I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, edith said:

If he wants a relationship with her, why doesn’t he continue the dirty talk? I

How much dirtier do you want him to get Edith?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 5/8/2021 at 1:56 PM, edith said:

You are absolutely correct. I want his emotional fidelity. And I can’t figure out if I have it as far as this OW is concerned. I know I’ve never worried about any of his previous OWomen.

I'm not sure your husband feels any emotions for anyone other than himself. Not sure if that answers anything for you. 

[Wiseman2]

Have you asked him about that threesome yet?

[torn_heart]

Since you don't care about what he does, and really, spying like this on him is not good for your health, have you thought on maybe changing this into an open marriage? It would be healthier. No more lies and no more spying.

The OW might not like it, but I'm sure your husband would like the idea and try to convince her.

 

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you asked him about that threesome yet?

That would be an interesting twist!

You should write a novel edith. An erotic novel about love and infidelity - with all this dirty talk! 

[edith]

Obviously, I don’t want him to get dirty. I want him to stop reaching out to her. All I want to know is if the fact that he won’t continue the dirty talk means that he is not serious about her. Because if that’s what it means, then I don’t have to worry about his wanting to marry her. That’s all. But by all means, do continue to make jokes and waste space at my expense.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, edith said:

But by all means, do continue to make jokes and waste space at my expense.

Sorry Edith but people have had the patience of Saints with you.  Why not tell your husband you want an open marriage and you might see a complete change in him when he sees you dressed to the nines and knowing it isn't for him but someone else.  He may get jealous and direct his attention to you.  There are so many moves you can make if you would try something different than snooping.  Apparently the faithful, little wife at home isn't cutting it for him.

Edited June 10, 2021 by stillafool

[torn_heart]

5 minutes ago, edith said:

Obviously, I don’t want him to get dirty. I want him to stop reaching out to her. All I want to know is if the fact that he won’t continue the dirty talk means that he is not serious about her. Because if that’s what it means, then I don’t have to worry about his wanting to marry her. That’s all. But by all means, do continue to make jokes and waste space at my expense.

It's no joke. I do think that given that you know a lot and you want to know much more spying on him it would be healthier for you to have an open marriage. 

[S2B]

You won’t change him.

you can only change your actions to change this… like filing for divorce.

but I doubt you will do anything to change it.

[jspice]

2 hours ago, edith said:

Obviously, I don’t want him to get dirty. I want him to stop reaching out to her. All I want to know is if the fact that he won’t continue the dirty talk means that he is not serious about her. Because if that’s what it means, then I don’t have to worry about his wanting to marry her. That’s all. But by all means, do continue to make jokes and waste space at my expense.

The only ones making a joke of you are you and your husband. 
 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, edith said:

I want him to stop reaching out to her.

I want my partner to stop complaining - it doesn’t mean it will happen. I have no control over his behavior, just as you have no control over your husband’s behavior. The fact that you would even make this statement shows how unreasonable your expectations are - it’s been 10+ years and they are still at it. How long are you going to wait and hope? If you don’t like it, you have another decision you can make. 

3 hours ago, edith said:

All I want to know is if the fact that he won’t continue the dirty talk means that he is not serious about her. Because if that’s what it means, then I don’t have to worry about his wanting to marry her. That’s all.

This has been the topic of discussion for years now - you have just changed your question from “does the fact that he continues to communicate with her mean they have an emotional connection” to “does the fact that he engages in dirty talk with the woman mean that he wants to marry her.” Which I must say, is a ridiculous question to ask and a ridiculous association to make! If you don’t want people to joke about your marriage, stop posting the x-rated play by play sexting discussions that you gather by spying on your husband and his affair partner. 

At what point are you going to understand - just because you don’t like the answer offered by quite literally everyone who has contributed to this discussion doesn’t mean that it’s not true.

Edited June 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, edith said:

 I want him to stop reaching out to her. 

Wait. Does he know that you know? 

[lana-banana]

Your husband has been unable to stop engaging this woman for more than a decade, even after she moves far away. What more proof could you possibly need?

[Prudence V]

13 hours ago, edith said:

All I want to know is if the fact that he won’t continue the dirty talk means that he is not serious about her.

Edith, are you familiar with the expression “clutching at straws”? Because that’s what this is. 
 

Taken on its own merits, it could mean many things:

• That he is serious about her (and doesn’t want to reduce their R to “just” sexting); 
• That he isn’t serious about her, and loses interest;
• That he has a short attention span with low “object permanence”;
• That he is very serious about her, and has a strategy of intermittent reinforcement to keep her hooked;
• That she is a game to him;
• That he is a game to her;
• That he knows you are watching like a hawk and he enjoys winding you up;
• etc, etc, etc….

But this particular incident doesn’t exist on its own. It’s part of a pattern stretching back more than a decade, well documented on these pages. It’s a bit like asking if a headache could kill you, when the headache is merely one symptom of Covid19, and Covid19 can certainly kill you but you’re choosing to ignore the rest of the symptoms or acknowledge that it’s Covid19 - you just want to focus on the headache because you’re hoping that if you take enough paracetamol, the headache will go away and the rest of the Covid19 infection will disappear with it. 
 

It won’t. 
 

And I think you recognise that, however much you’d like to pretend that’s not the case. 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/24/2018 at 8:34 AM, edith said:

I can’t figure out if I should count my husband as emotionally involved with her, or if she’s just sex like the others.

He's a chronic philanderer? Maybe it's splitting hairs to worry about messaging when he runs around, no?

[Beentheretoooften]

Hi Edith, I think you have no worries on your H ever leaving you.   As all the posters will tell you on here, H’s never leave for their AP. So stop worrying that he will leave.   And you should be happy that he isn’t hiding it from you.  Most BS are left in the dark. Which could be considered worse.  You like to be married and the safety and how that makes you feel, and that is great that you can feel this way.  Many of the people here couldnt do that, that’s why you are getting all these negative posts.  He will never ever leave you.   And just about everyone on here will tell you the same. It doesn’t matter what he tells his ap’s, he tells them all lies to be able to continue to have sex with them. Isn't that right people?  You are in good shape and setup for the rest of your life.  Time to put this all to bed.   

[Starswillshine]

31 minutes ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Hi Edith, I think you have no worries on your H ever leaving you.   As all the posters will tell you on here, H’s never leave for their AP. So stop worrying that he will leave.   And you should be happy that he isn’t hiding it from you.  Most BS are left in the dark. Which could be considered worse.  You like to be married and the safety and how that makes you feel, and that is great that you can feel this way.  Many of the people here couldnt do that, that’s why you are getting all these negative posts.  He will never ever leave you.   And just about everyone on here will tell you the same. It doesn’t matter what he tells his ap’s, he tells them all lies to be able to continue to have sex with them. Isn't that right people?  You are in good shape and setup for the rest of your life.  Time to put this all to bed.   

Seems someone is triggered today. 

Whats going on??? 

[Indigo Night]

3 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

As all the posters will tell you on here, H’s never leave for their AP. So stop worrying that he will leave.  

My husband's second wife was his AP. So, yeah, some people do leave for their AP, and end up marrying them. It only lasted 2 years, but still. (I'm wife #3 for over 22 years)

[spiritedaway2003]

On 6/10/2021 at 6:51 PM, edith said:

Obviously, I don’t want him to get dirty. I want him to stop reaching out to her. All I want to know is if the fact that he won’t continue the dirty talk means that he is not serious about her. Because if that’s what it means, then I don’t have to worry about his wanting to marry her. That’s all. But by all means, do continue to make jokes and waste space at my expense.

Actually, edith, I don't think people are intentionally making jokes at your expense.  I certainly am not. On the contrary, they can't get their message to you and some are responding to you that way because they are frustrated. 

I said this before but all your questions will stop if you're really ok with this.   You want them to stop texting, but that can't happen because you're not supposed to be reading their texts.  You're not even supposed to know, right?   That can never be an ask unless the situation is known.  So will you make it known, or would you prefer to continue to "outlast" her?  Are you afraid that if the truth is out, you don't know what or how your husband will choose.  Is that what is scaring you?

If staying in the marriage for the sake of staying in the marriage and having him by your side (in proximity) is most important to you, then you're fine.  If you're really ok with it, then that's all that matters.

At the end of the day, none of us really has any stake in your situation.  Whether he's going to leave for her is anyone's guess.  We don't know of that outcome anymore than you do.  If I have to take a guess, I don't think he's going to leave you (I think you're the breadwinner? so he has a lot more to lose).   If that is your decision, then I suggest that you cut off the unhealthy habit of monitoring their interactions, or whomever else that eventually comes into the picture.  At least don't torture yourself this way.  If and when situation changes or gets serious, you'll know anyway.  You can't say you were blindsided.  

When it's bothersome enough that you want to make a change, then you will.  Good luck.

Edited June 12, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[S2B]

But he is serious about her if he’s been trailing her and watching every move she makes for ten years.

[edith]

Wow, thank you for all the insights. I’ll try to answer as well as I can.

It’s been 13 years, not 10 - they started their affair when her only child, and our youngest, were very young, and both boys turn 13 this year, within a month of each other. (No, her child is not my husband’s. He and this woman have never had intercourse or even been naked together. Hurried oral sex only, according to their messages.)

Yes, he’s a philanderer; I let him have sexual affairs, he doesn’t know that I know, I am bothered by his apparent emotional connection to this woman, and now worried that he will at some point leave me for her.

Unlike what Bailey said, it is not “ridiculous” to make that assumption; last week the woman clearly said she wanted to be the wife and not the girlfriend, my husband responded immediately, and even texted her a couple of days later. He even made notes about where she wanted to go on their honeymoon. They’ve never talked to each other about this, mind you - they make social media comments and then let the other know via likes, messaging apps, etc.. It is very strange. When they do talk to each other, it is sexting. This is why I think they’re both just playing games.

Prudence V often has my favorite insights, because unlike rude posters like Bailey, she is non-judgmental. That’s a perfect breakdown of what might be at work. By elimination, lack of interest doesn’t make sense, based on his lack of current affairs. If you knew how often he checks her FB page (I always check the activity log from his account), you’d be horrified, as I am. It’s almost an obsession. They haven’t seen each other in 8 years. (Yes, I’m sure.)

Something interesting has been happening. On Thursday, she posted to everyone about how her husband has been analyzing her and how strict she is becoming with her schedule in response to the change of moving away, and then she writes something about how whenever she needs to feel centered, it is always her husband who makes her feel that way, and how grateful she is to have someone who accepts her so completely. Apparently, her husband is happy to be retired (he’s 49, like my husband, the woman is younger), and is living a life without structure and obligations. She wrote she is resisting that life.

So what does my husband do?! For the past 3 days, he only checks their messaging app twice a day, at exactly the same time. Before, he’d just check it whenever, or not at all, whenever she complained that he might be talking to other women on it. Then he’d stop checking to show her she was the only one. And this is not my opinion, he wrote these things in the note I found in his phone! He actually signals her in this way, it’s his strategy. It’s insidious and disgusting to me that he spends all this time concerned with catering to her and her feelings. And for what? What is his end game?

I haven’t seen anything on his phone about it yet, but he is trying to show her how unlike her husband he is - she wants structure and routine, her husband wants her to change and be carefree like him, my husband swoops in with “Look how I am just like you, structured and organized.” Obviously, by changing his behavior instead of telling her directly. I think that for as long as he keeps this up, I am safe. Their affair won’t go anywhere.

But it’s the intent behind his actions that concerns me. He wants her to see him as a viable option to her husband. He is trying to attract her. She told him she no longer has sex with her husband, since then my husband has been obsessed with her. It’s as if her husband’s money is somehow less likely to get her to stay, and my husband thinks he now has a shot because of the sex. This is what concerns me the most, and this is why I’m assessing the risk of his leaving me for her.

[magnolia18]

Edith, I am sorry for what you are going through and how tormenting it must be for you to spend most of your time and thought on the interactions your husband has been having with another woman for 13 years now. 13 years is a long time to be obsessed with checking your husband’s and the OW’ every move and worrying whether your husband will leave you for her. Such an obsession can definitely affect one’s mental health. I think that obsessing about what your husband is doing with the other woman 24/7 for 13 years, how often he checks their app and what she posts for him and what implications every such move may have for you and your marriage has sidetracked any sense of what you actually want. I think you should sit down and really think about yourself, your needs, your wants and your place in this marriage. Do you still love you husband, in spite of his infatuation with this (and other) women and in spite of his constant sexting and dirty talking to her which you know by heart after all this time? Do you want to stay in this marriage no matter what, for your own reasons? Why are you so afraid to confront your husband and tell him what you know and ask him to tell you what is going on? Are you afraid he will choose sides and choose the OW? I really think you should sit down and really focus on yourself for once, not your husband, not the OW, as I think you have lost yourself in the process.

Also, concerning what seems to be of paramount importance to you, I really don’t think he would ever leave you for this OW, not after 13 years of game playing and 8 years of not seeing each other. There is obviously a very strong connection between them, but I think none of them would choose to leave their marriages and actually be together if it came to that. I think they enjoy playing games and living in a fantasy world together away from reality, but would never choose to make it a reality. If they did, they would have taken the necessary steps a long time ago and the fact that they are on the same wave length explains why they can keep such a bizarre long distance relationship for such a long time.

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

And you should be happy that he isn’t hiding it from you.  Most BS are left in the dark.

Edith's husband has no idea she is spying on him and knows that he is cheating not just with this one but many.  

[stillafool]

Edith if all that you say is true what you believe to be the stage their relationship has morphed into - what do you plan to do just be a sitting duck?  You don't work and your husband takes care of you maybe he would take care of her too.   You will find out what you need to know when the last child turns 18 and he will no longer be required to pay child support.  Maybe then he can afford her.  I don't think he's leaving you until then.  BTW how many years before that?

[edith]

Stillafool - I’m not surprised you don’t remember this, but I own the business my husband helps with, and he is a consultant for two companies. He doesn’t take care of me. You might be on to something with the child support payments. I don’t know. 
 

I’ll come back to answer the previous post.