I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[edith]

Northeast U.S.. No, I’m not from another culture! I just want to know if my husband is in love with someone else and if he’s biding his time until he can be with her in a real relationship. I honestly don’t know what to make of these latest developments. You guys always give me such perspective. My head is a confusing place, so I need external input from people who aren’t involved. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that he’s trying to appear trustworthy to her. 

[Indigo Night]

On 5/13/2021 at 12:59 PM, edith said:

Northeast U.S.. No, I’m not from another culture! I just want to know if my husband is in love with someone else and if he’s biding his time until he can be with her in a real relationship. I honestly don’t know what to make of these latest developments. You guys always give me such perspective. My head is a confusing place, so I need external input from people who aren’t involved. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that he’s trying to appear trustworthy to her. 

You've had years of people telling you that you cannot trust your husband. You will never actually take any advice given here, which you've proven repeatedly.

Most people just write in a journal to clear their thoughts. Instead you come here and keep getting the same basic advice. Do you not have any friends to talk to? Or did they all stop listening after a decade?

I really am curious why you are so intent on airing your dirty laundry, with absolutely zero intention of changing anything you do.

 

[Prudence V]

On 5/13/2021 at 8:59 PM, edith said:

I just want to know if my husband is in love with someone else and if he’s biding his time until he can be with her in a real relationship.

Perhaps he considers what he has with her already, “a real relationship”. She occupies more of his headspace than do you, even if his body is at home with you. 
 

If that’s enough for you, then just accept that you have his body, even if she has his heart and mind, and enjoy your marriage on those terms. And if it’s not enough for you, you know what to do. 

[edith]

I know, but I think I’m at the last frontier where I know I’d confront him if I were sure he’s planning to leave me for her if she ever wants him. He is up to his old tricks - hasn’t opened the app he uses with only her since Sunday. It was the same thing he did when she told him she always wondered if absence from the app meant the absence of other women in his life. (Because I don’t exist, right?) But then I think that it’s too far-fetched and if he really wanted her, he’d be reaching out to her. My gut feeling is that he’s trying to show her there’s no one else, other than her, and if he’s doing that, it’s because he wants her to trust him. And if he wants her to trust him, it means that her moving away - which happened last week! - won’t change anything at all.

If I do think he really is planning a life with her, instead of just an affair about oral sex, I absolutely would leave him, and fast. Am I just blind? I’m so tired of wondering.

[BaileyB]

I would definitely leave my husband if he was planning a life with another woman. 

I would also leave my husband if he was a serial cheat. That’s an absolute dealbreaker for me. 

I do not understand why your husband has to literally have his bags packed to start a new life with another woman for you to consider leaving the man... at that point, it’s too late. 

Edited May 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[Indigo Night]

4 hours ago, edith said:

Am I just blind? I’m so tired of wondering.

You're not blind. You know exactly what he's doing. You've just decided to put up with it, and vent about it in here. For over a decade. 

You'll never leave him. He won't leave you for her, either. He seems to enjoy the game to much, and she hasn't offered to leave her husband for him. 

Why you put up with it is beyond me, and a lot of other people here. 

[vla1120]

16 hours ago, edith said:

Am I just blind? I’m so tired of wondering.

You're not blind, but you do seem to feel comfortable wearing blinders. If I were you, I'd be exhausted from wondering. There are things you do not have to wonder about, however. For me, those things are deal breakers. I would hate to see you, after all these years and all this distinct knowledge that you have of his indescretions, be totally blind-sided when/if he leaves you for her. I would have been gone long ago, Edith. But this is your life and your decision. I still wonder, however, what toll this has taken on you mentally and physically. 

[edith]

But is a life with her what he’s driving at, though? What if he’s just trying to manipulate her? Then I can handle his sexual indiscretions.

[Crazelnut]

Edith, just stop. Stop asking the same questions over and over. Our answers never change, and you never change anything about your thinking or your actions. I don't understand why you continue to post here. It seems pointless.

[spiritedaway2003]

17 hours ago, edith said:

But is a life with her what he’s driving at, though? What if he’s just trying to manipulate her? Then I can handle his sexual indiscretions.

Maybe I'll come at it from another angle.  Does it really matter if he's trying to manipulate her?  Does it even happen if he wants a life with her?   There were too many missed opportunities and jealousies on their end.  He might want her, but she's never going to want to be with him.  He's not a safe bet for her.  Does this help ease your mind a bit? 

It doesn't solve the problem that your husband has roving eyes.  Would  your husband would eventually leave for a great love?  Who knows. It's your guess as well as anyone's.  I'm sorry to say that there is an emotional component to an affair of that length.  If you're really ok with all of this, then all the questions will stop.

Good luck.

Edited May 27, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[jspice]

Have you considered that the only reason he’s still with you is that he won’t find another job due to being an embezzler?

 

 

[Prudence V]

53 minutes ago, jspice said:

Have you considered that the only reason he’s still with you is that he won’t find another job due to being an embezzler?

 

 

Or, another woman who’s prepared to put up with being treated as poorly as he treats edith. Even this long-time OW seems to have higher standards for what she’s prepared to accept from him than edith does - he knows he’d have to up his game to have a chance with her, whereas edith will accept anything from him.

[Indigo Night]

On 5/26/2021 at 11:39 AM, edith said:

But is a life with her what he’s driving at, though? What if he’s just trying to manipulate her? Then I can handle his sexual indiscretions.

As long as this game has been being played, why not just simply accept that he is trying to manipulate her, and look there other way when he cheats on you.

It's been working for you this long, why change it now!

 

[edith]

I know, it sounds like I’m asking the same question, but I’m not. I agree that there must be some involvement for them to be doing this for 13 years, and not having seen each other for 8 years. Last night, he checked the app he uses with her at 2:40 in the morning. He was in bed with me. Now, either he’s trying to send her a message that he was thinking about her that late at night - he’s not talking to anyone else on that app - or he’s not worried that she might think he was talking to someone.

She posted a song for him on FB on Thursday, that I saw, and he checked the app a few minutes later. So even though she’s moved away, she’s still “into him”. Or should I just say “in love” with him? This does scare me. Because if he can convince her that she’s the only one, she might actually leave her husband. But then again, a man who checks an app at 2:00 in the morning isn’t that concerned about whether or not he’s seen as faithful. If anyone has any other insight on what this could mean, I’m all ears.

Lastly, he’s not with me because he can’t get a job. He has had one or two jobs as a consultant since 2015, a few months after he was fired, in addition to helping me run the business. He works for two companies right now. 
 

Instead of worrying about whether or not she means something to him, now I am worried that he might actually leave. This year, our sons will be 14 and 13. It will hurt if he just leaves me outright, but it will hurt more if he leaves me for her. I keep trying to assess the risk based on his behavior, and that’s why I come here. I don’t trust my own perspective.

[pepperbird2]

OP,

I say this gently- maybe instead of spending so much mental energy trying to figure him out, why don't you focus on yourself and why you choose to stay. He's not treating you with any respect...why do you put up with that? What makes him worth it? What are you getting out of staying and all the associated drama? Does part of you enjoy the drama and sense of "competition" with his OW?

[Pumpernickel]

Why not tell him what you know, ask him what’s up between the two of them, and then hear what he has to say? Much better than all the unhealthy snooping. And then - After that conversation, I would divorce him. Now that would be an elegant exit he’ll never forget. 

Edited May 29, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[stillafool]

37 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Why not tell him what you know, ask him what’s up between the two of them, and then hear what he has to say?

Forget it.  We've been telling Edith to confront her husband for years but she prefers to snoop on him and never say anything for fear she will lose him.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, edith said:

I keep trying to assess the risk

Yup. The primary thing she is worried about is that her unfaithful husband will leave her to pursue another relationship. As long as that doesn’t happen, she is content to continue with the status quo.

[Prudence V]

20 hours ago, edith said:

..there must be some involvement for them to be doing this for 13 years...This year, our sons will be 14 and 13.

He’s been doing this the entire life of your sons. Doesn’t this tell you something, edith? 
 

And I’m sure it’s teaching your sons something, too. This is “normal” to them - they’ve never seen a healthy relationship. I hope you’re on hand when their own relationships implode and their hearts shatter, to tell them nothing matters about how they’re treated as long as their partner’s body is still lying about the house. 😢

[edith]

10 hours ago, Prudence V said:

He’s been doing this the entire life of your sons. Doesn’t this tell you something, edith? 
 

What is it supposed to tell me? About his involvement? Feelings? I honestly don’t know. Is time the only factor? 

[edith]

On 5/29/2021 at 10:14 AM, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

I say this gently- maybe instead of spending so much mental energy trying to figure him out, why don't you focus on yourself and why you choose to stay. He's not treating you with any respect...why do you put up with that? What makes him worth it? What are you getting out of staying and all the associated drama? Does part of you enjoy the drama and sense of "competition" with his OW?

Yes, competition is definitely a part of it. On the one hand, I’m winning because he’s still with me. And if I could understand that he only wants her for sex, then that would mean that he hasn’t drifted from me, because she wouldn’t mean anything. I do want him to choose me, not her.

[assertives]

16 hours ago, edith said:

Yes, competition is definitely a part of it. On the one hand, I’m winning because he’s still with me. And if I could understand that he only wants her for sex, then that would mean that he hasn’t drifted from me, because she wouldn’t mean anything. I do want him to choose me, not her.

I mean.. only you think you are winning becos only you think your husband is a prize. 

On 4/29/2021 at 12:39 AM, edith said:

When you texted me again, in November, asking me if I wanted a job, I did not respond. I couldn’t do that to my husband, not to mention that it would have been a clear choice between staying married or working for you, and after what you did hiring that bimbo, you obviously couldn’t be trusted. I wasn’t going to put my marriage on the line because of my feelings for you anymore.

 

I still feel the same way today. I like thinking about you, I’m flattered to know that you probably still think of me, but my husband is pretty incredible. And he loves me; you do not.

The OW clearly knows your husband is not a prize. It seems she sees her husband as the prize for her. She's not in a competition with you for your husband. 

You need to make your decisions and plan your next steps based on what kind of life you want to lead and what kind of marriage want for yourself. And not base it on what your husband does or doesn't do. Frankly, I struggle to understand why do you even obsessively track your husband's communications. You already know he is cheating both emotionally and physically. It's a given at this point, it comes with his DNA. You've already decided you will stay regardless, you might as well just learn to tolerate it and make backup plans for in case one day he does leave for someone else whether it's for this woman or not.

Edited May 31, 2021 by assertives

[edith]

He reached out to her again yesterday. It was a holiday! I was busy with work stuff, but it’s not like he was neglected.

He had gone to “their app” at 2:00 in the morning from Friday to Saturday, then did not log on until 8:00 yesterday morning. On Sunday, I saw from his account that she had posted a love song for him, to which he usually replies by visiting said app. He didn’t. After he looked at the app yesterday morning, she posted on FB for him:”I was just thinking to myself how I was about to ignore you for a week because you ignored me for two days, it’s as if you knew 😂 I know I’m turning 40, but I’m not very mature when it comes to you.”

She’s  talking about how he once ignored her everywhere for 12 days, because she posted about how “incredible “ her husband was. But something has changed: instead of thinking his late-night view on the app was him talking to other women, he saw his absence as “ignoring” her. 
Then a couple of hours after she posted that, he texted her on the app. She just replied “Hey” hours later, and he said “Hello there, young lady.” She didn’t reply, so 10 minutes later he wrote “I want to f*** your mouth with my big hard c***!”. This made me laugh.: she just replied “Can we chatty later? I’m going out now”. He just said Ok. Later last night, she sent him a dirty text and he did not reply! This gave me hope, because he’s just ignoring her again.

Then I checked the logs and he did go to the app  last night at 2 something again! He was not talking to anyone. He just wanted her to see that he was on it late last night.

He went back to the app this morning, and again he’s not talking, he’s just checking in her. The app opens to their conversation. Someone help me understand why would he text her when he doesn’t want to have an affair with her? Am I right to think that this doesn’t mean anything, it’s just manipulation? I know you guys say he’s “involved” or whatever, but I think my theory is beginning to pan out. Now that she’s moved away, he doesn’t need contact with her. I swear I’m not dense, I just don’t know how to move forward because confronting him about her seems pointless.

I do agree I need to make contingencies in case he leaves me for someone else, because I don’t think it will be for her.

[vla1120]

@edith I am curious about what your day-to-day life looks like with your husband. Based on how attractive you've said your husband is, I suspect you are an attractive woman and could probably easily attract another man who would fawn all over you and make you their number one priority, and yet, you seem content with the crumbs of attention your husband throws to you while he is entertaining thoughts of another woman. I wonder why you settle for this relationship with your husband. You are (seemingly) a successful business woman - independent - intelligent - so why do you settle for him? Why? Also, aren't you concerned about the example you are setting for your sons? How exposed are they to the shabby way their father treats their mother? Is this how you want them to treat women when they get older? They are getting to an age, now, where they will start to have relationships with girls. I wonder how those girls will be treated. As a mom with all daughters, I've always felt that moms with sons have a VERY important job to do - to TEACH their sons how to properly treat a girl/woman. I know you would not want your sons treating a woman the way your husband treats you. Your continued acceptance of this situation is sending your young, impressionable sons the wrong message, Edith.

[stillafool]

 

19 hours ago, edith said:

He went back to the app this morning, and again he’s not talking, he’s just checking in her. The app opens to their conversation. Someone help me understand why would he text her when he doesn’t want to have an affair with her?

Of course he wants an affair with her.  She isn't around to do it physically.  He pulled back on the contact when she said she was going out. He was jealous because she was spending time with her husband.  You do realize that one day your kids will be grown and off to college and off on their own.  I imagine he will divorce you at that point Edith and it will probably be the best thing that could happen to you and allow you to have a life.  Right now he's got it made.  He gets to see/talk to other women, have a cook/maid and babysitter, and still having his kids under his roof.  Cheaper and easier to keep you at this point.

Edited June 2, 2021 by stillafool