I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[Artdeco]

This is a really good idea, Piddy. Because nothing else has worked for her, and nobody’s advice on here has been really taken into consideration. 

[Piddy]

3 hours ago, Artdeco said:

This is a really good idea, Piddy. Because nothing else has worked for her, and nobody’s advice on here has been really taken into consideration. 

 

I remember several years ago when the Prime Minister of France had died his mistress was there front and center along with the wife at the funeral.  In Edith's case she seems to not care that he is cheating as long as he doesn't leave her. 

 

So if she's not going to leave him, then why not have an agreement with her husband on his infidelity?  Everyone is different, but cheating is a fatal character flaw in a relationship in my book.   

Edited December 18, 2019 by Piddy

[elaine567]

She is scared that if she confronts him, he will leave her.
This has worked almost from day one. She has turned a blind eye to his cheating.
Does he know what she has done? I don't know.
She can't risk upsetting him as she is not prepared to leave or have him leave her and her children.

[vla1120]

15 hours ago, elaine567 said:

She is scared that if she confronts him, he will leave her.
This has worked almost from day one. She has turned a blind eye to his cheating.
Does he know what she has done? I don't know.
She can't risk upsetting him as she is not prepared to leave or have him leave her and her children.

This makes sense, but I feel like Edith is pulling her hair out, stressing over this situation. She wants an answer that she's afraid to hear. She thinks the issue will resolve itself when the OW moves away 7 months from now, but will it be over, or will she continue to live with the worry that her life will tumble down around her?

 

Edith, I think Piddy has given the best advice for YOU. Maybe you should just tell your husband you are fine with his infidelity, as long as there is no danger of him ever leaving you. 

[stillafool]

On 12/16/2019 at 1:32 PM, edith said:

I understand. My approach isn’t mainstream but I really think if I can weather this storm, I can save my family. Do you guys really think if I confront him and he can no longer pursue her, he will end up leaving me? All I want to know is if he’s in love with her, because that would make me act. But at the same time, I keep thinking that if he does see her in January, at a hotel for 2 days like they’re planning, he might fall for her then. 

My gawd, if you keep waiting the kids will be grown and out of the house.  Then it will just be you, your snooping devices and the 4 walls you're between.  Everyone else will be gone.  That will be a lonely life.  How old are your kids now?

Edited December 20, 2019 by stillafool

[stillafool]

On 12/19/2019 at 10:05 AM, vla1120 said:

This makes sense, but I feel like Edith is pulling her hair out, stressing over this situation. She wants an answer that she's afraid to hear. She thinks the issue will resolve itself when the OW moves away 7 months from now, but will it be over, or will she continue to live with the worry that her life will tumble down around her?

 

 

He will just replace her with a spanking brand new OW when she does all while still keeping in touch with this one.  

[edith]

My kids are 12 (Almost 13) and 11.

 

You guys don’t seem to understand that I don’t care about a new OW. Unless he develops feelings for that one. This OW is the only one he’s been with for 11 years, the same age as her kid and our youngest.

 

at this point, I don’t even know how he feels about her. They haven’t talked since last week. That comforts me. I guess I will know if he’s in love with her if they actually meet up in January and if he can’t /won’t let her go then.

[2BGoodAgain]

1 minute ago, edith said:

My kids are 12 (Almost 13) and 11.

 

You guys don’t seem to understand that I don’t care about a new OW. Unless he develops feelings for that one. This OW is the only one he’s been with for 11 years, the same age as her kid and our youngest.

 

at this point, I don’t even know how he feels about her. They haven’t talked since last week. That comforts me. I guess I will know if he’s in love with her if they actually meet up in January and if he can’t /won’t let her go then.

 

hmm.. . you know...

 

it doesn't matter if he's in love with her, or not... it doesn't matter what he thinks...

 

what you should be focusing on is... YOU. What do YOU feel about this? What will YOU do about this? Honestly, as much as you're thinking about the kids and their ages, that is ultimately just an excuse to excuse his behavior.

 

DO you want to stay married with him? IF you do, are you going to accept this behavior or are you going to fight for your own dignity and the health of your kids.

 

how you react to him is going to affect your kids... b/c you think you're saving them, but in reality, you're prob gonna do more long term harm to them and their future relationships... 

 

do what is RIGHT for you... 

[vla1120]

Edith, can I ask you a question? What if he does love her? Knowing what you know about him, do you believe he would leave you for her? What if he loves her, but would still stay with you? This has been going on for years and he's given no indication that he would leave you for her. 

 

Clearly you do have an unorthodox view on this topic, considering most women out here have said they do not share your views about being okay with your husband's infidelity, as long as he does not develop feelings for his OW. Your original question has always been "Do you think he has feelings for her?" Maybe your question should be "Will he leave me if he loves her?" He's got the best of both worlds - he can step out of his marriage and keep his family intact. Why would he jeopardize that? I think, regardless of his feelings, he's going to stay with you because he'll be hard pressed to find another woman who would be as accommodating as you are to save your family.

 

There are cultures where this is normal behavior and men are not expected to be monogamous. If you are okay with this unspoken agreement, then I would let sleeping dogs lie. Wait and see what he does in January and go from there.

 

As I have stated previously, my concern would be what kind of example you are setting for your children. If they say a loving, mutually respectful marriage (at least on the outside), then maybe they will be okay. My daughters were not, but we did not do a good job of pretending to be respectful, supportive, and loving to one another.  

[Watercolors]

51 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

DO you want to stay married with him?

 

I recall the poster edith stating in this thread and her other previous affair-related threads somewhere, that she stays in this marriage for the financial security and lifestyle her husband provides for her and her two children. So, money, vacations, a nice house and car, nice clothes, nice school for her children I think is why edith stays in this marriage. I think she eluded to co-owning a company with her husband too, and that a divorce would break up the company and ruin her financially. 

 

[edith]

I find it very interesting how some posters’ gender biases influence their posts. My husband does not “provide” me with a lifestyle. I started the business and he joined me after he lost his corporate job. And we’re only upper middle class, so the ridiculous assumption that I stay for “vacations” and whatever else comes only from the warped, money-envying mind of the last poster.

 

Yes, it does matter if he loves her. I can’t keep hurting myself like this if I know he has feelings for her. He doesn’t get to stay in my life if he loves someone else, even if he wants to. Because if he loves someone else, he clearly doesn’t love me. I can conceive of his having sex with someone else but only loving me, but having feelings for another woman is too much. At the same time, I am confused as to whether this one is really just sex - it’s been happening for so long.

[Piddy]

8 minutes ago, edith said:

I find it very interesting how some posters’ gender biases influence their posts. My husband does not “provide” me with a lifestyle. I started the business and he joined me after he lost his corporate job. And we’re only upper middle class, so the ridiculous assumption that I stay for “vacations” and whatever else comes only from the warped, money-envying mind of the last poster.

 

Yes, it does matter if he loves her. I can’t keep hurting myself like this if I know he has feelings for her. He doesn’t get to stay in my life if he loves someone else, even if he wants to. Because if he loves someone else, he clearly doesn’t love me. I can conceive of his having sex with someone else but only loving me, but having feelings for another woman is too much. At the same time, I am confused as to whether this one is really just sex - it’s been happening for so long.

 

I don't see the difference if he loves her or not. 🤔  The issue is whether he would leave you or not.  How would you know if he loved her?  Catch him saying it behind his back?  What if he's just telling her that and doesn't mean it?  How would you know the difference? 

 

You seem you revel in all this drama.   Just tell him you're OK with him banging this women as long as he promises to not leave you.  Then everyone moves on with their lives.  No more drama..............

Edited December 20, 2019 by Piddy

[2BGoodAgain]

1 minute ago, Piddy said:

 

I don't see the difference if he loves her or not. 🤔  The issue is whether he would leave you or not.  How would you know if he loved her?  Catch him saying it behind his back?  What if he's just telling her that and doesn't mean it?  How would you know the difference? 

 

You seem you revel in all this drama.   Just tell him you're OK with him banging this women as long as he promises to not leave you.  Then everyone moves on with their lives.  No more drama..............

 

be nicer... haha....

 

sometimes, guys and girls, need something repeatedly repeatedly bashed into their brains before they hear what everyone is telling them.

 

it's called denial. i think. wait, am i in denial???

[edith]

I wasn’t referring to you, 2BGood, your posts have been spot on and very helpful. Watercolors was the one making far-reaching assumptions and insinuating I’m staying for money, which I am not.

 

i can’t conceive of a husband who loves someone else. I want someone who loves only me.

Edited December 20, 2019 by edith

[edith]

Forgot to add - I can know if he loves her by the facts. Do men chase the same woman for 11 years because of good head, which has only happened between them 6 times in 11years? They’ve never even had intercourse because from what I’ve read , she refuses to do it.

 

At the same time, it has never progressed in all of this time. So he could just want sex.

Edited December 20, 2019 by edith

[Piddy]

1 minute ago, edith said:

I wasn’t referring to you, 2BGood, your posts have been spot on and very helpful. Watercolors was the one making far-reaching assumptions and insinuating I’m staying for money, which I am not.

 

i can’t conceive of a husband who loves someone else. I want someone who loves only me.

 

edith,  you are in denial.  He doesn't love you.  If he truly loved you, he would never cheat on you, because a person who loves someone would never want to hurt them by cheating.

[Piddy]

20 minutes ago, edith said:

Forgot to add - I can know if he loves her by the facts. Do men chase the same woman for 11 years because of good head, which has only happened between them 6 times in 11years? They’ve never even had intercourse because from what I’ve read , she refuses to do it.

 

At the same time, it has never progressed in all of this time. So he could just want sex.

 

Do you and your husband have good sex?  Do you give your husband good head?  Are you and your husband sexually compatible?  If a wife is unwilling to perform a sex act with her husband that he likes he may look elsewhere. 

 

If he's only gotten blown by her 6 times in 11 years and they never f***ed then it ain't about the sex.  Also, blowjobs are sex.  None of this makes any sense to me.  🙃   I can't imagine waiting 11 years to bang someone.  If it were just about sex I would think he could find someone else to screw in less than 11 years. 😉

Edited December 20, 2019 by Piddy

[K.K.]

Quote

My husband has been cheating with the same woman for over a decade is this serious? 

 

Forgive me, I haven’t read the thread but it keeps popping up at the top of the timeline and lemme tell you .. I’ve really struggled not to answer this but ocd is making my eyes twitch so I think once I say this, I’ll be able to go on. ... 

 

Your husband has been screwing someone else for over a decade. 10 years of screwing someone else.  

 

I’d say WHY YES THIS IS MOST SERIOUS. 

 

WHEW! 

 

Lord forgive me... 🥴

[edith]

I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either. They used to work together, she came on to him online after she left the company, it took them 1.5 years to have oral sex for the first time, they spent that time talking on and off because she acted as if she didn’t want to cheat on her husband- she said she was a virgin when she got married and she’s never wanted to cheat until she met my husband.

 

thats when I find the emails. Over 500 of them. They had sex twice more that year, then he starts offering her jobs working for him at least once a year, she refused them all. They met again for sex 3 more times a couple of years later. There have been THOUSANDS of messages I’ve found. They’ve broken up over a dozen times. Every time he goes back to her - and he cheats with countless other women - my heart drops.

 

We have sex a couple times a week but it’s hard for me when she’s in the picture. I do perform oral, but he seems mesmerized by whatever she does in his messages, which makes me not want to do it at all. He acts as if she’s his sexual soulmate and they’ve never had intercourse! It doesn’t make sense to me. That’s why I come here, to try to understand it.

[edith]

5 minutes ago, K.K. said:

 

Forgive me, I haven’t read the thread but it keeps popping up at the top of the timeline and lemme tell you .. I’ve really struggled not to answer this but ocd is making my eyes twitch so I think once I say this, I’ll be able to go on. ... 

 

Your husband has been screwing someone else for over a decade. 10 years of screwing someone else.  

 

I’d say WHY YES THIS IS MOST SERIOUS. 

 

WHEW! 

 

Lord forgive me... 🥴

He hasn’t even been screwing her. They’ve only had oral sex 6 times in 11 years. And he keeps looking for her.

[Piddy]

6 minutes ago, edith said:

I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either. They used to work together, she came on to him online after she left the company, it took them 1.5 years to have oral sex for the first time, they spent that time talking on and off because she acted as if she didn’t want to cheat on her husband- she said she was a virgin when she got married and she’s never wanted to cheat until she met my husband.

 

thats when I find the emails. Over 500 of them. They had sex twice more that year, then he starts offering her jobs working for him at least once a year, she refused them all. They met again for sex 3 more times a couple of years later. There have been THOUSANDS of messages I’ve found. They’ve broken up over a dozen times. Every time he goes back to her - and he cheats with countless other women - my heart drops.

 

We have sex a couple times a week but it’s hard for me when she’s in the picture. I do perform oral, but he seems mesmerized by whatever she does in his messages, which makes me not want to do it at all. He acts as if she’s his sexual soulmate and they’ve never had intercourse! It doesn’t make sense to me. That’s why I come here, to try to understand it.

 

So is he actually f***ing these 'countless other women?  That would bother me more than the 6 blowjobs in 11 years woman.  I don't think he loves the 6 blowjob woman.  It sounds like he's a persistent SOB and will never give up until he bangs her.  

 

Why don't you ask your husband what he would like you to do to him sexually?  Maybe he'll ask you to do what the 6 blowjob in 11 years woman does.  😎

[Timshel]

This whole thread and past thread isn't about her or your husband Edith.  This is all about you.  This is your life, you don't get a second go and this is not a dress rehearsal.

It's as though you are living in a virtual world where nothing is real, that you are not living but an observer of your own life.

 

I understand that you have dumped counseling and why;  all of this is your choice, your decision, your action, your world. 

There isn't anything that you can blame your husband for Edith; that ended when you knew he was unfaithful and a liar but you decided to stay. 

You picked this guy and you continue to pick him despite your therapists and ls's advice.

 

We do not know if your husband is in love with this woman, how could we?  You sleep next to him in bed every night and you don't know.

Like K.K. I don't post in your thread though I have read the entirety of this and the last one.

All of this is your choice Edith, I hope that you find courage to respect yourself and protect your children, you must be a wreck living with so much fear.

I wish you well, for what it's worth. 

Everything you need is already inside of you, it always has been.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, edith said:

Quote

I find it very interesting how some posters’ gender biases influence their posts. My husband does not “provide” me with a lifestyle. I started the business and he joined me after he lost his corporate job. And we’re only upper middle class, so the ridiculous assumption that I stay for “vacations” and whatever else comes only from the warped, money-envying mind of the last poster

Oh yeah, that's right you said he's really good looking.  

 

Yes, it does matter if he loves her. I can’t keep hurting myself like this if I know he has feelings for her. He doesn’t get to stay in my life if he loves someone else, even if he wants to. Because if he loves someone else, he clearly doesn’t love me. I can conceive of his having sex with someone else but only loving me, but having feelings for another woman is too much. At the same time, I am confused as to whether this one is really just sex - it’s been happening for so long.

Um, it is definitely you he is in love with if he has no feelings for the other women, and future other women he has sex with.  Keep telling yourself this Edith as I'm sure it's comforting to you.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, edith said:

My kids are 12 (Almost 13) and 11.

 

 

It won't be long Edith before they're gone.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, edith said:

We have sex a couple times a week but it’s hard for me when she’s in the picture. I do perform oral, but he seems mesmerized by whatever she does in his messages, which makes me not want to do it at all. He acts as if she’s his sexual soulmate and they’ve never had intercourse! It doesn’t make sense to me. That’s why I come here, to try to understand it.

She's got his mind and fulfills his emotions.  He'll never get over her.