I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[BaileyB]

If he knows that she knows about his affairs, there will be a perceived shift of power in the relationship - not that you have any power right now edith, although you may feel like you do. In a way, if he knows that she knows he will be acutely aware that she has given her consent and signed on to this rather unconventional arrangement. He will do his own cost/benefit analysis and he may decide this arrangement works well enough for him too. He may decide to continue as he has been, without fear of consequence or reprisal. Or perhaps he will decide to leave and pursue other options - the secret is out and he no longer has to stay out of obligation or because he doesn’t want to hurt her. It’s this fear that keeps edith quiet.

 

Either way, the phrase that comes to mind when I read your posts edith is that you have made a deal with the devil. You have done so willingly, knowing full well what you have to give up to get what you want. That’s fine, if you have done a cost/benefit analysis and decided that you are willing to accept this kind of behavior from your husband, that is your choice. But clearly, it gnaws at you because you continue to post, seeking reassurance that he does not love this other woman and that you are safe and secure in your marriage. NOBODY can provide that reassurance. Quite the contrary. So, if you have decided to stay, regardless, I too would suggest that you stop torturing yourself by monitoring his every communication with other women. It is what it is, and it will be what it will be. He has all the control in this situation, you are just along for the ride for as long as he wants you in the passenger seat...

Edited September 12, 2019 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

Edith you should just put all of this out of your mind until - your kids move out of the home and attend college. At that point your husband will probably make his move.

[pepperbird]

Edith you should just put all of this out of your mind until - your kids move out of the home and attend college. At that point your husband will probably make his move.

 

OP,

This could be excellent advice. If you choose this path, just make sure that you are pragmatic and think with your brain and not your emotions. Be prepared that, at any time, he may pull he rug out from under you and decide to leave.

 

There's a saying about being as wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove. Enjoy your life, but always keep in mind that he may well choose to leave you at any time. If you have a job, make sure you put money away for your future. If you aren't working, start. Go back to school if you need to upgrade. Keep an eye on all your family's financial accounts, Track where the money is going and how it is being used. Talk to a lawyer about your rights and responsibilities should he decide to leave you.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT allow yourself to become emotionally/ financially dependent on him. You simply can not trust him, and if you have kids, it's a mistake you can't afford to make. Accept what he gives you as an "extra", but don't let him be the primary source of support in your life.

 

I hate giving this advice, because it may help to keep you in a bad place. Right now, you're like Damocles- you know you have a sword over your head an your are desperately trying to keep it from falling. Is that really the life you want to lead? Is that stress worth it? When you look back on your life in the future, will you feel he added to your life or took away from it?

[BaileyB]

OP,

Whatever you do, DO NOT allow yourself to become emotionally/ financially dependent on him.

 

She is though, unfortunately. If my memory serves me, they own a business together and she has said that it will be very difficult to untangle from the business. She has also very clearly said that she has thought about leaving, and decided that she does not want to be single, she wants to have a partner and she wants this man specifically to be her partner. Unfortunately, she is very dependent on this man financially and emotionally and that is what keeps her from having the honest discussion or leaving the marriage.

[stillafool]

Yes but whether she stays married to him or not rests in his lap and always has and I'm afraid Edith has no choice in this. However, if he divorces her he will

owe her spousal support or half of the business. Maybe both but Edith should definitely save her money.

[Rayce]

I think if the ow outlast you in life your husband will be spending the rest of his days with her.

[pepperbird]

YHowever, if he divorces her he will

owe her spousal support or half of the business. Maybe both but Edith should definitely save her money.

 

People like him, who feel entitled to whatever they feel they deserve, are often very crafty when it comes to diving assets. If he can hide them, I fully expect that he will do so.

 

OP, this is why it's so important for you to make sure you know where you stand. See a lawyer and financial advisor and lay all this out for them. They can help you to protect yourself and your family moving on into the future. That may not be a pleasant experience, but staying in this marriage for whatever reason you have will come with a heavy price.

[edith]

Some very sobering posts, thanks for the help. So the general consensus seems to be that my husband is staying out of obligation, and will leave once the kids leave? The business situation will be the same then. Yes, we own a business together and he was in corporate America for years before joining me, where he met this ow, but he was always unofficially involved before then. I’m very aware of our financial situation, but splitting up the business would be a nightmare - one I don’t see him wanting to face even after the kids are grown. I could be wrong.

 

I would risk it, though - I am definitely not set on staying if he’s in love with someone else, that’s why I keep asking if he sounds emotionally involved. I absolutely would leave if I knew he wants her for more than sex. I just don’t see enough in their relationship to uproot my entire life, aside from the length of the affair. I do still love my husband but if he doesn’t love me, I don’t want to share my life with him.

[Crazelnut]

Why don't you just ask him? Why don't you both make an informed decision about your marriage, instead of playing games and keeping secrets amd making assumptions and you constantly afraid and anxious??

[jspice]

 

I would risk it, though - I am definitely not set on staying if he’s in love with someone else, that’s why I keep asking if he sounds emotionally involved. I absolutely would leave if I knew he wants her for more than sex. I just don’t see enough in their relationship to uproot my entire life, aside from the length of the affair. I do still love my husband but if he doesn’t love me, I don’t want to share my life with him.

 

It doesn’t matter if he’s emotionally involved with her. He’s not emotionally involved with you. He can’t love you. He doesn’t respect you.

The only question you need to answer is how long you’re going to tolerate living life with a man who cares nothing about you.

[Amethyst68]

I do still love my husband but if he doesn’t love me, I don’t want to share my life with him.

 

Can I ask why you think your husband loves you? There's nothing in your posts that supports this...

[whichwayisup]

He loves himself most. He loves the OW and how she makes him feel. He has no responsibility to her, no real obligation either. She meets his needs that he isn't getting from you. He loves you because you're his life, created children with him, you two have a history, families entwined and a business, finances etc, house and a life together. He isn't going to give either of you! Why would he? He's a king, has two women and he's on top of the world.

 

Don't be so afraid of losing him. You won't be alone, you'll have your kids, friends and other family to help and be there for you.

 

After so many years he'd be pretty stupid to think you were clueless about his long term affair. I'm betting if you told him you've known for a long time SOMETHING will happen either way. Aren't you tired of this life of him lying to you?

[S2B]

Love doesn’t look like that... he is mistreating you. That’s not love.

 

I was with my exH for 27 years before I woke up and decided that I deserved to be loved AND honored!

 

Our marriage left me wondering how many times he must have looked into my eyes and said he loved me after leaving her an hour before.

 

And I definitely know every time I suspected and questioned him I got expensive jewelry within a day or so.

 

I try not to look back and think about scenarios that hurt. But when I can help someone gain clarity about not being treated right - I’ll do it.

 

I’ve been divorced nearly 15 years... it was an adjustment at first —-> but my god - the freedom I have now is amazing! I have peace of mind! I no longer wonder if the person who is supposed to love me the most in the whole world is betraying me and stabbing me in the back.

 

I also don’t wonder if he’s laughing behind my back.

 

That freedom is EVERYTHING!

 

And yes, I get monthly support money... and I will until he dies or I die. I also got a big life insurance policy in the court papers on him that pays out to me. My life insurance that we had since I was 25 years old he will always have to pay that premium - but the beneficiaries on that have been changed to my kids names. ��

 

If you ask the court - you have a chance you can get it.

 

 

And for what it’s worth - it also looks obvious he’s cheated on his current wife several times since they married ten years ago. He does certain things that make it obvious he’s cheating - but I doubt she knows what those cues are... and I’m not telling her.

 

Don’t be afraid to stand up for what’s best for yourself... don’t be afraid to divorce him. It’s actually fun being single now!

[merrmeade]

Amazing how long we can live in denial. My husband was the most handsome man you've ever seen, I promise. Same thing. Women couldn't resist. He'd have "flings" and somehow feel they weren't important. Difference is you know; I didn't. Either way, when I did find out I did the same thing and tried to put every kind of dressing on it he gave me. In your case, you've created this weird set of rules that you will NEVER be able to prove that he's broken.

 

One thing that you are completely fooling yourself about because you have no experience with cheating yourself, is what you call emotional involvement. Have you ever thought about what HE considers emotional involvement? I disagree that physical attraction and emotional vulnerability are mutually exclusive. The flirting and tracking that goes on when someone like your husband is allowing himself to be pulled into an affair involves the whole person or it's no fun. Every single episode has some degree of openness or it's not worth it. Believe me, "emotional" with his extensive experience is part of the game.

 

But nevermind, because when I look at all this, nothing seems to matter to you but this notion that it all revolves around whether or not he's emotionally involved. I've already said that I think he's always emtionally involved to some extent in every liaison, so it would be ludicrous to entertain the possibility of getting the truth from him. Lying is second nature by now; he doesn't even know when he does it. And you can't hope to get an analysis from us based on the conjectures from the little evidence you have.

 

If you want to know, get serious about finding out. Hire a PI or start digging deeper yourself. Put a VAR in the car or office. You'll think of something. You can't keep up this hand-wringing stasis.

 

But may I suggest that, really, you are postponing what you already suspect and everyone here is telling you. It will be just as difficult to accept when you have proof. It will be awful. That's why you keep extending the leash and forgiving the disrespect he's showing you.

 

Try taking some time to think about a plan—how you will protect yourself, where you would move, what you would do in a new life. You might not mind some of what you envision. You sound pretty competent and I'd guess you'll end up on your feet right away. Why not pre-empt things so you have the upper hand?

[gettinoverit]

OP,

This could be excellent advice. If you choose this path, just make sure that you are pragmatic and think with your brain and not your emotions. Be prepared that, at any time, he may pull he rug out from under you and decide to leave.

 

There's a saying about being as wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove. Enjoy your life, but always keep in mind that he may well choose to leave you at any time. If you have a job, make sure you put money away for your future. If you aren't working, start. Go back to school if you need to upgrade. Keep an eye on all your family's financial accounts, Track where the money is going and how it is being used. Talk to a lawyer about your rights and responsibilities should he decide to leave you.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT allow yourself to become emotionally/ financially dependent on him. You simply can not trust him, and if you have kids, it's a mistake you can't afford to make. Accept what he gives you as an "extra", but don't let him be the primary source of support in your life.

 

I hate giving this advice, because it may help to keep you in a bad place. Right now, you're like Damocles- you know you have a sword over your head an your are desperately trying to keep it from falling. Is that really the life you want to lead? Is that stress worth it? When you look back on your life in the future, will you feel he added to your life or took away from it?

 

Edith, this is sound advice right up here. It was the final conclusion I came to, around 10 years into my marriage. The only difference between you and me, is that I WASN'T able to turn a blind eye to it all, and he knew that I knew etc etc. I regret that now. I should have kept quiet and gathered the evidence I needed. Confronting him didn't change his behavior, it just made him more cautious and sneaky. Not that sneaky - I still caught him a few more times. Note to self for next time: at least marry someone not stupid enough to get caught over and over!

Eventually, I cut myself off emotionally from him. It was the only way to survive. I couldn't physically leave at the time (circumstances were very complicated) so I cut myself off and started planning for a life without him. My plan was to wait until the kids were grown up. That hasn't happened - it all got too much in the end and we have now separated, but ironically the separation wound up being nothing to do with his infidelity. We are knocking along fine as friends and co-parents. I have finally accepted he is who he is, and forgiven everything, including myself for staying (I really DID have no choice at all at the time).

My advice to you now is: get a plan in place for YOUR future. I see so much of you writing about HIM, what HE'S doing, what HE feels. What about YOU, my dear?1 What do YOU want? How do YOU want your life to be? Now - if THIS is how you want to live, then knock yourself out. But I don't believe it is, is it? You want more for yourself than this half-assed crappy marriage, I'm sure.

You are immensely strong emotionally to have kept quiet all these years. Keep going a little longer. Quietly gather all your evidence. Save it somewhere safe. Let your boys grow up. And, when the time is right, you will know. And by that time, you will have a plan in place ready to go.

My plan was the only thing that kept me going at times. Still is now. I'll be ready to make that leap in about 5-8 years. Meanwhile, life is ticking along nicely for me now I am not someone's emotional punching bag any more. Think about your future, and set a plan for it. He thinks he's so smart with all his dalliances he's getting away with? Be smarter. I think you are.

[Mr. Lucky]

Let your boys grow up. And, when the time is right, you will know.

 

This is the example you'd want to set for your kids and the emotional environment you'd choose to raise a family in ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

And just for the record, I could care less if he’s married. This is not about falling in love and having kids. It’s about sex. Pure and simple.

 

I disagree that he won’t try to follow through. He would have discouraged the flirting until now if that were the case. I do agree he’s enjoying it - because our interest has only been platonic for 6+ years, and this is the first time we’ve had enough contact for the flirting to escalate. It must be different for someone just reading a narrative, but I recognize his tone and looks and reactions when we are face to face. His physical interest has been clear for years - I am an attractive woman - , but the question here is whether or not he will turn it into more. I am not the kind of woman to chase a man - that’s for ugly women. Our interactions have only just started - and escalated - since basketball season started. We are both married people in a small community. It would be social suicide to come out of the blue “confessing feelings” for another parent! That’s for single, unattached and low-level people.

 

The married-but-cheating game is much more subtle and involved. We need to feel each other our first. I haven’t done anything that makes him sure of my interest. We’re both walking on eggshells and that’s what makes it exciting, in my opinion. So I guess some posters could be right.... But I highly doubt it.

 

You and your husband were made for each other. You should stay with him. I do feel a great deal of sympathy for your son. What a lousy example the two of you are setting for him.

 

I haven't even finished reading the entire thread. I only got this far before my head exploded. Sorry.

Edited September 26, 2019 by vla1120

[vla1120]

This only makes me think of how people like my husband cheat as if it’s nothing. I haven’t even done anything and I’m dying of anxiety already! The coach is obviously having second thoughts as well, because he acted as if I don’t exist. I need to communicate with him but have asked my husband to text him instead - he didn’t suspect anything. I’m resisting wondering why the coach is acting like this - I was covertly paying attention and he acted completely normal towards all other parents. Perhaps the 6 hours we spent together last week crossed the line for him. I’m now trying to give myself a break from thinking - about him, about my husband and his cheating, and about how I need to stop existing as a product of my relationship with men. I need to find out who I am apart from them.

 

Thank God! You've restored my faith (so far....still reading....)

Edited September 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[edith]

I’m in tears right now.

 

The woman reached out to my husband today.

 

She wrote “I’ve been thinking about you lately. Am I too late? I know it’s been a while.”

 

He wrote back a few minutes later “That’s nice to hear.” Then she said she had spent the past few days trying not to text him and asked if he still thinks about her. Then she added she “thinks about the past too much”. He wrote back “That’s ok to do. I think about the past all of the time.”

 

Then she said she wants to see him because it’s been 6 years and invited him to her house! Now, from all the messages I’ve pieced together, the times they were together - 6 in 11 years -, were in his office or his car because she didn’t want to go to a hotel. He immediately accepted. They went back and forth in messages and made a date for this week.

 

I was so sure it was over, that’s why I had stopped posting. But I’m coming to the conclusion that if he’s still interested in sex with her when they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, and he’s currently cheating with someone else, it must be more than sex. I can’t think straight right now. We have activities planned with the kids this weekend and I don’t know how I’m going to look at him. My blood ran cold when I saw the messages. I was so sure it was over.

[S2B]

Why not knock on her door when you know he’s with her?

 

That’s what I would do... with divorce papers in hand, of course.

 

And ONLY after moving ALL assets into my name only.

 

That would be my plan! Oh gosh... that’s pretty much what I did do back in 2005.

 

Ya, I had my revenge. And I figured if he was willing to hurt me constantly - I deserved to hurt him when it happened. Oh - and get this - he tried blaming me! Ahaha, he’s a true narcissist - never takes responsibility for any crap he pulls.

 

 

I’m sorry it hurts... but it will ONLY get better when YOU take action to change it.

[elaine567]

You seem to be totally non-plussed about the fact he is currently cheating with someone else, yet are obsessed with this woman.

Do you never wonder that the next woman he cheats with will be "the love of his life..." is that not the risk you run by allowing him free rein to cheat on you...?

 

Whether he is "in love" with this woman or not, I have no idea, but he wasted no time in replying to her, so I guess she still holds his interest...

[BaileyB]

He’s currently cheating with two separate women.

 

I’m sorry edith. I know it’s hard, I am concerned for your mental health. For me, it would be about getting away from the situation and finding some support right now. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m in tears right now.

 

Edith, why now? Most spouses would have been cried out long ago.

 

If you're in denial, which is generally accepted as the first stage of grief, hopefully you move to next one quickly. It's anger, useful in your situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Edith, why now? Most spouses would have been cried out long ago.

 

If you're in denial, which is generally accepted as the first stage of grief

 

If denial is the first stage of grief, it is also sometimes used as a coping strategy... As I believe, it has been used here. All is well and good, until the point when some things can no longer be denied.

 

I don’t know any woman who would be able to attend their children’s activities as if nothing was wrong, knowing full well that their husband is cheating with two women. At some point, you were bound to reach a breaking point. The question becomes, how are you going to handle this now...

[merrmeade]

I was so sure it was over, that’s why I had stopped posting. But I’m coming to the conclusion that if he’s still interested in sex with her when they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, and he’s currently cheating with someone else, it must be more than sex. I can’t think straight right now. We have activities planned with the kids this weekend and I don’t know how I’m going to look at him. My blood ran cold when I saw the messages. I was so sure it was over.

You say you have concluded (unless you second-guess it) that "... it must be more than sex" since "... he’s still interested in sex with her when they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, and he’s currently cheating with someone else..."

 

Have you answered your question "Is this serious?"

Edited September 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited