I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[merrmeade]

So if I don't think about the weirdness and absurdity of your obsession with proving he has actual feelings for someone, I have another take on your husband. Nevermind what you should do about it. The shift in your world view needed to accept truth here is just too big for me to think about how to help.

 

But for what it's worth, here's what I'd like to suggest might be at work with your husband:

 

From all you've said, he appears to be a classic serial cheater and narcissist. He needs admiration and the flirting gives it. His interest/lust/crush is usually requited. He doesn't lose when he engages with someone or get rejected.

 

Maybe the abiding interest in this woman is because she actually broke up with him. Also, she didn't go right to bed with him. She was not a slam dunk.

 

I'm just saying when someone really is hard to get, it makes serial cheaters like your husband think they feel more.

 

None of it is real. He's clearly incapable of true commitment and the deep joy and satisfaction that comes from knowing his intimacy with another person is something they own exclusively. He'll never know that.

[edith]

Very sobering posts, thank you. I’ve been out of sorts since Friday. He knows something is wrong since I barely say a word to him. He is keeping quiet as well. I’m doing my best to keep up a front for the kids but I’m shattered inside.

 

I went back to the messages and to be honest, he doesn’t seem that interested in her. In one of the messages, after accepting to go to her house, he asks what she wants to do. She says something like “I hadn’t even thought about that, I just want to see you”. Then he writes “Haha. I want you on your knees and...” then goes on to say something really graphic. She replies in kind and then asks him what time. He replies and the last message is hers, saying “I can’t wait.” He doesn’t reply. So it appears to me that either he’s feeling really cocky that she reached out to him, or he’s really not that interested. I also keep telling myself that when she asked if he still thinks about her, he didn’t answer directly, but replied saying he thinks about “the past all of the time”. His past with her? The past in general? He was very vague, which makes me feel better.

 

So now I’m thinking he may not go. I’m hanging on to that based on his cockiness. I’ve also read messages from the woman he’s currently sleeping with, it’s all sexual. What I still can’t reconcile is how his interest in the 11-year OW is still there. But he may not go on Friday. I almost get a sense that he deliberately wants to hurt her, which to me would mean he’s NOT emotionally involved with her.

[Mr. Lucky]

So now I’m thinking he may not go. I’m hanging on to that based on his cockiness. I’ve also read messages from the woman he’s currently sleeping with, it’s all sexual. What I still can’t reconcile is how his interest in the 11-year OW is still there. But he may not go on Friday. I almost get a sense that he deliberately wants to hurt her, which to me would mean he’s NOT emotionally involved with her.

 

Why are you so focused on his life with them rather than the reality of his life with you? Almost like you’re his cheating concierge...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

Well he may be taking it slow with her this time since she has rejected him so much in the past. Also he has a new affair partner and could be getting emotionally connected to her by now and the sting of this other OW isn't as strong as before. One thing is for sure Edith; sooner or later he is going to meet an OW who he will fall in love with and leave. Probably after the kids go off to college. You need to start saving your money for that now.

[stillafool]

 

So now I’m thinking he may not go. I’m hanging on to that based on his cockiness. I’ve also read messages from the woman he’s currently sleeping with, it’s all sexual. What I still can’t reconcile is how his interest in the 11-year OW is still there. But he may not go on Friday. I almost get a sense that he deliberately wants to hurt her, which to me would mean he’s NOT emotionally involved with her.

 

Don't underestimate the power of good sex. It binds people and by now this new affair partner may be so deep in his head that the old one is on his back burner. How does your husband get all of these women? He must be good looking with a lot of game.

[BaileyB]

I went back to the messages and to be honest, he doesn’t seem that interested in her.

 

And, you’ve found another way to rationalize this such that you can continue to live in denial... not surprising.

 

edith, your husband is sending graphic sexual messages to two different women. He is engaged in sexual relationships with two different women. If this isn’t grounds for divorce, I really don’t know what is...

[S2B]

Boy... he is an extreme narcissist with no emotional depth.

 

Do you plan to get out of this relationship Edith or are you trying to justify staying?

[LivingWaterPlease]

edith, I know you want to believe she means nothing to him. And I'm sorry to write the following, but it seems to me it's in your best interest to change your perspective on this a little.

 

I went back to the messages and to be honest, he doesn’t seem that interested in her.

 

I disagree judging from what you've written below. You are assessing his interest based on your own ways of communicating. He obviously functions very differently than you do.

 

In one of the messages, after accepting to go to her house, he asks what she wants to do. She says something like “I hadn’t even thought about that, I just want to see you”.

 

Her response indicates she is emotionally interested in him, it seems to me. But, that doesn't necessarily mean they love each other.

 

Then he writes “Haha. I want you on your knees and...” then goes on to say something really graphic.

 

IMO, had he led with this comment it would mean something different. Notice he firsts asks her what she wants to do. When she expresses emotional interest in him it triggers a physical desire in him for her. I'm sorry to say that he was drawn in by her emotional interest in him.

 

She replies in kind and then asks him what time. He replies and the last message is hers, saying “I can’t wait.”

 

Game on.

 

He doesn’t reply.

 

I don't believe he needs to. Rather, he's letting the situation smolder. More compelling than replying.

 

He's definitely a seasoned player and this just demonstrates what you have indicated to be the case.

 

So it appears to me that either he’s feeling really cocky that she reached out to him, or he’s really not that interested.

 

I'm sorry but I believe he's very interested. There was a lot of chemistry in their exchange. It may seem brief but that is because they both know what to expect given their history together. More words aren't needed.

 

I also keep telling myself that when she asked if he still thinks about her, he didn’t answer directly, but replied saying he thinks about “the past all of the time”. His past with her? The past in general? He was very vague, which makes me feel better.

 

His past with her, obviously. It doesn't seem vague to me at all and I doubt it was to her.

 

So now I’m thinking he may not go. I’m hanging on to that based on his cockiness.

 

He may or may not go. I'd guess he will. If he doesn't, that won't end the interest the two of them have in each other. If he doesn't go the convo you wrote about above will serve as foreplay (building anticipation) for the next encounter.

 

I’ve also read messages from the woman he’s currently sleeping with, it’s all sexual. What I still can’t reconcile is how his interest in the 11-year OW is still there. But he may not go on Friday. I almost get a sense that he deliberately wants to hurt her, which to me would mean he’s NOT emotionally involved with her.

 

I didn't get the sense at all that he wants to hurt her. I believe there is some sort of strong bond between them. Not sure what it is, wouldn't go so far as to call it love.

 

I don't believe, based on the above, that he'll leave you. Seems that if he were going to leave you for her he'd have done so by now. They probably realize it's just a case of very strong chemistry that may dissipate if they left their spouses and came out in the open as a couple. As long as you'll allow him to behave this way, I believe you've got him. But, that's only my opinion. None of us can predict the future.

Edited September 29, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease

[BaileyB]

As long as you'll allow him to behave this way, I believe you've got him. But, that's only my opinion.

 

The question becomes, at what personal cost?

[LivingWaterPlease]

The question becomes, at what personal cost?

 

Right.

 

And saying, "You've got him," doesn't indicate she has his heart. It means he's most likely going to continue living in the same house with her.

 

Why would he want to leave? He lives as if he's a single man, he's got access to his children whenever he wants them, he has a babysitter who loves his children and takes good care of them, he doesn't have to pay alimony and he hasn't had to split his assets. I seriously doubt he'll leave.

 

But, then, from reading her posts that seems to me OP's main concern, whether he'll leave or not.

[S2B]

Have you ever inquired with an attorney as to what you would get/walk away with if you decided to divorce?

 

I think it would be wise for you to gather information in case you decide that’s what will happen.

 

Ask about support money and division of assets including any retirement accounts.

[Allupinnit]

I hope the both of you decide to have more respect for your family and marriage than this whole mess.

[edith]

I honestly don’t know what else I can do. LivingWater was 100% correct in her assessment. I don’t know how to get past the hurt.

 

I noticed my husband in a snappy mood earlier in the week in the afternoon and just knew something was up. He spends one night a week out of town for our business, so after he got back, I was able to check the messages.

 

The woman texted him the other day to say “I can’t see you on Friday. Sorry.” He replied “Another time then”. I see the time stamps on messages and no reply from her. In the evening, he texts her again saying “What are you doing?” She replies quickly and says she’ll talk to him later and explain. He messages back saying “I’m in the city, in a beautiful suite all by myself” and “Imagine if you were here...” I get no such texts. I barely hear from him when he’s out of town. At this point my heart is dropping, but it gets much worse.

 

She replies later saying she’s starting a business out of town and that changed her schedule on Friday. She replies with another dirty text and they start sexting. There is a lot of back and forth, and I’m reading all of this with tears in my eyes. At one point he says things like “I want to see that beautiful face” and “Your mouth is mine, I own it” and she says “You own all of me, you always have”. She says she loves being dirty with him and he says “But you’re only like that with me” and “I love that about you”. He acts very possessive toward her. This is so different from his sexting with other women I’ve seen before. This is why I’ve been so bothered by this. She talks about how he’s only the second person she’s been with and he seems enthralled by that. I can’t imagine what he’s like with her in person, if via text he’s already this possessive.

 

She says she has to go bed and asks when should they really do “all of this”. He answers Friday and she says she has to leave early that day and would Monday work for him. He says yes and she sends him her address. So he was trying to get her to see him on Friday all along, trying to turn her on so she’d see him. I didn’t want to believe LivingWater’s message about how interested he was, but there’s no denying it now. It is, as she said, in my best interest to see this objectively, which is so hard for me and why I like this forum so much.

 

I did see an attorney once, back in 2010. He said he couldn’t help me unless I was serious about divorce, but we did go over how the business part would function should I go down that road, which only confirmed my suspicion that it would be a nightmare. What keeps going through my head is how can he be so possessive of her when he hasn’t even seen her in 6 years, and what does it mean that it takes one word from her and he acts as if time hasn’t passed. I don’t want to see him. I’ve been in the office the whole time since, only coming out to be with the kids when they need me, because just the thought of him triggers a kind of anger and hopelessness I can’t explain. I’m starting to think that he really does have a bond with this woman that nothing seems to break. And if they do see each other on Monday, it will only deepen.

[Mr. Lucky]

At this point, you’re only shopping for more pain by continuing to read his messages. You know everything you need to know, so why continue the unhealthy fixation on their relationship?

 

Since it seems you’ll never leave, why not discuss transparently allowing him to open the marriage? At least you’d then both be on the same page...

 

Mr. Lucky

[edith]

Because I need to know if he has feelings for her. I will not stay regardless - I will not stay if he wants more than sex from her. I’m slowly coming to the realization that this might be serious for him and he’s emotionally involved, but that’s not a given. I’ve only had certain clues that he’s involved but I don’t want to break up my marriage over a woman who’s just sex.

[stillafool]

Edith we've known your husband is in love with this woman and would leave you tomorrow if he could have her for himself. I'm glad that you are finally seeing that his feelings for her are real and more than just sex. He more than likely thinks she's his soulmate. Again, none of this matters because you aren't going to leave. Why do you continue to hurt yourself by snooping. You need to develop a blind eye.

[elaine567]

Since it seems you’ll never leave, why not discuss transparently allowing him to open the marriage? At least you’d then both be on the same page...

 

She doesn't want to do that, she is scared to let him know she knows about his infidelity, in case he leaves. She has already said that previously.

 

"Now I know that you know about my other women, there is no reason for me to stay..."

 

Open marriages are rarely the answer to actual problems within a marriage. Cheaters may want the "freedom", but most tend to want a chaste wife at home... sneaking about in secrecy also adds to the excitement...

[notbroken]

The only thing that is really preventing you from divorcing him is fear. Everything else is only an excuse. This is not good or healthy for you, your husband, or anyone else. Divorce him or accept he is the snake that he is and live with it (likely miserably).

[vla1120]

OP, my heart goes out to you. Your husband has gotten away with this for so long, and I believe it has slowly chipped away at your self-worth. It is no wonder you sought attention elsewhere. You needed some confirmation that you were a desirable woman because your husband has not made you feel that way (at least not exclusively.)

 

I know breaking up your business will be hard and I know you said you do not want to divorce your husband, but I don't see how you can continue this way and keep your sanity.

 

#1 - You need ALL you need to know. Do not torture yourself any more by reading his messages (except to take screenshots and make copies of EVERYTHING for evidence against him. Be sure to put them in a safe place and/or store them in the cloud so he cannot dispose of them when/if you confront him.)

 

#2 - Don't worry about hurting your children with a divorce. I can only imagine they can sense the relationship is already broken. Having a happy mom who is able to move forward with her life will mean more to them than staying in a dysfunctional household.

 

#3 - I've known two women who stayed with cheating husbands because they liked living their wealthy lifestyle and were willing to overlook their husbands' infidelities because of that. Their children were in private schools, they were driving the cars they wanted, and they thought were the envy of all their friends. BUT, they really were NOT the envy of all their friends because we all knew the truth. Neither of them had the means to support themselves. Sadly, once their looks started to fade from age, they were replaced with younger versions of themselves. You are not in that position if you own half of that company. Accept that it will be painful to split the company and just get a very good (bulldog) lawyer who will make sure YOU get your fair share!

 

#3 - Seek some individual counseling for yourself so that when this is over, you can move forward with the confidence and self-assurance that he has shredded over the years.

 

Then, go find some happiness for yourself. Become your own best friend - the only one you'll ever need.

[S2B]

Because I need to know if he has feelings for her. I will not stay regardless - I will not stay if he wants more than sex from her. I’m slowly coming to the realization that this might be serious for him and he’s emotionally involved, but that’s not a given. I’ve only had certain clues that he’s involved but I don’t want to break up my marriage over a woman who’s just sex.

 

I hate to say it but this marriage was broken up long ago... he just didn’t bother to inform you - AND you haven’t done anything to acknowledge that.

 

No healthy marriage has vows that state that several other people can be inserted into the union and have it survive.

 

He’s ruined it long ago - time for you to change things by taking action to acknowledge what’s real.

[Amethyst68]

Edith, how do you think your husband feels about you? Has he even noticed you've been avoiding him? Has he asked about the changes in your behaviour? Are you anything more than wallpaper to him? I'm not asking to be cruel but trying to get you to 'see' him.

[Mr. Lucky]

Open marriages are rarely the answer to actual problems within a marriage. Cheaters may want the "freedom", but most tend to want a chaste wife at home... sneaking about in secrecy also adds to the excitement...

 

Didn’t mean it’d be open for her. It would be a strange arrangement, but the whole thing is already off the rails...

 

Mr. Lucky

[edith]

How does he feel about me? I wouldn’t know. He must know I know, because he doesn’t say a word when I act distant. He is very present with the kids but our communication is comprised of business only, and the kids. I don’t have any intention of letting him know we have an open marriage, if I choose to divorce him, I’ll catch him by surprise. He will never suspect it until it’s time to serve him with divorce papers.

 

I cannot describe the severity of my heartache - the more I remember their messages, the more I start seeing that this one affair is a threat to my marriage - in one of the messages, he told her “I love that you will do anything I want” and she says “All you have to do is ask. You know that.” There were many times when he wrote “I love” - not “I love you”, but he was listing all the things he loves “about” her. No one would ever guess that they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, you’d think they’ve been together all of this time. I still resist that he’s “in love” with her, though - wouldn’t he have said so by now? I know I’m digging my heels in, but I don’t know if I can take his emotional involvement.

 

I’m sorry if I didn’t answer all questions - I’m trying to write in the middle of work and trying to get the kids to do their homework, and he’s in his office.

 

I pray every night that he won’t fall in love with her.

[BaileyB]

I don’t actually believe that they haven’t seen each other in six years. People who haven’t seen each other in six years don’t send texts like those...

 

You really have to ask yourself what he is doing when he is “out of town” one night every week.

 

And, I think you fool yourself if he doesn’t suspect that you know. He would have to be a fool not to suspect that he will never get caught, or that you don’t already know and have accepted the situation.

[edith]

I thought the same at first, that there’s no way they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, but both have mentioned multiple times that it’s been 6 years since they’ve seen each other. They weren’t trying to hide anything. So the question remains - if two people talk to each other with that level of intimacy, and haven’t seen each other in years, what does that say about their “relationship “?