Author edith Posted January 4, 2019 Author Share Posted January 4, 2019 Thank you all for the support. I’ve had my second counseling session so that has really helped. As for someone saying something to him and what we were “doing”. We sat together during basketball camp and we were talking. That’s it. He bought me/brought me coffee, we talked, nothing else. What could we have done to make people suspicious of anything? I’ve run over it all in my head and can’t think of anything we’ve done that was even slightly inappropriate. Do you guys think that just because we were talking, people would perceive it maliciously? Or have I described anything that would fit that description? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 Thank you all for the support. I’ve had my second counseling session so that has really helped. As for someone saying something to him and what we were “doing”. We sat together during basketball camp and we were talking. That’s it. He bought me/brought me coffee, we talked, nothing else. What could we have done to make people suspicious of anything? I’ve run over it all in my head and can’t think of anything we’ve done that was even slightly inappropriate. Do you guys think that just because we were talking, people would perceive it maliciously? Or have I described anything that would fit that description? You were super excited in relaying every single detail of your interaction, so I'm assuming it was obvious how you felt to any bystander. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 You were super excited in relaying every single detail of your interaction, so I'm assuming it was obvious how you felt to any bystander. Yep, my guess is that there was some very obvious body language involved - stuff you were probably unaware of. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaserTag Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 (edited) What you were doing was trying to get the coach to have sex with you, and when you throw out signals and energy like that, the people around you are bound to notice. I'm sure his wife noticed the weirdness and I'm sure the other people around you noticed (and some of them probably made comments to him and his wife). And likely the coach himself noticed and realized that he needed to stop being friendly with you, because you were taking it the wrong way. Probably all of the above. Best thing to do is to continue politely keeping your distance from the coach (just avoid that drama & humiliation entirely - future you will thank you) and maybe try to make some friendly connections with the women around you and, as you said, start figuring out who you are without needing a man to desire and define you. I'm glad that you are finding your counseling helpful and that the obsession with the coach is dying down. Edited January 5, 2019 by TaserTag 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 (edited) What you were doing was trying to get the coach to have sex with you, and when you throw out signals and energy like that, the people around you are bound to notice. <snip> I agree, except I don't think she was taking it the wrong way. I think he just got reality slapped in his face. Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted January 5, 2019 Author Share Posted January 5, 2019 (edited) I know this sounds suspicious coming from me, but I really wasn’t taking it the wrong way. This “energy” has been going on since our kids were in preschool - he went to my son’s birthday party once - I think his 4th birthday -, and I remember being terrified that my husband would notice the coach staring at me, because he wouldn’t stop. His wife was not there. We were talking at one point, it was in an adjacent room, no one else around; I was leaning against the wall and the coach came over to my side, put his arm on the wall and leaned into me, we could have kissed if we’d wanted to. I remember jumping five feet in the air and making an excuse to rejoin the party. The coach’s intentions are nothing new. As I’ve said before, it’s always been very clear he was attracted to me, and I didn’t start responding until recently, after my husband and this other woman resurfaced. Before every town event for years now, I wonder how much flirting the coach will attempt - will I try to get out of it? Will my husband notice it? Will his wife? Our kids are in the same class this year and during open house (the day before the first day of school), he and his wife were there, not my husband. I was on the other side of the classroom, when I saw he had suddenly stopped in the middle of the room, put his hands on his hips and stared at me. I could feel his eyes for a few seconds but was terrified of looking, since I could see his wife right behind him. I finally looked at him and he was still staring. I immediately looked down at my feet and asked my son a question to alleviate my anxiety. One month later, I discover he is going to be my son’s coach - for the first time. We had never had the opportunity to be in contact like that. I could smell trouble on the horizon - I just didn’t think it would be reciprocated by me. Edited January 5, 2019 by edith Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 I could smell trouble on the horizon - I just didn’t think it would be reciprocated by me. It doesn't have to be reciprocated by you though... edith, scroll on down and read the discussion about older kids reactions to affairs if you ever continue acting on this attraction. Also interesting reading as it relates to your childrens experience if/when they learn about their father's indiscretions, want to discuss why their mother stayed in the marriage, and how these two things may just affect their future relationships... Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 Thank you for the thread tip, it was very enlightening to read. We had a game yesterday... The coach is still interested. I was wrong. My husband and I were sitting to his left on the stands, since the game before ours was running late. He turned his head to look at me 3 times, even though his wife was just next to him. I only stared back once... I wanted to continue to ignore him. The whole game, while he was across the court coaching, I caught him looking at me several times. I actually lost count. I have to be honest, a couple of times I stared back longer than I should have... My son approached him st the end of the game and he walked over to where I was... Coach followed him so he and I were talking for a bit. My husband was with us and said absolutely nothing. This morning the boys had a scrimmage and since my husband wouldn’t wake up early, I had to take my son. He and his wife arrived and she and I were chatting the whole game. At the end, I was walking out and he started walking over really fast to catch up with me and stopped me to talk. We were alone for a bit, then another mom, who I think has a crush on him, joined us. I left a little while later, even though he was addressing me more than her. She doesn’t bother me because I know I’m the one he’s interested in, and I’ve made a firm decision that I’m going to treat him as appropriately as possible. I left the two of them talking and his wife was within earshot, so nothing to worry about there. Let her chase him. You guys know what I think of women who chase men! Overall, I feel relieved. I’ve decided not to flirt with him even though I wasn’t as strong yesterday as I should have been. I appreciate his attention but am not seeking it. I guess this is the best I can do right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 I was thinking, why do you guys think the coach keeps changing back and forth between ignoring me one day then flirting again the next? Is this proof that he’s not interested in seeing it through? Or that he’s just looking for an ego boost? I hadn’t flirted with anyone in so long that I honestly don’t know how it works. Maybe this is normal? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 Edith at this point I think you need to hire a therapist to help you answer these questions and what you want, where you're going. You change with the wind. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 I was thinking, why do you guys think the coach keeps changing back and forth between ignoring me one day then flirting again the next? Is this proof that he’s not interested in seeing it through? Or that he’s just looking for an ego boost? I hadn’t flirted with anyone in so long that I honestly don’t know how it works. Maybe this is normal? I agree with stillafool. I also think this is all happening mostly in your head. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaserTag Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 edith, you need to go back to this epiphany of yours: "I’m now trying to give myself a break from thinking - about him, about my husband and his cheating, and about how I need to stop existing as a product of my relationship with men. I need to find out who I am apart from them." You are right back to obsessing over every glance, other women talking to this guy and what it means (it means nothing, just like you talking to him means nothing), and putting importance on nonsense. I still think that the coach is just being friendly in the peer/sports group and that this is all blown out of proportion in your head. I think if the people around you knew how you really think, they would all be horrified by you. I guarantee that most to all of the people in your scenario are supporting their children, not using their children's sports activities to try to form a sexual hookup with other married parents. I think you interpret a glance and polite conversation to be some deep connection, because you want to be desired. This is flatout deranged to me: "He and his wife arrived and she and I were chatting the whole game. At the end, I was walking out and he started walking over really fast to catch up with me and stopped me to talk. We were alone for a bit, then another mom, who I think has a crush on him, joined us. I left a little while later, even though he was addressing me more than her. She doesn’t bother me because I know I’m the one he’s interested in, and I’ve made a firm decision that I’m going to treat him as appropriately as possible. I left the two of them talking and his wife was within earshot, so nothing to worry about there. Let her chase him. You guys know what I think of women who chase men!" You are not a bunch of high school girls competing for the jock on the football team. The coach is a married man who is doing his job - coaching yours, his, and other people's children. Grown people can talk without it being all 'crushes and sneaking around'... and your assertion of "I know I'm the one he's interested in" - really?? This man is married and his wife was right there. You said you spent the whole game talking to her (and apparently fantasizing about her husband). I think that this is all a product of your husband cheating on you for so many years. Your husband blatantly flirts with everyone right in front of you and he easily cheats on you, so you see flirting and scandal everywhere you look, projecting your dysfunctional marriage on to other people. And you've created this thing with your kids' coach to try to soothe your ego, give yourself some excitement, and start a competition in your head. You need to address the issues in your own marriage, your husband's cheating and what that has done to you, and your feelings of needing to compete with other women and feeling inadequate and defensive because of your husband's other lovers... You express disdain for 'women who chase men,' but you're the kind of woman who would use her kids to hook up with a married man, who sits around creating a fantasy world about another woman's husband, and who sits next to a woman and talks to her nicely while 'secretly' trying to have sex with her husband. What kind of person are you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 op, It sounds to me like you are way too close to the situation to se eit for what it really is. try taking a step back. if it was a friend in your situation, what would you advise? Would you advise them to clean up one mess ( their marriage) before starting another? ( an affair) Would you advise them to ignore common sense and keep feeding the situation? That's the thing. I don't think this coach is interested in you, and even if he is, it's just because he sees you as an easy mark. If you get involved in an affair with him, it will be 100 percent your own doing. Sometimes in life, we are given a golden opportunity to take charge, and all we have to do it make the right decisions. By deciding to continue to pursue this guy, you are giving away control over your life. If you continue down this path, you are going to end up far more miserable than you are right now. Doesn't it make sense to put your foot down in your marriage and stand up for yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted January 9, 2019 Share Posted January 9, 2019 Here's a thought if you're going to cheat on your cheating husband why not cheat with the OW's husband Hmmm?? I mean if you did that you could get back at your H and the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted January 9, 2019 Share Posted January 9, 2019 op, Sometimes in life, we are given a golden opportunity to take charge, and all we have to do it make the right decisions. By deciding to continue to pursue this guy, you are giving away control over your life. If you continue down this path, you are going to end up far more miserable than you are right now. Doesn't it make sense to put your foot down in your marriage and stand up for yourself? I agree. The healthiest choice for OP is to get away from both men. Divorce the husband and leave married men alone. It will mean losing two men who (IMO) are both not that into you anyway and maybe finding a man who is or being single. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 Wow, I don’t even know where to start... It’s been a while but I didn’t want the thread to die. Coach and I have moved on to texting. It happens a few times a week . It’s been pretty innocent, some flirting but nothing out there right now. Two days ago I texted him to let him know my son might not make it to practice the next day, that I was going to try to change an appointment time. We texted back and forth at night and I could feel those butterflies... I haven’t told my husband about the texting. Last night I dropped my son off at practice, coach wasn’t there yet. I went to my appointment, went back to practice and was relieved to see I couldn’t sit by the other moms, so I was by myself on the stands and had a lot of time to watch him. Again, he stared... So did I. At one point, he was directing a play, and before he blew the whistle, he turned his head, looked straight at me and continued to look... I didn’t look away. At the end of practice, we were both trying to run into each other on the court, he finally came up to me and said “You made it!!”, with a big smile. We talked for a while. There was a bit of flirting but I felt self-conscious because I could feel other people watching us... or maybe I’m imagining it because the flirting makes me feel guilty. There have been so many other things escalating between us, but I don’t have the time to list them all now. One thing I’ve noticed is that I get special treatment... And so does my son. I’m trying to be very careful so that no gossip will start, but the coach and I have been getting closer and I can feel it in my bones that this is not innocent on his part. I don’t know if I could actually go through with it, but I can’t seem to stop the kind of contact I have with him. Maybe nothing will come of it. But right now, I’m looking forward to seeing him tomorrow at the game, then at a concert our kids’ school is putting on next Tuesday. I used to think I’d like it if he just made a move but now I’m actually scared that he might. Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 so what advise you want to hear from us edith ? you will play with fire anyway 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted January 23, 2019 Author Share Posted January 23, 2019 Our kids’ concert was tonight, so no practice with the coach! All the parents were waiting in the lobby before we could go into the auditorium, so a little while after I got there, the coach comes in. He’s with his wife, I’m with my husband. We’re about 5 feet from each other, but neither one of us says hi. First I caught his wife staring at me - coach and I are facing each other even though we’re in separate groups. I didn’t want to give anything away so I was being very discreet about stealing some glances. But one time, he moved his head to see me, I saw him peeking at me behind his friend’s head who was in the way... and we finally locked eyes. I felt a shiver run down my spine, but it was over too fast... We go inside and pick our seats - we are sitting parallel to each other, on different sides of the auditorium. I sat to my husband’s right, since the coach was to my left - that way, every time I whispered something in my ex’s ear, I could steal a glance at the coach. We locked eyes a couple of times. At the end of the concert, we were staring at each other as everyone was getting up... and he finally waved at me and mouthed “hi”... I smiled from ear to ear and did the same. We were walking towards to same door to leave... I was coming from the left, he was coming from the right... There were a lot of people so we were walking super slowly. Then it happened, what I had been waiting for: confirmation that he wants me as much as I want him. I looked up at him and he was staring right into my eyes as we approached each other. Time was passing, and we were still staring. I had this urge to look away because it made me so flustered, but I didn’t! I continued to stare back. I swear, we locked eyes for at least 15 seconds. It was as if no one else was in the room! He playfully punched my son on the shoulder smiling, I said “Wasn’t that a great concert?” He said yes and was going to start talking to me when his wife called his name... I’m sure she’s noticed it. We were exiting at that point so I just left. Can’t wait for Thursday! What advice do I want? For now I just want to know if the coach sounds as interested as I think he is... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 What advice do I want? For now I just want to know if the coach sounds as interested as I think he is... Haven’t we beat this horse to death! Seriously edith, nobody here is going to chear you on with this “affair.” And since you are unwilling to consider advice that has previously been offered, I also wonder exactly what you are hoping to accomplish here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 What do you mean “is he as interested as I think I am”? He may be flirting. If at all. If he’s not making a move, he’s not that interested ..... period. And if you want to explore the options you may have with him, make a move yourself! Then you’ll know. Link to post Share on other sites
TaserTag Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 I sat to my husband’s right, since the coach was to my left - that way, every time I whispered something in my ex’s ear, I could steal a glance at the coach. Did you just call your husband your ex? I do think that you should divorce him, since he keeps cheating on you. I also think that you should go after a single guy instead of a married guy when you actually are single. Not that you have any interest in any of this! Then it happened, what I had been waiting for: confirmation that he wants me as much as I want him. I looked up at him and he was staring right into my eyes as we approached each other. Time was passing, and we were still staring. I had this urge to look away because it made me so flustered, but I didn’t! I continued to stare back. I swear, we locked eyes for at least 15 seconds. It was as if no one else was in the room! He playfully punched my son on the shoulder smiling, I said “Wasn’t that a great concert?” He said yes and was going to start talking to me when his wife called his name... I’m sure she’s noticed it. We were exiting at that point so I just left. Can’t wait for Thursday! What advice do I want? For now I just want to know if the coach sounds as interested as I think he is... This is just sad. Your stories about this amazing affair that you have built up in your head are boring at best, delusional at worst. You think that because a guy looked at you that he is super interested in you? People look at people all the time, especially in a peer group at an event together. That's "what you were waiting for"? A guy glancing at you? If I wrote a story about how I was shopping in a store and a guy kept glancing at me and then when I got to his register, he stared at me for a full 10 seconds while asking me what form of payment I was using, and then when he handed me my receipt, our hands brushed, and this must mean that he's super into me, right?? -- that is what you sound like. It sounds like the coach hasn't actually made any sort of move on you. I still don't think he's interested in you, based on anything you've written. Why don't you try really, blatantly throwing yourself at him, though, and deal with the humiliation of rejection, his wife going off on you, and being the outcast in the group of normal parents... or maybe you'll throw yourself at him and finally get the super great cheating affair that you're so desperate for and then you will have everything that you want in the world, being second best to your own husband AND this married man. That'll feel great. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 For now I just want to know if the coach sounds as interested as I think he is... Yes, I think so. What choice will you make - continue down this path and ruin lives, or have some integrity and back off? The wife is already on to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 Can’t wait for Thursday! What advice do I want? For now I just want to know if the coach sounds as interested as I think he is... Well Edith...are there other sports teams for you son to play for in town? After just skimming through this, it seems his wife is pretty involved and around a lot, and when she catches on...which most likely she will, then your kid is gonna get cut from the team. Your gambling with you son's sports...which in itself is really no big deal, I just wanted to point it out. Now, I coached youth baseball for many years, and had plenty of times with moms who are DTF for a million of reasons, and I cut every one of those kids to remove the grief since I am happily married...if he isn't, then maybe it will work. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 Honestly all I see is you making a fool of yourself and possibly embarrassing your son because of gossip that his mom has the hots for the married coach. Oh, God have some pride in yourself Edith. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Then it happened, what I had been waiting for: confirmation that he wants me as much as I want him. I looked up at him and he was staring right into my eyes as we approached each other. Time was passing, and we were still staring. I had this urge to look away because it made me so flustered, but I didn’t! I continued to stare back. I swear, we locked eyes for at least 15 seconds. It was as if no one else was in the room! What advice do I want? For now I just want to know if the coach sounds as interested as I think he is... It does sound like he's a bit attracted to you. I understand you need a self-esteem boost but this guy is married and is your son's coach. If this goes any further than "romantic looks" you'll be crucified by your community. He won't. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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