I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm not sure how I'd handle it. I believe I'd tell him I'm leaving with no explanation whatsoever. Just, "I've decided to get my own place." Or maybe just get my own place and leave. From all you're written his obsession with this woman seems to me to be disrupting to your marriage and I doubt after all this time he's going to change his feelings for her just because you have a talk with him.

[merrmeade]

On 11/13/2020 at 11:22 AM, edith said:

I understand. But I really want to confront him, and after Thanksgiving, because of our boys. But how do I confront him about her, without letting him know that I know about the other women? I’d be so embarrassed if he knew that I’ve stayed with him through the multiple affairs. Specifically, how do I co front him about his feelings for her and get him to admit that she’s different?

This is what many of us have been asking for 33 pages now, excuse me, 34, and wondering why you put up with it. Does this mean you ARE embarrassed and want your dignity and self-respect back? Because the real question is: How do you explain it to yourself? Do you feel that you were wrong and you now realize that NONE of it was okay? It’s okay to say you’ve grown or changed or you were co-dependent or whatever you were and now realize you and your boys ALWAYS deserved better. You can say that it doesn’t matter how you looked at it or that you were wrong because nobody is supposed to know how to deal with that kind of disrespect. You don’t owe an explanation. He owes you one and he can’t.

I agree with via1120 that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. No matter how you found out, it’s your right because he cheated, lied, and callously disrespected you as a hobby.

First of all, you tell him like you told us. You say whatever it is you thought but now you know that was wrong. You didn’t deserve any of it.  You could add, “ when I realized that I would actually feel embarrassed telling you how long I’ve known that you had affairs, well, that was the last straw ....” I hope it’s finally true. You can say: you realize that he doesn’t deserve ANY passes or you were in shock or you see now that your boys should value women better or you’re worth more or cheating of any kind is demeans your marriage ... . Just read pages 1-33!! If you have changed your mind, you can say: “I was wrong to excuse any of it.” However you explain it to yourself is what you say because this truth will be the first of, I hope, the rest of your life  as a person whose inner values are compatible with your outer actions and words. 

 I’d choke on “My dear husband,” unless you can say it with enough sarcasm that it will choke him.  

Edited November 14, 2020 by merrmeade

[edith]

Yes! I agree with both of you. I have been weak, but I’m not the one who has been dishonest. It’s hard for me not to be embarrassed- he has gotten away with so much. But I am too tired of living waiting for when he will pull the plug on our marriage, and wondering how much power she will have over that.

He is acting very strange now. This past Wednesday, she posted something for him saying “I have often wondered if I am only the back-up, which is the main reason why I never reach out. It just wouldn’t be worth it to me.” She posted this at 6:30 on Wednesday night; his last view of their messaging app had been at 6:18 that evening. Since then, he hasn’t returned to the messaging app at all! He has watched a story she posted I think on Friday. So he’s not ignoring her. My gut tells me that’s the only way he has of proving to her that she’s the only one.

And even though it pains me to admit it - you don’t know how much - this also means that she’s important to him, because he’s trying to make her trust him. That’s not about blow jobs.

Am I reading too much into his actions? I’ve been so hurt by this that I honestly don’t trust my instincts. I think he’s trying to show her she’s the only one by being absent from the app - because then she knows he’s not talking to other women. It’s a sign.

[princessaurora]

It saddens me that you've put up with this for so long. Kids or not, you are wasting away your life on a man who doesn't deserve you when you probably could have found someone who would treat you like a queen 10 years ago. Your husband sounds to me like he thinks he's some kind of god since he used to be a major athlete and with that comes a superinflated ego. So he goes around banging all the groupies he can but that's not challenging enough so he continues to hone in on the one woman he cannot have because it drives him crazy. I don't believe he's in love with her because the only person he seems to be capable of loving is himself. Now will he go to the ends of the earth to land her? Absolutely, because he would get such a rush from finally getting her to break down completely and give herself to him knowing she's committed to someone else. That's why he's trying to convince her there are no others and he'll take a breather from his womanizing ways just to win this challenge because it would probably be one of his greatest accomplishments since she's resisted for over 10 years. But once he gets her, I'm willing to bet he'll lose interest real fast, because that's the kind of man he is. And she knows this, that's why she continues to give him crumbs of the dessert she's tempting him with, because she knows she'll never be able to live up to that expectation because it's been so amplfied by this wild goose chase she has him on. The first one or two times they have intercourse may be electric just because of the dynamic, but soon he will realize  he was in love with the idea of finally having intercourse with her and the interest will quickly fade. . If I were you I would have reached out to her a long time ago and told her if she contacts your husband again, you will tell her husband everything and I would have told her he gets sex and oral all the time at home and still sleeps with other women frequently. Then she wouldn't be a problem for you anymore. But that's not to say he won't replace her with someone else because he is highly aroused from the unattainable, apparently. It's an ego trip for him and I don't think he'll ever change. You need to find the strength to confront him and be prepared to walk away. I don't know how you can't resent him for what he's done to you. I would hate his guts right now for causing me so  much heartbreak. You are better than this,  I don't care how attractive or wealthy your husband is, you will look back on your life one day in the not so near future and realize all this emotional trauma he's inflicted on you is not worth it. You need to take action now and be prepared to follow up on it. You deserve better than this narcisstitic loser who is constantly chasing tail.  Show him you won't tolerate it any longer., edith. It's long overdue. 

[Crazelnut]

You are not reading too much into his actions. You know how much she means to him. Why do you tolerate that?

[stillafool]

On 11/15/2020 at 9:15 AM, edith said:

Am I reading too much into his actions? I’ve been so hurt by this that I honestly don’t trust my instincts. I think he’s trying to show her she’s the only one by being absent from the app - because then she knows he’s not talking to other women. It’s a sign.

No you aren't reading too much into this and you're right she is the ONLY one he cares about.  You are also right to not trust your own instincts because they have failed you over and over again in regards to your husband.  You are so blind and determined to hold onto a man who wants someone else that nothing else in your life matters anymore.  You should be embarrassed at this point.

[Prudence V]

On 11/15/2020 at 2:15 PM, edith said:

I’ve been so hurt by this that I honestly don’t trust my instincts.

Edith, gently - I don’t think your instincts are the problem. Your instincts have kept you worried about this woman, through 12 long years. Despite your trying to reassure yourself that it was nothing, your instincts have kept you worrying over 34 pages of advice, kept you repeating your same question and getting the same answers... because your instincts have told you that this is worth worrying over. Your instincts are fine. 
 

The problem is your will. You *know* you need to do something... but you can’t bring yourself to do it. There are probably good reasons for that - you have young kids, you are in a difficult position - but it’s not a sustainable situation. You need to make a choice. 

You can leave - with a good settlement to make sure the kids are taken care of. This is what almost everyone on this thread is hoping you’ll do - for your own sanity, and for your kids. It’s hard, but it’s objectively likely to be the best choice. 
Or you can stay. But then, you need to change some things. One is to stop checking on him and his communication with her. Accept that he’s in it with her for the long haul, and that there’s nothing you can do about it. Accept that maybe nothing will happen between them, or maybe everything will, but that that is out of your hands. You are just a spectator on the sidelines, watching through gaps in the fence, now and then when the obstacles in your line of vision clear. But you can’t affect the action, nor the outcome. He may stay, he may leave, but your only hope of sustaining this choice is to be zen about it. Just accept it for what it is. It won’t be a marriage, but if your ok with it as some kind of amiable enough rubbing along together for the sake of the kids, he may stay long enough for the kids to have a father-figure they can assume to call dad. (I’m not saying he is the kind of father figure you’d want teaching boys how to be a man, or how to treat women, but maybe that doesn’t matter to you. Maybe just having someone with a Y chromosome about the place is enough.)

Choose something your will can carry out. Because long term, another 12 years, another 34 pages... you will be a wreck. You’ll be sitting with two adolescents who also treat you like rubbish, wondering why your life turned out this way. Your nerves will be shot, your best years wasted in worry and your health worn away with fretting. If you visited your younger self in a dream, this would not be the life you’d be telling her to aim for. 
 

 

[edith]

Yes, very good advice from all of you. Thank you so much.

I do agree that she is a conquest, but I don’t think, unfortunately, that consummating the affair is what he’s after. You may not have read this part, but in January of this year, they were supposed to meet in NY to spend the night together and he never reached out to her. Then he contacted her one month later and lied to her when she asked, indirectly, why. I remember being so happy because that meant that he didn’t care about her, but then the realization hit me that he’s not just trying to score. Not with her.

I know I have to make a choice. I need to be strong enough to stop wondering about it, because I’m trying to avoid being blindsided by both his feelings, or his leaving for her if it comes to that. I want to be in the loop. I don’t know how I can do that without worrying. I probably can’t.

What I did discover today is that they are very evenly matched. She is a skilled manipulator, like him. I don’t know if he can see through it, but it’s clear to me.

He hasn’t gone on their “app” since last Wednesday, when she told him in a post she had always wondered if she was only a back-up, and how that was the main reason why she never reached out. He immediately stopped checking the app, purposely to show her she’s the only one. (She isn’t.)

This morning, she posted again only to him, after he saw one of her stories from what I could tell on his account. She wrote:”After the latest disappearing act from the app, I am almost at the point of wondering if the assessment I made years ago - a playboy who wouldn’t be faithful or trustworthy- could be a mistake. What if I have been wrong? I do want to be wrong.”

He has been in a good mood all day. I can’t help but think that these two events are related. See, this is how she works, she doesn’t tell him she now knows he’s worthy; she is “almost” at the point of believing. Maybe if he continues to be a good boy, she will change her mind about him. Maybe she has been “wrong” and he’s actually a man to be taken seriously! And she keeps him changing his behavior (though not really, she doesn’t know) and he jumps through hoops to get her to trust him. This is why I am now so convinced and scared that he wants her for the long-term. He may not want to stay until the boys leave for college. (They are 13 and 12, hers is 12.) What is maddening is that I have a feeling that she is in control of that. That if she were to leave her husband (she is now a real estate investor and making a boat load of money off of the pandemic, according to posts I’ve seen) that he would drop me. This is what keeps me up at night.

I do see the need for me to change the way I react to this. I know it’s stupid, but part of me still hopes that he doesn’t love her.

[merrmeade]

5 hours ago, edith said:

Yes, very good advice from all of you. Thank you so much.

I do agree that she is a conquest, but I don’t think, unfortunately, that consummating the affair is what he’s after. You may not have read this part, but in January of this year, they were supposed to meet in NY to spend the night together and he never reached out to her. Then he contacted her one month later and lied to her when she asked, indirectly, why. I remember being so happy because that meant that he didn’t care about her, but then the realization hit me that he’s not just trying to score. Not with her.

I know I have to make a choice. I need to be strong enough to stop wondering about it, because I’m trying to avoid being blindsided by both his feelings, or his leaving for her if it comes to that. I want to be in the loop. I don’t know how I can do that without worrying. I probably can’t.

What I did discover today is that they are very evenly matched. She is a skilled manipulator, like him. I don’t know if he can see through it, but it’s clear to me.

He hasn’t gone on their “app” since last Wednesday, when she told him in a post she had always wondered if she was only a back-up, and how that was the main reason why she never reached out. He immediately stopped checking the app, purposely to show her she’s the only one. (She isn’t.)

This morning, she posted again only to him, after he saw one of her stories from what I could tell on his account. She wrote:”After the latest disappearing act from the app, I am almost at the point of wondering if the assessment I made years ago - a playboy who wouldn’t be faithful or trustworthy- could be a mistake. What if I have been wrong? I do want to be wrong.”

He has been in a good mood all day. I can’t help but think that these two events are related. See, this is how she works, she doesn’t tell him she now knows he’s worthy; she is “almost” at the point of believing. Maybe if he continues to be a good boy, she will change her mind about him. Maybe she has been “wrong” and he’s actually a man to be taken seriously! And she keeps him changing his behavior (though not really, she doesn’t know) and he jumps through hoops to get her to trust him. This is why I am now so convinced and scared that he wants her for the long-term. He may not want to stay until the boys leave for college. (They are 13 and 12, hers is 12.) What is maddening is that I have a feeling that she is in control of that. That if she were to leave her husband (she is now a real estate investor and making a boat load of money off of the pandemic, according to posts I’ve seen) that he would drop me. This is what keeps me up at night.

I do see the need for me to change the way I react to this. I know it’s stupid, but part of me still hopes that he doesn’t love her.

Edith, the problems here are too vast to discuss. I believe therapy has been suggested for you. Have you considered it?  I think it would do you a lot of good becaues it seems to me that everyone in this story has an emotionally stunted view and expectation of love. You're all like hamsters running around a wheel. You're repeating your circular worries, and your husband and his would-be AP play their little game of getting somewhere just enough to keep on playing the game. Ultimately I think they don't really want to hook up - just play the game. So everybody's ideals and expectations are immature at best. 

So while you siting around, holding your breath while all these people decide, you could at least have one visit with an attorney and talk about what you need to do in case such a thing ever does happen.. What does it hurt to have a few ducks in row. Being left high and dry without a job or income would be far worse. 

Your husband is a selfish, narcissistic prick and I hope he is  caught, exposed and shamed in a big way.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. It must feel strange being on the outside of your marriage looking in and watching his philandering evolve, like a TV soap opera.

Do they know that you know?

[vla1120]

16 hours ago, edith said:

I do see the need for me to change the way I react to this. I know it’s stupid, but part of me still hopes that he doesn’t love her.

I am glad you realize you need to change the way you react to this, Edith. More importantly than whether or not he loves HER is the fact that, by his actions, he has not shown you that he loves YOU. Please, at the very least, you should want better for yourself. Also, as others have pointed out, is this the way you want your sons to grow up, thinking it is okay to mistreat and take advantage of women? I've always said, mothers who raise sons have one of the most important jobs in the world. Don't let your sons grow up to be like your husband. Prove to them that his behavior is not okay.

[edith]

Yes, I know my reaction needs to change. And no, they don’t know that I found out 10 years ago, shortly after they met for oral sex. 
 

We had a quiet Thanksgiving and yesterday she posted a story he saw. It was just a picture of her. (It shows when the story has been viewed.) He hasn’t been to their messaging app since Monday! Which he knows is what she prefers. But he’s been doing something different: Over the past week and a half, he has been unfriending certain women on Facebook. His friend count kept going down, so that’s how I could tell. (So can she, if she checks.) I was able to identify two of te women he unfriendly, and they were short affairs. I can’t help but think that he’s doing this to again seem more trustworthy to her. He now has only a handful of “obvious bimbos” on his Facebook.

Here’s what I’m struggling with: Is there any chance at all that he’s not in this for a long-term relationship in the future with her? I know just the sheer longevity of this affair is different, which is the reason for my worry, but do you guys think there’s any chance that he just wants to get her into bed because he never has? That he’s not serious about her? Every time I’m tempted to think this, I remember that he has spent the past 6 weeks changing his online behavior to suit her. But maybe he’s just that persistent.

I will confront him about her, in particular. I don’t think I need to disclose the other affairs. I will be seeing another lawyer the week before Christmas. 

Edited November 28, 2020 by edith

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, edith said:

Is there any chance at all that he’s not in this for a long-term relationship in the future with her?

Yes I do.  If it was just for sex he would have given up along time ago.  No man waits that long for a random piece of ass.  

[princessaurora]

He only loves himself. He wants her because he can't have her.  Once he gets her he'll lose interest quick. That is my true belief. But he will then find another conquest to latch onto because that's who he is. He loves a challenge  it excites him. If you have any self respect left, use it to walk away. Do you really want to spend your life like this worrying about what he's doing with this other woman and/or all the others?  This will never stop because you won't even confront him about it. I'm not trying to be mean, ,but the life you're living is sad and pathetic Only you can change it though, and you need to do so for yourself and your sons.  

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Edith, I'm stopping by to try to help you recognize a very damaging pattern in your thinking. You are desperately looking for excuses to not see the truth by obsessing on one facet of your husband's affair. Once that facet proves contrary to your desires (by countless posters here repeating the same opinion confirming your fears), you switch to another facet, as follows.

1. You obsessed on whether or not he only is interested in sleeping with her because he hasn't. Once others ad infinitum confirmed your fear that it goes deeper than that for her, you switched to another facet.

2. You obsessed on whether he loves her. Once others ad infinitum confirmed your fear that it goes deeper than that for her, you switched to another facet.

3. You obsessed on whether he's trying to prove his supposed loyalty/commitment/desire to have a permanent relationship with her.

and on and on and on.

Do you see what you're doing to yourself? You are emotionally abusing yourself by refusing to deal with the real issue here, which is something about your own lack of a sense of worthiness of love and authenticity. You are running from yourself by obsessing on this. You are living in a hell of your own making. 

Don't you think perhaps it's time to stop running from yourself, and get into therapy now?

This is your second thread of over 30 pages of people repeating the same thing to you over and over, right? Your problem now is not so much your husband, it's your refusal to face your own inner demons. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get into therapy already. 

Wishing you and your kids the best!

Edited November 29, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typos

[BaileyB]

On 11/28/2020 at 12:53 PM, edith said:

Over the past week and a half, he has been unfriending certain women on Facebook. His friend count kept going down, so that’s how I could tell. (So can she, if she checks.) I was able to identify two of te women he unfriendly, and they were short affairs. I can’t help but think that he’s doing this to again seem more trustworthy to her.

What does it say to you edith that you believe that your husband is unfriending women on Facebook so that he will appear trustworthy to the one woman he has been having an emotional affair with for the past ten years. Where do you fit in this story? 

[princessaurora]

This is such a sad situation. You're wasting your life away, Edith.  I don't know what else anyone can say  to make you understand that. 

Edited November 30, 2020 by princessaurora
Grammar

[Prudence V]

On 11/28/2020 at 6:53 PM, edith said:

Here’s what I’m struggling with: Is there any chance at all that he’s not in this for a long-term relationship in the future with her? I know just the sheer longevity of this affair is different, which is the reason for my worry, but do you guys think there’s any chance that he just wants to get her into bed because he never has? That he’s not serious about her? Every time I’m tempted to think this, I remember that he has spent the past 6 weeks changing his online behavior to suit her. But maybe he’s just that persistent.

Edith, would it make the remotest difference, in the larger scheme of things? That if he somehow (unlikely as it seems) really was just fixated on nailing her, that that would make the slightest difference? 
 

If he wants a LTR with her, and convinces her he’s for real, can be trusted, etc and she says OK - where does that leave you? 
 

If he’s just after the chase, and she keeps him on a string as she’s been doing for more than a decade already - where does that leave you? 
 

The only “happy-ever-after” shot you have here, and it’s a remote one, is if he convinces her, she gives in, he nails her, one of them loses interest... and he doesn’t leave you. Those are really poor odds to be staking your life on, especially as there’s no guarantee that even if that happened he’d return to you in any meaningful way, that he wouldn’t  still hanker for her, that he would fall rabidly in love with someone else and go through the whole circus with that next person, leaving just where you are now. 
 

Is it at all a chance you’re willing to stake you, and your kids’ futures on? 

On 11/28/2020 at 6:53 PM, edith said:

I will confront him about her, in particular. I don’t think I need to disclose the other affairs. I will be seeing another lawyer the week before Christmas. 

This is encouraging. When are you planning on confronting him, and what are your plans for how you’ll react to his response? 

[vla1120]

On 11/28/2020 at 1:53 PM, edith said:

We had a quiet Thanksgiving and yesterday she posted a story he saw.

So, you had a "quiet" Thanksgiving, but clearly not a peaceful Thanksgiving for you because you had to check social media and spend the rest of the day evaluating what you learned in regards to whether he is serious about this woman, or just wants to nail his longest-ever conquest. How many more holidays will you let this "man" destroy your inner peace? Do you even have an idea of what inner peace would look like, at this point Edith?

[merrmeade]

Edith, can anyone answer this question with any certainty? Or at least in a way that would satisfy you? The question is about what this other person, as described by you, feels, thinks, wants. All the anecdotes you give us could be interpreted either way. How the hell are a bunch of internet strangers supposed to figure out an answer to your question?

That's one thing - that there's just never going to be definitive answer - but the other is, what about what he's done to your marriage with his casual flings? You do realize, don't you, that most of the people that show up here are trying to recover from a casual fling that they discovered their spouse was having. That is their bottom line, the worst thing their spouses could have done to them. Think about that for a minute.

I have a question: I'm curious to know what you did the very first time you discovered your husband was having or had just had a ONS?

Edited December 4, 2020 by merrmeade

[edith]

I have thought about where I stand with him nonstop since finally agreeing that he must have feelings for her. I see a lawyer in two weeks to try to sort out a possible scenario for the business. He’s been in good spirits lately. I am now considering simply serving him with divorce papers, instead of setting ground rules that would accept his cheating. I am hurt and demoralized that he would allow himself to fall in love with someone else.

I understand that leaving is the best choice long-term. But just like when I first realized he was actively cheating (3 years into our marriage, we’ve been married for 15 years), I feel hopeless that I can ever win him back completely. And I can’t help but think that he might actually try to make this woman leave her husband for him. That would destroy me. 

He continues to look at her stories on Facebook. He continues to stay away from the messaging app. She said once that Christmas was their “anniversary “ so I fully expect that he will contact her some time soon. She is going to spend the winter down South, leaving after Christmas - so he might try to get her to see him before she leaves. I fear this.

It is a new feeling for me to consider that he emotionally wants someone else. I still sometimes tell myself he’s not actively pursuing her, so it shouldn’t bother me. But I know he thinks about her. 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, edith said:

 I see a lawyer in two weeks to try to sort out a possible scenario for the business. He’s been in good spirits lately. I am now considering simply serving him with divorce papers, instead of setting ground rules that would accept his cheating.

This is the only thing left to do to maintain your sanity and the rest of your life.  None of the other things you said matter because you know and have known for a long time that your husband wants this woman and is a cheater who has had numerous affairs with other women and isn't going to stop until he's old, gray, impotent and in bad health.  At that point he will come home to you to take care of him until death.  This is what these type of men do while their loyal wives wait faithfully for their youth and vigor to run out.

[merrmeade]

ten characters

Edited December 6, 2020 by merrmeade

[stillafool]

On 12/5/2020 at 1:06 PM, edith said:

I am hurt and demoralized that he would allow himself to fall in love with someone else.

People can't help who they love.  If only we could.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

People can't help who they love.  If only we could.

No, but it’s not like he has no responsibility here. He may have developed feelings for this woman - call them what you may, infatuation or love - but he made the decision to act on it (even if only by sending a text). 
 

edith, I can’t help but think of the famous quote by Maya Angelou - “When people show you who they really are, believe them.” Your husband may have provided a home for you and your children, perhaps he is even sometimes “present” in this home with you all... but there is another side to this man. He is ALSO a man who has had numerous extramarital affairs including a long term “relationship” with one woman. He has lied to you and your children, he has betrayed your marriage time and again, he has taken time away from the family to engage in these affairs... This is the man to whom you are married. He has shown you who he is - the big question becomes, what are you going to do about it other than complain... accept it, and make your peace with the fact that this is who he is... or leave.