BaileyB Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) So the question remains - if two people talk to each other with that level of intimacy, and haven’t seen each other in years, what does that say about their “relationship “? edith, it’s like your house is on fire and you are standing outside yelling... “Is the whole house on fire, or just the kitchen?” What does it matter - your house is on fire!! What does it say about their relationship? What does it matter - what does this say about your “marriage?” It’s not good news... Happily married men don’t have sexual affairs with multiple women and they most certainly don’t send these kind of texts to any woman other than their wife. I’m sorry, but nobody can give you any kind of reassurance here. Edited October 3, 2019 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 The only kind of reassurance I’m looking for is that he does have feelings for her, because that might convince me to act. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 The only kind of reassurance I’m looking for is that he does have feelings for her, because that might convince me to act. Isn’t that what people have been saying in this discussion, and in your previous post? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 Edith, why don’t you think enough of yourself not to CARE whether he has feelings for her? He keeps exposing you to the possible STD’s that his multiple partners might be carrying. It’s not about whether or not he has feelings for HER, it’s about the fact that he doesn’t care enough about YOU nor does he have enough respect for you not to stray and expose you to who knows what diseases! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 Why isn't it enough that by your own admission he doesn't seem to have feelings for you? Isn't that motivation to at least separate when you know he's actively cheating? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 I’m starting to think that he really does have a bond with this woman that nothing seems to break. And if they do see each other on Monday, it will only deepen. I'm so sorry, edith. I do want to say, though, that even though there is a very strong bond between them it's not a healthy bond, that much is certain. It's not good. It's perverse. It's nothing to build anything good on for the long term. Rather it's a kind of sickness. There is a possibility I think you may not have thought of. I believe his bond with you may very well be hidden deep within him and is a deeper truer bond. But, I doubt both of you will ever discover that as long as you're with him. I don't know this to be sure, but I'd bet on it if I had to bet one way or the other. Please don't ever leave him to prompt the following to happen. But I believe it's very possible if you were to leave him without expressing much passion to him, but just quietly and with dignity leave him, you both may discover he has a dependency on you and a bond with you that will surprise you both. It very well may rock his world. I can't guarantee it, and I would never suggest you leave him to provoke him. But, I do believe he has no idea how much you mean to him. When you leave him, it should be for your own dignity and emotional health, and that of your children. When you leave him, edith, you won't be losing anything. You will be gaining everything that will help you build a secure future. There may come a point after you've left when he'll realize your importance to him and do anything to get you back. If that happens, please have a good counselor you've been seeing to help you navigate through the decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 OP, The above poster could be very right that if you left, his world would crumble. He may well come back, tail between his legs. The problem is, to me, he sounds like he has an extremely low level of emotional maturity. He's be like a little boy who has a toy he no longer plays with. As soon as someone else wants it or mommy takes it away, he throws a temper tantrum, wanting it back. He gets it back and quickly puts it aside for "new and shiny". That is no way for you to have to live. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 Why don't you bring up an alternative commitment for Monday? Or just turn up when you know he's going to be leaving to see her. You don't have to be so passive about it! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 (edited) I agree pepperbird, IF he was ever caught and came home with his tail between his legs... I personally could not trust that any attempt at reconciliation would be honest or sincere. Why do I say that - he has carried on multiple affairs, for YEARS, with no remorse or consideration for his family. IF he ever decided that he wanted the marriage and discovered that it meant more to him than he knew - it would be much too little too late for me. I would never trust a word that he said again and as pepperbird said, that is no way to live your life... Besides, I think it’s far more likely that he would leave to pursue other options if he was ever caught and life became more difficult at home. Edited October 4, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted October 8, 2019 Author Share Posted October 8, 2019 The woman cancelled on my husband 2 hours before they were supposed to meet on Monday morning. She texted “Please don’t come over today. I’ve changed my mind.” All he did was reply “Ok”, so I thought I was in the clear. Then this morning he reached out to her, saying “What happened?” She replied right away, saying “What do you think happened, Jack? Do you have any idea how guilty I feel just talking to you? Half of me wants to see you more than anything, but the other half knows I shouldn’t. I know this is easy for you, and I wish I could be like you, but maybe I just need time to work up some courage.” This is as close as I can remember. He immediately replied “ I understand. It’s not easy for me either.” This is pretty laughable. He’s a serial cheater and actually wants her to believe this is out of the ordinary for him. She goes on to say a few more things, about them meeting and how she’s wanted to be with him every day for 12 years, but that maybe they need to only talk first because she feels braver that way, then she’ll work up to seeing him in person. He agreed and continued the conversation, saying “You make me so f****^g horny, though”, and off they go to start talking dirty again. At first he’s being as emotional as she is, then he starts the sex talk again, which reminds me of LivingWater’s assessment that her emotional response causes him to want her. He starts telling her he owns her and how much he loves that. I don’t know how long they’ll keep this up for, but I’m somewhat relieved that she doesn’t seem to want to see him. On the other hand, I know that if they do meet, it might catapult their involvement to the next level. And that’s an insecure position for me. It helps me to come here and write this out, it helps me to process it. I’m heartbroken that he doesn’t want her to think he’s a serial cheater, as if he can be trustworthy. To me, this indicates more than sex. And I’m sure that she’s planning all of it like this to ratchet up the tension before they finally meet. And he’s falling for it. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Ya... why YOU would stay with that is awful. I can’t understand why you don’t do something to get away from his cheating a$$. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 I know you don't want it, but edith, you need to make a move before this kills every single bit of you. Pull all the evidence you can find. File for divorce. And send this woman some proof that he is a serial cheat. Then move the hell on. I promise, you won't regret it. One day you will wake up happier and feeling like you can accomplish anything. I was once in your shoes. I wanted to save my marriage. I wanted to believe it was just a fling, or just sex, but eventually, none of that matter. He disrespected me. He disrespected our kids. He put our entire world, all that we have built together, at risk. That was not true love. I was devastated. I wanted to end my life. I had zero idea how I was going to do this single. I was a SAHM for 20 years. I did not have a degree. But I divorced, and I'm freaking killing it. I am now dating a man who is amazing... and is paying for every bit that my xWH did, but he is determined to show me and prove to me that there are good honest men out there. Edith, trust me... you will be able to do this. It is your ONLY way to true happiness, and the way you talk, maybe the first time you actually felt true happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 My late friend had an affair for 15 years with the same MM. he made all sorts of promises, said his wife was dying, then he couldnt leave as he had young grand children they so called plan was that when he and she retired they would buy a house together. For all that time she planned for their retirement, they had an open relationship with friends and her family, we all believed he was staying to care for his wife. He was her guest at her daughter’s wedding, they went on holidays together. Then he dropped out of her life as though he hadn’t existed. I met him and his so called sick wife, she was lovely, not sick and they behaved as though they were still in love. They had a cruise planned for his retirement, all the while my friend made plans to sell up and be with him. 15 years of her life wasted believing his lies, the sad end to this, she took her own life. I had her come stay with me when she found out, it was like a light had been put out. I outed him to his wife on the day after her funeral, he couldn’t even be bothered to show up for that. We all believed his sick story, we even fund raised for charity in his wife’s name. Affairs are toxic, someone is always hurt, there is only one person that ever really knows what it means or what lies they feed both the AP and the BS. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 I can’t understand why you don’t do something to get away from his cheating a$$. Bottom line. She doesn't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 It helps me to come here and write this out, it helps me to process it. Edith, if all you’re wanting here is a place to write then I hope it helps. If you’re wanting input from others, please let us know what it is you want, because many people have responded to you but it seems no one is giving you what you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 All I want to know is whether he sounds emotionally involved with her - that’s what drives my desire to divorce him or not. I have these clues from their conversations and no one comments on those, so I guess you’re right that no one is commenting on what I want. But it does help to write it out and process it. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 All I want to know is whether he sounds emotionally involved with her - that’s what drives my desire to divorce him or not. I have these clues from their conversations and no one comments on those, so I guess you’re right that no one is commenting on what I want. But it does help to write it out and process it. YES! He is emotionally, physically, consciously, sexually, metaphysically, and in every other "ly" way, involved with her. There's your answer, but I don't think you will act upon it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 All I want to know is whether he sounds emotionally involved with her - that’s what drives my desire to divorce him or not. I have these clues from their conversations and no one comments on those, so I guess you’re right that no one is commenting on what I want. But it does help to write it out and process it. I only read this thread over the last couple of days, but speaking as a guy, it was pretty clear to me by your December postings that your husband absolutely is emotionally involved with her. There's this misconception that guys cheating is all about sex. I'm not saying your husband isn't interested in sex and that there's not a sense of him wanting what he can't really have (the other woman). But believe me that a man generally doesn't carry on like this for years without there being some emotional investment. By your own admission, he's a great looking guy and it sounds like he's had no trouble finding women to physically engage him during your marriage. Why else but an emotional investment would he stay connected to this woman for a decade? I'm sorry, but you're deluding yourself and I agree with others that you should either stop snooping or finally take action. This fence-sitting is slowly graying out your soul. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) All I want to know is whether he sounds emotionally involved with her - that’s what drives my desire to divorce him or not. I have these clues from their conversations and no one comments on those, so I guess you’re right that no one is commenting on what I want. What words specifically do you want to hear? I ask because people have said in as many words, time and again, he is emotionally involved with this woman and that you should divorce him. You seem content to want to analyze their conversations - something that to us seems a rather pointless endeavour when you have OVERWHELMING evidence indicating that his man has lied to you, betrayed you and your children, and broken his marital vows. The simple fact is, it is rather useless for us to analyze his conversations with this woman - all second hand knowledge to you - because we are not the two people in question. We can not, and do not, know any more what they are thinking than you do. To be blunt, trying to analyze their conversations and suss out what are thinking/planning and then using that as your barometer to know when to file for divorce is not a wise idea. You may as well try to nail jello to a tree. We are all saying, a much better barometer would be to assess his commitment to you and his children - is he behaving in a way that supports, protects, and honours his family? Is he treating his wife and children in a loving and respectful way? If he is not, then you file for divorce. Edited October 9, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 I have these clues from their conversations and no one comments on those. OK, if you’re wanting it in that format: Then this morning he reached out to her, saying “What happened?” She replied right away, <snip> He immediately replied... <snip> He starts telling her he owns her and how much he loves that. He’s invested. He cares - she blows him off and he follows up. She responds immediately, as does he. And then... he asserts possessiveness, and tells her how much that means to him. He’s invested. He’s emotionally involved. He cares. This isn’t just a fling. His identity is deployed here. Being a husband and father? Notsomuch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted October 16, 2019 Author Share Posted October 16, 2019 Well, if all of that is true, then help me understand the latest. Last Wednesday, the day after the interactions on my last post, they texted a bit in the morning. On Friday night, when apparently she’s at her beach house with her husband, who lives there - they live separately a few months out of the year, according to the messages-, she texted my husband something like “Thinking of you tonight... I can’t talk but just wanted you to know.” I can see when he read it and he read it that night. He didn’t reply. I’ve been checking every day and no communication between them, and it’s Wednesday already. I can’t help but wonder if he’s dropping her again. I can’t help but wonder if this time, it will end. As soon as I become hopeful that he doesn’t want her anymore, I recall his reaction when she said she “knew this was easy for him”. He made it a point to tell her that he understood her doubt and that it wasn’t easy for him either. I keep wondering if he’s trying to make her think he’s having doubts as well. He is not like this with other women he’s sleeping with - there’s no “game”. He sleeps with them, talks about sex, sets up “meetings”, and that’s it. With this one, he goes to great lengths to establish the push-pull and manipulate. So how involved can he really be? I really can’t wrap my head around any of this. I’m just so hopeful that now, it’s over. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 She is a challenge for him. It's not over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Ever considered he has another phone? Seems incredible that a man who has been cheating this long is so easily snooped upon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 I can’t help but wonder if he’s dropping her again. He’s never dropped her. I’m not sure why you think that - they have been in contact, and continue to be in contact, for years. I can’t help but wonder if this time, it will end. I’m just so hopeful that now, it’s over. I wouldn’t bet the farm. It really doesn’t matter to you how many women he sleeps with, you remain focused on this one woman. I can appreciate that this is the way that you cope with the infidelity in your marriage, your denial allowing you to stay in the marriage. It’s just feels like you are not seeing the forest for the trees... And yes, it a little hard to imagine how you have unfettered access to his every communication and he hasn’t figure out yet that his conversations are not private/does not protect his communications better. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Well, if all of that is true, then help me understand the latest. Do you not listen to anything that is written in this thread? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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