I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[Artdeco]

Friend of mine had a very abusive childhood, his father regularly beat him up. As he got older he kind of forgave his father, (he also had a bad upbringing). They never got that close but OK.

However he actively hated his mother.

I asked him why, since it was his father who was the abusive one, the bully, the one that did the damage. He said it was his mother's job to protect him, and she stayed silent, he couldn't forgive her for that...

 

Interesting. Seems unfair, but happens all the time. Maybe it’s because kids desire strong parents whom they know they can rely on? I believe children look up to strong parents that can protect them. Strength and firm boundaries are what they need and look for.

[RosannaTMI]

Edith, how is your everyday interaction with your husband? Except when you hide and cry. Do you carry on the usual routine? Dinners together, going out, children activities etc?

[edith]

Our routine is the same. Mostly he eats with us, but when he wants to text her, he says he’s eating dinner in his office. Our sex life has been fine until I started to believe that she means more to him than others have in the past. Tonight, I’m barely able to look at him. He knows something is wrong but won’t ask me why I’m acting like this. We both keep up with the kids’ activities so no change there. Today was difficult. The more I read their messages, the more clues there are of how he really feels about her. I know I need to keep up with our sex life so that she won’t win, but my stomach is always in knots and I can’t bring myself to be with him.

[SunnyWeather]

<snip>I know I need to keep up with our sex life so that she won’t win, but my stomach is always in knots and I can’t bring myself to be with him.

 

your stomach is in knots because it's communicating to you that you are rationalizing away something that is counter to your core values.

 

so, you think this is a contest? for what exactly? is this man, who's carrying on with another woman all this time, really such a prize worth ' winning' at the expense of losing your soul and dignity?

 

when you're ready to be authentic again, you will find the courage to step up and right what is wrong in your life.

 

i wish you the best

Edited December 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[RecentChange]

Playing a pick me dance doesn’t sound like a very pleasant way to be in a marriage.

 

How do you sleep at night knowing he makes himself available to various women, and some day might not stack up any more?

[georgia girl]

Edith,

 

What are you going to say if he asks you what’s wrong? Do you think you could ask him if he’s cheating? You don’t have to let on that you know anything. You can say that he’s felt distant and moody, eating a lot of dinners at the office and it’s scared you. You are afraid he may be cheating?

 

Maybe he would come clean and you guys would have a good, cleansing conversation and begin to fix your marriage? More likely, he will lie. But if you want to test how he feels about you, ask him if he’s cheating and then watch his texts. If he tells the OW that he has to back off as his wife suspects and/or stops reaching out or responding to her, it would indicate that he’s invested in your marriage too. Maybe it would be a foundation to build on.

[RosannaTMI]

I think it is a good plan. Indicating to him that you suspect something and something is different.

But be prepared that he will deny everything and might refuse to talk about anything. It is also unlikely that he will stop seeing her.

 

Edith you likely will face the same choice you are having right now. Can you accept and continue or start divorce.

[edith]

That sounds like a great plan. But is he really involved enough with her to keep seeing her? I go back and forth. Sometimes I think yes, other times I think she doesn’t mean anything. It would take a lot of courage for me to act suspicious. He would likely change all of his passwords and I wouldn’t be able to see anything.

[LightestofCadmiums]

That sounds like a great plan. But is he really involved enough with her to keep seeing her? I go back and forth. Sometimes I think yes, other times I think she doesn’t mean anything. It would take a lot of courage for me to act suspicious. He would likely change all of his passwords and I wouldn’t be able to see anything.

 

 

I will assume he has no idea that you know about his dalliances. Since you have no idea, why has he kept it sex only and hotels. Does he buy her extravagant, talk about mutual interests, questions that will determine if she is wife material, or goes he keep the convo all about sex, you mentioned he re routes her conversation rather quick to sexual fantasies. I do not believe he see her as gf or wife material, and is compartmentalizing her as the OW who meets him in hotels or a car for sex.

 

She becomes less enthusiastic and skips meeting, because she knows he is meeting her to use her for sex. It is obvious, from the conversations that she is attempting to make it less FB's into a full blown type love affair. He is not there, so it is time to make yourself the main character in your husband's life, before she does keep cancelling until she gets her way, and it heads in the direction that is more risky.

 

Show him some passion and fire, become seen and interesting, leave him with the children and go have some fun times (no cheating), draw up some divorce papers first and sit down with your husband with them laying out on the table, (they can be left unsigned for any length of time), and this hardly there, or barely there, on and off, 'friend who gives sporadic blow jobs,' most likely will become yesterday's news. Take some pride in your own value.

 

Draw up those divorce papers. Both would have to separate and then finalize long divorces, (very straining to both), then date, and he will likely once free, no longer want her, and join the endless supply of women on dating sites.

 

This is not a situation as was the situation with Brad Pitt in a total trance when meeting Angie, leaving immediately and never looking back.

 

I would also not consider this a long term ongoing affair with up and downs, on a continuum. She is married and not single. They have gone tremendous lengths of time not speaking or together and they have never been exclusive.

[zouz71]

IMO , since edith is keen to stay in this marriage , the best plan would be to start her reactions after she makes sure that things are not working out between her husband and OW, because once she hints cheating he will realize the source of leak of information and she will loose that weapon ; her Marriage will become more difficult as she will be in the dark .

 

 

Plus when he knows that he is exposed , he will be more determined to go into phase 2 with OW : flipping tables or at least playing the role of the victim .

 

 

My advise to you is you need to make her dump him before you confront him .

 

 

focus on either confronting the women threaten her to expose her , or making her unstable .

[stillafool]

That sounds like a great plan. But is he really involved enough with her to keep seeing her? I go back and forth. Sometimes I think yes, other times I think she doesn’t mean anything. It would take a lot of courage for me to act suspicious. He would likely change all of his passwords and I wouldn’t be able to see anything.

 

This would be a good thing so you can't snoop and keep yourself upset. It's useless to snoop because you can't or won't do anything about what you find anyway.

[LightestofCadmiums]

I give up with the advice. This thread has countless posts of advice and has went round and round in circles straight to post number 1, no changes and no point.

 

Edith, you can as a spouse, especially with children, put a remote accessed my spy or other spyware and download it on all phones and computers. The company has in its clause you can legally do this in your position.

 

It may or may not be illegal or useless to use against a spouse in court, but that is not your motive. Reading emails is not enough. You will have access to all calls, text, internet searches, and gps locations even if he shuts off these apps. Some, depending on cost allow you to turn on his cell phone mic and camera.

 

If your stance at this time is only snooping, at least go all out. At least if things do progress into a more serious affair, you will have many more paths to confront without giving up your method of snooping. Ex. "Honey, I was out getting you an anniversary gift and saw you entering " " Inn. I was curious, and when driving by many hours later your car was still there."

 

I also question if you are the betrayed spouse or the other woman, trying to sniff out how much the married man is into you, because if she were to ask on any other site, even pro cheating sites, the answers to the questions would be that she is a here or there, every 5 year, side piece and nothing more. He hardly gives her the time of day unless they speak of sexual fantasies and talks of sex acts at a hotel room. I have never read any married woman remaining so casual and neutral regarding her husband stepping out and if in a set up, as in trophy wife or gold digging, using him for the lifestyle, they usually understand he may upgrade, in a step by step fashion. Even women who have lost all desire and care for their husbands perk up, get angry, and confront their husbands if cheating and start caring, a renewal of interest.

 

I really wish more posters would join in and motivate you to believe in and start standing your own ground, knowing you have high value, standards, expectations, and boundaries and your husband needs to respect them. I disagree with disabling the other woman, because you should feel valuable enough that your husband will not be flipping tables and going spastic for this fling. This is not the definition of an 8-10 year serious long term affair. If i dated a man 5 years ago, and then we caught up 5 years later, it is ridiculous for it to be labeled dating for 5 years. And if it makes you feel better, there have been many long term affairs, that were much more involved than this one, that lead nowhere.

 

That Harvey Weinstein fellow dated and had long term affairs going for years with many types of women and never left his wife for one, but do you really respect your husband being similar in character with all his sexual flings and using women and dumping them as if yesterdays trash?

 

Your husband would gain high levels of respect for you, if you stop being his doormat and start standing up for yourself, not an overbearing crazy controlling stance, but one in which he needs to decide, make decisions, and start fighting for you. Ask the other woman since she is so enticed by your husband if her husband is available for a date and if he isn't if she is okay with him becoming your emotional tampon in an emotional affair.

Edited December 14, 2018 by LightestofCadmiums

[Amethyst68]

[]

 

OP I will say this, I believe that we set the level we allow others to treat us. Your husband blatantly disrespects you by cheating because you permit it, because you believe he is somehow so attractive he deserves to cheat. You need to raise your standards, you are the prize, he is lucky to have a loyal and true woman like you and it is time you made him aware of it!

Edited December 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Comments on moderation/banned member redacted and member moderated

[BaileyB]

I never expect he’d go looking for her so soon, the day after she blew him off? I should have listened when one of you said he’d be back in touch with her.

 

I find it hard to believe it that you thought you wouldn't contact her again. They are doing the dance, she is resisting and that only makes him want her more...

 

But, if it doesn't work out with her - I would bet money that he goes to a pub this weekend and finds a woman to have sex - only because it will ease the rejection and boost his ego. He may do it, even while pursuing this other woman...

 

I will say, your daily posts reporting what they have communicated is a bit like a daily soap opera... "and these, are the days of your life..." I don't honestly know how you are dealing with this drama, or why you would ever want to do it.

[summerdowling87]

I would like to ask you a few questions if I may?

 

1. In the 10yrs that this has been going on why haven't you told her husband in some way about this long-term affair?

-I mean you have proof right e-mails texts?

2. Let's say your children are grown and married with kids one of them came to you and said that their spouse is doing this what would you advise them to do?

3. Just curious-(don't have to answer) what is your nationality?

4. Does your family or friends know how your husband treats you?

[summerdowling87]

I am in the US, born and raised. I just have very traditional views of marriage. And my children simply will not grow up in a single parent home

 

I was raised as a Christian. So were my parents and yet my father cheated on my mother she got a divorce while it was hard for myself and my brother it didn't destroy us.

 

Don't you think your children would do better with two happy parents? Instead of one who's being hurt over and over? Children are smart they might not say a lot but they can sense a lot-(if that makes sense)

Edited December 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[carhill]

OP, relevant question. How does your interaction with and investigation of your husband manifest itself in your everyday life? When/how does this interaction/investigation take place? If you had to place a number on it, how many hours a day, or parts of hours, does it consume? Do you consider it a separate 'job'? Why or why not?

[stillafool]

I was raised as a Christian. So were my parents and yet my father cheated on my mother she got a divorce while it was hard for myself and my brother it didn't destroy us.

 

Don't you think your children would do better with two happy parents? Instead of one who's being hurt over and over? Children are smart they might not say a lot but they can sense a lot-(if that makes sense)

 

Edith says it is about the children but I really think it's that she is so in love with him she won't let him go. People always use the children as the excuse.

[zouz71]

if she was in love to that extent , she wouldnt let any women approach him

[edith]

I don’t even know where to begin, all the posts are so overwhelming. I wouldn’t say my kids are an excuse, but they are definitely the most important reason. Yes, I am IN LOVE with my husband. If the kids didn’t exist, I wouldn’t make it through this, though. I would leave.

 

I appreciate all of the comments since sometimes they give me a different perspective, but I’m seeing a therapist this week for the first time so you guys may not see a lot of me. What’s first in my mind now is to keep their affair from moving forward without letting him know that I know. I also want to increase my self-confidence to a point where his cheating is not a given. I want to believe that I deserve better and that even though so far I’ve excused his behavior, it will no longer do. I want to be better. I want to not break up my family in the process. I don’t know if those two things are compatible, so a therapist should be of great help. I can’t stop the snooping - I can access his emails from my laptop but certain things, like his fb and activity log, I can only see using his actual Phone, so I wait until he’s in the shower or asleep. The amount of time I spend on this varies, but I also have a business to run and children to raise, so certain times of the day work better.

 

Their level of communication has increased a lot since she blew him off. Seeing times of the messages, they spent almost two hours talking on Thursday, and 2.5 hours talking yesterday. He said he wanted to work from home yesterday, and not that much work got done, because he kept texting her. He kept asking questions about her husband, and she’d complain a lot, basically blaming her husband for her cheating, and my husband ate it up! It’s so frustrating how, as a woman, I can see through her game so easily but I doubt my husband can. He hasn’t looked for sex from me since last weekend, which is unusual. Yet he’s more than happy to masturbate talking to her and treating her as if she were made of glass and as if his words could break her. I won’t go over specifics because I don’t have time right now, but he’s so insistent on checking if she’s ok with his saying A or B, how does she feel about C, is she happy with X, etc.. What hurts me more than anything is that he seems to be completely blinded by what she’s doing and how she’s manipulating him. I also went to his activity log on FB and he visited her profile 17 times yesterday. In one day.

 

This venting definitely helps. I won’t see my therapist until Thursday and I really hope I like her, because I have a long road of healing ahead of me.

[stillafool]

Edith you don't have to explain his obsession with her to us as we all can see it. I'm glad you finally are realizing it. I'm so happy that you have an appointment with a therapist. I think it will help you so much and perhaps find your strength.

[sandylee1]

I've just read this whole thread.

 

Your H wants to bed this woman...he's obsessed with her. I wouldn't call it love though.

 

If I felt he was worth it...I'd suggest you get really freaky with him and go the whole hog sexually and blow his mind.

 

As it is I'd look into going away for a few days if you can. Tell him you're feeling stressed out and a getaway on your own would be good.

 

If he asks what the matter is...just say you're not in a good place right now...but will share when you feel able to. More sessions with the therapist should hopefully give you clarity and courage.

 

You mentioned he is so good looking and expected him to cheat.... are you attractive? Is he that better looking than you? And if so... you have to realise he chose you for a reason.

 

That reason could because you worship him...and you demonstrate that you're so lucky to have him.. so he feels entitled to cheat.

 

Are you the type who's great wife material...but he gets excitement outside the house.

[BaileyB]

What’s first in my mind now is to keep their affair from moving forward without letting him know that I know.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but you have absolutely no control over his behavior. This is not a realistic goal because you have no control. You would be more wise to focus on yourself, and what you want for your life, and your children.

[edith]

All good advice, thank you. I do agree it seems to be an obsession. I keep seeing the messages I’ve read flashing in my head, he’s writing things to her like “Your mouth is mine” and telling her all the things he wants to do, he asks about her sex live with her husband and she talks about having to talk her husband into public sex for 45 minutes before he agrees. And my husband swoops in with her fantasies and whatever she comes up with, he says “Let’s do it!”. He is very possessive of her. He seems to believe her husband is really the only other man she’s been with, which I do not. I can see from the messages he’s competing with her husband and that makes me angry. What he wants to do to her is par for the curse - he’d say that to any woman. But the possessiveness and competition turn my stomach.

 

I am looking forward to my first therapy session this week. I need to feel empowered and maybe I’ll be able to do something other than wish that this other woman didn’t exist, or that my husband could be faithful to me. As for the attractiveness piece, yes, he is much more attractive than I am. But I’m tired of acting as if my own husband is out of my league.

[georgia girl]

I am looking forward to my first therapy session this week. I need to feel empowered and maybe I’ll be able to do something other than wish that this other woman didn’t exist, or that my husband could be faithful to me. As for the attractiveness piece, yes, he is much more attractive than I am. But I’m tired of acting as if my own husband is out of my league.

 

Quoted for truth. I don’t care what he looks like - if he’s the embodiment of sex on earth - you are the loyal, faithful one. You are the one not making a fool of yourself chasing after another man’s wife. You are the one with intergirty. He’s out of your league and you need to start believing that. Just what if there was a great man out there who could be everything you need - a loyal friend, committed to you, enjoying being with you and an awesome stepdad to your kids? What if there was another life out there where you would never even think of reading your husband’s texts because they’re either mostly to you or otherwise boring? What if you could feel safe and secure in the love of your spouse? Wouldn’t it be worth it for both you and your kids to give them this life?

 

Your husband is out of your league, Edith. But not in the way you believe. He doesn’t deserve you.