I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[Allupinnit]

I hope the both of you decide to have more respect for your family and marriage than this whole mess.

[edith]

I honestly don’t know what else I can do. LivingWater was 100% correct in her assessment. I don’t know how to get past the hurt.

 

I noticed my husband in a snappy mood earlier in the week in the afternoon and just knew something was up. He spends one night a week out of town for our business, so after he got back, I was able to check the messages.

 

The woman texted him the other day to say “I can’t see you on Friday. Sorry.” He replied “Another time then”. I see the time stamps on messages and no reply from her. In the evening, he texts her again saying “What are you doing?” She replies quickly and says she’ll talk to him later and explain. He messages back saying “I’m in the city, in a beautiful suite all by myself” and “Imagine if you were here...” I get no such texts. I barely hear from him when he’s out of town. At this point my heart is dropping, but it gets much worse.

 

She replies later saying she’s starting a business out of town and that changed her schedule on Friday. She replies with another dirty text and they start sexting. There is a lot of back and forth, and I’m reading all of this with tears in my eyes. At one point he says things like “I want to see that beautiful face” and “Your mouth is mine, I own it” and she says “You own all of me, you always have”. She says she loves being dirty with him and he says “But you’re only like that with me” and “I love that about you”. He acts very possessive toward her. This is so different from his sexting with other women I’ve seen before. This is why I’ve been so bothered by this. She talks about how he’s only the second person she’s been with and he seems enthralled by that. I can’t imagine what he’s like with her in person, if via text he’s already this possessive.

 

She says she has to go bed and asks when should they really do “all of this”. He answers Friday and she says she has to leave early that day and would Monday work for him. He says yes and she sends him her address. So he was trying to get her to see him on Friday all along, trying to turn her on so she’d see him. I didn’t want to believe LivingWater’s message about how interested he was, but there’s no denying it now. It is, as she said, in my best interest to see this objectively, which is so hard for me and why I like this forum so much.

 

I did see an attorney once, back in 2010. He said he couldn’t help me unless I was serious about divorce, but we did go over how the business part would function should I go down that road, which only confirmed my suspicion that it would be a nightmare. What keeps going through my head is how can he be so possessive of her when he hasn’t even seen her in 6 years, and what does it mean that it takes one word from her and he acts as if time hasn’t passed. I don’t want to see him. I’ve been in the office the whole time since, only coming out to be with the kids when they need me, because just the thought of him triggers a kind of anger and hopelessness I can’t explain. I’m starting to think that he really does have a bond with this woman that nothing seems to break. And if they do see each other on Monday, it will only deepen.

[Mr. Lucky]

At this point, you’re only shopping for more pain by continuing to read his messages. You know everything you need to know, so why continue the unhealthy fixation on their relationship?

 

Since it seems you’ll never leave, why not discuss transparently allowing him to open the marriage? At least you’d then both be on the same page...

 

Mr. Lucky

[edith]

Because I need to know if he has feelings for her. I will not stay regardless - I will not stay if he wants more than sex from her. I’m slowly coming to the realization that this might be serious for him and he’s emotionally involved, but that’s not a given. I’ve only had certain clues that he’s involved but I don’t want to break up my marriage over a woman who’s just sex.

[stillafool]

Edith we've known your husband is in love with this woman and would leave you tomorrow if he could have her for himself. I'm glad that you are finally seeing that his feelings for her are real and more than just sex. He more than likely thinks she's his soulmate. Again, none of this matters because you aren't going to leave. Why do you continue to hurt yourself by snooping. You need to develop a blind eye.

[elaine567]

Since it seems you’ll never leave, why not discuss transparently allowing him to open the marriage? At least you’d then both be on the same page...

 

She doesn't want to do that, she is scared to let him know she knows about his infidelity, in case he leaves. She has already said that previously.

 

"Now I know that you know about my other women, there is no reason for me to stay..."

 

Open marriages are rarely the answer to actual problems within a marriage. Cheaters may want the "freedom", but most tend to want a chaste wife at home... sneaking about in secrecy also adds to the excitement...

[notbroken]

The only thing that is really preventing you from divorcing him is fear. Everything else is only an excuse. This is not good or healthy for you, your husband, or anyone else. Divorce him or accept he is the snake that he is and live with it (likely miserably).

[vla1120]

OP, my heart goes out to you. Your husband has gotten away with this for so long, and I believe it has slowly chipped away at your self-worth. It is no wonder you sought attention elsewhere. You needed some confirmation that you were a desirable woman because your husband has not made you feel that way (at least not exclusively.)

 

I know breaking up your business will be hard and I know you said you do not want to divorce your husband, but I don't see how you can continue this way and keep your sanity.

 

#1 - You need ALL you need to know. Do not torture yourself any more by reading his messages (except to take screenshots and make copies of EVERYTHING for evidence against him. Be sure to put them in a safe place and/or store them in the cloud so he cannot dispose of them when/if you confront him.)

 

#2 - Don't worry about hurting your children with a divorce. I can only imagine they can sense the relationship is already broken. Having a happy mom who is able to move forward with her life will mean more to them than staying in a dysfunctional household.

 

#3 - I've known two women who stayed with cheating husbands because they liked living their wealthy lifestyle and were willing to overlook their husbands' infidelities because of that. Their children were in private schools, they were driving the cars they wanted, and they thought were the envy of all their friends. BUT, they really were NOT the envy of all their friends because we all knew the truth. Neither of them had the means to support themselves. Sadly, once their looks started to fade from age, they were replaced with younger versions of themselves. You are not in that position if you own half of that company. Accept that it will be painful to split the company and just get a very good (bulldog) lawyer who will make sure YOU get your fair share!

 

#3 - Seek some individual counseling for yourself so that when this is over, you can move forward with the confidence and self-assurance that he has shredded over the years.

 

Then, go find some happiness for yourself. Become your own best friend - the only one you'll ever need.

[Amethyst68]

Edith, how do you think your husband feels about you? Has he even noticed you've been avoiding him? Has he asked about the changes in your behaviour? Are you anything more than wallpaper to him? I'm not asking to be cruel but trying to get you to 'see' him.

[Mr. Lucky]

Open marriages are rarely the answer to actual problems within a marriage. Cheaters may want the "freedom", but most tend to want a chaste wife at home... sneaking about in secrecy also adds to the excitement...

 

Didn’t mean it’d be open for her. It would be a strange arrangement, but the whole thing is already off the rails...

 

Mr. Lucky

[edith]

How does he feel about me? I wouldn’t know. He must know I know, because he doesn’t say a word when I act distant. He is very present with the kids but our communication is comprised of business only, and the kids. I don’t have any intention of letting him know we have an open marriage, if I choose to divorce him, I’ll catch him by surprise. He will never suspect it until it’s time to serve him with divorce papers.

 

I cannot describe the severity of my heartache - the more I remember their messages, the more I start seeing that this one affair is a threat to my marriage - in one of the messages, he told her “I love that you will do anything I want” and she says “All you have to do is ask. You know that.” There were many times when he wrote “I love” - not “I love you”, but he was listing all the things he loves “about” her. No one would ever guess that they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, you’d think they’ve been together all of this time. I still resist that he’s “in love” with her, though - wouldn’t he have said so by now? I know I’m digging my heels in, but I don’t know if I can take his emotional involvement.

 

I’m sorry if I didn’t answer all questions - I’m trying to write in the middle of work and trying to get the kids to do their homework, and he’s in his office.

 

I pray every night that he won’t fall in love with her.

[BaileyB]

I don’t actually believe that they haven’t seen each other in six years. People who haven’t seen each other in six years don’t send texts like those...

 

You really have to ask yourself what he is doing when he is “out of town” one night every week.

 

And, I think you fool yourself if he doesn’t suspect that you know. He would have to be a fool not to suspect that he will never get caught, or that you don’t already know and have accepted the situation.

[edith]

I thought the same at first, that there’s no way they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, but both have mentioned multiple times that it’s been 6 years since they’ve seen each other. They weren’t trying to hide anything. So the question remains - if two people talk to each other with that level of intimacy, and haven’t seen each other in years, what does that say about their “relationship “?

[BaileyB]

So the question remains - if two people talk to each other with that level of intimacy, and haven’t seen each other in years, what does that say about their “relationship “?

 

edith, it’s like your house is on fire and you are standing outside yelling... “Is the whole house on fire, or just the kitchen?” What does it matter - your house is on fire!!

 

What does it say about their relationship? What does it matter - what does this say about your “marriage?” It’s not good news... Happily married men don’t have sexual affairs with multiple women and they most certainly don’t send these kind of texts to any woman other than their wife.

 

I’m sorry, but nobody can give you any kind of reassurance here.

Edited October 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[edith]

The only kind of reassurance I’m looking for is that he does have feelings for her, because that might convince me to act.

[BaileyB]

The only kind of reassurance I’m looking for is that he does have feelings for her, because that might convince me to act.

 

Isn’t that what people have been saying in this discussion, and in your previous post?

[vla1120]

Edith, why don’t you think enough of yourself not to CARE whether he has feelings for her? He keeps exposing you to the possible STD’s that his multiple partners might be carrying. It’s not about whether or not he has feelings for HER, it’s about the fact that he doesn’t care enough about YOU nor does he have enough respect for you not to stray and expose you to who knows what diseases!

[Amethyst68]

Why isn't it enough that by your own admission he doesn't seem to have feelings for you? Isn't that motivation to at least separate when you know he's actively cheating?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I’m starting to think that he really does have a bond with this woman that nothing seems to break. And if they do see each other on Monday, it will only deepen.

 

I'm so sorry, edith. I do want to say, though, that even though there is a very strong bond between them it's not a healthy bond, that much is certain. It's not good. It's perverse. It's nothing to build anything good on for the long term. Rather it's a kind of sickness.

 

There is a possibility I think you may not have thought of.

 

I believe his bond with you may very well be hidden deep within him and is a deeper truer bond. But, I doubt both of you will ever discover that as long as you're with him.

 

I don't know this to be sure, but I'd bet on it if I had to bet one way or the other.

 

Please don't ever leave him to prompt the following to happen. But I believe it's very possible if you were to leave him without expressing much passion to him, but just quietly and with dignity leave him, you both may discover he has a dependency on you and a bond with you that will surprise you both.

 

It very well may rock his world.

 

I can't guarantee it, and I would never suggest you leave him to provoke him. But, I do believe he has no idea how much you mean to him.

 

When you leave him, it should be for your own dignity and emotional health, and that of your children. When you leave him, edith, you won't be losing anything. You will be gaining everything that will help you build a secure future.

 

There may come a point after you've left when he'll realize your importance to him and do anything to get you back. If that happens, please have a good counselor you've been seeing to help you navigate through the decision.

[pepperbird]

OP,

The above poster could be very right that if you left, his world would crumble. He may well come back, tail between his legs. The problem is, to me, he sounds like he has an extremely low level of emotional maturity. He's be like a little boy who has a toy he no longer plays with. As soon as someone else wants it or mommy takes it away, he throws a temper tantrum, wanting it back. He gets it back and quickly puts it aside for "new and shiny".

 

 

That is no way for you to have to live.

[Amethyst68]

Why don't you bring up an alternative commitment for Monday? Or just turn up when you know he's going to be leaving to see her. You don't have to be so passive about it!

[BaileyB]

I agree pepperbird, IF he was ever caught and came home with his tail between his legs... I personally could not trust that any attempt at reconciliation would be honest or sincere. Why do I say that - he has carried on multiple affairs, for YEARS, with no remorse or consideration for his family.

 

IF he ever decided that he wanted the marriage and discovered that it meant more to him than he knew - it would be much too little too late for me. I would never trust a word that he said again and as pepperbird said, that is no way to live your life...

 

Besides, I think it’s far more likely that he would leave to pursue other options if he was ever caught and life became more difficult at home.

Edited October 4, 2019 by BaileyB

[edith]

The woman cancelled on my husband 2 hours before they were supposed to meet on Monday morning. She texted “Please don’t come over today. I’ve changed my mind.” All he did was reply “Ok”, so I thought I was in the clear.

 

Then this morning he reached out to her, saying “What happened?” She replied right away, saying “What do you think happened, Jack? Do you have any idea how guilty I feel just talking to you? Half of me wants to see you more than anything, but the other half knows I shouldn’t. I know this is easy for you, and I wish I could be like you, but maybe I just need time to work up some courage.” This is as close as I can remember.

 

He immediately replied “ I understand. It’s not easy for me either.” This is pretty laughable. He’s a serial cheater and actually wants her to believe this is out of the ordinary for him. She goes on to say a few more things, about them meeting and how she’s wanted to be with him every day for 12 years, but that maybe they need to only talk first because she feels braver that way, then she’ll work up to seeing him in person.

 

He agreed and continued the conversation, saying “You make me so f****^g horny, though”, and off they go to start talking dirty again. At first he’s being as emotional as she is, then he starts the sex talk again, which reminds me of LivingWater’s assessment that her emotional response causes him to want her. He starts telling her he owns her and how much he loves that.

 

I don’t know how long they’ll keep this up for, but I’m somewhat relieved that she doesn’t seem to want to see him. On the other hand, I know that if they do meet, it might catapult their involvement to the next level. And that’s an insecure position for me. It helps me to come here and write this out, it helps me to process it.

 

I’m heartbroken that he doesn’t want her to think he’s a serial cheater, as if he can be trustworthy. To me, this indicates more than sex. And I’m sure that she’s planning all of it like this to ratchet up the tension before they finally meet. And he’s falling for it.

[Starswillshine]

I know you don't want it, but edith, you need to make a move before this kills every single bit of you.

 

Pull all the evidence you can find. File for divorce. And send this woman some proof that he is a serial cheat.

 

Then move the hell on. I promise, you won't regret it. One day you will wake up happier and feeling like you can accomplish anything. I was once in your shoes. I wanted to save my marriage. I wanted to believe it was just a fling, or just sex, but eventually, none of that matter. He disrespected me. He disrespected our kids. He put our entire world, all that we have built together, at risk. That was not true love. I was devastated. I wanted to end my life. I had zero idea how I was going to do this single. I was a SAHM for 20 years. I did not have a degree. But I divorced, and I'm freaking killing it. I am now dating a man who is amazing... and is paying for every bit that my xWH did, but he is determined to show me and prove to me that there are good honest men out there.

 

Edith, trust me... you will be able to do this. It is your ONLY way to true happiness, and the way you talk, maybe the first time you actually felt true happiness.

[seren]

My late friend had an affair for 15 years with the same MM. he made all sorts of promises, said his wife was dying, then he couldnt leave as he had young grand children they so called plan was that when he and she retired they would buy a house together. For all that time she planned for their retirement, they had an open relationship with friends and her family, we all believed he was staying to care for his wife. He was her guest at her daughter’s wedding, they went on holidays together. Then he dropped out of her life as though he hadn’t existed.

 

I met him and his so called sick wife, she was lovely, not sick and they behaved as though they were still in love. They had a cruise planned for his retirement, all the while my friend made plans to sell up and be with him. 15 years of her life wasted believing his lies, the sad end to this, she took her own life. I had her come stay with me when she found out, it was like a light had been put out. I outed him to his wife on the day after her funeral, he couldn’t even be bothered to show up for that. We all believed his sick story, we even fund raised for charity in his wife’s name.

 

Affairs are toxic, someone is always hurt, there is only one person that ever really knows what it means or what lies they feed both the AP and the BS.