elaine567 Posted September 2, 2019 Share Posted September 2, 2019 What has actually changed since we last discussed this over 27 pages in November? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted September 2, 2019 Author Share Posted September 2, 2019 Not much has changed. Except for his lack of contact with the woman since February. The important part here is that he asked to reschedule their third meeting and she said “Ok, let’s talk next week” or something like that, and neither one of them followed up. So he obviously wasn’t that interested. That gave me some hope. Also, I’m not in touch with the coach anymore, so that’s another difference. I really thought my husband’s lack of interest would last. But it seems that his interest just gets rekindled again after her denials, which I’ve seen by how he keeps track of her on the app. Could it be that he just reached out because he was bored? I’ve asked on other forums - everyone says that an affair for 11 years means he’s emotionally involved. But he’s a playboy. I still know that he would tell me she’s just sex if I confronted him. To answer another question, my husband and I run a business together. As I mentioned in the previous thread from November last year, that’s one thing that would make our divorce very ugly. I keep thinking that if he’s emotionally involved, that violates our unspoken deal. But if I confront him, he’ll just go underground even more. Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 2, 2019 Share Posted September 2, 2019 I understand. I’m sure it’s self protection but I tend to think she’s just sex. Something else I forgot to mention in the original post. I’m able to see when he last logged off in this app and when I use his phone, stealthily, to check his messages, I can see when she last was on. It happened once that his log off was about one minute within hers. I did this over the course of a couple of days and it looked as if he would log off close to when she was online. It took me a while to figure out this pattern. It’s as if he didn’t want to be online at the same time as her. Then I found him sending messages to another woman. I checked the times again, and as soon as the 1-year affair was online, he’d log off and stop talking to the current affair. I read all of these messages as well and they seemed uninvolved- almost transactional. He is trying to show her that he’s not talking to anyone else, or doesn’t want her to catch him on that app for long lengths of time. He also turned on notifications to know when she goes online so I saw all of those as well. I have thought about contacting her and letting her know he sleeps with other women. How much would be left of their affair then? You have an agreement to have an open marriage. Then you have no need to contact this AP or any other AP. Now is this an open marriage for you as well? If you do not want to have an open marriage then you have to tell you husband that the rules are now being changed. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 2, 2019 Share Posted September 2, 2019 You need to seriously think about what you think you are hanging on to. Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 2, 2019 Share Posted September 2, 2019 Not much has changed. Except for his lack of contact with the woman since February. The important part here is that he asked to reschedule their third meeting and she said “Ok, let’s talk next week” or something like that, and neither one of them followed up. So he obviously wasn’t that interested. That gave me some hope. Also, I’m not in touch with the coach anymore, so that’s another difference. I really thought my husband’s lack of interest would last. But it seems that his interest just gets rekindled again after her denials, which I’ve seen by how he keeps track of her on the app. Could it be that he just reached out because he was bored? I’ve asked on other forums - everyone says that an affair for 11 years means he’s emotionally involved. But he’s a playboy. I still know that he would tell me she’s just sex if I confronted him. To answer another question, my husband and I run a business together. As I mentioned in the previous thread from November last year, that’s one thing that would make our divorce very ugly. I keep thinking that if he’s emotionally involved, that violates our unspoken deal. But if I confront him, he’ll just go underground even more. 11 years means AP likes being chased. Hooking up 3 times is her doing enough to keep your husband hooked to keep chasing her. This appears to be your husband just seeking flirting and NSA sex with her. The sporadic contact and only hooking up 3 times in 11 years indicates this. He does not see her as your replacement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 2, 2019 Share Posted September 2, 2019 The sporadic contact and only hooking up 3 6 times in 11 years indicates this. He does not see her as your replacement. I do not think any of us can say that for certain as she apparently keeps turning him down, so he may indeed see her as a replacement if only she would agree... This is no "open" marriage it is an unspoken tolerance of his cheating. He cheats, she knows, she turns a blind eye. OP My slight concern is that the app is only part of their communication. Someone who has been cheating on you this long has probably got a load of strategies to keep things secret. Long term affair partners can devise codes too, so "lets talk next week" may mean "I'll meet you tomorrow, usual place usual time." Nothing further appears on the app as they have switched to burner phones... Cheaters can be very clever when they want to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted September 2, 2019 Share Posted September 2, 2019 In your last thread you clearly called your WH your EX husband as soon as you started posting about your one sided EA with the coach. You would mention your ex turning up and sitting next to you at games etc, it was not a one time reference either, not to mention you never mentioned his cheating again. When people asked you to clarify the situation you did not reply. I admit I'm confused as to whether you are actually married or not at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted September 2, 2019 Author Share Posted September 2, 2019 All of these posts reflect exactly what’s going on in my head at all times. “She’s just sex! They’ve only had sex 6 times in 11 years!” And “Of course it’s more than sex; they’ve only had sex 6 times in 11 years, he’s offered countless jobs which were turned down, he always looks for her”. This is what it’s like. I thought I was done. I never got to tell you guys about my therapist, and that answers the ex question. She was very much of the opinion that I should divorce. That I should tell my husband everything, because the emotional toll on me was too great. I listened to her, and she was trying out a technique where I got to experience what things would be like if I were divorced - like, go to the movies by myself, speak of my husband as an ex (except to our children or people we knew), treat our money separately whenever possible. And I hated it. There was an emptiness I couldn’t control, I couldn’t even conceive of what it would be like if he actually left. This is why I was so relieved when this affair went away. Eventually, I stopped going to therapy because I didn’t agree that divorce was the best option. So I’m back to wondering if my worry is warranted. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 2, 2019 Share Posted September 2, 2019 If the married one hasn't agreed to be with him yet on a more regular basis, she's either not that interested or he wants too much or wants her to leave her husband or he is just way more into her than she is to him. So the only way I'd be that worried about her is if her husband left her or died, and only then if she's the type that always wants to be partnered up. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 2, 2019 Share Posted September 2, 2019 (edited) Ah, so you are stuck in this dysfunctional marriage? I think the "emptiness" may be a combination of insecurity/fear and having your sense of identity being wrapped up in the marriage (as dysfunctional as it is). So, even the serious prospect of ending it leaves a "gap" in your identity as well as triggering these fears/anxieties. I think this would be considered "co-dependent," at least partially. I'm just a layman, but IF you really want to end the marriage and this infidelity, your therapist (or a better one?) needs to help you address that issue so that you feel "OK" on your own. Maybe you don't care to? You're an adult and that part is up to you. From what I hear around here, he's unlikely to actually leave you, at least not for the 3-6x/year lady. He's a cake eater and wants the marriage AND his OW IMO. I could be wrong about this, but that's my best guess. Edited September 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 2, 2019 Share Posted September 2, 2019 The only reason he isn't with the OW is because she doesn't want him as we've told you before. She wants to stay married to her husband and tells yours "I can't, I'm sorry" because she loves her husband. He is now cheating with others to try to forget her but still he can't and keeps trying. He is obsessed with her as you are with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 I’m back to wondering if my worry is warranted. I don’t think you’ll get much relatable feedback here, simply because very few posters would allow themselves to be placed in your position. You know, there’s lots of ways to run a business with someone you’re not married to. There’s also many ways to be married preserving dignity and self-respect. Not sure why your life has to be lived on his terms... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 I think your quandary is beyond the scope of random people on the internet. You seem to have a great fear of being alone/single, to the point you're grasping at straws, looking for methods to cope with this severely compromised marriage. All I can say is that I'm a lot happier single than with a man who's treating me poorly. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Your husband sounds obsessed/in love with this other woman of 11 years. If it was really about the sex, he wouldn't be puppy dogging after her for over a decade for 6 times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 The only reason he isn't with the OW is because she doesn't want him as we've told you before. She wants to stay married to her husband and tells yours "I can't, I'm sorry" because she loves her husband. He is now cheating with others to try to forget her but still he can't and keeps trying. He is obsessed with her as you are with him. Your husband sounds obsessed/in love with this other woman of 11 years. If it was really about the sex, he wouldn't be puppy dogging after her for over a decade for 6 times. Sorry to say I agree with these posts, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 (edited) It sounds to me like the husband in this situation has a good thing going and he knows it. He's got a wife at home who sound desperate to keep him and an ow on the side who gives him a huge ego boost by staying on the string, making herself available when he wants some outside recreation. The thing that while this guy is being an jerk, the only one responsible for the OP is the OP herself. This has been going on for a long time, and at some point, staying become a conscious choice for her. From what she says, she even did a dry run of being divorced, and didn't feel it suited her. The OP may grumble and gripe, but she's right smack where she wants to be. It sounds like she also feels free to engage in dalliances. Edited September 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 I do not think any of us can say that for certain as she apparently keeps turning him down, so he may indeed see her as a replacement if only she would agree... This is no "open" marriage it is an unspoken tolerance of his cheating. He cheats, she knows, she turns a blind eye. An hour after you she posted and avoided answering my questions. OP used the term open marriage. Until she answers what does open marriage mean in her case no one can correctly advise her. Advice based on assumptions would be faulty. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 An hour after you she posted and avoided answering my questions. OP used the term open marriage. She also previously called him her ex-husband. Lots going on here... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted September 4, 2019 Author Share Posted September 4, 2019 I don’t know what you guys are talking about - I answered the question of calling him my ex in my previous post. As for whether this is an open marriage - no, it’s not! It’s an UNSPOKEN acceptance I have of his sexual affairs. I have said jokingly to him that falling in love with another woman would mean divorce. He didn’t say anything. Elaine’s assessments have always been right on, and she’s not new to this thread. I keep trying to figure out why his emotional involvement, if there is any to this woman, is so hurtful to me. I think it’s because my love for him consumes so much of my life that just the thought that he could feel the same way about another woman throws me into a mental fit of jealousy. And to protect myself, I err on the side of believing she’s just sex. This is why it’s so sobering for me to come to this forum, it’s the proverbial shaking I need to see this affair differently. But I’m so afraid of getting fully hurt by this that I deny his emotional involvement every step of the way. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 For the life of me - I can not understand why you aren’t already fully hurt by how behavor. He’s not a husband who is loving you and keeping his vows. It’s already been over a long time ago. Why are you being delusional about your ... marriage? It’s hard to call it a marriage - it’s more of a farce than anything. Why don’t YOU file for divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 It’s an UNSPOKEN acceptance I have of his sexual affairs. If that’s your take on the marriage, I wonder what his is? I’m going to guess his understanding quite different than yours... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Why have you stayed silent? Why don’t you have a voice and speak your truth? Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 Hi Edith Sorry I have just looked at all of your posts, sorry but l don’t believe it. How can it be ok to retain a 10 year cheating spouse, then admit that it is ok to have sex with another married man regardless of that person’s wife that you have met on prior occasions. Just sex, nah sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 Am I fooling myself in thinking that I can save my marriage and that someday he will leave her? Or do his feelings sound serious? Yes. To both questions. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 Think about it... YOU are asking if it’s possible your husband will leave his OW. You have no power in your marriage. No trust. And no ability to be respected. May be way better off divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
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