I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[sandylee1]

So if he is Mr. Superhandsome why did he date and marry you?

 

It's not all about looks... but what qualities did he see in you that made him want to marry you?

 

Anything to do with your family background? Or that he sees in you a loyal woman...

Unlike his OW.

 

The way he talks is purely smoozhing her... trying to be her everything.

 

Except she knows he's a cheat.... she knows he wants sex. He doesn't talk about a future with her...he says nothing about wishing they could be together.....beyond hotel rooms.

 

He wants to know everything her husband doesn't do...so he can do it. He'll do anything she wants. He is behaving like a puppy. I don't know how you can bare to be intimate knowing all you do.

[anika99]

I’m glad someone is finally seeing into the other woman’s game - this is exactly what she’s doing. The damsel in distress. I don’t have the time to transcribe messages, but her story is basically that her husband isn’t adventurous, she’d like to try new things, my husband is her “sex twin” and is saving her from her marriage. She harps on how much alike they are and she subtly badmouths me. The sad thing is if you see my husband’s responses, he falls for it every time, especially when she talks about how she’s “only been with one man”. Yes, one plus mine. That’s exactly what she is - an actress. I don’t think my husband sees that.

 

So are not also an actress? You don't tell your husband the truth, you lie about how you feel and don't tell him what you know. All three of you are dishonest inauthentic people. Your marriage is a farce and it's not because of the cheating, it's because of all the secrets and lies between you and your husband.

 

If your husband does leave you some day it might be because he desires a real authentic person. Yes that would make him a huge hypocrite because he's the worst in the bunch, but cheaters don't care if they're hypocrites, they only care about what they want and I wonder if one day your husband will want a relationship with someone who is open and honest with him. Someone who will be authentic and demand the same from him. Someone who will call him out on his crap and make him want to be a better man.

 

Right now you and all his floozies are just enabling and encouraging his deplorable behaviour. He has lost his moral compass and all the women in his life are happily pushing him down that path of destruction. You could be the one person who comes out into the light of day and says enough of this! Enough lies and secrecy. Enough of this fakery. Your husband won't like it, at least not at first, but a part of him will respect you for it.

 

I can't imagine what it must be like for two people to live together for years, share kids and family and everything else, and yet be so fake with each other. I remember going through a terrible time mentally and emotionally years ago. I had constant anxiety, I barely ate and I weighed only 90 pounds. I desperately wanted help but I also didn't want anyone to see the real me and know how unhinged I was. So I acted like everything was fine. I went to work, I came home and did chores and cooked dinner for my kids, I put on my best happy face and told everyone I was just fine and most people believed it. On the one hand I was relieved that people were buying my act but on the other hand it made feel incredibly alone and lonely.

 

I feel like this act you and your husband have going on with each other must make both of you feel isolated and lonely. This can't continue forever. One day the status quo just isn't going to be enough. The pain of being alone in a marriage will outweigh the benefits of staying and one of you is going to do something drastic. Hopefully it's you because at some point your husband might want an real honest partner instead of just a blind loyalist.

[BaileyB]

But the possessiveness and competition turn my stomach.

 

How is his behavior any different than your own? Sure, you are "the wife" and you are not the one cheating - but I agree with Anika here, not one of you is able to claim the "high moral ground here." You have known about his cheating FOR YEARS and done nothing... If you want his behavior to change, there must be some kind of consequence. Continuing to tolerate his very poor behavior is certainly your decision, but even that is not without consequence, for you.

[zouz71]

edith , i have akways believed vows are much beyond just a partnership

 

as a man who attempted to cheat once i say , when spouses lies on each other , the least that could happen is cheating ,

i saw the way my wife treated me st thst time worse than cheating ,

not an excuse , but this what happens when marriage is rotten,.

[healing light]

I am only up to December 4th on this thread so far, so if I my input is off topic for where this thread has evolved, then apologies.

 

But have you considered the timing of your children and of their affair? Your kids are 10 and 11, like hers. This affair has been going on for 10+ years.

 

It's very likely that the two of them are in love with each other but "couldn't" be with each other because each was expecting with their respective partners. Otherwise they may have taken off together.

 

I don't think this is a fly by night affair. At all.

[elaine567]

I am only up to December 4th on this thread so far, so if I my input is off topic for where this thread has evolved, then apologies.

 

But have you considered the timing of your children and of their affair? Your kids are 10 and 11, like hers. This affair has been going on for 10+ years.

 

It's very likely that the two of them are in love with each other but "couldn't" be with each other because each was expecting with their respective partners. Otherwise they may have taken off together.

 

I don't think this is a fly by night affair. At all.

 

 

Read #128...

[darkmoon]

ok, so he is a 10, amazing, ooh, 10s go for other high-scorers, so let us understand this about Edith, who surely has a few cards to play, or to keep close to her chest atm

[summerdowling87]

Does her husband know that his wife is cheating with your husband?

-If not why not?

[edith]

I’m sorry I haven’t been around much lately, it’s a busy holiday season. No contact between them yet this week.

 

I don’t know if they’re in love, as someone mentioned, but I am more inclined to believe this affair is different, after so many perspectives here. I think they’re both willing to wait for each other, and that leads me to believe their feelings are not only sexual. And no, I haven’t told her husband, even though I know who he is, because then my husband would know that I know.

 

Two days until my first therapy session!

[edith]

So, something I wasn’t expecting has happened. I think I’m interested in another man.

 

He is one of my son’s sports coach. I’d noticed him staring at me a few times but didn’t think anything of it, just that men sometimes do that.

 

Last Saturday, he texted me directly asking if I could bring my son early before a game because he wanted to try a few things with him and two other boys on the team. When I got there, there was only his son and another boy who came with him as well. I watched the practice and didn’t see any plays being taught... he stopped practice a couple of times to come over and chat with me, since I was the only parent there. The topic was sports, so nothing different there.

 

On Sunday, I texted him directly (instead of the group text) to confirm we have two practices this week. He replied twice, since it took me a while to write back. He wrote “Yes, two regular practices this week. Then we don’t see each other until 1/3. Tell John (my son) he played great today!” The fact he wrote “see each other” caught my attention. He immediately texted the group of parents to confirm the practices and wrote “After that, we won’t have practice until 1/3.”. Hmm... I thought.

 

I responded to the practices confirmation directly to him, saying I was hoping he would say that. I added something about my son and we texted back and fort for a bit, he even sent me a picture of the season stats to show my son was the second highest scorer.

 

I find myself wanting to see him tonight. I’m probably mistaken and it’s innocent, but I’m looking forward to seeing him. This has never happened to me before. Yet, I feel entitled to this after everything my husband has done. Although, the coach’s flirting is probably all in my head.

 

Yet another theme to add to my therapy session.

[stillafool]

Oh Brother!

[Wallysbears]

[]Why add this next level of drama to the situation?

Edited December 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[BaileyB]

So, something I wasn’t expecting has happened. I think I’m interested in another man.

 

I find myself wanting to see him tonight. I feel entitled to this after everything my husband has done.

 

Yet another theme to add to my therapy session.

 

You are kidding, right?

 

I hope you have found yourself a good counsellor, because you are going to need it! Your poor children... and with that, I’m done.

[elaine567]

NO, NO and more NO...

[TaserTag]

I understand wanting to rebound after being hurt, but since you claim your children are your #1 priority and not hurting them is why you're staying in your horrible farce of a marriage, don't you think it will really mess up your children to see their mother flirting with and carrying on with their coach?

 

There's nothing you mention about the coach that sounds like he wants you sexually (and even if he does, who cares). In fact, it sounds like he purposely tried to keep things related to sports and reminding you of your son ("tell John").

 

It's not hard to get someone to sleep with you, and if you insist on becoming a cheater to match your husband, please at least pick someone who isn't a mentor and a big part of your childrens' lives already. At least pick someone to sleep with who isn't involved with your poor children. I'm sure your children look up to their coach and trust him, like they probably currently trust in you and their father.

 

Your husband has done a bad thing to you and your children by cheating and disrespecting his family. You shouldn't go running down the same road. Get a divorce and move on respectfully and as amicably as possible for the sake of your children. But don't do this thing with your children's coach.

 

I really hope that you have a good therapist who talks you out of things like this and gets you on a good path for dealing with your problems in a healthy way for yourself and your kids.

[zouz71]

So, something I wasn’t expecting has happened. I think I’m interested in another man.

 

He is one of my son’s sports coach. I’d noticed him staring at me a few times but didn’t think anything of it, just that men sometimes do that.

 

<snip>

Edith , I've been standing on your side of the story , but now I am sure of one thing :

-You are not staying in this marriage for your children .

-You don't have the courage to face your husband .

-you tend to cheat on your husband under the umbrella that you won't leave the children .

 

Sorry if it might be rude , your husband is not a good husband ( not sure about being a good father); and you don't desrve to claim that your kids are #1. You are also selfish .

 

For GOD sake , just face your husband , fix your marriage or just end it . And if you love your children really , just sit with your husband calmly , reach a solution or divorce , without drama , and act accordingly . Your kids don't deserve to live with 2 cheaters who claim to be the best parents .

Edited December 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and fix spacing

[carhill]

OP, it's normal to desire attention and feel attraction.

 

Is this coach married? He's a father, apparently, but I didn't see anything about him being married.

 

Your therapist will likely apply the shoe on other foot tool and ask you questions about how your choices impact the relationships you have with others and, in the case of the coach, his spouse if he's married, or partner if LTR. You could certainly identify with those two potential individuals.

 

While it's expedient to ram things through to the desired outcome, with each of us having our own perspective on that, the true work in therapy is when you, OP, feel your desired outcome at an elemental level, it's part of who you are, and the actions you take flow into the outcome you desire. Once you get there, it's a pretty amazing feeling.

 

For now, though, I'd accept that you'll feel these attractions like to the coach, and stick to your program with your therapy.

 

Apologies if duplication - do you have a trusted friend/family member you can share all this stuff with in real life? Someone you know has your back and whom you can trust with your confidences. IME, that helps. A safe place, besides therapy, where you can get some of this stuff out. Don't wear the person out though

[Timshel]

No, he doesn’t know that I know about this affair or the NSA flings he’s had. What concerns me is that I could live with sex only - I know this isn’t normal but I knew when I married him that he wouldn’t be sexually faithful because of his looks. We’ve never discussed that, but the price I’ve had to pay to be with someone like him was to accept the lack of sexual faithfulness.

 

But he is crossing the line going back and forth with the same woman for 10 years. I feel betrayed in a way I never have before.

 

It’s not like he’s neglected. He has other women to get sex from. I don’t understand the need for this one 10 years later and my jealousy doesn’t let me think straight.

 

 

I don't think that OP identifies with any person except herself. That is my objective opinion. There is a point that sacrifice is self indulgent.

 

 

Edith, there really isn't any way that your marriage and home could be more emotionally dysfunctional.

 

 

I hope that your therapy is helpful, it takes time.

[Giraffe-A]

He should be asking himself that question after you present him with this and tell him to ask his lover for hotel recommendations where he can stay until you figure out what you want to do. I’d email that woman too as her husband may not be as accepting about oral as you seem to be. Ultimately, it’s your marriage and you choose how much hurt you want to put up with. 10 year affair is a bit much.

[sandylee1]

To be honest Edith, I don't blame you for finding another man attractive.

 

In fact if he was single.... I would feel entitled to engage in some flirtation as well...after your husband has cheated for so long.

 

Him being your son's coach is a bit close to home though. It would be a cliche affair and he would only be after sex.... so it's not worth getting attached or invested in him.

 

It would be interesting to know what your husband would say if you proposed an open marriage... he's been enjoying that anyway...but he may be a typical jealous cheater and not like it.

[elaine567]

It would be interesting to know what your husband would say if you proposed an open marriage... he's been enjoying that anyway...but he may be a typical jealous cheater and not like it.

 

 

Seems to me an open marriage is rarely the solution to any marital problems. It works best if both are naturally polygamous and willing to explore other options and put a lock on their jealousy, but that seems to be a rare combination, especially in those with marital issues.

Married people often believe staunchly in monogamy so asking one to accommodate a cheater in an open marriage doesn't tend to go down well and as you say the jealous cheater is common too.

[edith]

I guess I expected to be criticized. Thank you to the posters who can see why I’m attracted to someone else! I’m going to see the coach this week, I think, because I shared with the group of parents and the coach a camp happening in our area this week - coach signed up his son. Don’t know if he or his wife will be there, but I catch myself wanting it to be him.

 

No communication between the woman and my husband. I guess he’s giving her space - he hasn’t been seeing anyone else, which is bittersweet for me. His birthday is this Saturday, so I’m keeping my eyes open.

 

Therapy went well - and incredibly fast!! All I had time for was to tell the therapist about my husband’s many affairs and this long term one. I guess this is going to be a long process. But it was cathartic, since I don’t have anyone else in my life to confide in about this.

Edited December 24, 2018 by edith

[BaileyB]

I guess I expected to be criticized. Thank you to the posters who can see why I’m attracted to someone else! Don’t know if he or his wife will be there, but I catch myself wanting it to be him.

 

What did you expect - that people would say "By all means, go for it! Brilliant idea!" That may be what you want to hear right now, but that doesn't make it good advice. It's not in your best interest to have a revenge affair, nor is it in the best interest of your family.

 

edith, of course people understand why you would be attracted to someone else. But being attracted, and then acting on that attraction are two very different things. And whether you chose to betray your husband by acting on this attraction is entirely in your control.

 

Remember, two wrongs don't make a right. If you are unhappy in your marriage and want to find a man to love and who loves you in return, you will not find what you are looking for in the arms of another married man. Take the advice of those who have been there and learned the hard way, if you engage in another affair with a married man before ending your marriage you will only find heartache, pain, and loneliness.

[edith]

So do you guys think that what the coach has done is flirting? What I’ve noticed the most is the staring and the extra attention at practices, but I’m so out of it when it comes to flirting, I honestly can’t tell. To be even more honest, I don’t see myself going after a married man. He would have to do all the work!

[BaileyB]

So do you guys think that what the coach has done is flirting? I’m so out of it when it comes to flirting, I honestly can’t tell. To be even more honest, I don’t see myself going after a married man. He would have to do all the work!

 

There are no words... Merry Christmas to you edith.