oldtruck Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 OP, do you want to save your marriage? Do you want a divorce? Being passive will get you neither. If you want to save your marriage then you have to seek tools to fight and end this affair? You want those tools all you have to do is ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted September 7, 2019 Author Share Posted September 7, 2019 Sorry for the delay, guys. And thanks for all the input. I do not want to divorce. I want the affair to end. BUT I do feel I’d have to divorce him if he’s emotionally involved with her. That’s the kind of betrayal I can’t forgive. I have stayed silent because I know in my heart he would say it’s just sex if I confronted him with evidence, hence my question about his emotional involvement since I can’t be objective. And I might believe him. If a group of people who know the entire situation agree that it couldn’t possibly be just sex, especially given my naïveté as far as affairs are concerned, I might hold my ground. More importantly, I’ve stayed silent because he’d just go underground even more and I’d lose my ability to know what’s going on. So I either decide to divorce and blow up the whole thing without chance of reconciliation, because he has feelings for her, or stay quiet and hope she stays away from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 It’s not likely she is going anywhere - and you can’t control that unless you divorce him. It’s also not likely he’s been having sex with her for ten years and isn’t emotionally tied to her. Looks like he’s as married to her as he is to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 stay quiet and hope she stays away from him. Which just continues your passive role in this whole broken relationship. edith, at some point you have to stop letting other people choose what life you're going to live. Not sure, given your history, you'll ever be brave enough, but you've surrendered almost all control over your own future and happiness. Waiting around while your spouse and his affair partner decide your outcome is the least fulfilling life I could imagine. A little righteous anger might serve you well here... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 I have stayed silent because I know in my heart he would say it’s just sex if I confronted him with evidence, hence my question about his emotional involvement since I can’t be objective. And I might believe him. Why is "just sex", OK with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted September 7, 2019 Author Share Posted September 7, 2019 Just sex is ok because I know it doesn’t mean anything to him. I knew when I married him that complete fidelity was off the table. He’s a former athlete and you guys have no idea what kind of sexual depravity exists in that world. My husband is above-average attractive so women always flock to him. He’s simply not the kind to say no, and I had accepted this about him. I’ve never given him permission, but I look the other way. This means that I don’t question him when I get suspicious. I know everything, and he has no idea. I also reject that he’s as married to her as he is to me - they’ve only had sex 6 times in 11 years, and only oral sex - her on him- because according to messages, that’s what she was comfortable with being married herself. I still half believe that he just reaches out to her out of boredom. I doubt their “relationship” is deeper than sex once in a while. Does the fact he keeps going back alone mean emotional attachment? I really can’t wrap my head around that. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 Personally I think if he gave her a diamond engagement ring tomorrow you would somehow manage to minimise his feelings for her. So really it is irrelevant how he feels about this or any other woman, as somehow you are going to be "OK" with it. You have to be, as a divorce is the last thing you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 Just sex is ok because I know it doesn’t mean anything to him. I knew when I married him that complete fidelity was off the table. He’s a former athlete and you guys have no idea what kind of sexual depravity exists in that world. My husband is above-average attractive so women always flock to him. He’s simply not the kind to say no, and I had accepted this about him. I’ve never given him permission, but I look the other way. This means that I don’t question him when I get suspicious. I know everything, and he has no idea. I also reject that he’s as married to her as he is to me - they’ve only had sex 6 times in 11 years, and only oral sex - her on him- because according to messages, that’s what she was comfortable with being married herself. I still half believe that he just reaches out to her out of boredom. I doubt their “relationship” is deeper than sex once in a while. Does the fact he keeps going back alone mean emotional attachment? I really can’t wrap my head around that. It could make him feel he is still the lion king, able to get oral from athlete groupies. Though being married makes it wrong for him and his OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 .I doubt their “relationship” is deeper than sex once in a while. Does the fact he keeps going back alone mean emotional attachment? I really can’t wrap my head around that. If you truly believe this why do you continuously post on here? You continue to make this point and then argue with everyone who disagrees with you. If you actually believed what you wrote then you wouldn't care because the affair would only be sexual and therefore permitted under your unspoken agreement. Do you think this man has any respect for you? Do you have any respect for yourself? I'm just waiting for this thread to go back to your one sided EA.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 Just sex is ok because I know it doesn’t mean anything to him. I knew when I married him that complete fidelity was off the table. He’s a former athlete and you guys have no idea what kind of sexual depravity exists in that world. My husband is above-average attractive so women always flock to him. He’s simply not the kind to say no, and I had accepted this about him. I’ve never given him permission, but I look the other way. This means that I don’t question him when I get suspicious. I know everything, and he has no idea. I also reject that he’s as married to her as he is to me - they’ve only had sex 6 times in 11 years, and only oral sex - her on him- because according to messages, that’s what she was comfortable with being married herself. I still half believe that he just reaches out to her out of boredom. I doubt their “relationship” is deeper than sex once in a while. Does the fact he keeps going back alone mean emotional attachment? I really can’t wrap my head around that. Complete disrespect. But how could he possibly respect you when you don’t even respect yourself? This really is more about you than him - you won’t do anything to change this... and that shows a lot... I would imagine you are constantly physically ill knowing all his info and betraying yourself by not changing things. It’s like swallowing poison...when you know that info and look the other way. You just end up sick by betraying that inner voice that says you deserve better. I hope you’ll change things. Seems that you would receive spousal support to live off of... why not file for divorce and be free of all this pretending? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 But I’m so afraid of getting fully hurt by this that I deny his emotional involvement every step of the way. Denying the hurt won’t cushion you. You’re allowing him to treat you very poorly and signalling to him that you’ll accept any kind of treatment from him, as long as he doesn’t leave you. That might be the case - but what if one day he does decide to leave you - either for the 11 year OW or for someone new that he respects and desires in a way he clearly doesn’t respect you? At that point you’ll have eroded any sense of your worth, and will struggle to pick yourself up and get on with your life without him. He may have been a catch once, but the gloss rubbed off that long ago when he started treating you poorly. Your life would be so much more satisfying without this big bucket of worry hanging over you all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 Just sex is ok because I know it doesn’t mean anything to him. I knew when I married him that complete fidelity was off the table. ... I’ve never given him permission, but I look the other way. This means that I don’t question him when I get suspicious. There's an old saying: "You Teach People How To Treat You". I can't think of a better example of this statement that your situation 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 There's an old saying: "You Teach People How To Treat You". I can't think of a better example of this statement that your situation I tend to agree. It seems you believe that it is inevitable that he would cheat edith, but there are many good looking men, and other former athletes, who are faithful to their wives and devoted to their families. You have chosen a man who does not value fidelity. It is the basic truth. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 op, if you are really okay with him sleeping with other women, that's your choice. The thing is that it doesn't sound like you are happy. Rather than being in a non-monogamous marriage by default, why not take the bull by the horns and stand up for yourself. Sit him down and talk about the situation. If you are okay with him seeing other women just for sex, then make some ground rules you both agree to. Do what you need to do to make this relationship functional for you. If you can't do that, then it could be that this marriage is not the place for you. Are you willing to continue feeling bad just so you can be married to this guy? Is accepting his behavior a price you are willing to pay? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I agree with pepperbird. If you are willing to tolerate his affairs, then have the discussion with your husband and lay some ground rules. For example, he is not allowed to develop an emotional relationship with another woman. You have chosen to look the other way and accept his affairs, but you don’t seem happy. You are monitoring him (you know what he’s doing before he does it ) and looking over your shoulder every single day... that’s no way to live. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Sit him down and talk about the situation. If you are okay with him seeing other women just for sex, then make some ground rules you both agree to. Do what you need to do to make this relationship functional for you. I guess she doesn't want to do that, in case he turns around and says "OMG you know, well since you know, I am leaving forthwith. I was only staying to protect you. Now you know, there is no need for me to pretend any longer..." If she bursts the happy domestic bubble she has maintained for years then where will that lead? She is no doubt scared to sail in those uncharted waters. The status quo for her is safe and whilst not exactly cosy, it is better than the alternative. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 If she bursts the happy domestic bubble she has maintained for years then where will that lead?. Given her level of angst and (natural) resentment, hard to believe that bubble exists. Her husband seems entitled and self-centered enough that an ‘on the table’ deal would be a natural fit. He gets to do what he wants and has Edith holding down the home front. She gets the life she apparently values above all else with some set ground rules... Win, win... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 .. an ‘on the table’ deal would be a natural fit. He gets to do what he wants and has Edith holding down the home front. She gets the life she apparently values above all else with some set ground rules... Atm he does what he wants to do anyway. No need for discussion. No need for transparency. No need for "ground rules", save what he sets for himself... Why would his wife getting involved be a "win" for him? She can set all the rules she likes but it doesn't mean he has to follow them. Her trump card is divorce, but as she will never play it, then it is of no real advantage. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Having an honest discussion about the infidelity in this marriage will prompt one of two things. Either he is selfish and entitled enough that he will continue doing as he has been doing... In this case, the discussion could bring some transparency, alleviating her worries and allowing her some control with the discussion about boundaries/ground rules. Or, it will be either threatening or freeing to him and he will leave. And this fear, is probably what keeps edith from having the discussion. In a way she has more power if he doesn’t know that she knows... And, she has worked so hard for so many years to keep this marriage together and maintain her family/lifestyle, it’s doubtful that she is willing to do anything to risk it now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted September 11, 2019 Author Share Posted September 11, 2019 That’s exactly my dilemma- I do think he would leave. And I don’t want my kids to come from an unstable home. And don’t even try to argue that the hidden affairs make their life unstable now, I simply disagree. I would lose all my power if he knew that I know. Right now, I can see where this affair with this woman is going - the other messages to other women are so different - and decide for or against divorce. The truth is, and I know I’ll be criticized, is that I can’t imagine my life without him. But I haven’t felt loved by him since I found out about this other woman, some 9 years ago. But at the same time, they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, so how serious can they be?? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Edith as we've told you before, what does any of this matter? You've decided you're going to stay with him affair or not, in love with the other woman or not, you still want him. Why don't you just accept that he is in love with another woman but you have him for now and just forget about it. Isn't it tiring going around and around in a circle for all these years? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 I have to agree with stillafool. What he feels about her doesn't matter. My advice to you is to stop looking for information. You have decided to stay with him no matter what, so its pretty pointless. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 I would lose all my power if he knew that I know. Exactly what power is that ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 It seems rather silly to ask a bunch of strangers who don't know you nor your husband what he "could" be feeling based on some exchanges. I'm having a hard time understanding how you are ok with your H sleeping with numerous other groupies and women, putting your home life and health at great risk. Just because he's good-looking doesn't give him a pass, come on, now. What if he got another woman pregnant? What if he brought you home an incurable disease? Girl there ain't NO MAN ALIVE worth sacrificing your self-respect for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 op, I re-read your posts, and to be frank, I don't understand them. You imply you are okay with him seeing other women, so long as he comes home to you. Mam, you fingers typed that sort of thing, but your words indicate you are NOT okay with it, not really. What do you mean you can't talk to him about all of this because it would give away your power?What power? it's as if you feel like you have to be a good little girl and put up with his crap treatment because if you don't, he'll just pick up with one of these other girls and you'll be left in the cold. This is just my opinion, but I don't think you are actually as okay with all of this as you claim. I think that, underneath, it hurts. What is it about this guy that makes you accept this sort of treatment? How much of yourself are you willing to give away just to keep him in your life? Link to post Share on other sites
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