I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[Whoknew30]

Well Edith...are there other sports teams for you son to play for in town? After just skimming through this, it seems his wife is pretty involved and around a lot, and when she catches on...which most likely she will, then your kid is gonna get cut from the team. Your gambling with you son's sports...which in itself is really no big deal, I just wanted to point it out. Now, I coached youth baseball for many years, and had plenty of times with moms who are DTF for a million of reasons, and I cut every one of those kids to remove the grief since I am happily married...if he isn't, then maybe it will work.

 

They tried that where I live & it didn’t fly & is considered a type of discrimination. Kid was reinstated immediately! Kids should not have to pay for their parents issues. You get caught & you could be the one that’s shun for taking adult issues out in a child. I was commissioner & we had to speak to an attorney...you, the district & personal organization can be sued. Not worth it.

 

 

OP...don’t poop where you eat. It’s too close to home, move on. You will embarrass yourself & women especially can super insecure for as much as women say they “trust” their husbands, they don’t & always turn on the woman...I understand the revenge affair thing but don’t put it so close to your child.

[RecentChange]

I have an idea Edith.

 

Why don’t you just tell the coach that your husband has been cheating on your for decades, and you aren’t strong enough to do anything about it, so now you are fixated on him.

 

Men love some honestly and vulnerability. Maybe he will take that as the green flag to bang you out behind the bleachers.

[standtall]

They tried that where I live & it didn’t fly & is considered a type of discrimination. Kid was reinstated immediately! Kids should not have to pay for their parents issues. You get caught & you could be the one that’s shun for taking adult issues out in a child. I was commissioner & we had to speak to an attorney...you, the district & personal organization can be sued. Not worth it.

 

.

 

Whoknew...first of all, in private sports you do not owe an explanation legally to anyone why a kid got cut. When I cut a kid for bad parents, I just chalked it up to the player not being the right fit for the team or they're not type( pitcher, catcher etc) of player that we needed for the team at the moment. Now, if the kid is a stud, which thy seldom are, then usually the mom isn't pimping herself out. If the kid was a stud, and the parents were just crazy, the same explanation works. I have coached baseball for 30 combined seasons, and my 3 kids have played 50 seasons of hockey together, and I have never seen, nor heard about attorneys, suing, discrimination, etc....unless it was over money.

 

Back on point, if the OP's kid is a stud, he has a better chance of not getting cut, but not much.

[georgia girl]

Do I think he’s interested? Going by only what you wrote: probably not. Sorry, Edith, it this sounds like the affair version of “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.”

 

Listen, you write about these poignant moments and refer to “some flirting” in texts, but I have not seen you reference once that he’s said he has found you attractive or that he’d like to meet you alone - even for something as seemingly innocuous as coffee. And it seems to me that you are practicing cognitive dissonance as a fairly well- developed art form. Everything that happens to indicate he may be interested, you amplify. Everything that says he isn’t - the mere fact that he never tries to get you alone, says something mildly sexual, Etc. - you completely ignore. My guess is that you will take every response here who says he is interested and believe them and take the majority who say he is not and consider us biased. I am being honest here; this truly seems like you have spun a huge fairytale around some benign interactions.

 

Edith, I think you run the very real risk of not just making a fool of yourself and embarrassing your kids and possibly damaging your relationship with them. I sincerely hope you are still in counseling.

Edited January 27, 2019 by georgia girl
Typos

[edith]

The flirting keeps going... It’s very subtle but I’m enjoying the staring. On Saturday, He parked next to me - we got there at the same time! - and walked into the school talking, small talk because his two kids and wife were with him. When we got in, he held the door open for me; I immediately glanced back and his eyes were squarely on my butt! ?

 

He rushed to sit next to one of the older moms - the one I always sit with. I stayed back and sat more removed from him. He gave me a disappointed look as soon as I sat down... I stayed where I was.

 

We had another staring moment during the game, even though he was on the other side of the court. I’ve been trying to encourage him because on practice last Thursday, I was a little cold to him. He might have interpreted it as me not having liked our long staring at the concert on Tuesday.

 

Then at the end of the game, I was helping my son wit his backpack, and coach was walking towards the exit - I stared. He stared back for a while, stopped right in front of the door and waved. This is what I wanted, so that I knew that he knew I was watching him!

 

I said goodbye to my son and my husband , who were going to a basketball game together, and walked to my car. Coach was a little ways in front of me. He opened his truck, turned around, saw me and waved again. I waved back but didn’t say anything. Because what I wanted to say is that I was dying to climb onto that backseat with him.

 

On Sunday, coach asked my husband to help him as asst coach since the regular one couldn’t attend. It was an awesome game and my son shot and made the 3-pointer that led the team to victory!

 

After the game, I went to where the boys, coach and my ex were, was taking a few pictures, and the coach and I talked for a bit. He was smiling more than usual, understandably, but what I noticed is that he didn’t try to talk to the other moms who were around.

 

My husband and I had taken one car, and we parked right next to the coach. Coach was putting something in the trunk as my ex was pulling out... I check out the Coach and he was already staring at me from behind the trunk... I stare back, and he waves. I waved back.

 

Then, this was the funny part - my husband is maneuvering out of the spot, by this point the coach is on the other side of his car, ready to get into the driver’s seat. But he doesn’t! He stands by the car, we lock eyes... He just stands there staring at me. I kept up the intensity instead of breaking it by smiling. I just enjoyed having his eyes on me, which wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t interested- he would have gotten into the car right away!

 

Then later on, one of the moms texted the parents group saying “Great game for the boys today!”. I liked her text. Then “Great coaching as well!”. I “loved” that text. Other people would think it’s because my ex was assistant coaching that day, but Coach would see right through it.

 

It worked, because then the Coach sent a text praising my son - he wrote “All the boys worked their butts off, but the highlight of the season for me was that perfect 3 point shot by Jacobs to seal the win. Unbelievable.” I liked his text ? He could have chosen any of the other boys to highlight, but chose mine. We kept texting back and forth using the group text, which is fine. I was holding back since our comments were public.

 

This week he’s away for work on Tuesday so no practice with him there. Thursday it is...

[Wallysbears]

Wow. You are reading into the absolute most mundane things as this man "flirting" with you.

 

I don't see any of this as "flirting" at all. I'm so sorry that you are reading so heavily into this.

[brigit87]

The flirting keeps going... It’s very subtle but I’m enjoying the staring. On Saturday, He parked next to me - we got there at the same time! - and walked into the school talking, small talk because his two kids and wife were with him. When we got in, he held the door open for me; I immediately glanced back and his eyes were squarely on my butt! ?

 

 

This isn't flirting. Most of the stuff you describe is just everyday nonsense. He might think you're nice or pretty but he's not that into you.

 

He probably knows you're super into him and he's flattered. Soon you'll get a wake up call and it will hurt.

[Amethyst68]

In your last couple of posts you've called your husband your ex - what's changed? Are you actually together?

[RecentChange]

Edith,

 

This reminds me of one of my dogs. I have two dogs. One is really confident and bold, for him I have to be pretty loud / deliberate with my commands.

 

And I have another dog. He was abused and abandoned before he came to me. He is really insecure and just has zero confidence.

 

He watches my every move like a hawk as if it means something. I have to be careful not to raise my voice when talking to other people around him, because despite the fact it has nothing to do with him - he thinks it’s all about him. And will react accordingly. Or even if I praise the other dog - yep again nervous nelly thinks I must be talking to him. His focus on me is so intense.

 

Abused children often display similar behavior. It’s root stems from insecurity, so they intensely observe those around them - trying to predict the next move because they have lived in an unpredictable world.

 

Your INTENSE observation of every move, every look from the coach, then your subsequent interpretation that it must be all about you..... reminds me very much of this type of unhealthy behavior.

 

I can bet you this much Edith - your husband isn’t nearly so aloof as the coach when he flirts. He makes it clear he is ready and willing to have sex with women that are not his wife. The coach is making absolutely zero sexual innuendos nor anything I would consider flirting in my daily life.

 

Is this really the highlight of your life the way you make it sound? If you are so ready to cheat - why don’t you find a man who with spoil you with attention?

[Wallysbears]

@recentchange - that’s SUCH an astute observation!

 

And it reminds me of the dynamic here with our one rescue dog.

 

So true!

[Amethyst68]

Edith, can I ask if you've ever posted here under a different user name?

 

The reason I ask is your recent posts seem very familiar, in content and tone to a poster who had a crush on her son's married coach. The only difference she was single but you say you are married, you also keep referring to your ex the last few posts.

 

I checked the other thread because I'm just chilling today and there are definite similarities. It was by user JJacobs in friends to lovers. I don't know if anyone else it or remembers it (I have a long memory for trivial details).

[zouz71]

At the start of this thread I saw a woman who is suffering from her husband infedility .

 

 

It turned out that the real aim of the thread is to validate if you can still attract men at this age .

 

 

I don't see the Coach really into you as a person , if he is interrested , he might be interested in an ONS or whatever .

 

 

If this satisfies your ego then nothing to say .

 

 

This is the last feedback I will give , because the way I see it is that when I reply my intention is to advise someone for their own sake.

 

 

In your case , all what I say is that you really need professional help , so I hope you are still getting individual consultancy .

 

 

good luck

 

Best

[hippychick3]

Edith, can I ask if you've ever posted here under a different user name?

 

The reason I ask is your recent posts seem very familiar, in content and tone to a poster who had a crush on her son's married coach. The only difference she was single but you say you are married, you also keep referring to your ex the last few posts.

 

I checked the other thread because I'm just chilling today and there are definite similarities. It was by user JJacobs in friends to lovers. I don't know if anyone else it or remembers it (I have a long memory for trivial details).

 

I mentioned the same thing early in the thread. I have thought from the beginning that it’s the same person too. The pathological delusion is too similar.

[elaine567]

It worked, because then the Coach sent a text praising my son - he wrote “All the boys worked their butts off, but the highlight of the season for me was

that perfect 3 point shot by Jacobs

to seal the win. Unbelievable.” I liked his text ? He could have chosen any of the other boys to highlight, but chose mine. We kept texting back and forth using the group text, which is fine. I was holding back since our comments were public.

 

Edith, can I ask if you've ever posted here under a different user name?

The reason I ask is your recent posts seem very familiar, in content and tone to a poster who had a crush on her son's married coach. The only difference she was single but you say you are married, you also keep referring to your ex the last few posts.

It was by user JJacobs

in friends to lovers. I don't know if anyone else it or remembers it (I have a long memory for trivial details).

 

Coincidence?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It was by user JJacobs in friends to lovers. I don't know if anyone else it or remembers it (I have a long memory for trivial details).

 

I've assumed all along it was the same person. Now there's zero doubt.

 

OP, are you married or divorced? In your most recent post you called him your husband and ex in the same post.

[brigit87]

Edith,

 

Abused children often display similar behavior. It’s root stems from insecurity, so they intensely observe those around them - trying to predict the next move because they have lived in an unpredictable world.

 

 

This is heartbreakingly true...I know too well.

 

So Edith, now you do have my sympathy. Your husband cheated on you which is a form of abuse. Your self-esteem as a sexually desirable woman must be shattered. The coach probably thinks your pretty but he's not looking to mess up his marriage.

 

Divorce your husband and find a nice single guy to be your Prince Charming.

[edith]

<Moderation note: Merged with historical thread since topic is the same, per policy, and moderation directives on member demeanor continue to apply.>

 

 

 

 

 

I haven’t posted here since earlier this year. My husband has had an 11-year affair with the same woman that is on and off. I’ve never told him that I know.

 

We have an unspoken agreement that he can have casual sex and he has had several NSA sex affairs. But he keeps going back to this same woman - she’s married with one child as old as our youngest.

 

I posted here in 2010 then back last year in November, when again he went looking for her. They talked for a few months, she turned him down twice after she finally agreed to meet him; she would back out, according to all the messages I’ve read. They’ve only had sex six times in all of thee years that I could gather from messages, and the last time he saw her was 6 years ago.

 

I hadn’t seen anything between them since February this year, until the end of July, about a month ago. He reached out to her again. She immediately stonewalled him, saying “I can’t. I’m sorry”. He apologized to her. She wrote “You don’t need to apologize. I understand.” He immediately wrote back “I’m just thinking of you. Sorry.”. The time stamp of the message showed that he was talking to her from our bed, with me right next to him and asleep.

 

Everyone tells me he has feelings for her. But the truth is that their affair always fizzles out. Am I fooling myself in thinking that I can save my marriage and that someday he will leave her? Or do his feelings sound serious?

 

I have spent the last month wanting to get advice from this forum but dreading the responses.

Edited September 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged - ~W

[preraph]

She's likely the only one who's had staying power BECAUSE she's married and not bothering him to leave and be with only her. He wants variety, but many women who cheat with married men want exclusivity, which doesn't compute. The others likely get mad and feel used and quit him.

[d0nnivain]

Alas I think you are fooling yourself in thinking that you even have a marriage. He will always have this woman in his life. The Q is are you getting enough out of being married to him -- money, financial security, social status -- whatever it is that causes you to put up with this to continue tolerating this? He will never change. The only change you can effectuate is to get a divorce.

[edith]

I understand. I’m sure it’s self protection but I tend to think she’s just sex.

 

Something else I forgot to mention in the original post. I’m able to see when he last logged off in this app and when I use his phone, stealthily, to check his messages, I can see when she last was on. It happened once that his log off was about one minute within hers. I did this over the course of a couple of days and it looked as if he would log off close to when she was online. It took me a while to figure out this pattern. It’s as if he didn’t want to be online at the same time as her.

 

Then I found him sending messages to another woman. I checked the times again, and as soon as the 1-year affair was online, he’d log off and stop talking to the current affair. I read all of these messages as well and they seemed uninvolved- almost transactional.

 

He is trying to show her that he’s not talking to anyone else, or doesn’t want her to catch him on that app for long lengths of time. He also turned on notifications to know when she goes online so I saw all of those as well.

 

I have thought about contacting her and letting her know he sleeps with other women. How much would be left of their affair then?

[DKT3]

Who knows..what is clear is this is a very dysfunctional relationship, with both of you continuously looking outside of the marriage. What happened with the coach if you dont mind me asking?

[Mr. Lucky]

I have thought about contacting her and letting her know he sleeps with other women. How much would be left of their affair then?

 

Wow, I thought I'd heard every bit of twisted logic one could apply to infidelity.

 

Guess not...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

You talking about letting the new one know or the 11 year one? Because obviously the 11 year one knows he cheats because she knows he's married cheating with her. She may be doing the same. Anyone who's always burning the candle at both ends will cycle through a lot of people all on their own, coming and going. Nothing you do is going to make him faithful. It's really a matter of accepting it because you're getting enough out of the marriage, or acknowledging that it's not okay with you and that you need love and loyalty and take your chances divorcing him. There's never a guarantee you'll find love and loyalty, so you'd really need to be more looking for your self-respect and self-love back because you can't rely on everything falling in place. It's enough for me, but is it for you? I'm guessing not.

 

Do you work or is your whole life at home? I would just suggest if you don't work, that you consider taking this time to get some further education or skill and get a job in case you decide you're fed up in the future. Then if you would divorce, insist to the judges and lawyers he take 50% custody so you can have a job and a life, which would considerably slow down his own life, I assure you.

[edith]

Nothing happened. I wanted revenge on my husband so I’m chalking it up to temporary insanity! I started to stay as far away from him as I could so that any misbehavior on my part could be remedied. But I did come out of that situation knowing I need a lot more from my husband. I honestly think if this one affair is an emotional one, I can gather the courage to divorce him.

[DKT3]

If I'm being honest it seemed like obsession and not revenge. At any rate it's good you didn't progress any further.

 

I dont understand why you need more to divorce. Its pretty obvious were your husband's head is.