I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[IndigoNight]

On 5/26/2020 at 3:51 AM, merrmeade said:

Does following her on social media that closely mean he wants to [follow her]? Uh, yes. Really, Edith. You are WAY too close to this and obsessive. You've been obsessed with spying on them for all these months. It seems like a very lonely preoccupation that can never resolve. Why don't you just hire a PI instead of trying to resolve this with a magnifying glass .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Months? Try years!

I give Edith points for her dedication though. 🙄

[SharpMind]

New to the forum...all because I'm F-ed up individual - been through my W emotional affair 15 years ago with very close family member...and now find myself in my own predicament of the onset of an EA...pushing hard to avoid it - not easy...

Been reading through this thread, I think the issue with your H is not only an EA and oral sex @ 6 times....but the fact that he wants to conquer the OW...perhaps if she gave him full blown "sex" he'd be done with her and on to the next W....this is about control from it looks like to me...both on the OW and H side.  I could be wrong

[merrmeade]

On 5/13/2020 at 1:50 AM, assertives said:

Specifically, she's afraid she'll lose snooping privileges. I still remember that post. I was mind-blowing and mind-f***ed in equal measures at the same time and it made me realize it doesn't matter what she may post or what others would say. It will not get through to her. She's staying put, and she's probably also operating on a completely different pane from most people when it comes to ideas of what's acceptable, what's a good, fulfilling marriage and what fidelity means to her.

Yep, yep and yep again. 

Also look at what she about his going underground if forced to face his sh-ttiness. And if he went underground, she’d probably fall apart since this is the only way she’s willing to deal with everything to do with this problem. 

She must be disappointed that literally no one is interested in repeating the cycle of actually trying to answer he original question because it so clearly is not the question and not the answer that she needs to be be focused on.

[edith]

Here I am again.

He reached out to her once again, and now I’m seriously scared.

He texted her yesterday asking how her summer is going. She replied that it’s going great and asked how things are in her home state. (She lives at her beach house during the summer, one state over.) He replied that things are fine and that he’s “having a good summer with his boys”. As if his family is only the boys. Then he asked if she’s having fun and that he hopes all is well.

She wrote “That’s great - I remember how much you love those boys! Mine is glued to his x-box. We’ve been at the beach house since May, so it’s been fun. It’s nice to talk to you, though.” He replied “That’s good to hear. Enjoy.” She just wrote “You too!” And I thought that was it.

Then he replied to her saying “You look great” and she asked “Are you flirting with me?!” and he said “Always”. She wrote “Thats very flattering. And sometimes I can’t believe that the last time we saw each other was 7 years ago!”

Then he writes “I miss that mouth of yours. You look great. It has been too long.”

Then she wrote, and I quote: “I hate to be a party pooper, but I can’t sext. It wouldn’t be fair to my husband. But if you ever want to be just friends, let me know.” I thought again this was it.

But he wrote back! And said “I do. No worries. Sorry for being a jerk.” She wrote “Don’t say that. I’ve never thought of you as a jerk. And I think we both know each other very well after all these years.” He wrote “Agreed” and she didn’t reply.

I’m back to my usual knot in my stomach. I haven’t found evidence of another woman in months. He just always goes back to her, knowing she’s in another state. He is on her FB so he knew she wasn’t where we live. And now that he’s said he’s willing to be just friends, I think I’m justified in thinking he has feelings for her. I know I always come back asking for help, but isn’t this latest development proof of his involvement? I still haven’t told anyone - my therapist was clear that divorce was the way to go, and I disagreed. Am I right to think he loves her? It’s been almost a 13-year affair. He hasn’t seen her in 7 years. And he’s ok with being friends and apologizing to her?! I’m broken.

[Prudence V]

37 minutes ago, edith said:

Then she wrote, and I quote: “I hate to be a party pooper, but I can’t sext. It wouldn’t be fair to my husband. But if you ever want to be just friends, let me know.” I thought again this was it.

But he wrote back! And said “I do. No worries. Sorry for being a jerk.” She wrote “Don’t say that. I’ve never thought of you as a jerk. And I think we both know each other very well after all these years.” He wrote “Agreed” and she didn’t reply.

Basically, he’s saying he’ll take any scraps she throws his way. 
 

For now, that’s “being friends”. But as soon as she’s up for more, he’ll be there. 
 

His life revolves around what she says or does. And, in turn, yours revolves around what he says or does. Why are you giving so much power over your marriage, your life, to this woman? I can’t understand that. 

[Crazelnut]

Nope, not getting sucked into the exact same discussion we've been having for 33 pages. We say of course he's in love with you, and you shut your eyes and ears and obsess on every communication -- without ever doing *anything* to change the situation. Why do you keep asking variations of the same question, but refusing to do anything??

[Piddy]

Yup,  deja vu all over again.  I could say again and again the only one to ask if he's in love with her is him.  But you won't do that.  He's not going anywhere.  He obviously has feelings for her, but only acted on those feelings as I remember once with her giving him oral sex. 

The sexting has stopped so why worry.  No sexting, no more BJ's and he's still with you.  I say no more worries.  But you'll continue to ask other people here if he's in love with her.  It's your obsession.  Good Luck as always.

 

Edited August 5, 2020 by Piddy

[Crazelnut]

Dang it, i meant he's in love with HER.  multitasking

[edith]

I understand. But I keep thinking that I misread what he said. If he really agreed with being just friends with her, wouldn’t he have kept texting her with friend-like topics? When she said no sexting, he agreed he wanted to be just friends, but didn’t take the conversation further. And he hasn’t texted her again. Maybe I misread it. And he won’t message her again.

[BaileyB]

If the past predicts the future, he will text her again.

Let’s be honest here, the fact that this isn’t a full-on affair is not because your husband doesn’t want it. If she gave him the go ahead, he would be all in! If they are not in an affair, it appears to be because she has established some boundaries. 

I will say though, this cat and mouse game that they’ve got going... it’s about as lame as extramarital affair get.

The problem isn’t this woman. The problem here is the lack of respect your husband shows you, and your marriage. 

 

[vla1120]

Edith, I am sorry you find yourself here again, trying to explain away his communications with her. I've just recently been learning about different levels of PTSD and the long-term effects of even a mild case. Did you know that infidelity can cause PTSD? Google it - Infidelity PTSD. When I was reading about it, you (and these 33 pages of denial) popped into my mind. Please ask your therapist about it (though I would imagine that is why he/she recommends divorce.) 

How much of your life are you willing to sacrifice to fight for this marriage? What is it doing to you on a daily basis? What is your quality of life? How long are you willing to continue, and why? It is clearly having a devastating effect on you. We only get one ride on the merry-go-round and no one is getting out alive, Edith. Live your best life. You are not doing that right now. You can continue this slow, simmering torture that gives you NO peace of mind, or you can rip off the bandage and MOVE ON without him. I don't care HOW handsome and debonair he is. He is NOT worth your sanity and self-worth.

Trust me, after spending the past six years in an on again/off again relationship with my controlling, abusive husband because I felt obligated to care for him since he was terminal, I have a long way to go to recover from those years of destruction, but I AM FREE, and I am learning about the value of ME.

Please, Edith. Follow my lead.

[Noproblem]

On 12/18/2019 at 2:31 PM, Artdeco said:

This is a really good idea, Piddy. Because nothing else has worked for her, and nobody’s advice on here has been really taken into consideration. 

it's like talking to a wall, except the wall would have cracked!

[IndigoNight]

On 8/6/2020 at 9:39 AM, edith said:

I understand. But I keep thinking that I misread what he said. If he really agreed with being just friends with her, wouldn’t he have kept texting her with friend-like topics? When she said no sexting, he agreed he wanted to be just friends, but didn’t take the conversation further. And he hasn’t texted her again. Maybe I misread it. And he won’t message her again.

You have misread nothing. You just choose to ignore 30+ pages of responses. Just as you have chosen to ignore your husband's indiscretions. Nothing has changed. Nothing will change. Not unless you actually decide to do something other than repeat yourself here. 

Why not just accept his flaws? You already have anyway.

[merrmeade]

On 8/6/2020 at 11:39 AM, edith said:

I understand. But I keep thinking that I misread what he said. If he really agreed with being just friends with her, wouldn’t he have kept texting her with friend-like topics? When she said no sexting, he agreed he wanted to be just friends, but didn’t take the conversation further. And he hasn’t texted her again. Maybe I misread it. And he won’t message her again.

I realize, edith,  that you're still looking for this specific answer, but I really urge you to step back and  look at the WHOLE picture, including your part in it, and ask some new questions. Maybe even question your questions. Is this really the question I should be asking? Am I being honest with myself about what bothers me and what's important? Am I seeing only what I want to see? 

Regarding your actual question of "Is this serious?" Your husband is capable of some very complex relationships with varying levels of commitment. He seems to be able to come and go, be serious or adjust some other way. In this case, I think you have made it clear whether you accept it or not that he's had special feelings for this lady which they've acted on. Now, she's asked him to back off and just be "friends." I think that's what he's doing. It's not about you or any other propriety. It's about her: He's honoring her request. And that's where they are. 

So if you can live with this, it's kind of like you are reconciling without having actually confronted. You've gone through all this by yourself, without interacting with your husband about it which is so weird to me. Regardless. I think that's your answer. He's trying not to pursue her. She is the one protecting your marriage - though for her own interests in protecting her own marriage. Still I think it's where they are.

[edith]

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I understand I have been hard-headed, but it’s only because in their 13-year affair, nothing has ever come of it. He hasn’t reached out to her since their last exchange, where he agreed to be just friends. But something today caught my attention. She posted on Facebook an article about how to talk to your teen about abstinence, and wrote “Waiting for marriage to have sex is still the best decision I’ve ever made, and I would wait again if I got divorced. I have avoided so many issues - abortions, single motherhood, HPV and its related cancer, several STDs, emotional scars, etc.. Sex has a much deeper meaning than what people usually give it these days. My son is being raised to wait for marriage as well. The choice is going to be his, but I always tell him about the benefits of abstinence.”

My husband liked that post!! Then immediately liked a picture of her alone. How can he like that abstinence post when they’ve had oral sex? Doesn’t he see how hypocritical that is? Is that what he’s looking for? I do remember in some of their messages, he did say multiple times that he “loved” how she was only like that with him. So I think I’ve finally discovered his attraction to her. He doesn’t think she’s a whore.

This concerns me. Because if she’s not a whore, then she’s someone he’s waiting to have a serious relationship with. The fact that he won’t ignore her on social media also tells me he’s still thinking about her. I do think all of this is proof that he has feelings for her, so I might be having a breakthrough.

[Piddy]

27 minutes ago, edith said:

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I understand I have been hard-headed, but it’s only because in their 13-year affair, nothing has ever come of it. He hasn’t reached out to her since their last exchange, where he agreed to be just friends. But something today caught my attention. She posted on Facebook an article about how to talk to your teen about abstinence, and wrote “Waiting for marriage to have sex is still the best decision I’ve ever made, and I would wait again if I got divorced. I have avoided so many issues - abortions, single motherhood, HPV and its related cancer, several STDs, emotional scars, etc.. Sex has a much deeper meaning than what people usually give it these days. My son is being raised to wait for marriage as well. The choice is going to be his, but I always tell him about the benefits of abstinence.”

My husband liked that post!! Then immediately liked a picture of her alone. How can he like that abstinence post when they’ve had oral sex? Doesn’t he see how hypocritical that is? Is that what he’s looking for? I do remember in some of their messages, he did say multiple times that he “loved” how she was only like that with him. So I think I’ve finally discovered his attraction to her. He doesn’t think she’s a whore.

This concerns me. Because if she’s not a whore, then she’s someone he’s waiting to have a serious relationship with. The fact that he won’t ignore her on social media also tells me he’s still thinking about her. I do think all of this is proof that he has feelings for her, so I might be having a breakthrough.

This is quite the long running soap opera Edith.  I think the latest breakthrough is they're just friends now.  She seems to have had an epiphany that she would be celibate if she found herself single again.

No need to worry anymore.  Time to stop the snooping and turn the page.  But we know you can't do that.  You're obsessed with this and can't let go.  Have you ever asked yourself why you can't let go of this?

You're stuck in a perpetual loop.  You won't ask your husband about it and you can't let go because you're continually trying to figure out your husbands feelings towards her.

There seems to be no ending to this melodrama.  As always good luck with finding some peace of mind for yourself. 

[assertives]

Just wanted to say that not everything people share on social media or "like" on social media is a true reflection of their own inner beliefs, values or morals. You can totally agree with a statement or post about something but not really believe in it deep down. It's superficial and frankly does not necessarily mean it's internalised. I wouldn't put too much stock in what it must mean for both of them.

[merrmeade]

On 8/27/2020 at 12:59 PM, edith said:

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I understand I have been hard-headed, but it’s only because in their 13-year affair, nothing has ever come of it. He hasn’t reached out to her since their last exchange, where he agreed to be just friends. But something today caught my attention. She posted on Facebook an article about how to talk to your teen about abstinence, and wrote “Waiting for marriage to have sex is still the best decision I’ve ever made, and I would wait again if I got divorced. I have avoided so many issues - abortions, single motherhood, HPV and its related cancer, several STDs, emotional scars, etc.. Sex has a much deeper meaning than what people usually give it these days. My son is being raised to wait for marriage as well. The choice is going to be his, but I always tell him about the benefits of abstinence.”

My husband liked that post!! Then immediately liked a picture of her alone. How can he like that abstinence post when they’ve had oral sex? Doesn’t he see how hypocritical that is? Is that what he’s looking for? I do remember in some of their messages, he did say multiple times that he “loved” how she was only like that with him. So I think I’ve finally discovered his attraction to her. He doesn’t think she’s a whore.

This concerns me. Because if she’s not a whore, then she’s someone he’s waiting to have a serious relationship with. The fact that he won’t ignore her on social media also tells me he’s still thinking about her. I do think all of this is proof that he has feelings for her, so I might be having a breakthrough.

Edith, couldn’t you just say - based SOLELY on what is visible on Facebook - that his attention to her posts and pictures makes you uncomfortable? Don’t you think he should honor and care about such a request from his wife? It could possibly even open up a conversation about more. I can’t remember how much is there that would justify such a remark without revealing your deep cover. You could ask him and then work with his response. If he denies or gets angry or somehow overreacts, it’s easy. You just show your surprise and comment that his reaction is making you even more alarmed. There’s a way to get people to confess but it’s basically catching them in the lie without appearing to accuse them. 

[edith]

And here I am again. I have been amazed by how my husband has been acting for the last month, but our marriage has actually improved. I was hopeful that after the last time he reached out to her, in early August, and she shut him down, that he would simply move on.

I am still checking his Facebook- from his device, so that I can see when/if he watches her FB stories. He never misses one! There are few others that he actually watches - I know because once you’ve watched someone’s story, the circle on their story stops being blue. Hers are always “watched” whenever I check them.

But something else has really bothered me. About a month ago, I saw a status from her, through his account, where she wrote “I always wonder if absence from (the messaging app) also means the absence of other women. I’m far from being naive about this, but I still hope”. This is one of those - along with songs and movie clips - that I suspect are only posted for him, but I obviously I can’t see her chosen audience.

My husband then changed. He only checks that messaging app she mentioned once a day, sometimes he goes a couple of days without even checking it! Whenever I open it, it’s always on their last conversation, so that he can see when she last used the app.

He used it for other women and went on it dozens of times a day to talk to said women, but as soon as she mentioned other women, he completely changed his behavior on that app. My gut tells me it’s because he wants her to trust him, that he’s not seeing anyone else! While he could care less if I see messages from other women or if he stays up late after I go to bed sexting someone. 
 

I can’t shake this feeling that he is serious about wanting a future with her. It is mind-blowing to me how quickly he changed his behavior on that app after she let him know she’d been watching him. I still expect that he won’t message her again since she blew him off last time and asked if he wanted to be just friends. If he actually had feelings for her, wouldn’t he have tried to keep a friendship- sans sexting - with her? Am I in denial?

[Crazelnut]

For the 100th time, yes. Yes, he wants a relationship with her. Yes, you are in denial. 

[merrmeade]

8 hours ago, edith said:

He used it for other women and went on it dozens of times a day to talk to said women ... While he could care less if I see messages from other women or if he stays up late after I go to bed sexting someone. 

And this has happened recently? Since you posted in August, he’s exchanged messages and sexted with other women?

[edith]

Yes, but from what I can see he hasn’t met up with anyone since. I read other messages and there are women wanting to see him and he gets out of it. But he stopped using this one app with other women since he discovered that he was being “watched” by the 12-yr OW. It’s like the sexting is a pastime. I know they don’t mean anything to him. With her, he’s so different. That’s why I’m now afraid that he’s laying the groundwork for her to start to trust him - as in a relationship. I do know that if he were to leave me, he would cheat on her the way he cheats on me. This is why I’m now more prone to believe his emotional involvement.

[vla1120]

On 11/11/2020 at 3:10 PM, edith said:

Yes, but from what I can see he hasn’t met up with anyone since. I read other messages and there are women wanting to see him and he gets out of it. But he stopped using this one app with other women since he discovered that he was being “watched” by the 12-yr OW. It’s like the sexting is a pastime. I know they don’t mean anything to him. With her, he’s so different. That’s why I’m now afraid that he’s laying the groundwork for her to start to trust him - as in a relationship. I do know that if he were to leave me, he would cheat on her the way he cheats on me. This is why I’m now more prone to believe his emotional involvement.

I honestly think the very best thing for you would be for him to leave you and go to her. He would then be her (cheating) problem and perhaps you could start to live an authentic life with someone who really cared about you.

[edith]

I understand. But I really want to confront him, and after Thanksgiving, because of our boys. But how do I confront him about her, without letting him know that I know about the other women? I’d be so embarrassed if he knew that I’ve stayed with him through the multiple affairs. Specifically, how do I co front him about his feelings for her and get him to admit that she’s different?

[vla1120]

19 minutes ago, edith said:

I understand. But I really want to confront him, and after Thanksgiving, because of our boys. But how do I confront him about her, without letting him know that I know about the other women? I’d be so embarrassed if he knew that I’ve stayed with him through the multiple affairs. Specifically, how do I co front him about his feelings for her and get him to admit that she’s different?

If I were you, I wouldn't be the slightest bit embarrassed. I would put all my cards on the table and let him know exactly where I stood.

"My dear husband, I have stood by you for years and tolerated your many indescretions because I believed they meant nothing to you, so they were not worth giving up my marriage. However, the thought that you have continually sought this woman's affections after 18 years leads me to believe she is different. While your other insignificant objects of affection were never a threat to me, this woman is a threat to my marriage and I will no longer stand for it."

Once you do confront him and shatter the illusion of your perfect arrangement, do you really want to remain in a marriage with this man?