I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[edith]

Some very sobering posts, thanks for the help. So the general consensus seems to be that my husband is staying out of obligation, and will leave once the kids leave? The business situation will be the same then. Yes, we own a business together and he was in corporate America for years before joining me, where he met this ow, but he was always unofficially involved before then. I’m very aware of our financial situation, but splitting up the business would be a nightmare - one I don’t see him wanting to face even after the kids are grown. I could be wrong.

 

I would risk it, though - I am definitely not set on staying if he’s in love with someone else, that’s why I keep asking if he sounds emotionally involved. I absolutely would leave if I knew he wants her for more than sex. I just don’t see enough in their relationship to uproot my entire life, aside from the length of the affair. I do still love my husband but if he doesn’t love me, I don’t want to share my life with him.

[Crazelnut]

Why don't you just ask him? Why don't you both make an informed decision about your marriage, instead of playing games and keeping secrets amd making assumptions and you constantly afraid and anxious??

[jspice]

 

I would risk it, though - I am definitely not set on staying if he’s in love with someone else, that’s why I keep asking if he sounds emotionally involved. I absolutely would leave if I knew he wants her for more than sex. I just don’t see enough in their relationship to uproot my entire life, aside from the length of the affair. I do still love my husband but if he doesn’t love me, I don’t want to share my life with him.

 

It doesn’t matter if he’s emotionally involved with her. He’s not emotionally involved with you. He can’t love you. He doesn’t respect you.

The only question you need to answer is how long you’re going to tolerate living life with a man who cares nothing about you.

[Amethyst68]

I do still love my husband but if he doesn’t love me, I don’t want to share my life with him.

 

Can I ask why you think your husband loves you? There's nothing in your posts that supports this...

[whichwayisup]

He loves himself most. He loves the OW and how she makes him feel. He has no responsibility to her, no real obligation either. She meets his needs that he isn't getting from you. He loves you because you're his life, created children with him, you two have a history, families entwined and a business, finances etc, house and a life together. He isn't going to give either of you! Why would he? He's a king, has two women and he's on top of the world.

 

Don't be so afraid of losing him. You won't be alone, you'll have your kids, friends and other family to help and be there for you.

 

After so many years he'd be pretty stupid to think you were clueless about his long term affair. I'm betting if you told him you've known for a long time SOMETHING will happen either way. Aren't you tired of this life of him lying to you?

[merrmeade]

Amazing how long we can live in denial. My husband was the most handsome man you've ever seen, I promise. Same thing. Women couldn't resist. He'd have "flings" and somehow feel they weren't important. Difference is you know; I didn't. Either way, when I did find out I did the same thing and tried to put every kind of dressing on it he gave me. In your case, you've created this weird set of rules that you will NEVER be able to prove that he's broken.

 

One thing that you are completely fooling yourself about because you have no experience with cheating yourself, is what you call emotional involvement. Have you ever thought about what HE considers emotional involvement? I disagree that physical attraction and emotional vulnerability are mutually exclusive. The flirting and tracking that goes on when someone like your husband is allowing himself to be pulled into an affair involves the whole person or it's no fun. Every single episode has some degree of openness or it's not worth it. Believe me, "emotional" with his extensive experience is part of the game.

 

But nevermind, because when I look at all this, nothing seems to matter to you but this notion that it all revolves around whether or not he's emotionally involved. I've already said that I think he's always emtionally involved to some extent in every liaison, so it would be ludicrous to entertain the possibility of getting the truth from him. Lying is second nature by now; he doesn't even know when he does it. And you can't hope to get an analysis from us based on the conjectures from the little evidence you have.

 

If you want to know, get serious about finding out. Hire a PI or start digging deeper yourself. Put a VAR in the car or office. You'll think of something. You can't keep up this hand-wringing stasis.

 

But may I suggest that, really, you are postponing what you already suspect and everyone here is telling you. It will be just as difficult to accept when you have proof. It will be awful. That's why you keep extending the leash and forgiving the disrespect he's showing you.

 

Try taking some time to think about a plan—how you will protect yourself, where you would move, what you would do in a new life. You might not mind some of what you envision. You sound pretty competent and I'd guess you'll end up on your feet right away. Why not pre-empt things so you have the upper hand?

[gettinoverit]

OP,

This could be excellent advice. If you choose this path, just make sure that you are pragmatic and think with your brain and not your emotions. Be prepared that, at any time, he may pull he rug out from under you and decide to leave.

 

There's a saying about being as wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove. Enjoy your life, but always keep in mind that he may well choose to leave you at any time. If you have a job, make sure you put money away for your future. If you aren't working, start. Go back to school if you need to upgrade. Keep an eye on all your family's financial accounts, Track where the money is going and how it is being used. Talk to a lawyer about your rights and responsibilities should he decide to leave you.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT allow yourself to become emotionally/ financially dependent on him. You simply can not trust him, and if you have kids, it's a mistake you can't afford to make. Accept what he gives you as an "extra", but don't let him be the primary source of support in your life.

 

I hate giving this advice, because it may help to keep you in a bad place. Right now, you're like Damocles- you know you have a sword over your head an your are desperately trying to keep it from falling. Is that really the life you want to lead? Is that stress worth it? When you look back on your life in the future, will you feel he added to your life or took away from it?

 

Edith, this is sound advice right up here. It was the final conclusion I came to, around 10 years into my marriage. The only difference between you and me, is that I WASN'T able to turn a blind eye to it all, and he knew that I knew etc etc. I regret that now. I should have kept quiet and gathered the evidence I needed. Confronting him didn't change his behavior, it just made him more cautious and sneaky. Not that sneaky - I still caught him a few more times. Note to self for next time: at least marry someone not stupid enough to get caught over and over!

Eventually, I cut myself off emotionally from him. It was the only way to survive. I couldn't physically leave at the time (circumstances were very complicated) so I cut myself off and started planning for a life without him. My plan was to wait until the kids were grown up. That hasn't happened - it all got too much in the end and we have now separated, but ironically the separation wound up being nothing to do with his infidelity. We are knocking along fine as friends and co-parents. I have finally accepted he is who he is, and forgiven everything, including myself for staying (I really DID have no choice at all at the time).

My advice to you now is: get a plan in place for YOUR future. I see so much of you writing about HIM, what HE'S doing, what HE feels. What about YOU, my dear?1 What do YOU want? How do YOU want your life to be? Now - if THIS is how you want to live, then knock yourself out. But I don't believe it is, is it? You want more for yourself than this half-assed crappy marriage, I'm sure.

You are immensely strong emotionally to have kept quiet all these years. Keep going a little longer. Quietly gather all your evidence. Save it somewhere safe. Let your boys grow up. And, when the time is right, you will know. And by that time, you will have a plan in place ready to go.

My plan was the only thing that kept me going at times. Still is now. I'll be ready to make that leap in about 5-8 years. Meanwhile, life is ticking along nicely for me now I am not someone's emotional punching bag any more. Think about your future, and set a plan for it. He thinks he's so smart with all his dalliances he's getting away with? Be smarter. I think you are.

[Mr. Lucky]

Let your boys grow up. And, when the time is right, you will know.

 

This is the example you'd want to set for your kids and the emotional environment you'd choose to raise a family in ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

And just for the record, I could care less if he’s married. This is not about falling in love and having kids. It’s about sex. Pure and simple.

 

I disagree that he won’t try to follow through. He would have discouraged the flirting until now if that were the case. I do agree he’s enjoying it - because our interest has only been platonic for 6+ years, and this is the first time we’ve had enough contact for the flirting to escalate. It must be different for someone just reading a narrative, but I recognize his tone and looks and reactions when we are face to face. His physical interest has been clear for years - I am an attractive woman - , but the question here is whether or not he will turn it into more. I am not the kind of woman to chase a man - that’s for ugly women. Our interactions have only just started - and escalated - since basketball season started. We are both married people in a small community. It would be social suicide to come out of the blue “confessing feelings” for another parent! That’s for single, unattached and low-level people.

 

The married-but-cheating game is much more subtle and involved. We need to feel each other our first. I haven’t done anything that makes him sure of my interest. We’re both walking on eggshells and that’s what makes it exciting, in my opinion. So I guess some posters could be right.... But I highly doubt it.

 

You and your husband were made for each other. You should stay with him. I do feel a great deal of sympathy for your son. What a lousy example the two of you are setting for him.

 

I haven't even finished reading the entire thread. I only got this far before my head exploded. Sorry.

Edited September 26, 2019 by vla1120

[vla1120]

This only makes me think of how people like my husband cheat as if it’s nothing. I haven’t even done anything and I’m dying of anxiety already! The coach is obviously having second thoughts as well, because he acted as if I don’t exist. I need to communicate with him but have asked my husband to text him instead - he didn’t suspect anything. I’m resisting wondering why the coach is acting like this - I was covertly paying attention and he acted completely normal towards all other parents. Perhaps the 6 hours we spent together last week crossed the line for him. I’m now trying to give myself a break from thinking - about him, about my husband and his cheating, and about how I need to stop existing as a product of my relationship with men. I need to find out who I am apart from them.

 

Thank God! You've restored my faith (so far....still reading....)

Edited September 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[edith]

I’m in tears right now.

 

The woman reached out to my husband today.

 

She wrote “I’ve been thinking about you lately. Am I too late? I know it’s been a while.”

 

He wrote back a few minutes later “That’s nice to hear.” Then she said she had spent the past few days trying not to text him and asked if he still thinks about her. Then she added she “thinks about the past too much”. He wrote back “That’s ok to do. I think about the past all of the time.”

 

Then she said she wants to see him because it’s been 6 years and invited him to her house! Now, from all the messages I’ve pieced together, the times they were together - 6 in 11 years -, were in his office or his car because she didn’t want to go to a hotel. He immediately accepted. They went back and forth in messages and made a date for this week.

 

I was so sure it was over, that’s why I had stopped posting. But I’m coming to the conclusion that if he’s still interested in sex with her when they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, and he’s currently cheating with someone else, it must be more than sex. I can’t think straight right now. We have activities planned with the kids this weekend and I don’t know how I’m going to look at him. My blood ran cold when I saw the messages. I was so sure it was over.

[elaine567]

You seem to be totally non-plussed about the fact he is currently cheating with someone else, yet are obsessed with this woman.

Do you never wonder that the next woman he cheats with will be "the love of his life..." is that not the risk you run by allowing him free rein to cheat on you...?

 

Whether he is "in love" with this woman or not, I have no idea, but he wasted no time in replying to her, so I guess she still holds his interest...

[BaileyB]

He’s currently cheating with two separate women.

 

I’m sorry edith. I know it’s hard, I am concerned for your mental health. For me, it would be about getting away from the situation and finding some support right now. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m in tears right now.

 

Edith, why now? Most spouses would have been cried out long ago.

 

If you're in denial, which is generally accepted as the first stage of grief, hopefully you move to next one quickly. It's anger, useful in your situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Edith, why now? Most spouses would have been cried out long ago.

 

If you're in denial, which is generally accepted as the first stage of grief

 

If denial is the first stage of grief, it is also sometimes used as a coping strategy... As I believe, it has been used here. All is well and good, until the point when some things can no longer be denied.

 

I don’t know any woman who would be able to attend their children’s activities as if nothing was wrong, knowing full well that their husband is cheating with two women. At some point, you were bound to reach a breaking point. The question becomes, how are you going to handle this now...

[merrmeade]

I was so sure it was over, that’s why I had stopped posting. But I’m coming to the conclusion that if he’s still interested in sex with her when they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, and he’s currently cheating with someone else, it must be more than sex. I can’t think straight right now. We have activities planned with the kids this weekend and I don’t know how I’m going to look at him. My blood ran cold when I saw the messages. I was so sure it was over.

You say you have concluded (unless you second-guess it) that "... it must be more than sex" since "... he’s still interested in sex with her when they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, and he’s currently cheating with someone else..."

 

Have you answered your question "Is this serious?"

Edited September 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[merrmeade]

So if I don't think about the weirdness and absurdity of your obsession with proving he has actual feelings for someone, I have another take on your husband. Nevermind what you should do about it. The shift in your world view needed to accept truth here is just too big for me to think about how to help.

 

But for what it's worth, here's what I'd like to suggest might be at work with your husband:

 

From all you've said, he appears to be a classic serial cheater and narcissist. He needs admiration and the flirting gives it. His interest/lust/crush is usually requited. He doesn't lose when he engages with someone or get rejected.

 

Maybe the abiding interest in this woman is because she actually broke up with him. Also, she didn't go right to bed with him. She was not a slam dunk.

 

I'm just saying when someone really is hard to get, it makes serial cheaters like your husband think they feel more.

 

None of it is real. He's clearly incapable of true commitment and the deep joy and satisfaction that comes from knowing his intimacy with another person is something they own exclusively. He'll never know that.

[edith]

Very sobering posts, thank you. I’ve been out of sorts since Friday. He knows something is wrong since I barely say a word to him. He is keeping quiet as well. I’m doing my best to keep up a front for the kids but I’m shattered inside.

 

I went back to the messages and to be honest, he doesn’t seem that interested in her. In one of the messages, after accepting to go to her house, he asks what she wants to do. She says something like “I hadn’t even thought about that, I just want to see you”. Then he writes “Haha. I want you on your knees and...” then goes on to say something really graphic. She replies in kind and then asks him what time. He replies and the last message is hers, saying “I can’t wait.” He doesn’t reply. So it appears to me that either he’s feeling really cocky that she reached out to him, or he’s really not that interested. I also keep telling myself that when she asked if he still thinks about her, he didn’t answer directly, but replied saying he thinks about “the past all of the time”. His past with her? The past in general? He was very vague, which makes me feel better.

 

So now I’m thinking he may not go. I’m hanging on to that based on his cockiness. I’ve also read messages from the woman he’s currently sleeping with, it’s all sexual. What I still can’t reconcile is how his interest in the 11-year OW is still there. But he may not go on Friday. I almost get a sense that he deliberately wants to hurt her, which to me would mean he’s NOT emotionally involved with her.

[Mr. Lucky]

So now I’m thinking he may not go. I’m hanging on to that based on his cockiness. I’ve also read messages from the woman he’s currently sleeping with, it’s all sexual. What I still can’t reconcile is how his interest in the 11-year OW is still there. But he may not go on Friday. I almost get a sense that he deliberately wants to hurt her, which to me would mean he’s NOT emotionally involved with her.

 

Why are you so focused on his life with them rather than the reality of his life with you? Almost like you’re his cheating concierge...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

Well he may be taking it slow with her this time since she has rejected him so much in the past. Also he has a new affair partner and could be getting emotionally connected to her by now and the sting of this other OW isn't as strong as before. One thing is for sure Edith; sooner or later he is going to meet an OW who he will fall in love with and leave. Probably after the kids go off to college. You need to start saving your money for that now.

[stillafool]

 

So now I’m thinking he may not go. I’m hanging on to that based on his cockiness. I’ve also read messages from the woman he’s currently sleeping with, it’s all sexual. What I still can’t reconcile is how his interest in the 11-year OW is still there. But he may not go on Friday. I almost get a sense that he deliberately wants to hurt her, which to me would mean he’s NOT emotionally involved with her.

 

Don't underestimate the power of good sex. It binds people and by now this new affair partner may be so deep in his head that the old one is on his back burner. How does your husband get all of these women? He must be good looking with a lot of game.

[BaileyB]

I went back to the messages and to be honest, he doesn’t seem that interested in her.

 

And, you’ve found another way to rationalize this such that you can continue to live in denial... not surprising.

 

edith, your husband is sending graphic sexual messages to two different women. He is engaged in sexual relationships with two different women. If this isn’t grounds for divorce, I really don’t know what is...

[LivingWaterPlease]

edith, I know you want to believe she means nothing to him. And I'm sorry to write the following, but it seems to me it's in your best interest to change your perspective on this a little.

 

I went back to the messages and to be honest, he doesn’t seem that interested in her.

 

I disagree judging from what you've written below. You are assessing his interest based on your own ways of communicating. He obviously functions very differently than you do.

 

In one of the messages, after accepting to go to her house, he asks what she wants to do. She says something like “I hadn’t even thought about that, I just want to see you”.

 

Her response indicates she is emotionally interested in him, it seems to me. But, that doesn't necessarily mean they love each other.

 

Then he writes “Haha. I want you on your knees and...” then goes on to say something really graphic.

 

IMO, had he led with this comment it would mean something different. Notice he firsts asks her what she wants to do. When she expresses emotional interest in him it triggers a physical desire in him for her. I'm sorry to say that he was drawn in by her emotional interest in him.

 

She replies in kind and then asks him what time. He replies and the last message is hers, saying “I can’t wait.”

 

Game on.

 

He doesn’t reply.

 

I don't believe he needs to. Rather, he's letting the situation smolder. More compelling than replying.

 

He's definitely a seasoned player and this just demonstrates what you have indicated to be the case.

 

So it appears to me that either he’s feeling really cocky that she reached out to him, or he’s really not that interested.

 

I'm sorry but I believe he's very interested. There was a lot of chemistry in their exchange. It may seem brief but that is because they both know what to expect given their history together. More words aren't needed.

 

I also keep telling myself that when she asked if he still thinks about her, he didn’t answer directly, but replied saying he thinks about “the past all of the time”. His past with her? The past in general? He was very vague, which makes me feel better.

 

His past with her, obviously. It doesn't seem vague to me at all and I doubt it was to her.

 

So now I’m thinking he may not go. I’m hanging on to that based on his cockiness.

 

He may or may not go. I'd guess he will. If he doesn't, that won't end the interest the two of them have in each other. If he doesn't go the convo you wrote about above will serve as foreplay (building anticipation) for the next encounter.

 

I’ve also read messages from the woman he’s currently sleeping with, it’s all sexual. What I still can’t reconcile is how his interest in the 11-year OW is still there. But he may not go on Friday. I almost get a sense that he deliberately wants to hurt her, which to me would mean he’s NOT emotionally involved with her.

 

I didn't get the sense at all that he wants to hurt her. I believe there is some sort of strong bond between them. Not sure what it is, wouldn't go so far as to call it love.

 

I don't believe, based on the above, that he'll leave you. Seems that if he were going to leave you for her he'd have done so by now. They probably realize it's just a case of very strong chemistry that may dissipate if they left their spouses and came out in the open as a couple. As long as you'll allow him to behave this way, I believe you've got him. But, that's only my opinion. None of us can predict the future.

Edited September 29, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease

[BaileyB]

As long as you'll allow him to behave this way, I believe you've got him. But, that's only my opinion.

 

The question becomes, at what personal cost?

[LivingWaterPlease]

The question becomes, at what personal cost?

 

Right.

 

And saying, "You've got him," doesn't indicate she has his heart. It means he's most likely going to continue living in the same house with her.

 

Why would he want to leave? He lives as if he's a single man, he's got access to his children whenever he wants them, he has a babysitter who loves his children and takes good care of them, he doesn't have to pay alimony and he hasn't had to split his assets. I seriously doubt he'll leave.

 

But, then, from reading her posts that seems to me OP's main concern, whether he'll leave or not.