I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[HadMeOverABarrel]

4 hours ago, vla1120 said:

You are enough.

Such a kind statement 💜

[HadMeOverABarrel]

4 hours ago, vla1120 said:

What I cannot figure out is what his end game is

I'm interested in this, too. I hope others will weigh in with their ideas. 

[Xerad]

On 7/28/2021 at 5:05 AM, Prudence V said:

She wouldn’t be; she’s married herself. 

Married women do have affairs with married men and post on LS.

[Prudence V]

3 hours ago, Xerad said:

Married women do have affairs with married men and post on LS.

I’m well aware. But given this particular situation and its evolution over 13 years, as well as the communications edith has reported between the two, I do not think this woman fits the profile of the “typical” MOW who posts on LS. 

[edith]

Good, then I’m not the only one. That is also what I’ve been trying to figure out in order to protect myself, what his end game might be.

 

Things have changed a bit over the past few days. She hadn’t posted a “story” in 3 months, since he first reached out to her directly. I think she started again over the weekend. He’s been watching every story right away, because I can tell it’s been watched when I check his account. Nothing new there.

 

But she seems to be trying to increase their intimacy, or test how involved he is, because she just posted a video about CPTSD for him with the following: “Maybe I’m sharing too much, but since you might think I’m playing games with you, I want you to know that I’m not. I am recovering from something called Complex-PTSD, which is the result of witnessing prolonged trauma in early childhood. Mine is relatively mild, but I resist emotional intimacy with my husband, and I do the same with you. Learning how to trust is especially difficult. I constantly expect to get hurt, to be taken by surprise, or to be traumatized in some other way. I cycle between idealizing and then villainizing you. When I told you “It’s not about you at all”, this is what I meant. I am only telling you about it on the off-chance that I’m right, and this isn’t really about sex anymore.”

 

Is it just me, or is she just making it clear she knows it’s not just sex for him? It’s clear to me that she has feelings for him. How deep those run, I don’t know. But it makes me furious that since she posted this yesterday, he’s been on the messaging app checking on her and watching all of her stories. He did add one FB friend this morning. I didn’t have time to check and see if it was a woman. Maybe I was wrong about the FB count, which makes me feel better.

 

How do I neutralize her? His response to pay even more attention after she discloses something serious like a mental disorder of some sort, tells me that he’s more involved than he seems. I think Prudence might be right. If she meant nothing, he wouldn’t care about what she reads into things. I am trying so hard to focus on my role as a mother and business owner, but I feel him slipping through my fingers and there’s nothing I can do. Thankfully, I see my therapist later this week and I have been making good progress identifying behaviors that empower me. I’m not reading this all wrong, am I? After such a serious amount of self-disclosure on her part, why isn’t  he running away?

[Daisydooks]

8 hours ago, edith said:

Good, then I’m not the only one. That is also what I’ve been trying to figure out in order to protect myself, what his end game might be.

 

Things have changed a bit over the past few days. She hadn’t posted a “story” in 3 months, since he first reached out to her directly. I think she started again over the weekend. He’s been watching every story right away, because I can tell it’s been watched when I check his account. Nothing new there.

 

But she seems to be trying to increase their intimacy, or test how involved he is, because she just posted a video about CPTSD for him with the following: “Maybe I’m sharing too much, but since you might think I’m playing games with you, I want you to know that I’m not. I am recovering from something called Complex-PTSD, which is the result of witnessing prolonged trauma in early childhood. Mine is relatively mild, but I resist emotional intimacy with my husband, and I do the same with you. Learning how to trust is especially difficult. I constantly expect to get hurt, to be taken by surprise, or to be traumatized in some other way. I cycle between idealizing and then villainizing you. When I told you “It’s not about you at all”, this is what I meant. I am only telling you about it on the off-chance that I’m right, and this isn’t really about sex anymore.”

 

Is it just me, or is she just making it clear she knows it’s not just sex for him? It’s clear to me that she has feelings for him. How deep those run, I don’t know. But it makes me furious that since she posted this yesterday, he’s been on the messaging app checking on her and watching all of her stories. He did add one FB friend this morning. I didn’t have time to check and see if it was a woman. Maybe I was wrong about the FB count, which makes me feel better.

 

How do I neutralize her? His response to pay even more attention after she discloses something serious like a mental disorder of some sort, tells me that he’s more involved than he seems. I think Prudence might be right. If she meant nothing, he wouldn’t care about what she reads into things. I am trying so hard to focus on my role as a mother and business owner, but I feel him slipping through my fingers and there’s nothing I can do. Thankfully, I see my therapist later this week and I have been making good progress identifying behaviors that empower me. I’m not reading this all wrong, am I? After such a serious amount of self-disclosure on her part, why isn’t  he running away?

No, you're not reading this incorrectly at all. You are FINALLY seeing what we all see. He is emotionally invested in her.  Keep us posted on how therapy goes. Thinking of you and super proud of you 

[lovelychef87]

Edith 

Are you not  tired of all of this? 13yrs of this? Reading and trying to figure out your WH messages to this women or women? Don't you want to be able to trust your partner and not to have to be on your toes 24/7?

Don't you want to be able to rest and just live your life with love and respect from your spouse?

[lovelychef87]

8 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

No, you're not reading this incorrectly at all. You are FINALLY seeing what we all see. He is emotionally invested in her.  Keep us posted on how therapy goes. Thinking of you and super proud of you 

Exactly. Let's say he has no feelings at all sexual or emotional no feelings at all. This has been going for what-(edith) said 13yrs? that is a long time to have someone attention. 13yr the H could have been focused on his wife and two sons.

Edited August 4, 2021 by lovelychef87

[heartwhole2]

You can't neutralize her; that's outside of your control. What you can do is demand honesty and fidelity in your relationship and enact boundaries if you don't receive them.

I assume you don't want to reveal that you know that they communicate. It's possible that if you posted something that alluded to their messages where she would see it, but also kept it general enough to be something you would have posted anyway, then maybe it would spook her. But maybe it would backfire as well. Again, the only person you can control here is yourself. And you won't have a faithful and honest husband unless you make that a deal-breaker (meaning, if he can't offer you that, then you leave). 

[Daisydooks]

2 hours ago, lovelychef87 said:

Exactly. Let's say he has no feelings at all sexual or emotional no feelings at all. This has been going for what-(edith) said 13yrs? that is a long time to have someone attention. 13yr the H could have been focused on his wife and two sons.

I took a break from this site for a little while myself, and I was so saddened to come back to see not only had her H was still cheating with this woman, this thread was still active but that Edith had made ZERO forward progress in understanding any of it. Its only in the last few pages we have seen ANY growth whatsoever since she started this thread years ago. 

I am SO happy she is finally seeing what we see. They (WH/AP) havent seen one another in years, so it isnt even physical. Not even a little bit physical (currently anyway.)  Its ALL an emotional affair. He cares immensely for this woman otherwise hed have dropped her many years ago, especially considering they dont even see one another. This has been going on for 13 friggin years. That is longer than most relationships and marriages. 

Anyway, Edith, I'm super proud youre finally opening your eyes and finally seeing what we have all been seeing for years. He IS emotionally attached and this IS an emotional affair. Figuring out how YOU want the rest of your life to look is next. Dont do this for another 13 years, Girl

You are worth so much more than this horrible man you married.  He is garbage. 

[magnolia18]

Edith, I don't know what his end game is either. One thing I know for sure though, is that you do not love your husband. Any woman who loved her husband and kept reading these sexual and extremely intimate messages (in the sense that, apart from the sexting, they have a coded way of communicating that only the two of them understand) with another woman -for ....13 years- would have just stuck a knife in him or beheaded him while sleeping next to her at night...really!!! Your way of going about this whole business, spying on them all day, writing down in every little detail their interraction with one another, speculating on what every move and word may mean or not mean...it is as if you are totally detached from this situation, like watching a movie or writing a story about someone else....certainly not watching your own husband keeping an extra marital affair for 13 YEARS and doing NOTHING about it!!! This is certainly not how a woman that still loved her husband would behave. It is as if knowing his dirty little secret and spying on every move of his with the OW, gives you some sort of thrill, some sense of control over this situation. But definitely not love for your husband. So, given the fact that you are a business woman and the main money bringer in your household, I cannot help wondering WHY you are still married to him and WHY you are stuck in the corner waiting for what he may or may not do!!! If you are not staying out of love and you are not staying for the financial security, then WHY are you staying? It seems to me like this is more because of emotional insecurity, a sense that it's better to be with him than on your own and that you are unable to find someone who will love and respect you and not cheat on you. This is where you should seek the help of your therapist I think. To find it in yourself to just confront him, disclose his little secret that you are helping him keep for 13 years and throw him out with the garbage!!!

[Xerad]

Edith, I'm here to support you. It's your marriage. As long as you have protected yourself financially and you are seeing a therapist, you decide what's best for you. Do you want to confront your husband without revealing your source? 

All I see is a loser of a divorcee trying to hang on to a married man who doesn't think she's all that anymore.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

11 hours ago, Xerad said:

All I see is a loser of a divorcee trying to hang on to a married man who doesn't think she's all that anymore.

OW is also married. From OW's own words in her messages, OW is genuinely emotionally attached to Edith's husband rather than simply desperate to validate she is attractive to the opposite gender by clinging to any specimen who will give her a nod.  

[Prudence V]

On 8/3/2021 at 9:19 PM, edith said:

After such a serious amount of self-disclosure on her part, why isn’t  he running away?

Because he’s invested. 
 

On 8/3/2021 at 9:19 PM, edith said:

I am trying so hard to focus on my role as a mother and business owner, but I feel him slipping through my fingers and there’s nothing I can do.

Nothing about his behaviour, or hers, no. But not nothing at all. Focusing on your parenting and career and other aspects where you have agency is a good start. Recognising your value, your positive attributes, your desirability, is another - your inherent worth, that isn’t mirrored through how he (or anyone else) treats you. 
 

On 8/3/2021 at 9:19 PM, edith said:

I have been making good progress identifying behaviors that empower me.

Keep on with this. We’re all rooting for you! 

[SolG]

On 8/4/2021 at 6:19 AM, edith said:

That is also what I’ve been trying to figure out in order to protect myself, what his end game might be.

Edith, Have you considered that this might be his end game? After all this time, all they seem to do is continue this weird, emotionally and sexually charged electronic tete a tete.

Maybe this is all it's ever going to be - a bizarre game they continue to play that gives each of them some kind of mutual fantasy to indulge in. Maybe they do care about one another, but at this point with all the time and distance, what do they even really know about each other beyond their contrived digital manifestations?

I despair for you that you may have spent all this time dealing with angst about his end game, when it all might literally just be a game to him.

I really wish you could bolster the courage to speak to him about not just this, but all things to do with your relationship - the 13 year pen pal, his frequent need for sex and validation outside of your marriage, both of your fears and hopes. 

A relationship without truth and depth and growth and revelation can never be truly intimate. And a relationship without true intimacy, is no real loving partnership at all. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

4 hours ago, SolG said:

A relationship without truth and depth and growth and revelation can never be truly intimate. And a relationship without true intimacy, is no real loving partnership at all.

Starting with the relationship with oneself. If a person can't give this to oneself, how will said person share it with another. I think Edith avoids herself (being honest with herself, her own issues, etc.) by staying fixated on this never ending quandary between OW and her H. It's the perfect escape for Edith on a subconscious level, because while she fixates her energy and attention on them, she can avoid herself. So long as it's ongoing, she has an 'excuse' to keep that focus outside. It's classic codependent behavior of thinking that if the codependent can just change certain factors regarding someone in his/her sphere, then they can change their circumstances. Of course, we can really only change ourselves. Therapist and Edith are doing some good work with redirecting to what she wants and can do herself. I imagine it's the start of Edith's journey with developing a more intimate relationship with herself if she stays with it. H should do his own journey, but he too prefers living in his own fantasies (of sexual prowess and control).

Edited August 6, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[edith]

Guys, I may have gotten my answer. A lot has happened, but the day after the last posts on this thread, she deleted him on Facebook! I had checked and he failed to watch her story the day before. Then I checked the messaging app, and she had him blocked on there too! For weeks, I was sure that it was over. Nothing from her. He was upset de a couple of days, and I knew. She didn’t block him on FB, so he still went to her profile even though he could only see public info, since I checked his log.

 

And then she unblocked him in the messaging app, and started posting FB bios (public) with lyrics, etc. I started to grow impatient. I could see his behavior growing and he’d check on her more often. 

 

Until two days ago. I can’t understand him. He texted her saying he “loved her new pic!”. This was late on Friday, she actually replied. She said thank you and asked how he was. He said fine, that he’s very busy as usual, and he just wanted her to know that he thought she looked really hot and that she made him hard… She replied asking how he could do that with just a picture, and wondered what would happen if he saw her in person, then added that she understood, because all she could think about was sex whenever she heard from him!

 

Then he told her what I’ve been meaning to get out of him all this time. He wrote “Should I tell you how I feel when I think of you or see hot pics of you?

 

Our relationship was sexual. It is what it is. [ ]

 

Then he added a third text about all the sexual things he wanted to do to her. Now, am I right? He basically just told her she was just sex, right? 

 

Then at 1:00 in the morning, she replied with this: “As you probably expect, since you know me so well, this is going to be one of those long texts I’ve always preferred. You can’t say what you’ve just said and expect anything else. (Please refrain from rolling your eyes until you get to the end)

 

You have taught me so much, . I only know that casual sex doesn’t work for someone like me because of you. Whenever I’m in situations where other men hit on me, because I frequent circles dominated by men, I already know not to go there. Because of you, I know exactly what all of those guys want. And I know it’s not for me. The interesting thing is that I had feelings for you before I ever wanted to have sex with you, when we first met. I know that must sound unbelievable to you, but it’s the truth.

 

But, I’m not 26 anymore. I’m 40 years old. I have a son to finish raising. Being in a sexual relationship with you doesn’t just jeopardize my stability, it jeopardizes his. I could lie and say I’m in a bad marriage so that you wouldn’t think less of me, but that’s not true. I have a great husband. He doesn’t deserve an unfaithful wife. I will swallow all of my feelings until the day I die if I have to, but I won’t hurt him any more than I already have. I don’t know what my choices will be when I’m free, but for now, my feelings are irrelevant.

 

You told me something once that I’ve never forgotten. You said “Don’t let this become emotional. It’s when people have feelings that they get into trouble.” Well, I got into trouble. That’s ironic, because my main aim in life has always been to run away from trouble! It was one of the reasons why I got married so young. The single women I knew were always heartbroken, and I wanted one man, for life. I didn’t want the pain. My plan worked fine until I met you. And in the end, I couldn’t protect myself from anything. I was helpless when it came to you.

 

Still, you and I want different things, and that’s okay. I don’t want a sexual relationship. I want a relationship, and that’s not something you have to give. Not to me, anyway. I understand, and I don’t blame you for it. We just met too late. Maybe things would have been different. It makes me sad, but I’ve learned so much. That counts for something, right? I really do hope you have a wonderful life, and I wish you all the best. I really do.”

 

He read it at 3:50 in the morning! I could see how many times he opened the message - 17. He just kept te-reading it. This was Saturday morning, today is Sunday and he hasn’t replied. 

 

I wanted to come back and give you guys this closure, because obviously she doesn’t mean anything to him! My therapist is correct that I need to wean myself off of checking up on him, and I’m doing much better, but this is too much. I finally have certainty that he doesn’t care about her. That’s not how a man who is in love deals with a woman, despite his claim to “respect” her and “care about” her. Our marriage became so much better during the weeks when she went silent on him. I felt like I had him back. And now that he’s told her these things, I feel like we have a shot at working things out.

Edited September 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Pumpernickel]

No offense, but I find your husband so appalling. All this sex talk where he tells her it makes him hard just looking at her picture, and reliving their sexual encounter(s). Just gross and disrespectful. I can't even ...... He will reply to her, I am sure, and then we'll do all of this over and over again. I hope I am wrong

Edited September 19, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[edith]

I know, it grosses me out, too! But my question has been answered, correct? He obviously doesn’t have feelings for her. She posted a video link to a movie scene where the man named Jack asks his girlfriend to spend the rest of his life with him, and sure enough, he went to the messaging app as soon as he watched it last night. It turns my stomach that the other night, at almost 4:00 in the morning, he was in bed with me sleeping by his side, and he was reading and re-reading her message. I’ll admit, I’ve had doubts. But if I take his words at face value, he told her point blank that she was just sex in their “relationship “, yes? The one thing I’m struggling with is him telling her he respects her. Never, in 14 years, has he ever done that, in the thousands of emails/messages I’ve read. So I guess it could be negative. But he told her it was “physical”. I mean, how else could I read it?

[Pumpernickel]

1 minute ago, edith said:

But he told her it was “physical”. I mean, how else could I read it?

Well, one (sex/physical) doesn't exclude the other (emotional longing).

I am sure  that his daydreaming about their physical past has a strong hold on him, though, yes.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, edith said:

My therapist is correct that I need to wean myself off of checking up on him.

Agree. Does your husband know you do this?

[Pumpernickel]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Does your husband know you do this?

That would be weird. I am guessing no. 

[justbrowsing85]

I honestly don't know if I should congratulate you that you finally found what you were looking for.  Or feel sad that you seem so relived(if not excited) that you finally confirm your husband used other women for sex behind your back for a decade.  

either way, good luck continuing with your husband as you certainly need boat load of luck.  

[merrmeade]

On 9/19/2021 at 1:48 PM, edith said:

My therapist is correct that I need to wean myself off of checking up on him, and I’m doing much better,...

Huh. I'm glad you're listening to your therapist - very glad - but just for the record, we've been telling you that for months.

[Amethyst68]

I wonder if he describes your relationship the same way. After all the OW at least recognises she owes her husband more.  Your husband doesn't even seem to recognise he's married. 

I hope I'm wrong but I still think you've got more to worry about from the physical OW, especially as he gets older. 

Good luck going forward.