I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[Christyb]

Edith. He’s not in love with her. It’s a game for them both. Obsession. And compulsion. It’s as addictive as a drug. Except the chemical involved is dopamine. Same chemical being manipulated by the social media companies who want to feed your need to see likes and comments. 
 

I have been involved in an 8 year situation like this. I am married. So is he. We’ve NEVER acted on it physically. Only recently did he confess his feeling of a “connection” to me. I felt it too. Is it love? No! It’s a bad case of needing an ego boost, variety, giving life the spark of excitement that is often lost in long term marriages. It’s totally ridiculous but it’s intoxicating. They both know it needs to end. But like drug addicts they return, looking for a dopamine rush when a new message pops up. 
 

I came on here because of guilt and shame and found your post. 
 

Your husband has his other flings...which I can’t speak to. I have a suspicion that if you were to kindly confront him...laugh at/with him about how ridiculous this is..he may have a wake up call. He can’t see what happening because he’s addicted to the rush of the chase. 

[Christyb]

Last thought. They’ll both continue to escalate their comments to

provoke reaction, reply and a greater feeling each time. Kind of like

drugs and alcohol. The more you do it the more you need. 
 

I have only recently realized the situation I found myself in (and contributed to no

matter how awful it is) and know it isn’t real...it’s a product of the instant gratification generation we live in. 
 

I bet your husband loves you and is drowning in this. I bet he can’t see straight his reality has been so clouded with his need to feed this addiction. I bet he has remorse if could only have a bit of withdrawal. 
 

but he can’t withdrawal. Its a secret that he lives Witt day in and day out. Not until it’s out in the open can he realize how stupid it is and move on with YOU. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Christyb said:

I bet your husband loves you and is drowning in this. 

This is one possible option. But, let’s not give edith false hope, because she tends to grab onto it and ignore what is glaringly obvious. 
 

Her  husband has been unfaithful, physically and emotionally, with several women over a span of many, many, many years... He has never once shared the truth of their marriage with his wife, the mother of his children. He has never offered and apology or shown any remorse for his behaviour. 
 

Sure, one option is that he loves her and he is drowning in his poor choices... The other option is that he has knowingly and willingly lied and betrayed his wife and his family for YEARS. Aside from the fact that he still parks his car beside hers in the driveway, there is nothing that indicates this man loves his wife. I would suggest, a man who loves his wife doesn’t have sex with other women and lie about it for years... If that’s how he treats the woman he loves, I would hate to see how he treats someone he does not like. 
 

Not to dismiss your comments because I think they have value, but is it possible Christyb that you are projecting your feelings/experience on this man? Because to be fair, there are not many redeeming qualities here...

Edited December 23, 2019 by BaileyB

[K.K.]

You could always just change your point of view too. Since it’s obvious you’re not going to get yourself out of the situation. 

 

I had a boyfriend one time whose aunt was always at the house. I didn’t really think it was weird at first. Then one time I walked into his mothers bedroom and lo and behold she’s laid up in bed with his father, his mother AND the aunt. She wasn’t the aunt at all. 

 

She was some lady that the dad was screwing so instead of breaking up her family, the mom just went with it and welcomed her in. The ‘aunt’ helped take care of the kids and cooked and cleaned. s*** like that. They all seemed pretty happy for a long time. 

 

Later (and this is the part that might interest you, Edith) when push came to shove, and the ‘aunt’ was getting a little pushy, the dad chose his wife and gave the ‘aunt’ the boot so fast her head spun. 

 

As long he only loves you right? 

[edith]

We had a good Christmas. He hadn’t  talked to her since December 10th, when she stopped replying after his “haha” comment. I spent Christmas watching him and he went to her Facebook profile several times, as she kept posting about Christmas with her family and all of these pictures where she’s really made up. That’s why I saw so many views on his FB activity log. I was waiting to see if he’d message her Merry Christmas, he didn’t so I thought I was out of the woods.

 

Then early today, first thing this morning, I saw that he’s message her a really dirty text asking about her Christmas. I saw the time stamps and it took her almost an hour to reply. They start to talk dirty, she stops replying again. He hasn’t messaged her anymore today. I just know that he spent Christmas thinking about her. Meanwhile, we haven’t had sex in almost 3 weeks - I can’t bring myself to do it knowing what I know - and he very readily tells her he’s been jerking off thinking about her every day. What got me was that even though he started with a dirty text this morning, the other ones were normal. It’s as if he’s trying to keep her engaged until he sees her, rather than just trying to get off by talking dirty. This concerns me.

 

I still wonder if it’s all about sex for him, maybe he’s just horny, but it breaks my heart that I’m not the one he’s horny for. And he will see her in January for some “epic goodbye”, which I doubt will really be goodbye for him. But I still have hope that it will be over between them. What do you guys think it means that he texted her about Christmas? Am I right to think this crosses the “sex only” line?

[RecentChange]

The "sex only" line has been crossed a million times. No one keeps up something like this for a DECADE for sex only.

 

Has he said anything to you about the lack of sex between you two?

[edith]

No, he hasn’t said anything. He usually takes any sex he can get, but he seems distracted. I’ve had a knot in my stomach all day and now I know he’s been thinking about her.

 

One thing that always bothers me, though - even though everyone tells me it’s not just sex, that’s the extent of his conversations with her. Today he actually curbed the dirty talk, but that’s unlike him. And he’s not messaging anyone else. If he loved her, wouldn’t he be telling her? I know he’s a player, but I have a hard time believing he’s only doing it to save face. Meanwhile, the kids are so happy with all of their presents and for a fraction of time, we are a happy family.

[RecentChange]

10 minutes ago, edith said:

 I’ve had a knot in my stomach all day and now I know he’s been thinking about her.

 

we are a happy family.

 

Do you not see any contradiction in those statements?

 

Please - tell me, what is your definition of a happy family? Or perhaps a happy marriage?

 

I couldn't imagine living with the kind of gut wrenching stress that you have on a daily basis.

 

Are you honestly happy? Don't you count as part of the family?

 

20 years from now, do you really think your children will value the material gifts over having parents that are actually honest with each other, in love with each other - and sharing that sort of joy with them?

 

The crap under the tree is not what matters in the long run. It's the energy in the home, it's modelling a loving relationship for your children to emulate as they become adults.

 

Your peace of mind and joy are not bought by wealth - just look at yourself. Stomach twisted in knots but I am guessing few economic worries. 

 

I rather be broke and in love, rather than taken care of financially and betrayed. 

[edith]

Will you people stop assuming that my husband takes care of me? IM THE ONE WHO OWNS THE BUSINESS.

 

Is it clear now?

[Piddy]

On 12/23/2019 at 6:20 PM, K.K. said:

 

I had a boyfriend one time whose aunt was always at the house. I didn’t really think it was weird at first. Then one time I walked into his mothers bedroom and lo and behold she’s laid up in bed with his father, his mother AND the aunt. She wasn’t the aunt at all. 

 

She was some lady that the dad was screwing so instead of breaking up her family, the mom just went with it and welcomed her in. The ‘aunt’ helped take care of the kids and cooked and cleaned. s*** like that. They all seemed pretty happy for a long time. 

 

 

 

We need the salacious details. 🙂  Like were they all bare ass and in a full on menage a trois?  And then we need to hear the typical K.K. funny as hell one liner you said to them. 😄  

 

I had a similar experience when I was a kid.   I was at a friend of my fathers house and they were in the kitchen and I was in the living room watching TV.  All of a sudden the wife of my fathers friend walked thru the living room and into a bedroom with her brother in law. 

 

They were in there quite awhile.  I don't think they were looking at her stamp collection. 😕  My fathers friend and his wife were radio personalities and the brother in law was the president of a local bank.  Anyway, they obviously had an 'arrangement'.  This was back in the 1960's on quaint little Cape Cod.

 

I still say that's what Edith needs (an arrangement) with her husband.  He can screw around as long as he never leaves her.  Need to have that talk.  

Edited December 26, 2019 by Piddy

[RecentChange]

5 minutes ago, edith said:

Will you people stop assuming that my husband takes care of me? IM THE ONE WHO OWNS THE BUSINESS.

 

Is it clear now?

 

It's an easy assumption to make - because it's MIND BOGGLING that you stay in this situation and do not say anything to your husband.

 

Often women stay in these situations. Stay powerless. Stay spineless because they have no choice, they need his money and stability.

 

WHY do you stay subservient to him?

 

WHY do you stress all day and not dare say a word to him?

 

WHY do you behave as if you have no power?

 

WHY do you feel that you must accept this?

[edith]

I think I would be powerless if I didn’t know. But don’t bother hitting me with feminist crap - I abhor feminism. I want to keep my family together and I will do that AS LONG AS HE DOESNT HAVE FEELINGS FOR THIS WOMAN.

 

If he does want her for more than sex, I absolutely will divorce him. Right now, it’s really not clear to me how he feels and I would lose all the power of my knowledge of I told him that I know.

[Piddy]

22 minutes ago, edith said:

I think I would be powerless if I didn’t know. But don’t bother hitting me with feminist crap - I abhor feminism. I want to keep my family together and I will do that AS LONG AS HE DOESNT HAVE FEELINGS FOR THIS WOMAN.

 

If he does want her for more than sex, I absolutely will divorce him. Right now, it’s really not clear to me how he feels and I would lose all the power of my knowledge of I told him that I know.

 

Hasn't this affair been going on for a few years?  If you don't know by now, how many more years will it take?  You have no power.  You're in a perpetual state of limbo which you've accepted as part of your life.  Why do you continue to post here asking peoples opinions? 

 

You don't take anyone's advice.  I guess this is your coping mechanism.  

 

Don't you want to be happy and stop living this lie?  Again, you don't have a marriage.  You actually already have an 'arrangement' with your husband, he's just not aware that you know about it and are willingly accepting it.

Edited December 26, 2019 by Piddy

[RecentChange]

Well you won't ask him if he has feelings for her.

 

And you refuse to admit that A DECADE of chasing her means he has any feelings for her. Or how he admired the way she worked and said you should do the same. 

 

Good for you, you abhorre feminism. 

 

So why don't you be a good wifey and quit worrying your pretty little head about this?!

 

Stress is going to give you wrinkles and make you look old. Men want pretty wives, not stressed out ones.

 

So put this out of your head, for the love of God quit following his Facebook and snooping on him, that is not what a good wifey does.

 

You already don't ask him any questions, so why don't you do yourself a favor and quit asking yourself questions, and quit asking us questions. We can't tell you that your husband has feelings for her, it's not a reality you will accept.

 

So, just keep pretending you have a happy family, and work harder on convincing yourself that you have a happy marriage.

 

The fact that your husband pines for another woman for 10 years, and has sex with who he pleases DOESN'T MATTER.

 

You are a happy wife, with a happy family in a happy home.

 

Tell yourself that over and over anytime you feel compelled to snoop on your husband or to cheat with your kids coach.

 

Happy wife, happy life, happy marriage, happy home.

 

No snooping or flirting with guys - flirting and cheating are things for your husband to do. Not you. 

Edited December 26, 2019 by RecentChange

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, edith said:

I think I would be powerless if I didn’t know. But don’t bother hitting me with feminist crap - I abhor feminism. I want to keep my family together and I will do that AS LONG AS HE DOESNT HAVE FEELINGS FOR THIS WOMAN.

 

If he does want her for more than sex, I absolutely will divorce him. Right now, it’s really not clear to me how he feels and I would lose all the power of my knowledge of I told him that I know.

You have no power now. For goodness sakes edith, your husband is sending dirty texts with another woman on Christmas Day and making plans to liaise with her in the new year, while you are posting on an online forum asking a bunch of strangers what this means for your marriage. 
 

It is MIND BOGGLING that you stay with this man, even more MIND BOGGLING that you would suggest that your family is happy. It is an illusion, if your children don’t realize it now, they will eventually... You can’t hide the truth from them forever. 

 

You have chosen this for yourself. Back in the day, women stayed with men in similar circumstances because they had no other options. The sad reality of this situation, you have other options. You own the freaking company, for goodness sake. And yet, you chose to stay and allow yourself to be disrespected time and time and time again... 

[RecentChange]

Also, don't withhold sex.

 

That's not what a good wife does. He can't have sex with her until after January and that's much too long to wait. Besides she has power over him, that's what makes him so crazy about her. So she might pull the rug out again, and he will keep pining for her.

 

He thinks about her while he has sex with you. He has a burning passion for her which keeps things alive for him.

 

Guess you can count yourself lucky. You have this other woman who helps you keep your husband happy, because apparently he needs more than you have to offer. A happy husband wouldn't wander, but hopefully soon he can have his cake and eat it too.

 

That should make everyone really happy.

 

Thinkabout how elated he will be after FINALLY after all this time he gets to have sex with her! What an accomplishment after so many years and so much desire.

 

You won't be able to comment on the bounce in his step - but maybe he will be so high off the sex he'll give you a good time as well.

 

That is if she does finally put out. Otherwise - just more teasing, and just more taking out his desire for her, while he is intimate with you. 

[K.K.]

1 hour ago, Piddy said:

 

We need the salacious details. 🙂  Like were they all bare ass and in a full on menage a trois?  

 

Nope, They were all just laying in their king sized bed eating chips and watching The Tonight Show ! I walked in, asked if there were any more of those stuffed shells we had for dinner, they said no. I walked out. 

 

Funny thing is, It took me forever to even realize what the deal was. Nobody mentioned it. I never saw any hugging or stealing kisses in the hall. No one spoke of it. EVER. 

 

I knew it was real though because the ‘Aunt’ got good and drunk one night and started bawling over the husband with me begrudgingly acting as her confidant. 

 

Edith, nobody is perfect and I really shouldn’t be judging you or your husband. I realize s*** happens and all of a sudden you find yourself in a horrible situation. And yes, s*** does happen. I’m not trying to make light of your situation. You think there’s not one single person here that has seen your thread that doesn’t ‘hear’ your pain? It’s awful. 

 

If that’s your line in the sand, (that he cannot love her) well.. maybe he doesn’t. I don’t know. Like I said before, when it came to my boyfriend’s father, and the ‘aunt’ got too pushy, he sent her packing. 

 

Maybe be an arraignment of some sort would be your answer. Maybe you could just look the other way. The only problem with that, is that when the desperation of holding onto your husband wears off, you certainly will be left with straight hatred and contempt! Are you going to be able to turn a blind eye in the meantime? 

 

I often see your thread and wonder if you just came out and told him that he could  have her for sex  would it suddenly lose its appeal for him?? And for HER. It surely won’t be as dangerous and exciting for either of them. Everyone knows that’s the majority of the pleasure. The sneaking. I wonder... 

 

No. I’m not saying you should do this. I quite frankly, don’t know. I would dump his ass if it were me to be honest. But I’m not you and you haven’t reached that point yet because right now you’re just trying to hold on to your husband. 

 

You said how important it is to keep your family together. But have you ever given thought to the repercussions to your children? To have to see this and (they eventually will.) 

 

I know you might not believe this but every word I write on this board is fact. If I say it happened, it happened. I have no reason to lie. None. I guess I tell my own stories and anecdotes because it helps me to get past my own bulls***. 

 

So believe me when I say - this WILL take a toll on you and your children beyond what is happening now. 

 

Anyway, My boyfriend and I eventually broke up - I mean we were just kids then but we remained friendly. He never talked about the affair, or the other woman that took up a permanent seat in their lives for MANY years. But it took a huge toll. He ended up blowing his brains out. He was 26 years old. His younger brother, moved to California and changed his last name so as not to be associated with his Dad in any way. He ended up shooting steroids and contracting and dying of AIDS. He was 24 years old. Like I said this was back in the day before they had any decent medication to slow it down. There were 2 other brothers as well and both of them died in a crack house. 

 

The wife stood by her man until the end though like a lovesick dog while he continued screwing other women behind her back. I saw her obituary in the paper two years ago. It hurt. She had lost her whole family and now she was gone. She deserved so much better than what she got. And don’t tell me that her husbands actions didn’t have a huge impact on what happened to them all. I know it did. 

 

Anyway Edith, don’t ever think that this won’t have a toll on you or your children in the long run because I’m telling you that it will. You don’t need him to survive. You don’t need his money. You don’t need s*** from him.  

 

YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. 

 

Read it again. Please Edith. Your pain is palpable. I feel it. Please. 

[Piddy]

43 minutes ago, K.K. said:

 

Nope, They were all just laying in their king sized bed eating chips and watching The Tonight Show ! I walked in, asked if there were any more of those stuffed shells we had for dinner, they said no. I walked out. 

 

 

 

Bummer.  What sounded like a comedic story, turned into a tragic story.  Wow, all the kids died tragic deaths.  

[K.K.]

3 minutes ago, Piddy said:

 

Bummer.  What sounded like a comedic story, turned into a tragic story.  Wow, all the kids died tragic deaths.  

 

 

Ha ha hahha hahahhaha !!

 

Hey - I ain’t no one trick pony ! 😉 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, edith said:

Will you people stop assuming that my husband takes care of me? IM THE ONE WHO OWNS THE BUSINESS.

 

Is it clear now?

OK so why don't you take your business and your kids and go find another more deserving man?
One that doesn't lie and cheat and make you feel awful every day...

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

OK so why don't you take your business and your kids and go find another more deserving man?

because she would only get to take half the business... she would have to buy him out if he has any ownership, perhaps give him severance if he does not, possibly pay him spousal or child support if he is unemployed and she is making more than him, sell the house and divide the proceeds... I could go on... right edith. 
 

I have to wonder how much of her concern to keep her family together is actually a reflection of her desire to maintain the appearance of a happy family and as she herself has previously stated, her current lifestyle...

 

I hate to say it, but it’s that old saying - people who marry for money earn every. single. penny. 

Edited December 27, 2019 by BaileyB

[edith]

Just because he has been chasing her for sex for 10 years, does that necessarily mean he has feelings for her? He’s never even taken her out on a date.

And assuming I married for money is ridiculous- neither one of us had any money when we got married! I’ve made this same point to Bailey before, but it appears to not have mattered.

Tomorrow is his birthday. A part of me wonders if he contacted her on Thursday to establish contact to see if she will wish him happy birthday. He has been in a good mood lately but no communication between them since Thursday.

I don’t know, I think there’s still a chance she’s just sex because he was very eager to agree that they should have one last goodbye, or something to that effect. I think he would have tried to talk her into more of an affair if she meant anything to him.

[BaileyB]

edith, I did not say that you married him for money. I do however believe that your denial and your reluctance to divorce is related in part to the fact that it’s in your financial best interest to stay married. 

Edited December 29, 2019 by BaileyB

[S2B]

Half of any money you may have is better than staying with any man that disrespects you this way.

 

he has a birthday, eh? Give him the right present = divorce papers.

 

then YOU can have roomfor anew man who may respect and actually loveyou by treating you right.

 

everything about your scenario is just completely wrong... especially that YOU allow yourself to be treated this way by staying with this scumbag. 

 

Pick up yourself respect and divorce him without ever looking back. Anything you lose - you gain more of by getting rid of him.

[Watercolors]

16 hours ago, edith said:

Just because he has been chasing her for sex for 10 years, does that necessarily mean he has feelings for her? He’s never even taken her out on a date.

And assuming I married for money is ridiculous- neither one of us had any money when we got married! I’ve made this same point to Bailey before, but it appears to not have mattered.

Tomorrow is his birthday. A part of me wonders if he contacted her on Thursday to establish contact to see if she will wish him happy birthday. He has been in a good mood lately but no communication between them since Thursday.

I don’t know, I think there’s still a chance she’s just sex because he was very eager to agree that they should have one last goodbye, or something to that effect. I think he would have tried to talk her into more of an affair if she meant anything to him.

I think you should collaborate with author Candace Bushnell on an updated version of the Sex in the City tv series. But call yours, Affairs in the City that follows a wife who investigates her husband's 10+ year affairs while running her company and raising children. There's seriously screenplay material in all of your threads. I'm not being facetious either. It could be like Scandal in that it's a series that comments on the politics of marriage. 

Edited December 29, 2019 by Watercolors