I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[lovelychef87]

Oh I have been reading your story for a while-(under my forgotten old account) even replied a few times. I was hoping you'd gotten away from all of this.

[edith]

I’m sorry I’m not in a state of mind to reply to each and every post; I wish I could. I really need some clarity, and my head keeps spinning. I’ve started talking to a counselor, but after only one session, I haven’t been able to even get close to this part of this story. I do appreciate all of the insights, I do. I’m not neglecting them. I’m simply trying to cope with all of my feelings and his actions are at the forefront.

He continues to reach out to her once a week. This past Monday was the 5th week in a row. They exchange 3-4 texts, he stops replying. This past Monday, she posted something about how she loves words but falls in love with actions because they are “louder”, something like that. He texted her that afternoon. From what I’ve seen, it takes her a couple of hours to reply, but this time it was only 40 minutes. I saw the time stamp. Then he just stopped replying. He is always the one to stop replying to her. They were sexting, and he stops.

I know all of you are going to bite my head off saying I shouldn’t get my hopes up because this doesn’t mean he’s not into her, but couldn’t it be? Why would he stop replying if he wants her? At the same time, is he trying to send a message she’s not just sex and he’s resisting? He has added 25 new FB friends since Saturday, some are women, most are men. These are not super attractive women or anything. But he keeps repeating the same cycle I’ve mentioned here before: text her, add dozens of friends, stop replying. He’s still checking the messaging app they use. She stopped showing him when she was last on, which at first gave me hope, because I thought he had done it in an attempt to ignore her, but no. I researched the way it works, and she stopped showing him when she was last on the app.

I think this could be the end of them, and I know I’ve been in this place before, but if I can just wait them out, I might have a shot. He may not mean anything to anyone giving me advice, but understanding what he’s doing is so important to me. I want to think he’s just manipulating her, but I don’t want to be in denial, either. I want to see him get tired of her and come back to our marriage, without tipping my hand.

[Timshel]

14 minutes ago, edith said:

 I want to think he’s just manipulating her, but I don’t want to be in denial, either. I want to see him get tired of her and come back to our marriage, without tipping my hand.

What marriage Edith? Seriously without irony, though it seems impossible, what marriage?

Where and how did you learn that marriage is possible without communication, without respect?

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, edith said:

I’ve started talking to a counselor, but after only one session, I haven’t been able to even get close to this part of this story.

This Edith.  You need to continue going to the counselor and get to the part where you've put up with your cheating husband for years.  Tell him/her this is what you need to address.  The rest of your post is just you going around and around again with the same story.  Read back over this thread for answers.  We've answered everything at least 4 times each.

[edith]

I understand, but couldn’t it be that this time, since he’s not replying to sexting, he’s lost interest in her? What do you think the lack of sexting while still staying in touch with her mean? Manipulation, right? Not interest? Yes, I am going to be seeing the counselor twice a week. I know I need to.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, edith said:

He is always the one to stop replying to her. They were sexting, and he stops.

Maybe he had to go and clean up. Seriously. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Maybe he had to go and clean up. Seriously. 

Believe it or not that is he first thing I thought when she said that.

[edith]

Oh, Lord… No, he was sitting next to me in the family room and he had only sent one text, as I saw later. Isn’t this also proof? He’s just trying to keep her hooked? No real interest.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, edith said:

Oh, Lord… No, he was sitting next to me in the family room and he had only sent one text, as I saw later. Isn’t this also proof? He’s just trying to keep her hooked? No real interest.

Edith, if you have to ask that question after all these years…

If my partner is sexting another woman I’m going to assume that there is interest. Fidelity is not negotiable in my relationship. If he is sexting with another woman, he would have some serious explaining to do and it’s very likely that he would be out of the house… 

Edited July 1, 2021 by BaileyB

[Pumpernickel]

2 hours ago, edith said:

He has added 25 new FB friends since Saturday, some are women, most are men.

This is also weird. Who are these people? And where does he know them from? Is he adding random people? He must have 80,000 FB friends by now at that speed. What the heck is up with that?

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If my partner is sexting another woman I’m going to assume that there is interest.

What’s more, I don’t really care who “hangs up” first. The fact that he is sexting another woman is a problem. 

The fact that he is doing this while sitting next to you on the sofa is even more concerning… That shows such disrespect…

[edith]

No, I know them all, high school and college friends, from his hometown, etc.. Here’s why this is significant: she once told him she looked at his friends list and remembered if he added or deleted “bimbos”. Then he went and deleted a bunch of them. This was back in November. For the past 6 weeks, he follows the pattern of texting her, adding 25-30 friends who are not bimbos, then curbing the sexting. If I know my husband, it appears that he texts to get her to check on him online, Perl up her interest, and since it’s a large number, it draws her attention to the list. I have been keeping track and he’s done this 3 times. Since she said she needed to trust him. So on the one hand, he ignores her after texting her, but then does these things to get her to trust him. This infuriates me. When he texted her on Monday, I slept in the guest room and said I needed to work through the night. I’d checked his phone while he was in the shower. He was sending her a dirty text when I was in the room. She replied to the sexting then asked him “Are you alone?”. That’s when he didn’t reply again. I don’t know what to think. She wanted to know if I was there.

[HiCrunchy]

Oh deary, you are going to drive yourself crazy with all this mind reading. Fact is we don't know what his motivation is.

What we do know is that his actions are disrespectful. You are a person that deserves respect from ur spouse. 

Edited July 1, 2021 by HiCrunchy

[lovelychef87]

14 hours ago, edith said:

No, I know them all, high school and college friends, from his hometown, etc.. Here’s why this is significant: she once told him she looked at his friends list and remembered if he added or deleted “bimbos”. Then he went and deleted a bunch of them. This was back in November. For the past 6 weeks, he follows the pattern of texting her, adding 25-30 friends who are not bimbos, then curbing the sexting. If I know my husband, it appears that he texts to get her to check on him online, Perl up her interest, and since it’s a large number, it draws her attention to the list. I have been keeping track and he’s done this 3 times. Since she said she needed to trust him. So on the one hand, he ignores her after texting her, but then does these things to get her to trust him. This infuriates me. When he texted her on Monday, I slept in the guest room and said I needed to work through the night. I’d checked his phone while he was in the shower. He was sending her a dirty text when I was in the room. She replied to the sexting then asked him “Are you alone?”. That’s when he didn’t reply again. I don’t know what to think. She wanted to know if I was there.

Why do you keep putting up with this disrespect?

[Prudence V]

17 hours ago, edith said:

She replied to the sexting then asked him “Are you alone?”. That’s when he didn’t reply again. I don’t know what to think. She wanted to know if I was there.

That’s why he didn’t reply. He wasn’t. 

[Beentheretoooften]

On 7/2/2021 at 8:30 AM, lovelychef87 said:

Why do you keep putting up with this disrespect

Hes not leaving her ever.  If she’s ok with it, and to have him around, I don’t understand what the big deal is?

[Prudence V]

On 7/1/2021 at 8:52 PM, edith said:

couldn’t it be that this time, since he’s not replying to sexting, he’s lost interest in her?

Only if his only interest in her was “just sex”. 
 

So a bit of a circular argument, I’m afraid. If he stopped sexting with her because he lost interest in her - his interest in her was “merely sexual” all along, ie the kind of interest you’re happy to tolerate. 
 

If, however, he stopped sexting for other reasons, his interest in her is something else - something more - the kind of thing you’re not so happy to tolerate (but do still tolerate, nonetheless). 
 

So either you’re correct, it was nothing all along and you’ve wasted 13 years of your life fixating on “mere sex” and he’s finally lost interest in “mere sex” and you can stop worrying about his phone, or it’s something more, it always was, and at some point this could all explode horribly for you. 
 

Pick one, and act accordingly. 

[stillafool]

On 7/3/2021 at 12:25 PM, Beentheretoooften said:

Hes not leaving her ever.  If she’s ok with it, and to have him around, I don’t understand what the big deal is?

Yeah, we've told her this over and over to just accept that this is happening and to go on with her life and stop the snooping but as you can see - no dice.

[lovelychef87]

On 7/3/2021 at 11:25 AM, Beentheretoooften said:

Hes not leaving her ever.  If she’s ok with it, and to have him around, I don’t understand what the big deal is?

It she is okay with it. Or else why have almost  50 pages  showing  her not okayness. 

[lovelychef87]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yeah, we've told her this over and over to just accept that this is happening and to go on with her life and stop the snooping but as you can see - no dice.

I think  she gonna  go crazy  over  it. He won't  stop and she won't  either. 

[Beentheretoooften]

On 7/5/2021 at 3:25 PM, lovelychef87 said:

On 7/3/2021 at 12:25 PM, Beentheretoooften said:

 

It she is okay with it. Or else why have almost  50 pages  showing  her not okayness

50 pages of ppl telling her to do something about.   Clearly she’s cool with the situation.  50 pages of solid, sound advice.  Peeps just need to stop telling her stuff.  

[lovelychef87]

11 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

50 pages of ppl telling her to do something about.   Clearly she’s cool with the situation.  50 pages of solid, sound advice.  Peeps just need to stop telling her stuff.  

Your probably  right. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

4 hours ago, edith said:

because I knew it would show this oW he can’t be trusted

This is the most ironic thing written by a BS about her WS that I've ever read on LS (or anywhere).

This sort of comment wouldn't surprise me if it came from OW about BS, but the other way around? Sheesh!!

Edith, you realize you're expecting this other woman to realize your H isn't a prize because he's untrustworthy, yet you are all too eager to have him for yourself so she can't have him, right? It's so strange that you see this as she wouldn't want someone so untrustworthy while you would. It's like you think her standards are higher than yours! And she's one of the cheaters! You think a cheater's standards are higher than yours. Wow!

Don't you think it's time for you to raise your standards, Ediths? Why do you believe you deserve so very little?

[stillafool]

Yawn, nothing new here Edith, they are still doing what they've always done and you're still saying what you always say.

[vla1120]

Edith, clearly the two of them enjoy their stupid little cat and mouse game. I mean, who has time to check how many new friends he's added and who they are? Who takes the time to strategically add/remove FB friends to try to impress the OW? Their "relationship" is based largely on their behavior on social media. She stops showing him her app activity, then shows him again, and posts a "Good boy" meant for him. If I didn't know better, I'd think we were talking about middle school children, here. I really do not understand your continued acceptance of this situation. You must feel like you're on a nightmarish rollercoaster ride. Your nerves must be shot! Regardless of all the ignored advice everyone has given you, I'd walk away for the simple fact that they act like star-crossed puppy-loving teenagers with their silly social media games. I'd rather be married to a grown man (who doesn't cheat) and if your husband were my only option, I'd rather be single.

Edited July 8, 2021 by vla1120