elaine567 Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 Personally I think if he gave her a diamond engagement ring tomorrow you would somehow manage to minimise his feelings for her. So really it is irrelevant how he feels about this or any other woman, as somehow you are going to be "OK" with it. You have to be, as a divorce is the last thing you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 Just sex is ok because I know it doesn’t mean anything to him. I knew when I married him that complete fidelity was off the table. He’s a former athlete and you guys have no idea what kind of sexual depravity exists in that world. My husband is above-average attractive so women always flock to him. He’s simply not the kind to say no, and I had accepted this about him. I’ve never given him permission, but I look the other way. This means that I don’t question him when I get suspicious. I know everything, and he has no idea. I also reject that he’s as married to her as he is to me - they’ve only had sex 6 times in 11 years, and only oral sex - her on him- because according to messages, that’s what she was comfortable with being married herself. I still half believe that he just reaches out to her out of boredom. I doubt their “relationship” is deeper than sex once in a while. Does the fact he keeps going back alone mean emotional attachment? I really can’t wrap my head around that. It could make him feel he is still the lion king, able to get oral from athlete groupies. Though being married makes it wrong for him and his OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 .I doubt their “relationship” is deeper than sex once in a while. Does the fact he keeps going back alone mean emotional attachment? I really can’t wrap my head around that. If you truly believe this why do you continuously post on here? You continue to make this point and then argue with everyone who disagrees with you. If you actually believed what you wrote then you wouldn't care because the affair would only be sexual and therefore permitted under your unspoken agreement. Do you think this man has any respect for you? Do you have any respect for yourself? I'm just waiting for this thread to go back to your one sided EA.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 But I’m so afraid of getting fully hurt by this that I deny his emotional involvement every step of the way. Denying the hurt won’t cushion you. You’re allowing him to treat you very poorly and signalling to him that you’ll accept any kind of treatment from him, as long as he doesn’t leave you. That might be the case - but what if one day he does decide to leave you - either for the 11 year OW or for someone new that he respects and desires in a way he clearly doesn’t respect you? At that point you’ll have eroded any sense of your worth, and will struggle to pick yourself up and get on with your life without him. He may have been a catch once, but the gloss rubbed off that long ago when he started treating you poorly. Your life would be so much more satisfying without this big bucket of worry hanging over you all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 Just sex is ok because I know it doesn’t mean anything to him. I knew when I married him that complete fidelity was off the table. ... I’ve never given him permission, but I look the other way. This means that I don’t question him when I get suspicious. There's an old saying: "You Teach People How To Treat You". I can't think of a better example of this statement that your situation 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 There's an old saying: "You Teach People How To Treat You". I can't think of a better example of this statement that your situation I tend to agree. It seems you believe that it is inevitable that he would cheat edith, but there are many good looking men, and other former athletes, who are faithful to their wives and devoted to their families. You have chosen a man who does not value fidelity. It is the basic truth. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 op, if you are really okay with him sleeping with other women, that's your choice. The thing is that it doesn't sound like you are happy. Rather than being in a non-monogamous marriage by default, why not take the bull by the horns and stand up for yourself. Sit him down and talk about the situation. If you are okay with him seeing other women just for sex, then make some ground rules you both agree to. Do what you need to do to make this relationship functional for you. If you can't do that, then it could be that this marriage is not the place for you. Are you willing to continue feeling bad just so you can be married to this guy? Is accepting his behavior a price you are willing to pay? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I agree with pepperbird. If you are willing to tolerate his affairs, then have the discussion with your husband and lay some ground rules. For example, he is not allowed to develop an emotional relationship with another woman. You have chosen to look the other way and accept his affairs, but you don’t seem happy. You are monitoring him (you know what he’s doing before he does it ) and looking over your shoulder every single day... that’s no way to live. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Sit him down and talk about the situation. If you are okay with him seeing other women just for sex, then make some ground rules you both agree to. Do what you need to do to make this relationship functional for you. I guess she doesn't want to do that, in case he turns around and says "OMG you know, well since you know, I am leaving forthwith. I was only staying to protect you. Now you know, there is no need for me to pretend any longer..." If she bursts the happy domestic bubble she has maintained for years then where will that lead? She is no doubt scared to sail in those uncharted waters. The status quo for her is safe and whilst not exactly cosy, it is better than the alternative. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 If she bursts the happy domestic bubble she has maintained for years then where will that lead?. Given her level of angst and (natural) resentment, hard to believe that bubble exists. Her husband seems entitled and self-centered enough that an ‘on the table’ deal would be a natural fit. He gets to do what he wants and has Edith holding down the home front. She gets the life she apparently values above all else with some set ground rules... Win, win... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 .. an ‘on the table’ deal would be a natural fit. He gets to do what he wants and has Edith holding down the home front. She gets the life she apparently values above all else with some set ground rules... Atm he does what he wants to do anyway. No need for discussion. No need for transparency. No need for "ground rules", save what he sets for himself... Why would his wife getting involved be a "win" for him? She can set all the rules she likes but it doesn't mean he has to follow them. Her trump card is divorce, but as she will never play it, then it is of no real advantage. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Having an honest discussion about the infidelity in this marriage will prompt one of two things. Either he is selfish and entitled enough that he will continue doing as he has been doing... In this case, the discussion could bring some transparency, alleviating her worries and allowing her some control with the discussion about boundaries/ground rules. Or, it will be either threatening or freeing to him and he will leave. And this fear, is probably what keeps edith from having the discussion. In a way she has more power if he doesn’t know that she knows... And, she has worked so hard for so many years to keep this marriage together and maintain her family/lifestyle, it’s doubtful that she is willing to do anything to risk it now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted September 11, 2019 Author Share Posted September 11, 2019 That’s exactly my dilemma- I do think he would leave. And I don’t want my kids to come from an unstable home. And don’t even try to argue that the hidden affairs make their life unstable now, I simply disagree. I would lose all my power if he knew that I know. Right now, I can see where this affair with this woman is going - the other messages to other women are so different - and decide for or against divorce. The truth is, and I know I’ll be criticized, is that I can’t imagine my life without him. But I haven’t felt loved by him since I found out about this other woman, some 9 years ago. But at the same time, they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, so how serious can they be?? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Edith as we've told you before, what does any of this matter? You've decided you're going to stay with him affair or not, in love with the other woman or not, you still want him. Why don't you just accept that he is in love with another woman but you have him for now and just forget about it. Isn't it tiring going around and around in a circle for all these years? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 I have to agree with stillafool. What he feels about her doesn't matter. My advice to you is to stop looking for information. You have decided to stay with him no matter what, so its pretty pointless. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 I would lose all my power if he knew that I know. Exactly what power is that ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 It seems rather silly to ask a bunch of strangers who don't know you nor your husband what he "could" be feeling based on some exchanges. I'm having a hard time understanding how you are ok with your H sleeping with numerous other groupies and women, putting your home life and health at great risk. Just because he's good-looking doesn't give him a pass, come on, now. What if he got another woman pregnant? What if he brought you home an incurable disease? Girl there ain't NO MAN ALIVE worth sacrificing your self-respect for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 op, I re-read your posts, and to be frank, I don't understand them. You imply you are okay with him seeing other women, so long as he comes home to you. Mam, you fingers typed that sort of thing, but your words indicate you are NOT okay with it, not really. What do you mean you can't talk to him about all of this because it would give away your power?What power? it's as if you feel like you have to be a good little girl and put up with his crap treatment because if you don't, he'll just pick up with one of these other girls and you'll be left in the cold. This is just my opinion, but I don't think you are actually as okay with all of this as you claim. I think that, underneath, it hurts. What is it about this guy that makes you accept this sort of treatment? How much of yourself are you willing to give away just to keep him in your life? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 (edited) If he knows that she knows about his affairs, there will be a perceived shift of power in the relationship - not that you have any power right now edith, although you may feel like you do. In a way, if he knows that she knows he will be acutely aware that she has given her consent and signed on to this rather unconventional arrangement. He will do his own cost/benefit analysis and he may decide this arrangement works well enough for him too. He may decide to continue as he has been, without fear of consequence or reprisal. Or perhaps he will decide to leave and pursue other options - the secret is out and he no longer has to stay out of obligation or because he doesn’t want to hurt her. It’s this fear that keeps edith quiet. Either way, the phrase that comes to mind when I read your posts edith is that you have made a deal with the devil. You have done so willingly, knowing full well what you have to give up to get what you want. That’s fine, if you have done a cost/benefit analysis and decided that you are willing to accept this kind of behavior from your husband, that is your choice. But clearly, it gnaws at you because you continue to post, seeking reassurance that he does not love this other woman and that you are safe and secure in your marriage. NOBODY can provide that reassurance. Quite the contrary. So, if you have decided to stay, regardless, I too would suggest that you stop torturing yourself by monitoring his every communication with other women. It is what it is, and it will be what it will be. He has all the control in this situation, you are just along for the ride for as long as he wants you in the passenger seat... Edited September 12, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 Edith you should just put all of this out of your mind until - your kids move out of the home and attend college. At that point your husband will probably make his move. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 Edith you should just put all of this out of your mind until - your kids move out of the home and attend college. At that point your husband will probably make his move. OP, This could be excellent advice. If you choose this path, just make sure that you are pragmatic and think with your brain and not your emotions. Be prepared that, at any time, he may pull he rug out from under you and decide to leave. There's a saying about being as wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove. Enjoy your life, but always keep in mind that he may well choose to leave you at any time. If you have a job, make sure you put money away for your future. If you aren't working, start. Go back to school if you need to upgrade. Keep an eye on all your family's financial accounts, Track where the money is going and how it is being used. Talk to a lawyer about your rights and responsibilities should he decide to leave you. Whatever you do, DO NOT allow yourself to become emotionally/ financially dependent on him. You simply can not trust him, and if you have kids, it's a mistake you can't afford to make. Accept what he gives you as an "extra", but don't let him be the primary source of support in your life. I hate giving this advice, because it may help to keep you in a bad place. Right now, you're like Damocles- you know you have a sword over your head an your are desperately trying to keep it from falling. Is that really the life you want to lead? Is that stress worth it? When you look back on your life in the future, will you feel he added to your life or took away from it? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 OP, Whatever you do, DO NOT allow yourself to become emotionally/ financially dependent on him. She is though, unfortunately. If my memory serves me, they own a business together and she has said that it will be very difficult to untangle from the business. She has also very clearly said that she has thought about leaving, and decided that she does not want to be single, she wants to have a partner and she wants this man specifically to be her partner. Unfortunately, she is very dependent on this man financially and emotionally and that is what keeps her from having the honest discussion or leaving the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 Yes but whether she stays married to him or not rests in his lap and always has and I'm afraid Edith has no choice in this. However, if he divorces her he will owe her spousal support or half of the business. Maybe both but Edith should definitely save her money. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 I think if the ow outlast you in life your husband will be spending the rest of his days with her. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 YHowever, if he divorces her he will owe her spousal support or half of the business. Maybe both but Edith should definitely save her money. People like him, who feel entitled to whatever they feel they deserve, are often very crafty when it comes to diving assets. If he can hide them, I fully expect that he will do so. OP, this is why it's so important for you to make sure you know where you stand. See a lawyer and financial advisor and lay all this out for them. They can help you to protect yourself and your family moving on into the future. That may not be a pleasant experience, but staying in this marriage for whatever reason you have will come with a heavy price. Link to post Share on other sites
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