I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[IndigoNight]

On 4/15/2020 at 6:27 AM, edith said:

The only mention of his looks I made was that women flock to him, and he does NOT have the moral fortitude to say no. I knew that when I married him. I am fine with sex only affairs. But he has never had full sex with this woman, and yet they’ve been on and off for 12 years. I found out 10 years ago.

I am not willing to accept emotional affairs. That’s why this one affair rattled me so much, because I think he might have feelings for her. 12 years and no sex.

Why did you marry him if you knew he was going to cheat on you? Is he rich? Because that's the only reason I can think of that you'd put up with his philandering ways.

[stillafool]

Yes he's quite wealthy, but  mostly good looking.

[heartwhole2]

Edith, I feel for you. I hope you will see a therapist if you're not already.

As I said before, if you are fine with your husband's NSA sex then I'm fine with it too. But you are not fine with an EA and you don't have any tools for enforcing your boundaries. A healthy relationship has boundaries and communication. 

Anyone can slip into an EA, not just men who have been given the green light to cheat. After I discovered my husband's affair, I was anxious to avoid being hurt that way again. I felt an obsessive need to check his phone, especially since he did not come clean about the PA on his own and I had to discover it by charging up his old phone. This is a normal response to trauma.

Since then he has a done a lot of work on himself. He has boundaries with friendships. He's transparent. And I've worked to accept that I cannot control if I will be hurt in the future. I can only trust in myself, that I will be OK no matter what, and enforce my boundaries. 

You can't live in a constant state of hyper-vigilance. It will eat at your soul and wear down your immune system. You have boundaries, you communicate them, and you enforce them. After all, I don't want a marriage that I have to protect from outside threats by always being one step ahead of an affair. I know I deserve so much more than that.

[Mallimari]

On 3/27/2020 at 10:04 AM, edith said:

All I can think about is that a man in his right mind wouldn’t chase a woman for 12 years for blow jobs. He has to feel something for her, especially since he has been with other woman and has remained married to me.

At the same time, he forgot they were supposed to meet and blew her off. Not very “in love”-sounding to me.

Edith, does it matter if he sounds "in love" with her? (And by the way, yes, there's no doubt he has deep feelings for her, as the group has already answered countless times.) 

I ask because it seems like you're asking the wrong questions. The bigger question is, does he love you? Is he even "in love" with you? 

It doesn't seem like he gives you the time of day. He offers you less attention, kindness, and consideration than what a friend would. Forget about "love"! He definitely thinks about the 12-year woman significantly more than he thinks about you (if he considers you at all). Your needs, thoughts, desires do not seem to register at all with him -- to us, it seems like he could care less about you?

Girl, it's time to wake up and take some actions that will benefit you. Get your ducks in a row, record what you need to, and make some plans to extricate. This is no life at all, and life is short. 

 

 

Edited April 27, 2020 by Mallimari

[IndigoNight]

On 4/17/2020 at 5:52 AM, stillafool said:

Yes he's quite wealthy, but  mostly good looking.

Good thing he is so wealthy; the cost of a good therapist is expensive.

What are you worth Edith? Does he make enough money to soothe your heart? Is your back account large enough to dispel your worries, and fears? Are there enough zeroes in his netw worth to mend your broken, battered, and bruised heart?

My ex was stunning to look at, and we enjoyed wealth that most people cannot comprehend. My baby shower was catered, and had valet parking in his mother's 7 million dollar home. Our wedding invitations were hand written calligraphy; all 400+ of them. We owned 3 homes by the time I was 22. We paid cash for a $42,000+ car. We took lavish vacations, without a single worry about money.  SO WHAT!!!

I walked away with nothing, because all I wanted was my freedom. I grew tired of looking the other way, and making excuses for his pathetic behavior. I grew tired of feeling humiliated in front of friends, loved ones,  and even strangers! I couldn't deal with the his emotional manipulation, and the constant knowledge that I was just another possession in his life. He didn't love me. He enjoyed owning me. 

Now, 22 years later, I wake up every morning next to a man who misses me while he is at work. A man who holds me when I hurt. A man who I trust with my heart, completely.

We may not be wealthy, but I am rich in ways no words can fully explain. When my husband kisses me, 22 years flash by in a single moment, and we are the same young, passionate people that met so long ago. The passion has not faded; it has burned hot and intense since our first touch, our first kiss.

Our love has grown, and deepens with each passing year. Every morning my husband brings me my coffee, just the way I like it. As soon as he walks in the door after work, he kisses me. If I'm asleep when he goes to work, he gently kisses my forehead before leaving. He is always holding my hand; in the car, during my doctor visits, or whole watching TV together, my hand is always held gently in his. And SO much more!!!

I have no regrets about being broke when I left my ex. My current husband has shown me that love is priceless. As it should be.

I hope that there will come a day for you when you realize that your husband will never have enough money to make hurting you, breaking your heart, and making you doubt yourself so completely, acceptable. It's not. It never was 

Edited April 29, 2020 by IndigoNight

[lifeoflies]

On 4/17/2020 at 7:03 AM, IndigoNight said:

full sex with this woman,

what is half sex?  3/4 sex.  what does that mean??  sex is pretty much all or nothing, right?

Edited April 30, 2020 by lifeoflies

[IndigoNight]

13 minutes ago, lifeoflies said:

what is half sex?  3/4 sex.  what does that mean??  sex is pretty much all or nothing, right 

I have no idea without it being used in context. I'm not going to reread all of my posts to find it. I am sure I can come up with better ways to waste my time, lol.  On a guess it was supposed to be "have sex" and my phone autocorrected it. 

It is possibly a type. <shrugs shoulders>

Edited April 30, 2020 by IndigoNight

[IndigoNight]

4 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

full sex with this woman

You've read this thread, and actually need me to explain that? Alrighty then. Full sex with this woman, as in not just the oral sex that happened 6 times according to the OP. Yes, there is a difference between oral sex, and "full sex" as in penetration, PIV sex.

I will make sure to write "sex in which both parties are fully engaged" next time, just so there is no confusuon. 🙄

Out of over 775 posts that's what caught your attention. Okay then.

Back to the topic....

Edited April 30, 2020 by IndigoNight

[merrmeade]

I don't know, Edith, if I ever want you to figure this out. I enjoy coming back after a hiatus and see you're still here and the question is still the same - sex is okay if there's nothing emotional. But that's the question with "the same woman": Is there anything emotional between them?

The same thing occurs to me every time about your husband: He's immature. He enjoys the conquest, the chase, the flirting and the sexual tension in his extramarital encounters.  And what makes this one different is that she keeps the tension going. Sometimes she gives; sometimes she doesn't but she's mostly trying not to, right? Well, that's it. He can't just quite let this one go because he never quite got her in the first place. 

I tell you that the one thing that will stop him dead in his tracks is the shame of exposure. It will all be over for good - unless he has a problem with the way you find out what you know - not that I think he has a right. No way, sister. You have every right and then some, but a man like that will only take his shame so far and giving up his right to privacy (he thinks) is not on the table. It's not fair, and he's not fair. He likes the status quo and I think you do, too. You might lose him and, even though most of us think he's not worth it, you do.

I wish we could just convince you to dump the egomaniac and go find love yourself. 

I know you won't. Just saying.

 

Edited May 4, 2020 by merrmeade

[edith]

Yes, I agree that exposure would stop it but only momentarily. Pretty soon, he’d start it up again, but underground so then I’d be in the dark. I suppose I’m not worrying too much because they’re both staying away from each other. He stalks her on the messaging app, he likes her posts daily, the one thing that bothered me was that the other day, she posted something like “When you play the long game, you don’t have to worry about the minor detours and annoyances.” He liked that post, which I assume was only posted for him. So she’s basically telling him that she’s serious about him. And he continued to like her pictures, even pictures of her son alone. Why would he do this if she were just for blow jobs? (I honestly want to know if I’m seeing too much into it!) But he is not reaching out to her. This gives me hope.
 

The other day she posted a full body picture captioned “Kettlebells and IF” and he “loved” it. So I guess it could be just physical. But he confuses me. Like I said, everything else is normal. But the fact that he didn’t start to ignore her after she alluded to being serious about him (this was after she posted about only being in favor of divorce once the kids are grown and out of the house!), that does worry me.

[heartwhole2]

We cannot control other people. We cannot control what happens. We can only have boundaries and enforce them. What are some boundaries you could establish? You have an obsessive need to check up on him because you don't have any boundaries, nor any consequences for crossing them. You are in a state of hyper vigilance. But you cannot watch him into being faithful. What can you do today to start taking back control?

 

Edited May 8, 2020 by heartwhole2

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Edith, any blind monkey 🙈 can see he's somewhere between infatuation/admiration and madly in love.

Now, what are you giving to do about it? Nothing? OK, then just accept already.

Is this really about your husband and this woman? Or is it more about a need to compete to feel like a winner? Or are you just looking for attention from strangers?

I challenge you to answer those questions for yourself so you can work towards enjoying peace of mind and redirect your energy into activities that would make you actually feel good about yourself. What's more important than your health, mental or otherwise?

[Amethyst68]

A few of your posts back you said you were going to confront him? Progress? Plans?

[IndigoNight]

16 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

A few of your posts back you said you were going to confront him? Progress? Plans?

I seriously doubt that will ever happen, considering she hasn't yet. She has already made excuses for why she won't confront him for his behavior. She wouldn't be able to spy on him because he'd hide what he was doing. 🙄

It doesn't matter what is said, she finds an excuse for his behavior, and her own. 

[edith]

It’s not that I make excuses, it’s that he’s not doing anything with her - she’s supposed to move to her beach house to spend the summer next week, and won’t be back until the Fall - I saw this on her FB.

Meanwhile, he hasn’t been on the messaging app he uses with her since 6:30 this morning, but he has liked two pictures she posted today, and after the first one, she posted a song and lyrics that said “History is like gravity/It holds you down, away from me/ You and I, we’ve both got sins/And I don’t care about where you’ve been”. Not even an hour later, he liked a new picture she had posted (he never likes the songs themselves, even though I suspect the audience is him only but I can’t check that).

And days go by like that. It seems to me as if she’s waiting for him to reach out - but he’s not doing it! But does following her on social media that closely mean he wants to?

[heartwhole2]

Edith, we are trying to get you to see that this isn't about a Facebook post or a like or a messaging app. It's about you being trapped in an untenable situation where you have no control but can't have peace without control. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, edith said:

It seems to me as if she’s waiting for him to reach out - but he’s not doing it! But does following her on social media that closely mean he wants to?

Who knows. This whole situation has the emotional maturity of a high school crush - passing secret notes to each other and “liking” posts on social media. If he wasn’t actually cheating on you and having sex with other women, I would say that it’s actually pretty silly... Your focus on this one particular woman has always been, and continues to be, rather illogical to me. 

Edited May 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[IndigoNight]

Edith, read through your replies. You make excuses for why you won't confront him multiple times. You even commented about not confront him because he'd hide his activities from you. What is that? AN EXCUSE!

Edited May 13, 2020 by IndigoNight

[assertives]

1 hour ago, IndigoNight said:

You even commented about not confront him because he'd hide his activities from you.

Specifically, she's afraid she'll lose snooping privileges. I still remember that post. I was mind-blowing and mind-f***ed in equal measures at the same time and it made me realize it doesn't matter what she may post or what others would say. It will not get through to her. She's staying put, and she's probably also operating on a completely different pane from most people when it comes to ideas of what's acceptable, what's a good, fulfilling marriage and what fidelity means to her.

[IndigoNight]

51 minutes ago, assertives said:

Specifically, she's afraid she'll lose snooping privileges. I still remember that post. I was mind-blowing and mind-f***ed in equal measures at the same time and it made me realize it doesn't matter what she may post or what others would say. It will not get through to her. She's staying put, and she's probably also operating on a completely different pane from most people when it comes to ideas of what's acceptable, what's a good, fulfilling marriage and what fidelity means to her.

She will never leave. She's made that abundantly clear. It's sad really. It's entirely her choice though. I've given up trying to help. She seems to just want attention at this point.

[IndigoNight]

I'm surprised this thread hasn't closed since it keeps repeating itself over and over. She doesn't want help, or insight. She makes excuses when given any advice, but comes back with the same complaints again and again. 🙄

Edited May 13, 2020 by IndigoNight

[MilaVaneela]

8 hours ago, assertives said:

She's staying put, and she's probably also operating on a completely different pane from most people when it comes to ideas of what's acceptable, what's a good, fulfilling marriage and what fidelity means to her.

I’ve been quietly lurking this thread and something that stood out to me was near the beginning, Edith commented that she felt that because her H was very, very attractive that he and people who are exceptionally good looking or wealthy or intelligent should be allowed to operate outside the norms of society. I disagree (my xH was very conventionally attractive, did that give him a pass for his abusive behavior? Certainly not), and I don’t feel that putting up with it is any way to live, but I do hope that Edith can find some peace somewhere and wish her well. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 5/13/2020 at 2:50 AM, assertives said:

Specifically, she's afraid she'll lose snooping privileges. I still remember that post. I was mind-blowing and mind-f***ed in equal measures at the same time and it made me realize it doesn't matter what she may post or what others would say. It will not get through to her. She's staying put, and she's probably also operating on a completely different pane from most people when it comes to ideas of what's acceptable, what's a good, fulfilling marriage and what fidelity means to her.

Agreed. It's also a good observation at how powerful and effective our minds are at deceiving us, avoiding inconvenient truths. Defense mechanisms, etc to help us survive but sometimes keep us stuck in survival mode. 

On some level, aren't we all on a quest for happiness (albeit with different ideas of what that looks like)?

I feel self-awareness is the path to true and lasting happiness. Certainly others would disagree while clinging to fantasies, etc. 

What's really the answer? Is it to actualize our own inner self or to measure up to others' (society/boss/parents) standards, or somewhere in between?

Edited May 14, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Timshel]

On 5/13/2020 at 2:50 AM, assertives said:

Specifically, she's afraid she'll lose snooping privileges. I still remember that post. I was mind-blowing and mind-f***ed in equal measures at the same time and it made me realize it doesn't matter what she may post or what others would say. It will not get through to her. She's staying put, and she's probably also operating on a completely different pane from most people when it comes to ideas of what's acceptable, what's a good, fulfilling marriage and what fidelity means to her.

One of my first cases with a sociopath was a woman who had burned her house down in the middle of the night with her husband and three children inside.  She asked for a mirror and if her hair looked good, smiled and said she hadn't slept.  I asked why she hadn't slept and she replied that she had forgot to take the family photo off the mantel, did I have it; it was what she had made and wanted to be sure that she had that to show people, her family.  There was nothing else.  Nothing.

[merrmeade]

On 5/7/2020 at 1:15 PM, edith said:

Yes, I agree that exposure would stop it but only momentarily. Pretty soon, he’d start it up again, but underground so then I’d be in the dark. I suppose I’m not worrying too much because they’re both staying away from each other. He stalks her on the messaging app, he likes her posts daily, the one thing that bothered me was that the other day, she posted something like...

And there you go again. Oh my goodness, Edith. You came up for air just long enough to answer the question superficially but not the problem. You don't have time. You are so obsessed with them, you cannot think about anything else. It is not merely that you are not interested in any other aspect of this situation, it's that you don't consider it for more than two lines of text and then back you go to spending every minute following her every move. 

This explains why this thread can go on so long and you've successfully ignored every line of discussion except what she's doing now. 

Edith, what do YOU do with your husband or are you always studying Facebook? 

You do realize that your profile will pop up each next time she looks at her page, which tells her that you've been looking at her page, right? So that means every day.