for the man. Some women cannot be without a man and men are Edith's top priority. Edith is man crazy.

[starlight8]

I've said this all along. Edith isn't staying in her marriage for the kids it's for the man. Some women cannot be without a man and men are Edith's top priority. Edith is man crazy.

 

I agree.

I've just read the entire thread and....wow.

The level of selfishness is astounding.

 

And this whole martyr act of masquerading behind the facade of caring for the kids is the worst bit of all. She doesn't give one real iota of a hoot towards their true wellbeing. Notice how in everyone of her reply to advice, the only bit that she gives substantial attention to is the parts where responders reply to her request for analysis of how much her man cares about someone else.

This lady is empty on the inside and her replies about the coach's wife is disgusting.

 

And I also disagree with the requests not to mention the kids. I'm sick of living in a society where no-one is allowed to bring up the wellbeing of other people's children and then we all act shocked and faux-sympathetic when the children grow up to have substantial mental difficulties/suffer in some way or another. As adults, we SHOULD be advocating for those without a voice and in this case, it is the children, who are most likely undergoing psychological trauma as we speak, living in an environment where the dad's moods are subject to what he may or may not receive from some immature attention-seeker, and where the mum is anxious one minute at not being her husband's 'love of his life' and then vindictive the next, soon as she receives attention from another. If you think children don't pick up on unspoken dynamics, you're very much mistaken.

 

Nothing about edith needs our sympathy. She doesn't want help, doesn't want things to change for the better (in fact, she seems addicted to drama) and definitely doesn't want input on doing what is right. She's basically here for an ego stroke and an online version of those silly women's meet-ups where they go round and round in circles discussing their male drama, and how its definitely not each other's faults cus they're beautiful and amazing and poor us. Its only the children who deserve thinking about.

[RecentChange]

Oh Edith, keep telling yourself all of these things.....

 

Are all of the women your husband has sex with prettier than you? Or are they "ugly" ones that chase him?

 

That feelings are for "poor people" - while your husband has been perusing the same other woman for 10 years.... yeah, that happens when there are no feelings involved.

 

That staying married to a man, while he completely disrespects you by having sex with whomever he chooses - hasn't damaged your self worth.

 

That being a desperate for attention team mom, trying to flirt with the coach is somehow "classy".

 

You are right, what a "high level" classy woman you are! So much elegance and grace.

 

I have cheated Edith - I will tell you, it was certainly an ego boost! And I guess my cheating was "classy". After all, I am attractive woman, he chased me, and chased hard (I didn't have to do all of this flirting and waiting like you). He was a successful, rich, hot young thing (9 years my junior). But we live bustling city - not this piddly small town stuff with kids game practice - no, we were professionals, suits and cocktail hours made it upper class. Oh and we were both married, so again, I guess that means its high class....

 

In case you can't tell - the above paragraph is sarcasm, because even I, while getting amazing sex and an ego boost, wasn't so deluded to lie to myself the way you do.

[MrVegas]

Wow, late tot he thread and there is a LOT to unpack here.

 

Since others have tried to cover the morality reasons why you shouldn’t and that has failed to make a dent, let me switch gears and give you a primer on youth sports.

 

If my child did not make the top team/squad/group or whatever, and yours did, your actions would land the crosshairs of my ire right onto the coach, his child and especially yours child.

 

Call that “Low Level” if you will, but it’s what happens in youth activities. And while you might be standing dignified on your soapbox about how those other parents are just jealous of how good your little timmy is, you need to understand that your poor kid is going to be told that he gets the free throws in the game because coach Bob gets the free throws on his mom after the game. Kids are cruel and you will be inviting them to be cruel to your son.

 

And on that topic, you mentioned your kids playing together. Pretty sure if he finds out you are banging his dad, he’s not going to want to play with your son. He likely won’t be the only one, and that reputation will follow you just as much as your son.

 

But you won’t get caught! You’ve figured it out, it’s not that hard right, you can both keep it discrete. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself on a forum full of posts about people who failed at it.

 

Oh and to close, you may think only sex, he might not. Do you have a plan for if he decides to leave his wife for you? How about a plan if he only wants sex and you feel there’s more. Don’t think that can happen? Well I’m happy to say LS has a section just full o people in the shoes you are trying to fill. You might find something there about even the best laid plans.

 

MV

[Wallysbears]

I can only imagine the small town gossip this will become.

 

Team Mom sleeps with coach and coach's wife finds out about it.

 

Then gossip spreads like wild fire, kids get called names and picked on because Mom is sleeping with coach.

 

Then it comes out that their Dad is also having an affair with someone else.

 

 

These poor kids. They're going to find out that both their parents are lying cheaters and so are important people in their sphere of influence (like a coach)

 

 

So sad.

[brigit87]

I can only imagine the small town gossip this will become.

 

Team Mom sleeps with coach and coach's wife finds out about it.

 

Then gossip spreads like wild fire, kids get called names and picked on because Mom is sleeping with coach.

 

Then it comes out that their Dad is also having an affair with someone else.

 

 

These poor kids. They're going to find out that both their parents are lying cheaters and so are important people in their sphere of influence (like a coach)

 

 

So sad.

 

If that happens she'll have to move. The kids won't be able to stay in their school district. And I'm sure she won't be too happy being called the town s*1uT. He will probably be fine. He'll say "Me and my wife were going thru a bad time but we've made up and our marriage is stronger than ever."

[edith]

I’m glad the threads were merged - this is much easier!

 

I think I’ve gotten scared enough by what might happen with the coach. His profile mysteriously appeared on my LinkedIn account, under “”Viewers of this profile also viewed...”. Which means people looking at my profile are also looking at his and vice versa! Maybe his wife, anonymously? She’s one of my LinkedIn connections, he is not.

 

So I apprehensively took my son to practice last night. I walked over to the stands, and as soon as he saw me walk in, I looked at him and he looked away. I stayed silent and didn’t say hi. Neither did he. I sat down and was looking at my phone. He didn’t come over like he usually does. Other parents came in so I started talking to them. I spent the whole practice doing my best not to lock eyes with him, even when he was right in front of me. I felt so anxious and as if all eyes were on us, which I’m sure was all in my head.

 

This only makes me think of how people like my husband cheat as if it’s nothing. I haven’t even done anything and I’m dying of anxiety already! The coach is obviously having second thoughts as well, because he acted as if I don’t exist. I need to communicate with him but have asked my husband to text him instead - he didn’t suspect anything. I’m resisting wondering why the coach is acting like this - I was covertly paying attention and he acted completely normal towards all other parents. Perhaps the 6 hours we spent together last week crossed the line for him. I’m now trying to give myself a break from thinking - about him, about my husband and his cheating, and about how I need to stop existing as a product of my relationship with men. I need to find out who I am apart from them.

[RecentChange]

I am glad to hear that you are coming to your senses Edith. You are starting to realize that for most people, cheating has serious consequences.

 

As for this:

 

This only makes me think of how people like my husband cheat as if it’s nothing. I haven’t even done anything and I’m dying of anxiety already!

 

I suspect that your husband knows that there would be little consequence for him if you found out - because the reality is, you know, and do nothing about it. So its easy for him to cheat, nothing is going to happen to him.

 

He may even have a hunch that you do know. I have known some chronic cheaters who claimed "I think my wife knows, but she doesn't say anything". In that, your situation isn't totally unique.

 

I mentioned earlier that I had cheated before. The anxiety involved was HUGE, and my chances of getting caught were minuscule compared to yours (he was a stranger I met on the train - we lived in different cities and never around any one who knew either of us, and shared no common acquaintances). Yet eventually the truth did come out.

 

It is very very likely that any pursuit of the coach would have ended in disaster.

[BaileyB]

I need to stop existing as a product of my relationship with men. I need to find out who I am apart from them.

 

The voice of reason!

 

Now this, is something to discuss with your counsellor...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I looked at him and he looked away. I stayed silent and didn’t say hi. Neither did he. I sat down and was looking at my phone. He didn’t come over like he usually does. Other parents came in so I started talking to them. I spent the whole practice doing my best not to lock eyes with him, even when he was right in front of me.

 

I think he probably realized it/you are just not worth a brief boost to his ego. And he's right. Affairs are so messy and cause such destruction, as you know from your own life.

 

I hope you find peace and happiness.

[elaine567]

Someone might have actually said something here to him, to his wife, to his kid, to the sports admin... the kids may have reported it to their parents... your kid may have told your husband and he had a word with the coach... who knows?

You were doing all this in a very public arena after all, I guess these places are hotbeds of gossip...